Not sure how to handle this. (Lying)

[Smalls181]

DD is turning 3 next month. Her imagination is suddenly taking off, as is her sentence structure. She was the type of kid with tons of words, but couldn't put them together in sentences until just the past 6 months or so.

Lately, she has been doing things she knows she isn't supposed to, and then blames it on a toy, or on her "alter ego."

For instance, yesterday she was watching a movie on the Computer. (because we don't have a DVD player, only a play station, and this particular movie won't play on the PS.) I told her not to touch the computer. Have her told her this many times. She knows not to. And of course, she has the impulse control of a monkey, and pushed some buttons which turned the movie off.

I was out in the living room for a brief moment while she did this. So she comes out to me and says "Pinkie Pie turned off the movie." Just a few minutes prior, she told me she was the My Little Pony named Pinkie Pie.

So I said "do you mean Scarlett touched the computer and turned off the movie?" And she said "No, Scarlett didnt do it. Pinkie Pie did it." *sigh*

How do you deal with this sort of lying/fibbing from a barely 3 year old? She doesn't get punitive punishments from me. Is she so wrapped up in her imagination that she truly believes it wasn't her? Does anyone have any insights into the mind of a 2-3 year old, and how to gently deal with this situation?

[Lisa1970]

I would enact a rule that you will likely have in 5 or 6 yrs from now anyway.

I would say "since Pinkie Pie is your guest, then you have to take the consequences for her behavior" and then I could put your child on timeout, make her clean it up..whatever consequences the offender would have.

10 yrs from now, if your child has a real friend over and real friend damages something, your child would be held responsible because real friend was her guest. 20 yrs from now, child has company over and real friend damages her home, child is responsible for damages as home belongs to child and real friend was her guest. Even if child loans her real car to real friend and real friend crashes the car, then child is responsible for all the damages because the law says she owns the car, she made the decision to loan the car, she takes responsibility for it.

According to Piaget as well as other child development specialists feel that children at 2 and 3, and even 4 and 5, are not in touch with reality. They do not get the difference between real and pretend. Your child may very well think her imaginary friend did these things. By holding her accountable for her "guest's" actions, then you are setting a great precendences for the future, teaching her in a way applicable to real life, and her consequences are more natural and applicable to the situation.

Good luck!!

[Super Glue Mommy]

My approach would be

"You are pretending pinkie pie did it, because you are not allowed to touch the computer. I expect you not to touch the computer in the future. Next time you will lose the priviledge of using the computer without me there."

or you can try

"pinkie pie turned the computer off? next time, tell her she better not do that or she will ruin the computer priviledges for everyone. can you help me by making sure no one touches the computer from now on besides mommy or daddy?"

[ChetMC]

Lying

One thing that I do with kids who are too young to clearly understand the difference between real and pretend, truth and lies, is to avoid the issue altogether...

I fight the natural urge to walk into a room and say, "who did this," when it really doesn't matter who did it most of the time, or I know bloody well who did it. It's just going to make me angry if the kid doesn't own up to it, and that's really asking a lot of a 3 year old. All I really need to do is remind everybody of the rule, remove the opportunity for it to happen again, discuss what we need to do a result of what happened, suggest what would be a better choice next time, etc.

Our older DD will be five in May. I do talk to her now about recognizing when somebody does not want to pretend. She is old enough to figure out someone is asking her for the truth, but I'd say that she's mature in this respect. However, I try to talk to her about lying in neutral situations. I think it's difficult information to digest when you're regretting something you did and really wishing that if you say what you want to be true then it will be true.

Also, in urgent situations, when I really need the truth, I begin by explaining why the truth is important and what could happen if we don't have the truth.

[birdie22]

I don't believe a 2-3 year old can tell reality from fantasy that well. She's either telling you what she thinks happened, what she wishes happened, or what she thinks will make you happy/not angry. On some level she believes that it is true, just because she says it. This is typical "magical thinking," and no amount of discipline will help her grow out of it sooner. In fact, you can expect this kind of thing for at least a couple of years yet.

I would handle it by NOT arguing with her. Don't ask questions you know the answer to, such as "who turned off the computer" (which I notice you didn't; I'm just speaking generally). If consequences are appropriate for the action, they should be logical, such as "If you can't keep your hands off the computer while you watch this DVD, then I can't let you watch it anymore/unsupervised."

So, in other words, you can address the thing that actually happened, but I don't think she needs extra consequences for lying, or that she needs to "come clean" about it. It's just the age.

[LynnS6]

She WISHES it were pinkie-pie. At 3, I don't think this is really a lie as it is her way of dealing with not living up to expectations.

I would probably go along the lines of "Well, we ALL need to remember that only mommy and daddy touch the computer. Now you and pinkie-pie will have to wait until I'm done." or "that would be really silly if your PONY did that! You'd better teach her the rules!"

[Smalls181]

I agree that I don't expect her to know the difference between reality and fantasy at this age. And I don't think she is mature enough to understand responsibility for somebody else. Heck, we are just trying to figure out taking responsibility for your own actions!

But I definitely like saying "well you better tell Pinkie-Pie the rules about not touching the computer."

And FTR, I rarely, if ever, leave her alone with the computer. And I wouldn't punish her for it, because it is expecting too much from her. At the same time, I am not comfortable saying, or implying, that "well, if it was pinkie pie, then okay. nothing you can do about it."

[madskye]

Slightly different take, but she told you earlier that SHE was Pinkie Pie. So, is it that she is trying to get out of anything, or that she would just prefer that you call her Pinkie Pie when you address the situation and continue her pretend game. I don't think it's lying--to me it doesn't sound like she's trying to get out of anything.

Either way, your daughter is told not to touch the computer, whether you say "Scarlett, don't..." or "Pinkie Pie, don't..." she still hears the message.

Right now, my daughter 3.5, is constantly pretending to be Gretel from Sound of Music. And I am Liesl. But it doesn't matter if she's Maddie or pretending to be Gretel--my expectations of her behavior are the same. She can be stubborn about quitting pretending--sometimes if I refer to myself as Mommy she'll say "No! You're Liesl!"

[THANKFULFORFIVE]

Originally Posted by Lisa1970

I would enact a rule that you will likely have in 5 or 6 yrs from now anyway.

I would say "since Pinkie Pie is your guest, then you have to take the consequences for her behavior" and then I could put your child on timeout, make her clean it up..whatever consequences the offender would have.

10 yrs from now, if your child has a real friend over and real friend damages something, your child would be held responsible because real friend was her guest. 20 yrs from now, child has company over and real friend damages her home, child is responsible for damages as home belongs to child and real friend was her guest. Even if child loans her real car to real friend and real friend crashes the car, then child is responsible for all the damages because the law says she owns the car, she made the decision to loan the car, she takes responsibility for it.





According to Piaget as well as other child development specialists feel that children at 2 and 3, and even 4 and 5, are not in touch with reality. They do not get the difference between real and pretend. Your child may very well think her imaginary friend did these things. By holding her accountable for her "guest's" actions, then you are setting a great precendences for the future, teaching her in a way applicable to real life, and her consequences are more natural and applicable to the situation.

Good luck!!

Wow! I think this is an excellent idea.

[Smalls181]

Originally Posted by madskye

Slightly different take, but she told you earlier that SHE was Pinkie Pie. So, is it that she is trying to get out of anything, or that she would just prefer that you call her Pinkie Pie when you address the situation and continue her pretend game. I don't think it's lying--to me it doesn't sound like she's trying to get out of anything.

Either way, your daughter is told not to touch the computer, whether you say "Scarlett, don't..." or "Pinkie Pie, don't..." she still hears the message.

Right now, my daughter 3.5, is constantly pretending to be Gretel from Sound of Music. And I am Liesl. But it doesn't matter if she's Maddie or pretending to be Gretel--my expectations of her behavior are the same. She can be stubborn about quitting pretending--sometimes if I refer to myself as Mommy she'll say "No! You're Liesl!"

Yes, but she also makes her ponies and other toys do things, and then blamed the action on the toy. Or just outright say that her toy did something. I know, its very common, silly pre-school kids. I just want to make sure I am dealing with it gently, but still letting her know that whoever did it, its not okay.

Everyones thoughts and ideas are very helpful.

[mamazee]

I used to say, "You're responsible for whatever *** does while she's here." And at 3, i'd leave it at that.

[mamadebug]

I think what she is doing is totally normal for her age. I would basically ignore it. So when she says Pinkie Pie did it, I would just say, "Oh." And then do whatever you would do if she had owned up to turning it off. Maybe you turn it back on and say, "The rule is that nobody touches the computer" or you leave it off and say, "Once the computer is off, we leave it of". By not responding to the "lie", I think it will curb the behavior by not reinforcing it or giving it any attention. And by following through as you normally would shows her she won't get ay different consideration by putting it on someone else.

[kama'aina mama]

I wanted to second what ChetMC said about not inviting her to lie. Don't ask her questions that she will want to lie to. Simply tell her what you know and then procede. I like the idea that no matter who did it the outcome is the same, which removes the motivation for lying.

[Multimomma]

I'm seconding Julie as well. If you know who did it, don't ask. Even if you do, don't ask. Make an 'i' statement, "I see the computer got turned off" is enough for now.

It is very age related, and I know it's tough. The great news is that turning off the computer is a natural consequence. Saying "Oh my, the computer is off, now we can't use it to watch your movie" is enough. Three is also old enough that next time she wants to watch the move, you *could* say, "Sorry! Last time we used the computer, it got turned off. That could ruin it, so we aren't using the computer for movies anymore" It would work for MY three yo, ymmv.

Good luck, three was much harder than two for most of my kids. Much more independent