Need to vent/need suggestions

[ilovefelix]

[belovedofbast]

Maybe she is having issues with a Post Partum Mood Disorder? And this is her way of "dealing" with it? Are there PPMD resources you could gently point her and her husband towards?

[ilovefelix]

I don't know?? I not familiar with postpartum mood disorder. how is it different? it comes & goes or something??

[pauletoy]

If it is PPD and it sounds like it is, she needs support from family not judgement.

Sorry if this sounds harsh. JMHO

[ChetMC]

Is this her first? I didn't have any particular desire to hold our first DD. I'd nurse her, and it was okay, but after it was over my first thought was "crap, I'm going to have to do that again when she wake ups" and then I'd have a pray that she would sleep for a nice, long time.

I'd never held a baby before DD was born. I wasn't a squishy kind of person before I had kids. It took several weeks for me to really bond with DD, and I was lucky that her first few weeks were as easy as nurse the baby, let the baby sleep by herself for three hours, and repeat.

Scheduling and sleep training upset me a lot too. I really just wanted to post and say that not all moms bond the second they see their baby. I can take weeks or months, and doesn't necessarily mean that the mom should have a diagnosis.

Hopefully, she will get better with this. You said that she's a selfish sort of person, maybe you could spin the selfish aspects of AP. We ended up co-sleeping because I didn't want to get out of bed. I responded to the babies cues quickly because I didn't want to listen to crying. I wore the baby in a sling because it meant she never cried and we could got ANYWHERE with her. Half the time, people didn't even know we had a baby. We got DS into a bar as a newborn because people thought the sling was some kind of weird purse.

[ilovefelix]

Originally Posted by pauletoy

If it is PPD and it sounds like it is, she needs support from family not judgement.

Sorry if this sounds harsh. JMHO

Yes. I realize that.
Did we somehow establish that she has PPD & I missed it???

I guess I was asking for help & not judgment.

Of course if she is suffering with something we will do what we can to help & support her!! I'm sorry if I somehow gave the impression otherwise.

[ilovefelix]

Originally Posted by ChetMC

Is this her first? I didn't have any particular desire to hold our first DD. I'd nurse her, and it was okay, but after it was over my first thought was "crap, I'm going to have to do that again when she wake ups" and then I'd have a pray that she would sleep for a nice, long time.

I'd never held a baby before DD was born. I wasn't a squishy kind of person before I had kids. It took several weeks for me to really bond with DD, and I was lucky that her first few weeks were as easy as nurse the baby, let the baby sleep by herself for three hours, and repeat.

Scheduling and sleep training upset me a lot too. I really just wanted to post and say that not all moms bond the second they see their baby. I can take weeks or months, and doesn't necessarily mean that the mom should have a diagnosis.

Hopefully, she will get better with this. You said that she's a selfish sort of person, maybe you could spin the selfish aspects of AP. We ended up co-sleeping because I didn't want to get out of bed. I responded to the babies cues quickly because I didn't want to listen to crying. I wore the baby in a sling because it meant she never cried and we could got ANYWHERE with her. Half the time, people didn't even know we had a baby. We got DS into a bar as a newborn because people thought the sling was some kind of weird purse.

Yes, it is her first. She actually is a very "squishy" person to animals & babies. Besides the aforementioned.

Thank you, that is helpful. I honestly didn't realize that it could take that long for some people to bond. It was so different for dh & I. I've been talking to other parents & asking them how they felt when their children were born etc. Everyone I've told has been concerned about her behavior though.

I did actually spin some of AP as kind of easy or selfish. She's HELLBENT on Babywise though. I was just trying to gently do so.

Thanks again for your input!

[tbone_kneegrabber]

I don't think it sounds that werid personally. I have a friend who it took her until her baby was a couple of months old to really bond with him. She loved him and all, she just wasn't that excited about him.

And a lot of people don't want to hold their babies all the time. I think its okay to put them down. I mean if she is leaving him all alone to cry for hours, that's not okay. But seeing if he'll be okay if he lays down seems fine to me.

Wanting to go out when you might have PPD is normal too. Wanting to get to still be an individual and not "mommy" can be very overwhelming desire.

I think they are adjusting, give them time, offer to come go over if you can and watch the baby so she can read, nap, take a bath etc.

[pauletoy]

Originally Posted by ilovefelix

Yes. I realize that.
Did we somehow establish that she has PPD & I missed it???

I guess I was asking for help & not judgement.

Of course if she is suffering with something we will do what we can to help & support her!! I'm sorry if I somehow gave the impression otherwise.

I said "if it is PPD" which you also noted in your original post.

Maybe she doesn't react the same way as you to the birth of a child. Some people, me included with my second child, don't experience immediate bonding. She is probably very overwelmed and very hormonal give her sometime to sort things out as long as she is not harming the baby.

My ds was 7 weeks premature and was in the NICU. The NICU schedules feedings every 3 hours even for premature babies. We stopped scheduling when he came home but he was doing fine on the schedule while in the hospital. While I personally don't agree with your SIL's 2 hour feeding schedule, the baby should do just fine as long as they are monitoring diapers and intake.

I wholeheartedly agree with you about AP and maybe she will see your interaction with your child and want to know more about how you do things. I believe in leading by example.

[mamahart]

I think this sounds sad and very much like ppd. I will respectfully disagree with PP and say that I think you should be concerned. If it was me, I would spend as much time as possible holding this little one. I held by baby day and night until she was seriously like 6 months old. Maybe that is extreme, but she is now an extremely confident and amazing 12 year old.
How ANYONE could be worried about thier birthday so soon after having a child seems selfish and childish to me. But I also agree judgement isnt the answer (which btw I did not sense from your post)
Support. Which unfortunately seems like finding someone to hold that lil babe as much as possible. IMHO. I think your concerns are incredibly valid and your worries and sleeplessness would be my reaction as well.
Good luck and remember to take care of yourself while you take care of others.

[BarnMomma]

I would just offer support. The birth of my son hit me like a ton of bricks. I loved him right away and felt bonded but I kept waiting for my life to go back to normal. Iremember a very specific moment when it hit me the hardest. My mother bought me a cuisinart. I was thrilled and couldn't wait to use it. But never got the chance for two weeks. I was walking home after our morning stroll thinking to myself these exact words "when life goes back to normal I'll learn how to use it" and then it dawned on me that life was NEVER going to be like that again and that was very hard.

I was a person who thrived on alone-time, and me-time. Not having that at all all of a sudden was hard. Just think about it...how often do any of us moms get to sit and pleasantly read a book or magazine? Just remember how much of a shock that one little aspect of mommyhood was.

Plus her hormones are off the wall. And it could be PPD as well. The best thing to do I think is be supportive and maybe recall to her just how hard it was on YOU when your children were born. I had a freind make me cry once as she recalled how hard a newborn can be and how the mom often feels so alone in her task and that cry was just what I needed...it let me release and realize I wasn't alone in my feelings.

[ilovefelix]

Thanks ladies, those were some helpful insights.

[RomanCarmelMom]

It sounds to me like she hasn't bonded with the baby. It also sounds like PPD to me as well. I had it, and still have it over 2 years later. If I were you, I would call to talk to B-I-L and have him encourage her to seek help.

[ilovefelix]

Originally Posted by RomanCarmelMom

It sounds to me like she hasn't bonded with the baby. It also sounds like PPD to me as well. I had it, and still have it over 2 years later. If I were you, I would call to talk to B-I-L and have him encourage her to seek help.

We will find out more about the current situation. To get a better idea if she is feeling more like bonding with him.

Good luck to you mama! I hope you feel better soon.:

[SunshineJ]

Originally Posted by ilovefelix

Thanks ladies, those were some helpful insights. I did realize that not very mama is going to be like me, holding him as much as possible etc. But when her birthday is more important than the baby....I mean c'mon. She seems to have this idea that he knows what he's doing & he's trying to irritate her.

DS was born via c/s 2 days before our first anniversary. The original plan was to have a normal induction, baby is born on Thursday, we're home Saturday, mom watches baby for maybe 1 hr while we enjoy a nice delivery dinner in the other room on Sunday. Induction lasted 2 days, resulted in c/s and we were released Monday - the day after our anniversary. At 4pm I realized it was our anniv., there was no way my mom was driving back to the hospital to help us do anything for it and I was devestated. For MONTHS this was a seriously sore spot with me (ok it still is a little bit, though it's lessoned significantly in the past 6+ yrs!). Did I not appreciate my new baby? Had nothing to do with it. For my birthday, for Christmas, for every occasion and every gathering for 10 months it was ALL about the baby. And I was excited about that baby. But I'm also more than just a baby incubator too, and this was the *one* thing that I knew I wouldn't get a gift of baby items for, that was just for me and DH. I was one of those new mom's who rarely had the baby out of my sight as much as possible. I sat him down as needed, but was a very cuddly mom. That didn't mean that I still didn't want one thing that wasn't about my son, to do something that recognized that I was a separate entity.

Although I don't agree with scheduled feedings, I will say that the hospital NICU told us that our DD needed to eat every 3 hrs as a newborn. 2 weeks later the dr ammended it to 5 hrs, so I don't think a 2 hr spacing is going to cause harm to the baby.

FWIW, with DD it took me several months to really bond with her. DH was actually a little worried, but saw that after a month or two I did interact with her frequently and she was well cared for. With DS I bonded with him a lot more from the start, but still held back some. I couldn't help it. For some reason at the "magic" 1 yr mark I was able to completely bond with both children without reserve. Maybe it's the SIDS spector? The old tradition of celebrating the 1st birthday as a milestone because the child survived the most fatal year? I don't know. It didn't make sense but there wasn't a single thing I could do about it. Right now the kids are 4 & 6 and I can't imagine us having a closer relationship, and it's been that way for years now.

You don't know what issues your SIL is dealing with right now. It may be PPD, it may be hormones, trying to adjust and find some balance between being a woman and being a mom. Most dr's I know won't officially diagnose PPD until 6weeks pp in order to let the hormones stable back out some. I wouldn't dream of judging someone before that mark either. Cut her some slack, let her know that you're there if she needs you, and see how it works out. There may be issues there, but it is really too early to know imo.

K.

[Calee]

She sounds just like me when DS was born. When NO ONE except my mom was around, I could finally cry and say what I was really feeling:
What have I done!
I can't do this!
My life will NEVER be the same!
I will never feel like myself again!

And yes, I DID go out with my DH without baby (for an hour) when he was only a week old. DH took me out to breakfast, and I felt like a human again. I came back refreshed and better for it.

And you know, I never had full-blown, diagnosable, medicated PPD. I just had the baby blues and it took me some time. I was so thankful that before I had him, I had a wonderful friend who told me, "Don't feel guilty if it doesn't all feel perfect right away. People forget how hard those first days are, and you are completely normal to have a really hard time".

Next time when my mom visited (from out of town-a couple months later)....
She was watching me with him, and she said:
She said, "When did you fall in love with him?"

It made me cry! I HAD fallen in love with him! Not on day one, or two, but over time, I had fallen TOTALLY, COMPLETELY, INEXPLICABLY in love!

While you may not like or agree with some of the things she is doing, from your description, none of it sounds like he is being harmed. Two hours between feedings is not a long time, and being laid down (if not crying/in need) is ok.

Unless she has severe PPD or another mental health issue that impares her ability to attach, I believe fully that given some time, she will bond and fall in love with her child, just as I did. My son is TOTALLY attached, happy and healthy, despite my early struggles.

[TCMoulton]

Originally Posted by ilovefelix

I guess I was asking for help & not judgement.

But isn't that exactly what you are doing with you SIL - judging her without knowing what is going on in her life to make her act that way?

My 1st DD was in the NICU for the first 4 days of her life and I felt disconnected for a while after she was born - as if I didn't know her well enough to feel connected. There is a very good chance that your SIL is suffering from PPD or another PP disorder - every mom has a different experience so it is hard to say from a description on the internet if that is definitely her problem. I would think the best thing to do would be to offer any support you can and see how things go from there.

[ilovefelix]

Originally Posted by TCMoulton

But isn't that exactly what you are doing with you SIL - judging her without knowing what is going on in her life to make her act that way?

My 1st DD was in the NICU for the first 4 days of her life and I felt disconnected for a while after she was born - as if I didn't know her well enough to feel connected. There is a very good chance that your SIL is suffering from PPD or another PP disorder - every mom has a different experience so it is hard to say from a description on the internet if that is definitely her problem. I would think the best thing to do would be to offer any support you can and see how things go from there.

I said that because that is what the person who I was responding to was doing. As are you, judging me.

Yes, it is hard to say from description over the internet...isn't it???

[St. Margaret]

I would decide if I could handle hearing much about this situation-- if I had regularly been in contact with these people before, and would be around them much, that would probably make me want to perservere-- and assuming I could, I would kill her with kindness and support. Just keep being there for her. If you live far away, try calls and online. Let her know that you are someone she can opening talk with about how hard it can be and baby blues, and keep slipping in whatever normalizing attitude-adjusting language you can. It's tricky b/c it's not your business to tell her how to raise her baby, but a baby deserves certain things, like being fed and held a certain amount, no matter what.

Sometimes with some people my DH and I are not that close with, I just can't stand to think about one more specific baby going through this kind of existence. But if I have an open opportunity, I think support first and gentle guidance work best.

I would also seriously try to gently slip in the damning evidence against Babywise, since that seems to be a big issue. It's unfathomable how people still follow that book without knowing where it comes from, and I think once they do, they might lighten up.

http://www.salon.com/mwt/feature/199...06feature.html
and googling Ezzo will get you a good start on this.

Maybe she's using Babywise as an excuse to do what she feels like doing anyway, but maybe if she's just worried about how her baby will "turn out" as a sleeper and all, the research will help. I would find a really offhand way of presenting, it, though.

This is really hard. Good luck!

[Alison's Mom]

I also had a hard time adjusting when my 1st was born. It wasn't to the extreme that the OP mentioned or some of the other posters mentioned, but before my DD was born, I had read some mainstream books and talked to some mainstream people and had a very unrealistic view of what my baby was going to be like (would wake up every 3 hrs at night for a feed, etc), and what my life would be like.

My baby wanted to be held all. the. time. and if we didn't hold her, she cried all. the. time, so we ended up holding her all the time and using a sling to go for walks. She would wake up the moment I put her down and if I nursed her lying down she would sleep but would wake up every hour in the middle of the night. I was not expecting that at all and it made me feel like such a failure on top of my very hormonal, sleep deprived state. I would break down into tears if DH phoned to say he would be 20 min late coming home from work. I sometimes would be holding my DD but crying at the same time just feeling sorry for myself.

I think I had mild PPD which my mother also had when my brother and I were born. She understood what it was like and helped me tremendously. I honestly don't know what I would have done with her.

I guess this was just a long winded way of saying that although I don't seem have to gone through the same thing as her, perhaps she had unrealistic views of how much her life would change after a baby, and how much a baby would actually need from her. I know I did.

It must be hard to try to support her when you live in another town and she has an abrasive personality to begin with. Perhaps you can talk to her DH and her mother about your concerns and make sure they support her as much as they can during this time. It's good of you to put your differences aside for the sake of the baby.