I really need help... I'm slipping down hill (with 2.5 year old)

[heathermarie73]

Okay my ds (2.5 yr) is really in a bad stage and I am really stressed with other things. The biggest problems are he won't go to bed and he is agressive with dd (7 months). I've mentioned in another post that I was raised listening to controlling, condecending parenting and even hitting. Sometimes I hear myself say "do you want a spanking" and I cringe. Sometimes I get so mad that I feel like I could spank him. I think some of this has to do also with the fact that he hits me and dd. I know it is irrational but sometimes I worry he is going to grow up and be like those teenagers that beat up their parents ( I knew some )
The worst part is we were like two peas in a pod before dd was born (he was starting to hit though). This is now 9 months of hitting, when does it stop?
WWYD 1. He won't go to bed.
I used stay with him until he slept, now it takes forever (usually 2 hours sometimes 3). I tried constantly bringing him to bed and leaving him there and checking on him, but I'm not sure if this is a good solution. I never let him cio as a baby, but is it different if the child is 2.5 yrs? If I stay with him now he jumps all over me and won't sleep or hits me.
WWYD 2. He attacks the baby. No amount of "gentle" or "careful" or "no" stops him.
I think I am just so stressed with his determination and stubbornness for me to think straight. I am also very hurt by what I feel like is a break down in our relationship.
Why can't I get through to him. I feel like I am talking to a wall. He won't listen to me when I talk to him, he won't even look at me when I try to explain things. Is there a Toddlers are from Saturn, Moms are from Venus book out there? I'm so beyond my limit here.

[LynnS6]

No Toddlers are from Saturn book... but there's a very good book called "The Emotional Life of the Toddler"

Our kids are 4 and 7. We put them to bed and then check on them every 5 or 10 minutes until they fall asleep. Until recently, we actually set the timer so they'd know when we were coming. I think it's a great solution - they fall asleep, but they don't feel abandoned. You might also try some music or books on tape (CD). Dd loves to fall asleep to music, so the deal was: you're in bed, the music is on. If you're out of bed, the music goes off.

Do you have someone to help with bedtime? Maybe it's time to hand it off to someone else?

As for the hitting, I would do two things:
1. Prevent as much a possible. A lot of parents with 2 year olds and babies get into the habit of never leaving them alone together. If you go to the kitchen, one comes with. If you go to the bathroom, one comes with.

2. Remove him from the situation immediately if he hits. When our kids hit, we levitated them to their cribs until I could calm down enough to not want to hit them back and/or they had enough control over themselves to not strike out again. Is it the gentlest/most non-coercive way of dealing with it? Probably not. Did it work to keep me and my kids safe? Yep.

The key here is that when he comes back to be with you, it's over. No harping on it, no holding it against him. The slate is wiped clean and you start over.

At the same time, work with your son to verbalize his feelings. Help him name both happy and angry/sad emotions. "You look really mad, but you still need to be gentle."

Originally Posted by heathermarie73

I think I am just so stressed with his determination and stubbornness for me to think straight. I am also very hurt by what I feel like is a break down in our relationship.

Be careful not to ascribe adult emotions to a toddler. If you're hurt, think of it from HIS perspective. You had this great relationship and then you brought home another BABY. How could you?!!

I think it might help to read up on child development a bit too - there's the old series "Your Two Year Old" "Your Three Year Old" etc. that are decent. There's a more recent book that I've scanned (but not read) thoroughly Ages and Stages: Your Guide to Normal Childhood Development that looks like a good way to give you a reasonable way to give you a view of what's typical.

Have you read:
Becoming the Parent You want to Be
Connection Parenting

Finally, have you been screened for PPD? Sometimes PPD comes out as anger/impatience with your older child, in addition to anxiety/sadness, etc.

[reezley]

Oh, that's such a hard phase, the 2.5yo-and-an-infant time. I had the same sadness as you, over losing the "perfect" little boy and the close relationship you had before the second one came along. And the hitting - we had that. I couldn't leave them in a room alone for a long time. And I'm sorry to say, I still can't for very long - at least for us, it's still going on and ds1 is 4 now. It's not nearly as often now, but it morphed into a more "sophisticated", if you will, aggression that is much less than it used to be but more sneaky too. But seeing the hitting against a defensless infant was so maddening and hard. I had never been as angry at ds1 as when he started hitting his brother.

So that's my commisseration! Only a few words of advice. One, spanking/hitting him won't help, of course. I'll bet the kids/teens who hit their parents were hit growing up, and that only made them angrier and taught them to deal with things by hitting. One concrete thing I did (and I got the idea here I think!) was that whenever I saw ds's attempt to hit coming (reaching out and a little glint in the eye...) I would say "Oh! You're doing gentle with ds2?! That's nice!" and I'd also stroke ds2 gently on the head, showing him. So, I'd try to praise him for doing the good thing - even though I knew he wasn't going to. Another thing I did was just completely remove ds1 from the area. Looking back I probably should have done more of removing ds2 from the area, so ds2 is the one that would get to stay with me. But sometimes he was in a bouncy seat or some such thing so that wasn't practical.

Most of all, I had to get perspective again on how young ds1 at 2.5 really was. He seemed so old, especially compared to a new baby, but really they are just still learning at that age. I started to repeat to myself when he hit, etc. - "he's still learning." It's our job to teach them, we can't expect them to already know everything and be able to control themselves at 2yo.

Oh - one more thing. My ds1 was dropping his nap at 2yo. He fell apart a bit in the evening until he was really used to not having a nap - BUT... it made bedtime sooooo much easier, and earlier too. Maybe it's time to skip a nap sometimes?

Best of luck - I'm sure others here will have better advice than me. But that's my experience and my 2 cents.

[heathermarie73]

Originally Posted by reezley

Oh, that's such a hard phase, the 2.5yo-and-an-infant time. I had the same sadness as you, over losing the "perfect" little boy and the close relationship you had before the second one came along. And the hitting - we had that. I couldn't leave them in a room alone for a long time.
But seeing the hitting against a defensless infant was so maddening and hard. I had never been as angry at ds1 as when he started hitting his brother.
Most of all, I had to get perspective again on how young ds1 at 2.5 really was. He seemed so old, especially compared to a new baby, but really they are just still learning at that age. I started to repeat to myself when he hit, etc. - "he's still learning." It's our job to teach them, we can't expect them to already know everything and be able to control themselves at 2yo.
Oh - one more thing. My ds1 was dropping his nap at 2yo. He fell apart a bit in the evening until he was really used to not having a nap - BUT... it made bedtime sooooo much easier, and earlier too. Maybe it's time to skip a nap sometimes?

Thanks, Both of you helped a lot. This is really what I'm going through. Along with semi potty training. The nap idea is might help. It isn't only about me missing my relationship with ds, but also about the guilt of seeing how he feels about the difference in our relationship because I see the acting out as him trying to get attention. I just have SO much to do these days as a WAHM of 2 with a huge messy house and dh working 60-80 hours (we own a business) and the bills stacking up. I wish I had the time but I don't and I just feel so bad sometimes. I just need to remember he is still little and learning and get my hands on some of those books, but where to find the time to read them?

[XanaduMama]

Originally Posted by reezley

Oh - one more thing. My ds1 was dropping his nap at 2yo. He fell apart a bit in the evening until he was really used to not having a nap - BUT... it made bedtime sooooo much easier, and earlier too. Maybe it's time to skip a nap sometimes?.

:

This was our solution to the bedtime battles. Once ds stopped napping, he went right to sleep--from taking an hour plus, it went to 10-20 mins, including story. : Totally worth the occasional evening meltdown.

We also had a tough time with being rough toward his baby sister, but now that he's 3, it's much, much better. She annoys him greatly, of course, and there's the occasional physical conflict, but he's stopped being rough toward her without apparent cause.

Hang in there! Sounds like you've got a lot on your plate. Hope you get a break occasionally, to clear your head.

[AngelBee]