I think I've messed up my kids

[star jewel]

I and my ex had a meeting with my son's teachers and counselor (he's in 1st grade public). He's been a royal terror at school, terrorizes the kids and has no friends because of that, has VERY limited attention/concentration, hits and verbally assults classmates and teachers. In short, he's a problem child. I know where his anger is coming from: horribly hostile relationship between me and my ex; getting back together and splitting up like 5 million times; my explosive mood swings. My psychiatrist has diagnosed me with cyclothymia (sp??), rapid mood swings as opposed to manic depressive. From one second (literally) I flip out and cannot take anything from the kids. Also, I really lose control of my language when I get angry. (I think the mood swings are hereditary; the anger may stem from abuse I think I suffered from a babysitter when I was 3) Anyway, my son is a very angry confused child. His teacher says his frequent journal theme is "families belong together", yet when I ask him if he wants to be a "family" together again, he says he's afraid the fighting will start again (which it probably will). Should I pull him out of school and try homeschooling? I feel like I need to spend more nurturing time with him, if I could only find the right medication to keep me from flipping out. Any mamas out there like that? Please tell me I'm not alone. I'm very depressed about this and feel like there is nothing but pain and suffering ahead for me and my kids.

[captain optimism]

I'm not an expert and I can't speak from a been-there-done-that perspective. I'm mainly writing back because I want you to get a positive message right away! My first thought was, your son is in first grade, so you can't really say you have messed him up, just yet! With your love he can still grow into being a happy child and a happy adult.

There are lots of moms and dads out there who have dealt with mental illness and have parented well. You are going to the psychiatrist, which means you are getting help. You can model dealing with anger for your son, which can only be helpful for him. The fact that you love him is more important than anything.

Do you like and trust the teacher? Are you going to seek an evaluation for your son, to get special services at school? If the school situation is decent and the school system is willing to work with you to make things better, I would go with that. That's my preference, but others here might say to homeschool anyway. I just think that if the school is good, it can help you a lot. Your son can get help through the school with his attention issues, and you can learn what you can do to support him.

If the school situation isn't good, and you can move him into a better school situation, that might also help his behavior.

The other thought I had was for you and your son to take a martial arts class together. I know that sounds weird, but people tell me it helps with their anger issues.

[mamaduck]

(((star))) Everytime my child makes a mistake, or has a problem, I immediately assume that its all my fault, and every mistake I've made in raising him thus far comes to the surface of my mind and I battle obessessing about it. I realize your family has some geniune issues, but I want to assure you that with a first child -- we all feel this overwhelming sense of responsibility and guilt everytime something goes wrong. Its *very* difficult to cope with!

I commend you for working so hard at being well and overcoming the obstacles that are hurting your family. Just keep doing the best that you can.

Are there people in your life to support you when you are ready to flip out on the kids? I know that if my neighbor, sister, or friend called me out of the blue and said, "I'm going to loose it. Can you take my kids for an hour," I would be on her doorstep within 10 mintutes to get the kids. And I suspect they would do the same for me. Don't be afraid to ask for support, or to be honest about your struggles.

[Dar]

I think it's so great that you're looking at the issues ad trying to find a solution. You seem pretty clear on what the problems have been in the past, and you're looking for ways to avoid doing the same things in the future. That's all good stuff.

What sort of assistace has the school offered? Do they have a psychologist, perhaps, or a behavioral specialist, someone who could help come up with a plan for him to be more successful at school? Are they being positive or accusatory? If they're willing to work with you and him and you're struggling with your own issues right now, perhaps shifting to homeschooling isn't the best thing.

What are you doing to help yourself? The right medication can help, but for some people, the perfect medication doesn't exist. I've also been diagnosed with cyclothymia, as well as some other stuff, and I've found medications that help with some things but make others worse, like I won't feel so depressed but I also won't be able to eat without feeling sick. I think it's helpful to realize that the medications may take you so far, and you have to do the rest yourself.

Like Mamaduck said, it's important to use the resources you have - I've been called by a friend about to flip out at her kids, and I took her daughter for the afternoon. I've called friends because I was losing it and couldn't stop crying, and they were there for me. It might help to have a list, even, of people you can call.

I would also make plans besides calling people. If you're feeling on edge, can you stick in a video and go take a bath? I don't know how you feel about videos, but my thought is that watching a video can't be nearly as harmful for a kid as being yelled at or sworn at, and sometimes you gotta give a little on something. ou might also mak a list of ways to calm down, or I bet there are lists online - take a deep breath, have a glass of water, do 50 jumping jacks, count to ten, knit 2 rows on a scarf, whatever works for you...

In the end, though, it's up to you. Having an illness can make being a good parent harder, but it's not an excuse for not being a good parent. I know that sounds harsh, but I think it's true.:::sigh::: I yelled at Rain and made her cry this week, which was an awfully crappy to do, and it wasn't being a good parent. I am dealing with depression right now and makes everything harder, plus we had a crazy weekend with the show closing, but it's my responsibility to deal with that. I do tell her when I'm having a hard time, and ask for her help, but in the end it's up to me....

Dar

[scoutycat]

Re: I think I've messed up my kids

Originally posted by star jewel
Please tell me I'm not alone. I'm very depressed about this and feel like there is nothing but pain and suffering ahead for me and my kids.

You're not alone! I'm dealing with depression, fortunately I've found the right meds & life is *much* easier. I really believe that kids reflect their parents emotions, so if you are unstable and frustrated right now your ds will be to. If you find peace, though, that will help him on his way as well I think that homeschooling isn't the answer to the problem you are trying to deal with. There's lots of good reasons to homeschool, but it sounds like the problems he's having don't stem from school as much as home, so changing his schooling situation won't change much, kwim? I hear that you want to be there for him more often, but I bet it's not as much of a time issue as an availability issue right now if you are going through a lot of upheaval. I don't know what to do about your situation, but I know that when I am dealing with problems that I feel I have no way out of, I need to get a plan instead of reacting based on my mood or emotions. If I have a plan, I always have a direction. Even if I stray a little or need to readjust, I have something to work from instead of just grasping at straws when I get really desperate and trying some other new thing and going in circles. Good Luck, & HTH! -jen

[scoutycat]

Oh, and kids are resiliant, too! He'll come through this, I'm sure.

[chapulina]

to you, Star Jewel!

Just wanted to say that both of my parents struggled with mental illness (schizophrenia/bipolar and anxiety disorder) while trying to raise a family of five. Some very not pretty times, as you might imagine. To add, neither of my parents were loving towards us (i.e, not physically affectionate, no verbal "I love you's", etc and very big about spanking for offenses, order in the house, and so on.

I am somewhat of a success story. The only one of the 5 thus far with a happy life. Lots of good mentors have helped me on the way. A strong spiritual relationship with the creator of this world has also been my rock, so to speak. I think reading has also helped me immensely.

How awesome for you to be so on the look-out for you ds's needs! ITA with all the previous suggestions, and I pray for good people to be available for you and your son as resources in such challenging times. Blessings to you!

[star jewel]

thank you lots and lots!!!!

Thanks lots and lots for everyone's advice and support. I'm sure you will all be happy to know my son and I are visiting a counselor next week (I've seen her on and off for several years, so she's familiar with my history). Also, I am very affectionate with my kids (my son and the bossy 2 year old diva):
lots of hugs, kissing, I love you is very frequent in our house, I play alot with them and read alot too. I really do adore them!! That's why it's so hard for my family and friends to understand how low I can feel sometimes; on the outside I look like a great mom. But I have had several good days in a row: keeping control; being firm with my son but not cruel or abusive; I baked twice this week and that works as therapy for me!! Also, I'm getting started on writing a script for a short film that someone might be interested in producing. (I am an unpublished prolific (sp??) writer and haven't written in a long time due to my depression.) So all is not bad. And a special hug out to Chapulina for all you went through and coming out strong. I'm praying for that to happen to my kids and me. God Bless and everyone have a safe and happy holiday!!