ADD Support Thread II - Page 3

[jessjgh1]

Ah, once again I have not had time to get to the threads, but let me say that alot has really resonated... and yet, some really seems the opposite.

Let's see things I identify strongly with: being inefficient, forgetful (as in having to go in the house 3 times for various things), being overwhelmed, procrastinating, taking SOOOO much time to write a simple email, an ideas person (just can never implement all that I want to), rambling emails

Things I don't identify with: losing keys, hyperfocus in 5-15 minute spurts (I need LARGE qty's of time), I'm not sure I understand hyperfocus.... , oh, there were more, but I'm short on time.... There's a bit of a perfectionist/work-a-holic tendency that runs in my family.... so from what I can tell/guess, that's about the most awkward combo you can get.

Lately I realize I need to be better at having a routine for my ds. But the idea of a routine is totally FREAKING me out. I avoid the word schedule, but of course a routine is just a nicer verson of that and I just have never been able to do one, so the idea of needing one, not just for me, but for HIM, to functon is feelign very scary.... but TOTALLY what he needs, and heck, what I should be doing....

In some ways I'm super organized. Very detail oriented, anal.... and then as a contrast I can be very haphazard (sp??) messy, lazy about things too. My dh seems to 'get' that something is blocking my progress and that I have a hard time doing things that should be easy. Its good he's been helpful on this and we've been organizing our house, which I've REALLY wanted to do for years (I've done bits, but not all before it gets out of order). This cleaning and decluttering has made me wonder if there's some truth to the saying that the clutter in my closets isn't cluttering my mind a bit too.

I'm currently being evaluated and while ADD has not been ruled out, it also is not a definite. He suggested I take a look at information on Executive Functioning Disorder/dysfunction. Well, that resonates too, but the info I read on CHADD.org and on women and ADD resonated more.

So I'm a bit stuck and won't try the meds till I'm not breastfeeding-- I suppose if they worked then I would 'know'. I probably could try the concerta script my doctor gave me, but don't feel its dire enough to warrent the risk. If my dh stepped up a bit, things would be at a point I probably definately would NOT want to medicate, and he knows that but for his own reasons he just doesn't feel he can do that right now (he's really busy at work and he admits he has a hard time being left alone with the kids== he has suggested me getting a sitter/mothers helper as a compromise, so I'm working on that . And he's been helping get our house in order which has been really helpful)

I've also wanted to ask about coaching, as was recently brought up too..... I think that is something dh could get behind.

Sorry for the post composition.... I tend to write in reverse order... and need to let go of the urge to edit (more, done some) right now.

Jessica

[AmyB736]

Thanks journeymom!

I told my husband last night that I made an appointment and he rolled his eyes and said "your just a lazy woman." It hurt my feelings and I started crying. Him saying that just confirms my thoughts that I have a horrible reputation. Then I asked him to explain himself and he basically thinks that I don't have ADD and I'm making it up so I can have an excuse for being a screw up all of the time (not his exact words, just everything he said in a nutshell). He doesn't understand why I have no problem focusing on some things but I can't focus on other things (like keeping the house clean and having dinner cooked everynight). He really doesn't understand ADD at all (I know he doesn't because he says I should 'just rise above it') and I'm trying to get him to research it but he "doesn't feel like it right now". :

When I was in Elementary school my teachers and principal told my Mom that they thought I had ADD but she didn't want to believe that and never followed through with evaluation or treatment. She thought the school just wanted all of their kids medicated. She allowed me to continue getting bad grades, not do my homework, get in trouble for not paying attention and talking too much, and then because of all of that I was ALWAYS punished at home. She just thought it was me being lazy and thought I would get better if her and my dad offered me rewards for good grades and punish me if I didn't.

Sometimes I feel angry that this wasn't diagnosed and treated a long time ago and I could have had a better life with more accomplishments. There have been so many things that I've wanted to do with my life and couldn't. Does anyone else feel like they've been ripped off?

[smeisnotapirate]

No offense, Amy, but your DH is AWFUL. Nobody who loves you should say things like that.

[mamabohl]

((HUGS)) Amy. What your husband said was so hurtful and rude!

I totally understand the feeling f being ripped off and being mad at your parents for not getting you help as a child. my mom works with special ed kids and yet she has never seen any of the signs in her children? I think she just doesn't want to think of her own kids as "less than" or something.

[AmyB736]

No offense taken. It was an awful thing for him to say, but he isn't an awful person, he's just living with me. I am honestly lucky to have him, someone else would have kicked me to the curb long ago (he's put up with me for 11 years now). I'm wondering if he thinks I'm trying to make an excuse. I am a MESS (not cleaning, cooking, etc.). He has every right to be unhappy with me, he does his share and mine. And he doesn't know what ADD is really, he has a sterotypical view in his head and thinks it means I would be hyper and distracted at EVERYTHING. When he says I should "just rise above it" he is saying he is desparate for some help with the household chores and tired of me causing more work for him to do.

[smeisnotapirate]

Originally Posted by mamabohl

((HUGS)) Amy. What your husband said was so hurtful and rude!

I totally understand the feeling f being ripped off and being mad at your parents for not getting you help as a child. my mom works with special ed kids and yet she has never seen any of the signs in her children? I think she just doesn't want to think of her own kids as "less than" or something.

My mom was the same way - a degree in special ed and never saw the signs. I agree with the "less than" thing.

Originally Posted by AmyB736

No offense taken. It was an awful thing for him to say, but he isn't an awful person, he's just living with me. I am honestly lucky to have him, someone else would have kicked me to the curb long ago (he's put up with me for 11 years now). I'm wondering if he thinks I'm trying to make an excuse. I am a MESS (not cleaning, cooking, etc.). He has every right to be unhappy with me, he does his share and mine. And he doesn't know what ADD is really, he has a sterotypical view in his head and thinks it means I would be hyper and distracted at EVERYTHING. When he says I should "just rise above it" he is saying he is desparate for some help with the household chores and tired of me causing more work for him to do.

Don't say things like that. I can understand wanting help with the house - but if ADD is what you have, you have a disability (of sorts). You need help - not someone tearing you down. You need patience. Just because he doesn't understand ADD doesn't give him an excuse for saying hurtful things. Getting you help and being supportive and understanding will help you "rise above it," and anyone who doesn't get that is less of a man because of it.

/rant

Sorry. I get really worked up about toxic people. I hope you don't take offense, Amy. I remember being with someone who said things like that, and it's tough to believe that their feelings and reactions are not your fault.

[journeymom]

Originally Posted by AmyB736

No offense taken. It was an awful thing for him to say, but he isn't an awful person, he's just living with me. I am honestly lucky to have him, someone else would have kicked me to the curb long ago (he's put up with me for 11 years now). I'm wondering if he thinks I'm trying to make an excuse. I am a MESS (not cleaning, cooking, etc.). He has every right to be unhappy with me, he does his share and mine. And he doesn't know what ADD is really, he has a sterotypical view in his head and thinks it means I would be hyper and distracted at EVERYTHING. When he says I should "just rise above it" he is saying he is desparate for some help with the household chores and tired of me causing more work for him to do.

I have so many thoughts, I don't know where to begin. But the part I bolded there is so painful to read. From my perspective that's a very unfair thing to say about yourself. He married you for a reason, probably because you are fun, beautiful and maybe quirky.

If he doesn't know what adhd really is then he needs educating. As your husband he's obligated to get the real picture about you. It's not fair for him to continue to treat you this way, based upon wrong information.

I know it gets tiresome when folks on MDC seemingly automatically suggest therapy. But - this seems like an ideal time for therapy. You need therapy to help you deal with adhd and to repair your severely battered ego. Your dh needs to learn from an adhd expert what it really is all about, and how he can truly be helpful, rather than living in frustration and putting you down.

Put it to him this way: would he rather continue living in this frustrating situation, taking shots at his wife, or would he prefer it if his wife finds a solution to the problem, so that she can start being a more whole, healthy person, an equal partner contributing to the team effort?

Just something to think on, I remember reading once about how when one spouse is very overweight and tries to lose weight, the other spouse will subtly sabotage their efforts. It seems really illogical, but there's a lot of emotions wrapped up in our marital dynamics.

He may have gotten used to you being in this 'inferior' position in your marriage. If you 'get better' he may feel, well, any number of things. He may be happy for you but he might also be a little intimidated or frightened. He might worry about you leaving him behind. This is all a HUGH speculation on my part. And it's not the kind of thing he'd be particularly aware of.

Feeling ripped off: I totally know what you mean. It is unfair.

[jessjgh1]

The article here on women and ADD was really helpful for me:
http://www.help4adhd.org/en/living/womengirls/WWK19

Studies show that AD/HD in a family member causes stress for the entire family13. However, stress levels may be higher for women than men because they bear more responsibility for home and children. In addition, recent research suggests that husbands of women with AD/HD are less tolerant of their spouse's AD/HD patterns than wives of men with AD/HD14. Chronic stress takes its toll on women with AD/HD...

This was one thing my doctor talked about-- how it really can be problematic in a marriage....
gotta go, just had a second....

Jessica

[Kappa]

Hi everyone, self-diagnosed ADD here! All of you here are EXACTLY like me! I have been feeling desperate lately, like I wanted to go in to talk to the doc about getting an official diagnosis, but going on adderall or something scares me a bit so I've been avoiding that. Instead, I came across hypnotherapy for ADD. I decided to give it a try, I told the therapist about my symptoms (not really telling him I thought I had ADD as I didn't want him to cure the ADD, just help me manage symptoms), and so far so good. My main symptoms are procrastination, disorganization, and "noise." I always feel like there is a noisy soundtrack playing in my head. I had one session, and girls I feel like all that "noise" got turned off! I highly recommend hypnotherapy, even if the "noise" comes back on tomorrow, I feel like these past 3 days have been totally worth the fee. I have done Lists of To-Do's that previously 1) would never have gotten written, or if so would have been lost by mid-morning 2) would have taken me 3 "good" weeks to complete before this session and 3) included items I've been putting off for months. Right now, this evening, I am getting ahead on pumping, filling out 08 tax forms and doing laundry. My baby's play room is neat, and there are no coffee cups or water bottles littering my car. Small things for most people, but to accomplish this would have DRAINED me previously, but now I am looking forward to doing more. It's great. I will be going in for 2 more sessions at least, I hope to make at least a couple of permanent changes. I really recommend to try hypnotherapy, with a GOOD therapist (may cost some $$$) who maybe has experience with ADD, or helping manage the symptoms of ADD.

ETA: Hypnotherapy is an accepted complementary therapy by the AMA, I am certainly not advocating anyone go out and get "fixed" by a hack.

[stuckunderhere]

I have ADD and was diagnosed around 12yrs old. Was on Ritalin all through HS (5yrs) and now try to make it through every day with simpler ways of dealing with it. I think its working but I'm now dealing with Anxiety/Depression so I see a therapist twice a month. No meds yet though *thumbs up*
She helps me with Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and some meditation. It works and I can definitely say I actually like going to our sessions compared to all the crap I went through in the past before meeting her in 2005.

[heidirk]

jessjgh1- Dont' worry about writing in reverse order or editing on this thread- we'd much rather you spent time saying what you thought than editing for grammar and spelling! (so say I as I go back and edit! ) It's interesting that all of our 'symptoms' are slightly different. We've all developed ways to survive, emotionally, etc. and it changes us in the process. There was a carefree imaginative little girl named Heidi once, but she dissappeared a long time ago.

It's interesting about ADD affecting women in a more stressful way, but I think it's another result of the uneven responsibility our society places on women to raise children, manage a career, and a household, and basically take care of everyone and never expect anyone to take care of them.


AmyB736- "There have been so many things that I've wanted to do with my life and couldn't." This made me sit up and take notice. Your whole post is quite familiar, but I'm right with you in wondering what I could have accomplished if I'd been 'normal'. But I AM who I AM. I would not be me, and I wouldn't be able to contribute in the ways I contribute if I didn't have ADD. So I try to focus on what makes me special, in a good way (like being able to pull Shakespeare out of my mental pocket on a moment's notice because of the way my brain files things). For ME, I beleive God has me here, as the person I am for a reason. Noone else could fill the role I have to play in this life, but me. I was also punished for manifestations of ADD as a child as well.

As for the 'rise above it' thing, my pastor compared me to a man he knew who had cerebral palsy. (his was a negative comparison) He said that his friend didn't let it stop him. I was so upset at the time that I couldn't tell him what I wanted to, which was this. . . If my 'disability'/nonconformity/whatever was a VISIBLE physical handicap, people would not EXPECT the same of me as they do. But because I have an invisible mental/emotional issue, noone cuts me any breaks. It's 'all in my head' literally. I never expected any breaks, BTW, but there you are. :

stuckunderhere- When my sister was getting her psych degree in College, she told me I needed Cognitive Behavioral Threapy. I asked her to describe it to me, and when she did I burst out laughing. I told her, "I do CBT on myself about 25 times a day, every day!" I honestly don't know where I'd be if I couldn;t talk myself out of some of the holes I dig myself into!

[Maggirayne]

Originally Posted by smeisnotapirate

Mag, you're making me wish I'd had a girl. I've become obsessed with Zutano clothes. So cute, but so expensive. :

Heh, it's called JoAnn's.
I know, I really want a boy, but if I have two girls. . . I can dress them alike--when I make clothes, since the majority of our clothes are thrifted or given to us.

Originally Posted by AmyB736

I told my husband last night that I made an appointment and he rolled his eyes and said "your just a lazy woman." It hurt my feelings and I started crying. Him saying that just confirms my thoughts that I have a horrible reputation. Then I asked him to explain himself and he basically thinks that I don't have ADD and I'm making it up so I can have an excuse for being a screw up all of the time (not his exact words, just everything he said in a nutshell). He doesn't understand why I have no problem focusing on some things but I can't focus on other things (like keeping the house clean and having dinner cooked everynight). He really doesn't understand ADD at all (I know he doesn't because he says I should 'just rise above it') and I'm trying to get him to research it but he "doesn't feel like it right now". :

Sometimes I feel angry that this wasn't diagnosed and treated a long time ago and I could have had a better life with more accomplishments. There have been so many things that I've wanted to do with my life and couldn't. Does anyone else feel like they've been ripped off?

Yeah, I took 5 years to graduate high school and 5 years for college. I graduated because I had a mentor, a professor who said I know you can turn out A+ work.
It was most frustrating because I finally understood what was going on when I self-diagnosed, and my mom was like, that's just an excuse. An excuse, Excuse me, shoot, for once I understand why even tho' I desperately wanted to do well, I simply could not focus.

I just ignored her. Thankfully my DH isn't so picky, altho' I'm paranoid about the years ahead when I have multiple kids/babies/am pregnant and am homeschooling and housekeeping. Oh yeah, the kids can help. Must develop systems. So it's really cool for me now, knowing that my decluttering is preparing for waaaay down the road. I just need to learn maintenance habits. Decluttering is 10% something and 90% maintenance. Love my preggo brain.

So, I am sorry your DH is misunderstanding and unkind. I second the counseling, talking down at you like that is demeaning and harmful to your marriage. Your husband is supposed to be the one who stands by you and walks along with you and helps you.

Originally Posted by journeymom

Put it to him this way: would he rather continue living in this frustrating situation, taking shots at his wife, or would he prefer it if his wife finds a solution to the problem, so that she can start being a more whole, healthy person, an equal partner contributing to the team effort?
Just something to think on, I remember reading once about how when one spouse is very overweight and tries to lose weight, the other spouse will subtly sabotage their efforts. It seems really illogical, but there's a lot of emotions wrapped up in our marital dynamics.

He may have gotten used to you being in this 'inferior' position in your marriage. If you 'get better' he may feel, well, any number of things. He may be happy for you but he might also be a little intimidated or frightened. He might worry about you leaving him behind. This is all a HUGH speculation on my part. And it's not the kind of thing he'd be particularly aware of.

Yeah that! Give him concrete suggestions that will help you, maybe?
My mom totally thinks that ADD is an excuse.

Originally Posted by heidirk

jessjgh1- Dont' worry about writing in reverse order or editing on this thread- we'd much rather you spent time saying what you thought than editing for grammar and spelling! (so say I as I go back and edit! ) It's interesting that all of our 'symptoms' are slightly different. We've all developed ways to survive, emotionally, etc. and it changes us in the process. There was a carefree imaginative little girl named Heidi once, but she dissappeared a long time ago.

It's interesting about ADD affecting women in a more stressful way, but I think it's another result of the uneven responsibility our society places on women to raise children, manage a career, and a household, and basically take care of everyone and never expect anyone to take care of them.
(snip)
As for the 'rise above it' thing, my pastor compared me to a man he knew who had cerebral palsy. (his was a negative comparison) He said that his friend didn't let it stop him. I was so upset at the time that I couldn't tell him what I wanted to, which was this. . . If my 'disability'/nonconformity/whatever was a VISIBLE physical handicap, people would not EXPECT the same of me as they do. But because I have an invisible mental/emotional issue, noone cuts me any breaks. It's 'all in my head' literally. I never expected any breaks, BTW, but there you are. :

stuckunderhere- When my sister was getting her psych degree in College, she told me I needed Cognitive Behavioral Threapy. I asked her to describe it to me, and when she did I burst out laughing. I told her, "I do CBT on myself about 25 times a day, every day!" I honestly don't know where I'd be if I couldn;t talk myself out of some of the holes I dig myself into!

Hehe, yeah, we can follow you.
It is neat how we're alike and yet so different. I so wish we could all get together. Sigh.

Oh, Heidi, sorry I haven't called you, duh, that's who I was going to call. I sorted three boxes of papers tonight and kept a couple of short stacks, cards and info for my natural mamas group and some recipes and pitches two bags and sorted a box for DH to look at.

I love your idea and am stealing it!
Saturday - Take Elisabeth to heritage center, get our new chair :, clean middle bedroom more, move get rid of bags out of the living room, get milk and yardsale labels, DH makes pizza every Sat night, yay!

Sunday - church, clear loveseat of clean laundry and hangups, clear table of beading supplies, make enchiladas?

Monday - Clean bathroom, get final stuff ready, pookel come over and help, make a snack for the Natural Mamas movie night, we're watching Pregnant in America.

Tuesday - DH is gone today and tomorrow, I get worn out.

Wednesday - MOPS--hmm, so have someone over for lunch, makes it go by faster while DH is gone

Thursday - Price rummage sale stuff, Bible study

Friday - Take rummage sale stuff to church to lay out.

Saturday - Go help some at rummage sale, eek, need to find out what time works.

Sunday - Maybe sign for church if I call the local interpreter and this isn't too short of notice

So it's sketchy after Monday, but I'll find something I have to do.

Oh yeah, in the middle of all this, ND is passing a BFing bill, which has gone weird, so I need to contact some people and see if we can get it changed. I've been pretty stressed about it.
Here's my thread about it.

[AmyB736]

Thanks everyone for the support. It's nice to be able to share so openly and honestly for once.

I've been feeling so misunderstood and it's comforting to know that there are people out there who DO understand and are facing some of the same challenges.

My ADD has taken a toll on me but it has also taken a toll on others as well, my parents when I lived with them and my husband now. I'm trying not to blame them for their thoughts and actions (not that I'm putting up with them, because I'm not) because I get that this IS such a hard disorder to understand. For a long time *I* misunderstood and just thought I was a lazy slacker, so how can I expect them to understand so quickly.

I do want to say that my husband did take the initiative to read up on ADD the following day when he was at work. He came home and discussed with me what he read and said that he definitely sees that I have ADD. He's really not an awful person and we have that best friend relationship where we're comfortable saying whatever is on our minds and we appreciate each other honesty.

I can see that's it's affecting my kids now so that is one of the main reasons I'm finally getting help. I really want to homeschool my kids and I don't want to fail them but in my current state I'm almost certain I will.

So I did go to the doctor yesterday and he thinks that I have ADHD since I can never sit still, something is ALWAYS moving, and sometimes my whole body shakes. (Like right now, I just feel so intense at the moment, my whole body has the shakes and I think that's what happens when I'm hyperfocusing and sitting at the same time.) He almost put my on Adderol but my blood pressure was 166/119 when I went in there (EKG was good though). So I'm on a water pill for 20 days to see if that comes down.

I know what you guys mean about the good side of ADD and it making you who you are. I get some of the weirdest, quirkiest thoughts and ideas and others wish they were so creative. That is one of the reasons I hesitate to start medicine.

For those that are on medicine, how has it changed you??

[heidirk]

That's interesting, becausemy BP is ALWAYS high when I'm stressed/hyperfocused. hmmmm... . .. . .

As for your DH- : good for him (and you) we never thought he was horrible, we just have a tendency to be protective and say what we're thinking.






Ohhh, meds for me- Dull, with intermittent rages. Sigh. . . maybe I won't go back on meds.

[smeisnotapirate]

I felt ok on meds (I was on Lexapro for the anxiety), but hated the side effects, so I didn't get them refilled after 6 weeks.

[mamabohl]

wow i cannot believe february is almost over already! eek! It feels like our moving date is looming over me, lol.

Last week i posted a ton of stuff we want to get rid of before we move on my local AP group's FSOT board. I'm pretty thrilled cuz i already have someone lined up to buy our washer and dryer and have a couple other things going to people. We're going to plan a garage sale before we go too and anything left will get put on the curb for the Disabled American Veterans to come pick up.

Ok I'm totally overwhelmed by Lazy, Stupid and Crazy now. The first "task" the book suggests is to record everything you do for two weeks so you can figure out how much time you spend doing what kind of task. I'm completely stuck here. I just want to read the book and not do anything, but then i feel bad, like what's the point in reading the book if i don't try what it suggests to get more order in my life?

The book also made me worry about something - how much does it cost to get evaluated? Does anyone know if Tricare covers it?

So my to-do list today -

make brownies (already done, hehe)
call geico and get the name of the person who i talked to when I set up our home owners insurance
call our realtor and tell her that name, then ask her about what happens next before we close on the house
call loan officer and ask him what else we need to do before closing, also ask him about some mail we got from his company that we're not sure about
pick up? maybe?
pack a couple boxes
cook dinner
play with the kids and maybe do some schoolwork with ds
I should probably get dressed....

[Maggirayne]

Yay, I am loving Freecycle and getting rid of stuff I can't use or sell. And cool selling some stuff that I don't need! :

[AmyB736]

Originally Posted by smeisnotapirate

I have an outstanding debt at the library, though, so I can't go back and check out books until I pay it. :

LOL, I just saw this and....yeah...I have one too. I don't even know why I go to the library. EVERY TIME I have ever checked out books I've had to pay for the freakin' book! Right now I owe them over $100 for quite a few books I checked out and never returned. I'm at that the point where they want me to buy them. I haven't went in there yet to ask if they'd take the books back and lower the fee. I'm a little embarrased. :

[heidirk]

Originally Posted by AmyB736

LOL, I just saw this and....yeah...I have one too. I don't even know why I go to the library. EVERY TIME I have ever checked out books I've had to pay for the freakin' book! Right now I owe them over $100 for quite a few books I checked out and never returned. I'm at that the point where they want me to buy them. I haven't went in there yet to ask if they'd take the books back and lower the fee. I'm a little embarrased. :

: Try it! all they can do is say no!


mamabohl- I think the author will forgive you if you read the book first and then work on what you can one thing at a time. I'm sure she never meant for someone to do it while they're trying to move!

And I agree that the hardest part of my day is often just getting out of bed.


AAM- my new class has started, and I have already had to email the professor to tell him I'm missing a book, and I couldn't get my Outlook Express todownload the class newsgroup. That's kind of essential for taking the class. I finally figured out OE and got that fixed, but my book still hasn't come in, and now I'mm missing the one book I already had for this class. THe reading needs to be done by tomorrow. I'm sure I will be OK, but this is not the way I wanted to start class. :

There's nothing like making a good first impression!

[mamabohl]

oh that sucks Heidi! Here's hoping you find the missing book and get the other one ASAP.

About library fees - that is so funny! My mom stopped going to the library after she had a $200 fee. I often have fees, but my biggest one was $8 I think, so i don't do too bad. i frequently renew online and live 5 minutes from the library, so that helps. It's when i forget to check online for about a week that i rack up the late fees. Even with the fees i've had though I've still spent less than buying all the books I've checked out, so I feel ok still using it, lol.

Maggirayne i love getting rid of stuff too!

I'm so proud today, it's only 4 and I've gotten almost all of my to-do list done! I did a load of laundry, packed, taped and labeled a box of clothes, did the dishes before making the brownies, picked up, swept and swiffered the living room, called all the people i needed to call (of course most weren't there and haven't returned my messages....), had DS do a few pages in his writing book, and played Dance Dance Revolution with DS. Now the boys are watching power rangers : and i'm gonna go start dinner (breakfast burritos) in a few minutes. yay!: Of course, this probably means I won't get anything done for the next four dayscuz I'll be so exhausted from one productive day. :