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ADD Support Thread II - Page 22

post #421 of 602
ugh yeah we have de cluttered.. and de cluttered and de cluttered... i think my crap is pro creating without telling me.. like it some sort of cruel joke the universe is playing on me. everytime i get rid of all our crap more stupid useless crap seems to pop out of no where. it doesn't help when my mother decided to de clutter her giant freaking house and dump every thing i have ever owned since the day i was born in my living room.
post #422 of 602
Quote:
Originally Posted by 1littlebit View Post
ugh yeah we have de cluttered.. and de cluttered and de cluttered... i think my crap is pro creating without telling me.. like it some sort of cruel joke the universe is playing on me. everytime i get rid of all our crap more stupid useless crap seems to pop out of no where. it doesn't help when my mother decided to de clutter her giant freaking house and dump every thing i have ever owned since the day i was born in my living room.
That exact thing has happened to me. I am so sorry!

smee- for feeling like a flake. BTDT!
about Toby devouring the peach. . .on the way home from Root's (farmer's market) one time, Henry ate about a pound of cherries. . .pits and all. :



I have said many times that it would be easier to move than clean. I throw away so much junk when I move, I should move about every three years.
Then, when we unpack, DH laughs at me when I find something and say, "Oh, I'd forgotten I even had one of these!"
post #423 of 602
Thread Starter 
Check my sig.

I'm in total shock. Send sticky vibes!
post #424 of 602
OMG, congrats and sticky vibes!

LOL about the cherry pits.

Welcome Sunshadow!

Sorry I've been AWOL, dh took leave last week so we could take the boys camping and to Busch gardens - two things we just had to do before the baby gets here. I'll be 39 weeks tomorrow, no signs of iminent labor yet.

gotta leave for my dr apt in a few minutes, just wanted to pop in quick!
post #425 of 602
Hi there ladies.
I am not sure if this thread is specifically for Mama's and children with ADD, but I am looking for some support.

I am positive in everyway that DH is ADD. I have never 'told him' because he is defensive and it would be me 'attacking' him. However when I brought it up the other day, slyly, he mentioned he was diagnosed when he was a kid going through his years of therapy (because of a divorce) by a 'quack' therapist but blew it off, as did his mother I guess. I questioned him about it and he said "Well, even if I am why does it matter? What does it change? You know i'm not going to take anything so who cares?".
This is understand to a point, he has made it this far in life without being on meds or officially diagnosed and I wouldn't like him taking meds either, but I still feel we/I should research more, especially because we have a 9 month old DD now and what if she inherits the same? He (and I) do not like Drs, he will refuse to see one, so it is pretty much up to me.
I find it very hard to understand him and deal with many of the traits of ADD he has sometimes, I do my best to accomodate his needs but I get really frustrated sometimes and I can feel/see he does too but he usually ends up blaming me instead. I can't open up to him about this because I don't want to attack him and I don't fully understand it either.

Knowing now that he really does have ADD, it explains many things in his life, past and present, and I believe it has prevented him from achieving/reaching his potential. I think if it was assessed when he was a child and diagnosed, he would have had a better chance at graduating high school, college, he would have better communication and organizational skills, would not get into so much trouble at work, and wouldn't have been so depressed through his life.
I want to help him, but like I said he is defensive and does not like to talk about it at all. If he thinks i'm trying to 'medicate' him or 'fix' him in some way he will get mad. I don't know how else to go about this. I would love to help him through his diet, exercise, organization etc. anyway that I can.
I would also like to learn more about it because although our DD is very young she is extremely hyper-active, hard to settle, and bounces from one thing to the next every few seconds. Obviously I have no idea whether or not she is ADD/ADHD at this age, I would like to prepare for it and know what to look for.

So I guess I am looking for advice, stories, insight, links etc. to help me help my family?
post #426 of 602
Quote:
Originally Posted by LeoneLover13 View Post
I questioned him about it and he said "Well, even if I am why does it matter? What does it change? You know i'm not going to take anything so who cares?".
Have you pointed out to him that medication isn't the only possible solution? He doesn't even have to think of it as a "solution" to something that's "wrong" with him - it's just about understanding how his brain works and how he can learn to work with his strengths and compensate for his weaknesses. I've found it very helpful just to recognize something as an ADD trait. Like, instead of thinking, "I'm lazy and I never do anything until the last minute," I can see it as "I have a hard time focusing on projects unless I have a deadline to motivate me." Then if I'm trying to get something done and I find myself puttering around instead, I can recognize it as "I need to focus" instead of "I'm being lazy."

IMHO, it's about understanding yourself. Just like it's valuable for someone who's a brilliant artist but a failure at math to recognize where her unique talents lie, it's valuable for someone with ADD to recognize "these are my skills, these are the things that are harder for me than other people."

Have you checked out Additude magazine? You can google for it - they seem to have a lot of helpful articles, both for adults and for kids.
post #427 of 602
Quote:
Originally Posted by smeisnotapirate View Post
Check my sig.

I'm in total shock. Send sticky vibes!
:
post #428 of 602
Wow, Sara! I got on here and yelled "What!" DH thought I'd done something.

Congratulations!

Leone--we're mamas w/ADD, but we sure can try answering questions! I will be composing some thought for you,but pookel's got a good start.
post #429 of 602
Quote:
Originally Posted by smeisnotapirate View Post
Check my sig.

I'm in total shock. Send sticky vibes!





That was fast!
post #430 of 602
wow, Leone- all I can do is send you big hugs. . . I would not want to be married to Me is all I can say at the moment. You are welcome to hang out with us!

I think- If I may shamelessly gender-stereotype for a moment here- that women are more likely to be willing to try to understand themselves than men. I think in our society it's been ok for men to say 'this is who I am so go suck it', and women have been expected to accomadate/excuse themselves, so we are the ones likely to go looking for answers in an introspective fashion, know what I mean?


mamabohl, I have to at your going to Busch gardens! Oh the things that suddenly become priorities when you're largely preggo!


Hi Alyse! how are you and the babe? (and the hubby, and E?)
post #431 of 602
Hey there Sunshadow!


Quote:
Originally Posted by smeisnotapirate View Post
Check my sig.

I'm in total shock. Send sticky vibes!
Woo hoo! Congratulations.

Leone, it's small consolation, but even though your dh shot down your suggestion, you did plant a seed. In the safety and acceptance that his wife can provide he might mull over the idea and eventually come to the conclusion himself that there is merit to this 'diagnosis'. And that's where the most effective growth can happen, when he is motivated himself.

He may have a lot of resentment and fear associated with the idea of therapy. It may be frustrating, but his feelings need to be respected while he gets a little education about how helpful good therapy can be. That therapist may or may not have been a 'quack', but an experienced therapist can make a world of difference.

Quote:
I do my best to accommodate his needs but I get really frustrated sometimes and I can feel/see he does too but he usually ends up blaming me instead.
Can you give an example of what he's blamed you for?

I've noticed the same gender difference that Heidi mentioned between my dh and me. In any given conflict I generally look inward and try to fix myself, while dh will look outward and blame someone else. And we both can be correctly assessing the situation. I do a lot more self contemplation than dh does.
post #432 of 602
" heidirk- wow, Leone- all I can do is send you big hugs. . . I would not want to be married to Me is all I can say at the moment. You are welcome to hang out with us! "

I had to LOL at this...I love him to death but he drives me bonkers most of the time. I think your statement regarding the thought process of men "'this is who I am so go suck it'" is quite on target! I have never seen a support forum for men with ADD and how to help themselves, so I believe you are right. But, that just brings me back to square one.

journeymom- That's exactly what I mean. He will find a way to blame me in any given situation (he lost something, again...we were late somewhere, again...etc) whereas I generally look into myself for the mistakes which ends up with me feeling like crap because I blame myself, and so does he. I guess this is more of a 'men are from mars., women are from venus' sort of thing rather than ADD?

He does have a lot of resentment for therapy, he hated going as a child (what child wouldn't) and has said he would lie to her and tell her the things he thought she wanted to hear because he 'was bored'. I have brought up therapy before and he has been to the free ones on base but he feels the same. He doesn't care or work at it, so it doesn't work. He would rather use me as his therapist but I find it very, very hard to get him to open up sometimes.

I don't want to change him, but we have only been married a year and I don't want to end up resenting him or visa versa somewhere down the line because I just can't handle it anymore, or he feels I never understood him. Does any of this make sense?
post #433 of 602
Thread Starter 
Leone, totally. My (non ADD) DH is the same way. I had to release it. It's his defense mechanism to blame everyone else but him (took me 2 years of marriage to realize that one), but he really does care and knows it's not everyone else's fault.

It's ok to want to change him. Really. But you need to want to change him in the same way he wants to change himself. And that's the hard part. Being supportive in wanting to change him - not manipulative.

Guys also need concrete things. One at a time. I find that if there's something DH isn't doing that I feel he really needs to do, I have to stay on top of it and ask for it. Like the FREAKIN' kitty litter. I can't just say - "DH, now that I'm pg, I can't do kitty litter any more." because to him it means "I'm footing this chore off on you" and I get "So?" :

It has to go like this:

ME: DH, will you do the kitty litter for me?
DH: Why can't you do it? I'm doing 45 million other things.......... (rant)
ME: I'm pregnant and not supposed to do it, so it would REALLY help if you do it. Is there something else I can do instead?
DH: Can you fold that laundry over there?
ME: OK (and IMMEDIATELY go do what he asked).

Without the offer to take on something else and having it done immediately, that kitty litter will skank up our house til Judgement Day.

Guys just need things really step-by-step, and I've found if I accept a little whiny b!tching, things get done faster and we fight less. I used to try to make him not whine, and it was a disaster.

I'd give up on the therapy, honestly. He obviously doesn't want it to help, so even if you get him to go he'll resent it.
post #434 of 602
smeisnotapirate- Interesting name btw! I can definitely see that working, he tries to bargain with me all day long "If you make me coffee i'll finish the dishes :-D " I guess I will give up on the therapy for now, it's more for me than him I think anyway.
post #435 of 602
hehheh. . .I think I do the same thing with my DH.

Unfortunately I'm also constantly bargaining with a three year old, and it's hard to keep the two of them separate. I do end up being angry at DS1 for things DH does, and later treating DH like a three year old because I've been doing it all day with my son. I know that that's my problem. Smee- I wish I could trust that DH does care. . .I might be liable to cut him some slack in that case.

Agh, bleh.


On a lighter note, I did a mad clean this week, and the house is lookin' kinda tidy! : I also have been escaping to knitting circle once a week, and have started a wool soaker for ds2!!! It's green, I love green.

And my garden is going well, and the laundry is under control, and I've been making nice dinners. . . : Things feel easy and right, right now, I wish I could bottle this for when things feel impossible.

Now that the computer is up and running, I have a class scheduled to start Aug 3rd (the day after my birthday) and it only requires ONE book!!!!! I think I can handle that. Although, more and more, I feel like I need to go to REAL school, and right on the heels of that comes COMPLETE TERROR! I really want to study sociology. Really, really. Sigh. . . If I had any idea whatsoever of how to go about being a Momma and going to school, I'd give it a shot. I just have this (massive) self-doubt that whispers, 'you can barely keep the house clean as is- how do you expect to manage a full course load of real classes?' (crap, crap, somehow I lost my light note. . .sorry!)
post #436 of 602
Heidi, Oh wow, real school? I think you're nuts.

I have a book about ADD and nutrition, I wonder if that's a way you could help? Hey, would someone cook non-crazy-making meals for me? :

There was more I thought of as reading over, but with both girls asleep, I better sleep. Yeah, DH is gone, I got them down by myself. Okay, as if thousands of people don't do that all the time. But, with E, I'd just read or whatever until she conked out.

Oh yeah will post title later. :doh
post #437 of 602
I LOL'd at "this is who i am so go suck it!" Definitely a man thing.

Ok, I'm 39 weeks, 2 days pregnant, just found out yesterday MIL will NOT be flying in Sunday because her health problems have gotten really bad and she has to go in for surgery next monday, and the kids woke up with red, goopy eyes this morning. Um....:

So I'm really worried about MIL and sad we won't get to see her (she is hoping to change her ticket for sometime in September though). I'm also freaking out because she was going to be with the boys at the hospital during labor, they were going to step out for the actual birth cuz the boys didn't want to see that. Now i have no idea what to do with them. I really don't have any friends I can ask. I can't bring them to the hospital unless they have an adult besides dh with them. I'm thinking maybe i can hire a doula to do that...but so last minute!? Oh, and i only have 2 meals in the freezer...MIL was going to be here for three weeks cooking for us.

UG.

Heidi I thought online school actually had more work than real school. That's what I've heard from people who do both.
post #438 of 602
Maggirayne- Good for you! I know that was one of the hardest parts for me, how to get big guy down for his nap when tiny one was awake, and vice versa. But I hardly have to think about it anymore- it's second nature- and so last night when I came home form knitting circle, I found everyone still up (which I expected, no problem) but DH says, "I don't know how you do it! Twice I almost had them down, and the first time, H rolled over and started talking and woke up M and later, M started crying and woke up H who was almost asleep!" I told him I was proud of him for even attempting it! How long will your DH be away?


Mamabohl- Oy, I'm so sorry about your MIL, that kind of thing really makes me panic. Sort of the same thing happened with my IL's this time expect they waited to tell us until after I gave birth! :

I'm sure you could find a doula to help out!
post #439 of 602
Oh my word, eek! I'm sorry, Mamabohl! I wish I was close enough to help!

He's home tonight, thankfully.

Yeah, so I got them down and stayed up late reading about Reverse swaps. Uh-oh!

The book is The A.D.D. Nutrition Solution but I don't have the 30-day plan. But on Amazon, that one is cheaper than the one I have. I never got around to trying it. So no idea if it *works*.
post #440 of 602
well, I noticed that I crave fats. Lots of different kinds, not just lots in quantity. I wonder if there's an Omega 3 connection there? I started supplementing with that during my pg this last time, and I have avoided PPD and any really bad anxiety so far, so I think it helps.
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