to christians: should i honor a husband who acts dishonorable? - Page 2

[TzippityDoulah]

I udnerstand you're in a tough spot. it's easy for us to say "this is what I would do" because we are not in your shoes.

about your kid's step mother - ouch! I would be SO upset over that. it would be onething if that's a parental decision you and your husband came to between yourselves, but a step mother should never be taking those kinda decisions into her own hands!

but... again... I totally understand how your hands are tied to some degree. *sigh* damned if you do and damned if you don't kinda moments.

all I can say is to get on your knees and pray out to God. He knows what is going on. and He knows better than any of us what the right thing is for you all to do. and I sill send up a prayer for you too

[lilmom]

Hugs Mama. I just wanted to let you know a few things. First of all I was once in your position, minus the kids. My DH is my 2nd husband. I have been a Christian for almost my whole life. When I was younger I married a man who was very abusive, and in many ways similar to your H. I desperately did not want to get a divorce since it was quite frowned upon by the people around me, in church, my family, friends, etc. So here is what I did.

I got on my knees and prayed for God to give me a sign. Just some kind of dream or sign to let me know. And I also started reading my Bible daily on the topic of marriage and divorce. And I realized that while God does hate divorce, he hates it FOR us. He does not hate US for doing it, if we are doing it because of truly dishonorable behavior. IMO, your H is not fulfilling his duties as a Godly husband. He is also disrespecting and abusing you and your children. It is your responsibility to protect yourself and your children. (Who I believe are actually God's children he has given you to care for..)

So anyway, in my case, I did receive a dream. I dreamt that my XH and I were bound together, and were floating down a very stormy river. We were both drowning and the only way we could survive was if we untied the rope. Some people might say this was just a dream, but I know it was God telling me to leave. And I did. I also read the book "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft. It is an excellent book that can really help you see the mind of the angry man.

I tried counseling, I tried prayer, I tried fasting, I tried reasoning with XH. I tried everything I knew to do and it did not work. IMO, you are just about at that point. I think the best you can do is to pray, and let God lead you. But do not worry about what other Christians or people in the church may say to you. This is your life. This is your children's life. And you only get one.

and of course, my story has a wonderfully happy ending, because I met a wonderful man who had never been married but did not care that I had been divorced. And we are very happily married and have an amazing son together.

Please don't miss out on the joy God wants for you and your children.
Please don't throw your pearls before swine.
Pray, pray, pray my friend. You are not alone. God has a plan.

[lilyka]

lilmom, thank you for sharing your story.

[hquest_98]

It sounds like your husband is quite abusive and has some major problems with self-esteem, anger management, and respect. As to whether you should leave him or not is totally up to you. But, you need to think of what type of decision is best for your children and what is best for you as a mother. Can you afford to keep up this toxic marriage or do you want to stick it out and see if he will go through marriage counseling. Based on what you've told us about him, he does not sound like the type of husband that would be open to that sort of thing.

In the Bible, it also says that husbands should RESPECT their wives. It sounds like he definitely does not respect you. You are a mother and deserve much better.

[Talula Fairie]

Trial separation followed by divorce if he doesn't change. That's what I would do.

[Following the sun]

Originally Posted by lilmom

So anyway, in my case, I did receive a dream. I dreamt that my XH and I were bound together, and were floating down a very stormy river. We were both drowning and the only way we could survive was if we untied the rope.

Please don't miss out on the joy God wants for you and your children.
Please don't throw your pearls before swine.
Pray, pray, pray my friend. You are not alone. God has a plan.

Sorry for taking so long to reply, things have crazy and i have been overwhelmed. That is a very powerful dream, thank you for sharing t. I too have had dreams like that, i miss those days. I used to have such a connection to god, now sometimes i think that maybe i made it all up, or maybe i didn't, I dunno. I stopped going to church, maybe i should start again.

I see the wisdom of not casting my pearls in front of swine, i have done that a lot and have been made to feel stupid for sharing my thoughts, wisdoms, values or insights. That diminished me as a person, i have to grow from the wounds from that. I will try not to do that anymore.

my husband is out of the house, gone. we are supposed to be working things out, but he has not even registered for counseling. It is super hard here because i have been left without transportation and with a ton of bills, and we also are going to have to move.

for the first little while he was gone, i was feeling like i was getting myself back and was happier, so were the children. But now, i have such a lack of money and choices that i am severly depressed. I am trying however.

He is supposed to change, i am not sure if he will, he has promised to, i am still waiting. He is not here to yell at me in front of the kids, but he still does on the phone, or he ignores my questions for days.

But yep, a trial separation it is. I think as soon as i have a car and have money to move, i will feel more powerful again.

Thanks for caring

[lilmom]

Originally Posted by Following the sun

Sorry for taking so long to reply, things have crazy and i have been overwhelmed. That is a very powerful dream, thank you for sharing t. I too have had dreams like that, i miss those days. I used to have such a connection to god, now sometimes i think that maybe i made it all up, or maybe i didn't, I dunno. I stopped going to church, maybe i should start again.

I see the wisdom of not casting my pearls in front of swine, i have done that a lot and have been made to feel stupid for sharing my thoughts, wisdoms, values or insights. That diminished me as a person, i have to grow from the wounds from that. I will try not to do that anymore.

my husband is out of the house, gone. we are supposed to be working things out, but he has not even registered for counseling. It is super hard here because i have been left without transportation and with a ton of bills, and we also are going to have to move.

for the first little while he was gone, i was feeling like i was getting myself back and was happier, so were the children. But now, i have such a lack of money and choices that i am severly depressed. I am trying however.

He is supposed to change, i am not sure if he will, he has promised to, i am still waiting. He is not here to yell at me in front of the kids, but he still does on the phone, or he ignores my questions for days.

But yep, a trial separation it is. I think as soon as i have a car and have money to move, i will feel more powerful again.

Thanks for caring

I can see why you are overwhelmed. You have alot on your plate. Are you getting any counselling or support from family/friends?? I think that is extremely important, especially if you are severely depressed.

Are you going to get a car at some point? Are you working, or depending on him to get you one?

Please take care of yourself and your babies. I know every day probably feels like you have at least one foot in quicksand..at least it always did for me when I was in a marriage such as yours. I think it is good you are having a trial separation. Please keep on praying and try to get some help for yourself. You and your kids deserve it. Hang in there.

[DocsNemesis]

I just had to reply. I can totally understand how you feel!

Let me preface this by saying I'm not religious. Not to say I dont believe in a God of some sort, but I'm definately not Christian.

In any case, I really felt like I was reading my own story! Well, of course with some variation but still! My ex also has a lot of mental health problems, but he has seen many psychologists/psychiatrists for it and is on meds. We also have 3 children together (my eldest isnt biologically his; he was an oops, but he was a father to him from the time he was 18 months old).

Much like you, many of the bills used to be in my name. He didnt pay them, stuff got shut off, and then he used his name to get the things he wanted back. He worked off and on, we'd go months with no income, which was rather scary. He also went years without working, so I'm not going to lie, that was an improvement. However, I found that even once he had a good paying job, bills still didnt get paid, I rarely saw any of the money, and all the promises I was repeatedly given never happened. He didnt help with the house or the kids and like you, I couldnt leave them longer than an hour, if that. Now, I understood when he was working, I had no problem taking care of the house when that was going on. But when he'd be home and not lifting a finger-even after I had HELLP syndrome and had a cesarean-that to me, was unacceptable.

We've broken up and gotten back together many times. We were trying to work through things when he harassed me to no end until I finally caved and agreed to another child before I was ready (the one that I had a cesarean with). To me, anyone who truely loves their wife and really wants to work on a relationship, would NEVER push someone into having a CHILD. I mean...this isnt a kitten, its a PERSON. In any case, it kind of spoke to me as time went on, especially as I started getting blamed for more and more of our issues. It went so far that I was told the reason I couldnt spend any money was because "you didnt spend it fast enough...." I mean really. And of course, there was the fact that he never got a minivan or anything like that, meaning I couldnt go anywhere-there wasnt enough seats in the car.

Anyway! The point is, I tried and tried to work stuff out. I tried to put all that past me. And had he actually really attempted to change, I think it was possible that I could love him again (by the time I had my last child, any love that was there was completely gone) or, at least, lived with him and kept my family together. But, well, he didnt. I gave him YEARS to change, over and over, and nothing happened. I finally said enough and got divorced a few months ago. Now I'm with a man that I love more than anything and does everything for me-or with me. A man that does dishes!

I'm not trying to say this will happen with you. This is just the begining for you. Let him try to change, I really hope he does! Remember that it can take some time, but at the same time, it cannot take forever. I dont know what your threshold will be-but I went through homelessness, having no money, no car, trying to go to school and work to support him while he didnt work...I like to think my threshold was pretty high! I know its hard, I know that people CAN change, but also know that you can make it on your own as well.

Oh also, I agree that when you're in your current situation, you feel pretty helpless, but it WILL get better. Once you have income, get a car, etc, well...everything changes. Like I said, its only been 3 months for me and I'm happy as can be. Still worried about money, but I'm so happy I finally got out.

Good luck and keep us updated on what happens! *hugs*

[homewithtwinsmama]

Originally Posted by Following the sun

Thanks to all you wonderful women who have taken the time to talk to me. I appreciate that very much, especially being that i am rather isolated.

You all said wise things. I am trying to find honor some of the honorable things he has about him. It is a little difficult to let that flow happen because life with him is like walking on eggshells. It is hard for things to develop and grow in a positive way in that type of environment. But your suggestion is in my heart waiting to bloom.

I agree that i should be handeling the money. He has not paid the rent this month either. I jsut found that out. He most often cashes his cheques and keeps all the cash in his pocket. Sometimes he gives me a little for groceries, and I mean, a little. He is very bad with his money, our money. I suggested i look after it and he will not let me. I am not even sure exactly how much he makes. I know that anything worth anything, my name is not put on, and all the depts bear my name.

Yes, he has sin and deep hurts inside that he needs to deal with. He has been put on medications for depression but will not take them longer than 2 weeks, so there is no result. He then tells me it is my fault he needs the meds. He has a long history of unstability before me, if anything, my influence has increased his functionality.

I want to volunteer at church for the children's ministry and asked him to come with me, wow, i should not have done that because he got very angry. Told me that he is NOT going to church twice a week and to not force things on him. He has been falling asleep in church and checking out other women, he thnks i do not notice, but i surely do.

These business cards are still here, i have not put them up, but i am going to.

Yesterday he freaked out on my handicapped child because he did not hear her right. He does that a lot. he has not planted a healthy relationship with her and is angry with her a lot of the time.

He did apologise for his temper tantrums yesterday. He said there were things he had to work on. But he never, ever does anything to help himself. we just always have to pay for it.

I really wish we could grow together, but i am only able to express myself maybe 20% in this relationship, the rest i have to guard because he misinterprets and over reactes, or plain does not listen.

So. honoring, yeah, that would be fruitful, but gosh, he does not even respect me.

I hav ebeen trying to figure out how to leave. I have no where to go. he keeps the van ill repair (and in his name only) so i cannot go far, he does not take care of the kids for more than an hour, and even then, i am met with him being annoyed. I have no where to go, no money. So i am really stuck.

All this does not mean that i cannot start planting. I have to devote more time to developing supportive friendships, hiding money, making plans. At best, i will not have to use it for escape, at worst, at least i will be able to get away and be able to care for my children.

I have been a stay at home, sleep sharing, cloth diapering, breastfeeding, cooking from scratch mom, but i think i might have to change some of that, and try to get a job. I have no resources. I cannot depend on a man. Unfortunately, this is a lesson my children have had to learn too.

I have been thinking of asking this really great family at church to be a surrogate for my kids, so they can see what a good marriage is. I just cannot show them. many men do nto want a woman who has a handicapped child, and sometimes the ones who do,just do not have what it takes to care for achild like that.

What are my choices really?

We are on the list for counseling, so we are waiting. When we do go, i am certain he will not be honest. He is not even honest we me or himself.

You are in a controlling and abusive marriage. I would not wait for counseling. I would get out, go to a shelter (call a taxi if you have to) get a separation agreement, an emergency order for child support and spousal support and then tell him that if he committed to pastoral and marriage counseling and earned back your love and trust by his recommitting to HIS biblically commanded job as husband, then you will cancel the separation and bring the family back together. If not a shelter then tell your pastor that you and your children have to get away from him and ask for his help in that. I always see huge red flags when mamas have to beg for money, have no access to or allowed knowledge of the money and are having their credit trashed such that they couldn't escape if they wanted to. You are NOT in a safe position right now and your children deserve far better. I am not saying don't work on it at all, but I am saying live separately while doing so. You do have choices. To stay and let you and your children be abused and their souls changed forever or take steps to save you and them and possibly your husband as well.