My dh wants to tell our son that having to take the dog back is his fault!!!

[Zach'smom]

Our cat died back in September. Ds has had a really hard time getting over it. He and the cat were very close. So I decided that we should get a dog. Dh was all excited about it and decided we should get a german shepherd. We ended up getting one from a rescue. This dog has been living in a kennel for about a year. That was our first big mistake. He was never really socialized and has a problem with submissive and excitement urination. The dog is showing some aggression toward my 7 yo ds. Ds is a standard 7 yo boy. He is impulsive and loud and always on the move and doesn't always listen very well. We have had a trainer out to our house. We have to approach the dog a certain way and only pet it in certain places and there are just so many rules about what you can a can't do with the dog. Ds wants to run around and play with the dog and lay on the dog and pet it's head. None of which you can do. The other day the dog bit me while trying to get a chunk of wood back. I am worried that the dog is going to get ahold of one of ds's toys and ds or one of his friends is going to try to grab it back and get bit. Then yesterday when the dog was in his crate ds walked by and the dog was barking, growling and lunging at ds. I spoke to the dog trainer on the phone. He felt we should take the dog back. He felt the rescue made a mistake giving the dog to a family with children under 1

Needless to say we are returning the dog. I think dh and I made a mistake by bringing this dog home. DH thinks it is ds's fault. Stating that ds doesn't listen and just doesn't treat animals right. He wants to tell ds it is his fault we have to return the dog. I think that the rescue shouldn't have adopted the dog to us in the first place. Dh and I should have also known better. I know dh is angry and frustrated. We have spent a lot of money on adoptions fees, vet bills, food and all the stuff that a dog needs. Help me convince him that blaming my son for this huge mistake is a REALLY BAD IDEA.

[LynnS6]

It's not your son's fault and your dh needs to get over it! Your son is being a kid, and a 'typical' dog would be able to adjust. Your dh telling your son this isn't going to make your son less 7, less active or less a kid.

I would approach it as "this dog isn't right for our family right now. He really needs to be in a home where there are only grown-ups, since he's never been socialized to be around kids or families."

[ChetMC]

I'm all for letting kids know when they've played a role in something. However, I'm also for telling kids the truth, and the truth is that the dog was not a good fit for your family.

I expect that your DH needs some cooling off time. If he's normally a reasonable man I'm sure he'll recognize that your son was behaving like a typical kid his age, it's not his fault and the dog is a risk. I wouldn't ask your DH to change his opinion, only to agree that you should be the one to talk to your DS about it. DH can think what he wants while he's calming down, and you'll be the one to break the news to DS. Like I said, I'm sure your DH will come around in the end.

I wouldn't blame the animal shelter. They do their best, but they can't know every animal inside out with the short time they have them there, know your kids and your family. This is really unfortunate, but I don't think you can lay the blame at any single person or organization.

[Mamafreya]

Originally Posted by Zach'smom

Our cat died back in September. Ds has had a really hard time getting over it. He and the cat were very close. So I decided that we should get a dog. Dh was all excited about it and decided we should get a german shepherd. We ended up getting one from a rescue. This dog has been living in a kennel for about a year. That was our first big mistake. He was never really socialized and has a problem with submissive and excitement urination. The dog is showing some aggression toward my 7 yo ds. Ds is a standard 7 yo boy. He is impulsive and loud and always on the move and doesn't always listen very well. We have had a trainer out to our house. We have to approach the dog a certain way and only pet it in certain places and there are just so many rules about what you can a can't do with the dog. Ds wants to run around and play with the dog and lay on the dog and pet it's head. None of which you can do. The other day the dog bit me while trying to get a chunk of wood back. I am worried that the dog is going to get ahold of one of ds's toys and ds or one of his friends is going to try to grab it back and get bit. Then yesterday when the dog was in his crate ds walked by and the dog was barking, growling and lunging at ds. I spoke to the dog trainer on the phone. He felt we should take the dog back. He felt the rescue made a mistake giving the dog to a family with children under 1

Needless to say we are returning the dog. I think ds and I made a mistake by bringing this dog home. DH thinks it is ds's fault. Stating that ds doesn't listen and just doesn't treat animals right. He wants to tell ds it is his fault we have to return the dog. I think that the rescue shouldn't have adopted the dog to us in the first place. Dh and I should have also known better. I know dh is angry and frustrated. We have spent a lot of money on adoptions fees, vet bills, food and all the stuff that a dog needs. Help me convince him that blaming my son for this huge mistake is a REALLY BAD IDEA.

Your son is only 7!!! This is not his fault at all. In fact I don't think that this is anyone's fault. Please don't let your dh tell your son that this is his fault, your son should be allowed to be a child in his own home. You and your dh are the adults who are responsible for what you bring into your home. This dog is just not suited to children and it's good that you found out now before anyone got hurt. What would be accomplished by blaming your son other than to make him feel like crap for being a child?

[AkRotts]

Originally Posted by LynnS6

It's not your son's fault and your dh needs to get over it! Your son is being a kid, and a 'typical' dog would be able to adjust. Your dh telling your son this isn't going to make your son less 7, less active or less a kid.

I would approach it as "this dog isn't right for our family right now. He really needs to be in a home where there are only grown-ups, since he's never been socialized to be around kids or families."

I totally agree with the PP. It is NOT your son's fault. It sounds like the rescue made a mistake in placing the dog with you. It happens sometimes. The best thing for both the dog and your family is to return him.

[limabean]

What would your DH be trying to achieve by telling your son that it's his fault (which it's NOT)? Because I can't imagine any answer to that question besides, "I want to shame him and make him feel bad because I'm angry." Clearly, that's not okay and your DH needs to keep his feelings to himself.

I'm sorry it didn't work out with this pet. Selecting a pet to bring into your family is a huge decision -- I'm sure you guys will make a better choice next time.

[TinkerBelle]

Your husband is wrong. While I certainly agree that children need to learn to listen, the child is only 7. He is still learning. And really, who died and made your DH perfect?

It is not your son's fault that the dog doesn't seem to like children. You are doing the right thing. The dog is just an animal. If he was mistreated before you got him, then there might be a chance that the dog could hurt your children or a friend and then where would you be? You would end up with a hurt child and possibly sued.

[prothyraia]

It really doesn't have anything to do with your son not listening. Even if you son listened PERFECTLY and followed all the rules- the dog still bit *you* over a piece of wood, and your son's friends aren't going to have time to learn all the nuances of how to interact with this dog.

When your DH has calmed down a little, maybe you could put it to him that way?

[rere]

It is absolutely not your son's fault.We had a German Shepard when I was a kid.That dog took it all and loved it.I used to try to ride that dog and he would just lay down and lick me.My brother used him as a foot rest and the dog would just snuggle up closer.When my sister was born he didn't leave her side and slept under the crib when she was in it.The only time that dog ever showed aggression was when a strange man came to the door and started yelling at me.

What I'm trying to say is our dog was a good fit for our family.Yours is not.Your husband knew who his son was before choosing the dog.He knew your son's behaviors so he should have made sure to find a dog that fit in.

I'm not saying that you shouldn't teach children to be kind and respectful to animals but the situation you describe is not the fault of your son.

[TinkerBelle]

Originally Posted by prothyraia

It really doesn't have anything to do with your son not listening. Even if you son listened PERFECTLY and followed all the rules- the dog still bit *you* over a piece of wood, and your son's friends aren't going to have time to learn all the nuances of how to interact with this dog.

When your DH has calmed down a little, maybe you could put it to him that way?

Yes, this.

I may not have been clear in my post. I didn't mean to say that your son and his listening, or lack thereof, was in any way the reason the dog acts the way he does. Not at all.

[Softmama]

we recently went through the exact same thing. PLEASE do not let dh tell ds it is his fault. It will be devastating enough for him. We had to take our dog back after 5 weeks (due to escalating aggression). My 7yo cried for hours. I felt so bad for him. And I felt guilty. But it was definitely the right thing to do and the dog has been readopted out to a family with no kids and is doing really well. Best for us, best for the dog. But all three of my kids still talk about that dog (a year later) with some wistfulness. Don't compound that by shaming and blaming.

[fairymom]

I didn't read all the other posts but I wanted to say I'm sorry this is happening to you and your son, I feel really bad for ur ds. It will be hard enough on him to loose a 2nd animal so soon. I agree its not his fault at all and if my dh wanted to blame this on my ds than I would go mama bear on Him (have heard this before here and just fits now- hope I don't offend anyone by using it!). I would tell him if he did that the damage he'll do to him would be unforgiveable and I would honestly rethink how he felt about us as a family.That as a dad he is sopposed to protect and not do harm to his own. I know this may be harsh but what he wants to do to your ds is just as bad if not worse!

I send hugs to you and ur ds!

[Ruthla]

No, it is NOT your child's fault! This dog is a bad fit for your family, plain and simple.

Your 7yo was simply acting like a 7yo. If he was intentionally mistreating the dog, doing things "he knew better than to do", then you might be able to say it's "his fault" the dog needs to be rehomed. But that's not the case here.

[iamama]

Giving the dog back is hard enough. Shaming and blaming will leave lasting scars don't do it.

[BoringTales]

Your son is young. Honestly, its not HIS fault that he's not listening and following instructions in regards to the dog. That's the parent's job to ensure proper behavior from their kids.

I also agree with you, the dog probably should've never been placed with you.

[chfriend]

It's not your ds's fault and, on some level, your dh knows that. It sounds like your ds is not the only one who had trouble getting over the cat's death.


I'll bet your dh already loves that dog and is hurting over needing to return him to the shelter.

[Cherie2]

I would ask him why he wants to tell ds that. What is the outcome he hopes to achieve? - then go from there and help dh find a way to meet that goal without shaming ds and making him feel responsible for something that is not his fault

[vegemamato]

Originally Posted by BoringTales

Your son is young. Honestly, its not HIS fault that he's not listening and following instructions in regards to the dog. That's the parent's job to ensure proper behavior from their kids.

I also agree with you, the dog probably should've never been placed with you.

just want to clarify..

are you blaming the mom and dad for their son acting like a typical seven-year-old? Because while it's important to, as parents, teach our children how to respect and behave appropriately toward animals (and people!) I don't feel that anyone should be blamed for a child not remembering/paying attention to the 'rules'.

and no, the dog should not have been placed with a child-oriented family. My in-laws have an adopted german shepard also who sounds very similar. we love the dog but I am terrified to have the kids anywhere near her. We haven't visited for a long time..

I'm sorry you are dealing with this.. and please don't let your husband make this any harder for your poor boy than it already is.

Hope everything works out

[Evan&Anna's_Mom]

Agreed that this is absolutely not your child's fault. In terms of your DH, can you take the focus away from child entirely? If the dog bit YOU, you cannot keep him because he might bite others, especially guests. Regardless of age, but especially a risk to children guests. Who you will probably want to have lots of over the years. Better to return the dog to the rescue to be re-homed than have some parent of a bitten child demand the dog be put down. And honestly, I think those are the two scenarios you are faced with. Dog gets new, better-for-him home or dog is destroyed because he bites the wrong person. Your child doesn't actually figure in that equation at all.

[mistymama]

What is your dh's goal in telling ds that returning the dog is his fault? What does he think that will accomplish?

Most certainly this is not your son's fault. It sounds like the dog has aggressive tendencies and isn't a good fit for a house with children. It happens. How on earth is that your son's fault?

We have a new puppy, he's been with us just over 6 weeks. I have to keep reminding ds how to hold him & play gently. They are becoming good friends, but ds has to be reminded a gazillion times how to handle and treat the puppy.

I would have a serious talk with your dh, maybe he's hurt that you are going to have to return the dog. But show him this thread and let him know your ds's behavior is very age appropriate and normal ... none of this is his fault and he should not be shamed or made to feel guilty.

There are plenty of dogs that would LOVE your son laying on them, playing with him. You just didn't get the right fit this time. Our dog love to jump on ds's back, then ds tries to roll over on him and the dog jumps off and runs in circles around ds. It's adorable. Not all dogs will have a problem playing the way your son plays.