My dh wants to tell our son that having to take the dog back is his fault!!! - Page 3

[Zach'smom]

[QUOTE=SweetPotato;13179801]Wow. Your poor kid When we were looking for a dog, about 5 years before dd was born, but knowing that we would have at least one child during that dog's lifetime we wre EXTREMELY careful with temperament testing each dog to see which would be able to handle regular kid activity. This might not be the case in your home, but I've known several families who wanted dogs, and they got their minds set on a certain breed based on appearance or soemthing- then they just adopted or bought a dog of that breed that was available--- with no serious temperament testing of the individual animal. It's the job of the rescue placement people and of the adults in the family to make sure that an individual dog'd temperament is well-suited for the intended family. Obviously that's not the case here-- and of EVERYONE who could be at fault, your son is not one.[/QUOTE

i am ashamed to admit it, but that is what happened here. I finally decided that a dog would be a good idea. I have always been a cat person. Dh was thrilled. He decided that HE wanted a black german shepherd. Never stopped to think what would be a good fit for ds. He found a beautiful black german shepherd on petfinder. We filled out the application, saw the dog for about 20 minutes and took him home. Dh, myself and the the guy that runs the rescue made a huge mistake. Not my son. Dh doesn't want another dog. He says he can't afford to keep returning dogs. That they all will react the same and it is because of ds. Frankly I don't want another dog. I am so stressed out over this. I almost threw up this morning. Dh seems more worried and interested in the dog we have had for 2 weeks then he does in me and ds.

[Tigerchild]

Has your DH always been like this? Or is this a really sudden flip in personality?

Honestly, I would call the rescue organization and explain what's going on, when your DH is not at home. You can even mention DH's attachment to the animal and how he wants to blame your child, even though you've insured that your kid and your dog are apart, you're trying to follow the guidelines, ect. Ask if they will come and take the dog, and most importantly, if they will come and explain to your DH why this dog was a really bad fit, and if they will work with you to find a better fit.

I hope your DH didn't lie about his dog experience or anything else to the rescue. Perhaps that's why he's so resistant about taking him back.

But to be really, really blunt...it sounds like you're the one caring for the dog during the day. The dog is getting aggressive with your child. Your DH is blind to this for whatever reason, and is only going to egg the dog on by tolerating that and loving on the dog and placing the dog in a higher emotional heirarchy. Normally I'm not a fan of unilateral action, but...

I would call the rescue. On my own. And I would tell my DH that while I would love to get a new dog, frankly he needs to earn my trust back--because I had lots of it at the beginning but his fixation on appearance to the point of willing to endanger his child and wife and remain in denial about an aggressive dog has destroyed it. If the rescue seems like a good group that just made a mistake, perhaps you can get on a waiting list, get to know the people, and really help them out by saying you'll wait for the right dog. Perhaps your DH can soothe himself by volunteering at an animal shelter and keeping an eye out for GSD there that the rescue might be interested in, or volunteering at the rescue, ect.

[Zach'smom]

Originally Posted by Tigerchild

Has your DH always been like this? Or is this a really sudden flip in personality?

Honestly, I would call the rescue organization and explain what's going on, when your DH is not at home. You can even mention DH's attachment to the animal and how he wants to blame your child, even though you've insured that your kid and your dog are apart, you're trying to follow the guidelines, ect. Ask if they will come and take the dog, and most importantly, if they will come and explain to your DH why this dog
was a really bad fit, and if they will work with you to find a better fit.

I hope your DH didn't lie about his dog experience or anything else to the rescue. Perhaps that's why he's so resistant about taking him back.

But to be really, really blunt...it sounds like you're the one caring for the dog during the day. The dog is getting aggressive with your child. Your DH is blind to this for whatever reason, and is only going to egg the dog on by tolerating that and loving on the dog and placing the dog in a higher emotional heirarchy. Normally I'm not a fan of unilateral action, but...

I would call the rescue. On my own. And I would tell my DH that while I would love to get a new dog, frankly he needs to earn my trust back--because I had lots of it at the beginning but his fixation on appearance to the point of willing to endanger his child and wife and remain in denial about an aggressive dog has destroyed it. If the rescue seems like a good group that just made a mistake, perhaps you can get on a waiting list, get to know the people, and really help them out by saying you'll wait for the right dog. Perhaps your DH can soothe himself by volunteering at an animal shelter and keeping an eye out for GSD there that the rescue might be interested in, or volunteering at the rescue, ect.

My dh is not usually like this. I can't figure out why he is so angry with me and ds about the dog. I already called the rescue. We have to return the dog to the rescue. I was going to take the dog while dh took ds to hockey on tommorrow, but dh has insisted that he will be the one to return the dog after hockey tomorrow.

We didn't lie about anything to the recue. I had to fill out a very long, in-depth form. I was very honest about our family, home and lifestyle. I was very specific about everything. They knew we have a standard 7 year old boy. they knew this was our first dog!!! I didn't want to end up in the situation we are currently in!!!!

[GuildJenn]

Originally Posted by Zach'smom

My dh is not usually like this. I can't figure out why he is so angry with me and ds about the dog. I already called the rescue. We have to return the dog to the rescue. I was going to take the dog while dh took ds to hockey on tommorrow, but dh has insisted that he will be the one to return the dog after hockey tomorrow.

We didn't lie about anything to the recue. I had to fill out a very long, in-depth form. I was very honest about our family, home and lifestyle. I was very specific about everything. They knew we have a standard 7 year old boy. they knew this was our first dog!!! I didn't want to end up in the situation we are currently in!!!!

After the dog is back and things have calmed down, I would talk to him about it. I can see how right now it's a hot topic and really hard for your family.

I'd emphasize that it is okay to make mistakes. I would also say to your husband that you need to regroup but that this isn't the end of his dream of dog ownership - it's just that for the good of your whole family you need to slow down and make more informed choices. You guys have learned a lot from this experience to apply to the next one.

Also, if he thinks returning dogs is expensive, it might not be a good time to get a dog. Dogs are pricey - food, vet bills, etc. And of course an injury to your son or to another child is expensive too. Remember that you will have kids over to visit and your dog will be in all kinds of situations with kids, so if "perfect" behaviour is require around that dog... it's probably not the right dog, period.

I think we all have the Lassie image in our heads, but having a dog is a lot more than that, especially when you add kids to the mix. You're making the right decision.

I think you should send this thread to the rescue too, so they can improve their processes.

[prothyraia]

Originally Posted by Zach'smom

My dh is not usually like this. I can't figure out why he is so angry with me and ds about the dog.

It sounds like he's just really attached to the dog, upset that it's not working out, and looking for someone to blame. It's understandable, really- but it is beyond unfair for him to take it out on his son.

I mean- if he didn't have a kid, or a wife, and didn't have to worry about other kids coming to visit, and had lots of time to devote to the animal, and wasn't too worried about getting bit himself, or about messes on his carpet, (so, essentially if his life was entirely different!) then he and this dog that he loves and wants to keep could be a great match! And you and your son are interfering with that by, you know, existing.

It sounds like he's just narrowed in on "I want a dog, I want this dog!" and isn't really thinking about broader priorities. People can be very childish when it comes to pets.

[Tigeresse]

Your dh is acting pretty immature about this. Maybe when this blows over you could get another kitty for your family.

[labdogs42]

Your DH should be blaming himself. German Shepherds are NOT a good breed for a family with young children. Especially not GS's that are under socialized. DH should have done more homework. Shepherds are bred to HERD, which means to chase and nip at moving sheep. They easily transfer this behavior to children. Sure, it can be managed in a household that is experience with these types of dogs, but I'm disappointed with your rescue for even placing this dog with you.

If you want a dog for DS to love and snuggle with, get him a Lab. Possibly from a rescue, or a well-bred puppy. Then you will be starting with a family friendly breed at least. Dogs are a LOT of work and teaching kids to live with dogs is also a lot of work. Your DH will need to take some responsibility for teaching your son to live with a dog. Kids aren't born knowing how to treat animals, they must be taught. Your DH has totally unreasonable expectations. Maybe finding a friend with a dog where you son could play with the dog and learn how to act around a dog would be a good idea. Then maybe think about getting your own dogs again.

Oh yeah, DH can't be allowed to tell your son that this is his fault. That is just wrong. The story should be, "it just wasn't the right dog for our family."

[leighann79]

Originally Posted by almama

For future reference, show your kids the videos at this site: http://www.livingwithkidsanddogs.com/. My guys saw them and finally "got" why hugging and kissing dogs is not cool. Even the most submissive dog is only tolerating a lot of stuff and it is good for kids to know.

What kind of player do you need to see these videos? I'd like to watch them since we will be getting a dog soon, but they won't play on my computer.

Never mind, I figured it out. I needed the Apple Quicktime. Got it and I'm sharing these videos with my kids.

[2cutiekitties]

I just want to say that GS is a great dog for a family ... IF.... you get them when they are puppies. THey are very very loving and loyal, and protective. I would get another cat. Can you imagine your ds with a cute kitten, omg, how cute.

I hate those online dog forms, they told us to get a Canaan which turned out to be the biggest disaster. Turns out the dog is more like a dalmation, very high needs. Those questionaires are crap.

[milkybean]

"That they all will react the same and it is because of ds."

Sigh.

You know, my BIL and his ex partner had a daschund that they adopted when he was fully grown. He had been abused by his previous owners and the children in the neighborhood (there was one child who was very scary...we moved to their neighborhood and this child scared me every time I saw him, and he was the dog abusing ringleader), and the ex partner pretty much stole him from the owners.

That dog was great for BIL and his partner. And for my husband, and any other man. But get the dog around a child or a high-voiced woman, and that dog tried to attack. I have a high voice and it became exhausting trying to keep my voice "down" so he didn't try to attack me, and once DS arrived we just stopped visiting altogether.


But other daschunds are fabulous! They don't all mind children or high-voiced people. And if I made the mistake of blaming me, or blaming my baby-son b/c that dog wanted to attack us, it would have been silly.


Something has happened in that dog's life that he's not dealing well with your son. But not all dogs are going to react like that. Poor hubby, to think that your son has caused the problems...he must be really stressed out.

I hope that this shelter won't hold it against your family; after all, you did the RIGHT thing by calling them. It's far better to realize that you need to find a new family for an animal, rather than to make everyone miserable by holding on...

[meemee]

you are not your dh's therapist.

but i strongly feel this is a childhood issue coming up - esp the way how dh made up his mind about getting the dog and then being so bonded to it that he refused to see the real picture and now doesnt want another dog to go thru the disappointment again.

i do agree this is not a good time to talk about this.

when do you plan to return the dog?

here is what i would do. if you still want to do it.

return the dog. secretly go online, check out breeders, go meet them and get a good pup with the breeders advice. i think GS go for around $750 or so. once your dh sees the puppy he is never going to say no. (we've tried that with my dad and kittens and he has never had the gall to say no after he met the kitten. in fact we would mostly use the excuse of fostering but it was my dad who would have a hard time letting go.)

there is no reason why either of you should not get a dog just coz its so painful for your dh.

GS are GREAT dogs!!!! great for children. i plan to get one when the time is right. nothing is greater than the gift of a good family pet. my friend's gs helped her kids to walk. the dog would walking slowly as the toddler clung to her fur.

plus more important than anything, there is just something very healing that a dog brings to a house. somehow exposes our vulnerability.

[SmoothieMom]

If your DS was so attached to the kitty, maybe you should have gotten another one? German shepherds scare me! and yours sounds out of control and needs to go back, it's not your DS's fault at all, stand up to your DH and tell him so.

[Girlo]

I don't have time to read through every response here.....but I just wanted to give my whole-hearted support to you.

It is NOT your son's fault that this dog needs to go back. It is absolutely the shelter's fault for allowing this particular dog to go to a home with a young child. There is NO way a 7yo should shoulder the majority of the responsibility for ANY animal in a family home. It's the responsibility of the parents....and the child helps. Your son sounds like a very normal little boy.....with normal expectations of a family dog. Our son treats our dog (rott/lab mix) the same way - wants to lay on her, boss her around, gets in her face, etc. If Greta doesn't like it, the only choice she has is to leave the room. She is NOT allowed to growl, etc. at him.

Shame on your DH for wanting to burden your son with this guilt. Hopefully you can trade this dog in at the shelter for a more appropriate (well-socialized dog who has a background living with young children) family pet.

[mtiger]

Originally Posted by Zach'smom

We didn't lie about anything to the recue. I had to fill out a very long, in-depth form. I was very honest about our family, home and lifestyle. I was very specific about everything. They knew we have a standard 7 year old boy. they knew this was our first dog!!! I didn't want to end up in the situation we are currently in!!!!

The rescues that I've been involved with (adopting from, screening potential families and fostering for) are much more rigorous than this. In addition to the application, they've required:

* an in-home visit with the entire family present,
* a lengthy meeting with the dog of interest with the entire family present,
* if other animals are in the household, a meeting between them with the entire family present,
* follow-ups at a week, two weeks, a month, six months, one year
* surprise home visits on occasion.

The last dog we adopted (who my kids already knew, as he had been their dog at their Dad's - long story), I had to drive 6+ hours (o/w) with both kids and both dogs, have them observe the kids and I with the dog, then each of ours (separately) with him, then all three dogs together before they would even consider allowing us to adopt him. The only reason we were allowed to do an out-of-state adoption and bypass their requirement for a home visit was because I'd already adopted from (and worked with) a local breed rescue that had done their own home visit and vouched for me.

When and if you decide to adopt another dog, use a different rescue - this one is obviously not a quality group.

[~pi]

Originally Posted by Hoopin' Mama

I think if your dh does this is could have lasting repercussions and cause very negative feelings even into adulthood.

:

My DH had a dog when he was little. His parents split when he was 8 and he was living with his dad while his mom looked for work. His dad had the dog put down and told 9 y.o. DH it was his fault for "not taking good enough care of the dog."

It really affected DH's feelings about his dad.

Originally Posted by Theoretica

Ummm if you've ever owned a cat, you'd know the household cat does all theistic nominations.

[MCR]

Originally Posted by Zach'smom

My dh is not usually like this. I can't figure out why he is so angry with me and ds about the dog. I already called the rescue. We have to return the dog to the rescue. I was going to take the dog while dh took ds to hockey on tommorrow, but dh has insisted that he will be the one to return the dog after hockey tomorrow.

We didn't lie about anything to the recue. I had to fill out a very long, in-depth form. I was very honest about our family, home and lifestyle. I was very specific about everything. They knew we have a standard 7 year old boy. they knew this was our first dog!!! I didn't want to end up in the situation we are currently in!!!!

Wow horrible situation, not a good fit for the family at all.
Your Dh is way over reacting, and wasn't thinking of best interest of the family only his desire for a German Shepard. My Dh has over reacted about things over the years and (mainly to do with his boats and cars ) I just tell him when he starts to go overboard, I hope you and your boat will be very happy together, the kids and I are not doing ............ That seems to be a quick reminder for him and brings him back to reality in a hurry.
I hope he really doesn't say anything to your Ds, even without kids the dog sounds like a horrible fit, way to many rules.

[Bellejar]

German Shepherds are not bred to be "kid friendly." You should do some more research and find a breed your husband likes that is. Really, they are very large aggressive dogs. (I know someone will say my german shepherd is so nice and be offended, but they are not bred for their niceness). Not a good choice with a seven year old.

[meemee]

true they are not bred to be kid friendly. BUT they CAN be kid friendly. they make great police dogs as well as GREAT guide dogs. they make good family dogs too. getting the right temperament pup along with the proper training i dont see why you cant have a great german shepherd as a family dog.

BUT if you are getting a dog from a shelter you HAVE to trust the shelter for the right guidance. seeing how strict they are where i am, i am amazed and shocked that they allowed such a dog to go home without a test run with the family.