How would you tell child about past marriage?

[TexasG]

My husband was married and divorced before we met. He was married about 5 years, and they had no children together. They have no communication and we live in a totally different state, so no "issues" of any kind. But, we want to be honest with our son (9 years old) about it, without making it a huge, sit down major serious "thing". I don't want to scare him in any way or make it seem like it is taken too lightly, but don't want him to find out from family or someone else besides us. Any suggestions you have would be great! Thanks in advance.

[New_Natural_Mom]

I don't see why you think it is such a big deal? Is it really important? Both of my parents were married to others before each other. My mom had my brother (8 years older than me) my father had no children. I don't remember how/when I found out - and I didn't really care other than being curious. They were married with no issues.

Why even bring it up right now? If you think it is important he know now, I would just bring it up in the course of an unrelated casual conversation. Just throw it in there and see what happens. Like, I wonder if your dad's first wife did that.

[RollerCoasterMama]

SOOO Many families have previous marriages involved. If your son is 9, he likely is familiar with the idea. Maybe let him see old pictures and bring up the subject naturally?

For our family, my husband has a previous marriage with out of state children he doesn't get to see...LONG story...anyway, we've included their pictures in his baby book so there's never a surprise reveal. This way, the fact is just out there his whole life. When we look at the baby book we say they're his brothers. We'll answer questions as they come up naturally (he's only two now). People in my family have done the same thing with adoptions. If you introduce the fact early enough, kids tend to just accept their reality as "normal". The bigger deal you make of it, the more it might upset him. But I guess if it was me, I'd tell him now rather than waiting until he was older.

Just my personal opinion of course!! Good luck!

[rere]

Sorry I don't have any advice on how to tell him but I do think you should tell him.I found out my father was married before from someone else and it was really weird.Divorce was not uncommon to me(including my parents divorce ) but I felt deceived that my father never told me about his previous marriages.

[just_lily]

My DF was also married before, no kids. I have never really thought about it. I definitely wouldn't hide it from my daughter, but I wouldn't make a point of telling her about it either. If it comes up, it comes up I guess.

I am sure there are some pictures of her kicking around the house someplace, as well as at my in-laws house, but we don't ever see her.

[ProtoLawyer]

My stepkid asked:

SD: "My mama and daddy were married but they aren't anymore."
Me: "That's right."
SD: "And you're gonna marry my daddy."
Me: "Yep."
SD: "Were you ever married before?"
Me: "Yes, I was."
SD: "What was your husband's name?"
Me: "(Name of one of her good friend's stepfathers--we're all friends now)"
SD: "Jade's DADDY?! You were married to JADE's DADDY!?!"

(pause)

SD: "Why did HE marry YOU?!!"


I guess I'd just answer when the question came up.

[MamaJenese]

i have nver htought about this. DH was married before. We mention his first wife here and there mostly because The cats we have were hers and when she left she left the cats (saying she was coming back for them in 6 months for them 7 years later they are still here). She lives out of state and they never speak. I guess I don't plan on formally telling the kids but it is not a secret either KWIM?

[vegemamato]

I agree that you should just mention it casually. I can understand why you would want to say something, just for the sake of honesty, but I think that you can approach it in a, uhh, neutral way (not that big of a deal)..

I don't think he'll be bothered much




::::: : :::: :: : :::: : ::: : :::
(smilies couresty of my four-year-old, picture when she was almost three)

[ChetMC]

Not A Secret

Originally Posted by MamaJenese

i have nver htought about this. DH was married before. We mention his first wife here and there mostly because The cats we have were hers and when she left she left the cats (saying she was coming back for them in 6 months for them 7 years later they are still here). She lives out of state and they never speak. I guess I don't plan on formally telling the kids but it is not a secret either KWIM?

This is what I think too. There are a million things our kids don't know about me or DH from before we were parents. We aren't keeping them a secret, they just haven't come up yet. If the topic of marriages, weddings, divorces or some particular story involving the ex-wife comes up you can use it as an opportunity for that part of your DH's past to surface.

[TexasG]

Thanks for all the replies and input. I agree that a casual way is best and like some of you said, I don't want it to seem like we were keeping it a secret or anything like that. Thanks again for all your help!

[hedgewitch]

I don't have experience in this area but I have a question. If your dh had lived with this woman but never been married would you feel you needed to mention it? I can understand the issue if there were children but I would perceive this as a past relationship, not something I would need to discuss with my kids.

I'm old fashioned though! I don't really think children have a 'right' to know everything about their parents. Also there are things that you can't really understand until you are an adult. If I were having a conversation about being married I might well mention it but I wouldn't construct a situation to bring it up.

[Burnindinner]

I'd bring it up casually at dinner or something. Like tell a story about "when I was married before" or something.

My aunt was married before she married my uncle (no kids from 1st marriage). The rest of us don't know if our cousins know, so it's sort of awkward.

In a "not really our business and now it seems like a huge secret" thing.

[aurora_skys]

First of all, thank you for telling him. My parents waited until I was a teenager to inform me that those two older kids who sometimes hung around the house were my half siblings from dads previous marriage. It was shocking and made me feel like a fool for having never questioned who they were (they just showed up sometimes, I guess I assumed they were cousins or something). Im not sure how you would put it to a nine yr old but my parents made it into a big dramatic "reveal" sort of thing and that just made it even harder for me to digest. I really just wanted to applaud you for going ahead and telling him. I think its much easier to accept if he's exposed to the concept from a young age.

[just_lily]

Originally Posted by aurora_skys

First of all, thank you for telling him. My parents waited until I was a teenager to inform me that those two older kids who sometimes hung around the house were my half siblings from dads previous marriage. It was shocking and made me feel like a fool for having never questioned who they were (they just showed up sometimes, I guess I assumed they were cousins or something). Im not sure how you would put it to a nine yr old but my parents made it into a big dramatic "reveal" sort of thing and that just made it even harder for me to digest. I really just wanted to applaud you for going ahead and telling him. I think its much easier to accept if he's exposed to the concept from a young age.

I am sorry that you had to go through that.

I definitely think that if there are children involved, it is a totally different situation. That IS a big deal, for sure.

But if it is a previous marriage where there aren't any kids, then I don't think a big deal should be made out of it. It shouldn't be a secret, but neither should it be made out to be a huge thing either.

[Tigerchild]

What makes you think he'll bring it up?

I don't understand...are you going to tell him about all your past relationships too?

It's one thing if there's children involved. But if not...I mean at 9 he's not interested in relationship or dating even, so I can't think of how you could 'naturally' bring that up.

Are you guys conservative religious? Now that I can see as more of a pressing issue, especially if your church doesn't sanction 2nd marriages or has a very strong 1 marriage teaching. I could definitely understand talking to your kids about your past mistakes in that context, in which case maybe it'd be a good idea to consult with your pastor/insert more appropriate title here, as to when would be a good time to bring it up?

I was married once before, so was DH. DH's ex has remarried, still lives in the same town as us, has kids that now go to our old preschool (not during the time our kids were there, though). So it's possible that they'll bump into each other I guess. My kids have not really asked about divorce yet, even though they have known kids whose parents split up (this was when they were younger, though, I think if/when some of their current friends' parents get divorced they would ask about it). If they did, I'd probably mention it in the context of that. When my DD was 2, I was digging through a bunch of boxes of stuff I'd been hauling around since before I married DH and found my old wedding dress, all boxed up. I put it with other stuff I was donating to goodwill (even though it was a lovely dress and was still in pristine condition, none of the bridal gown donation places would take it since it was 5 years old at that point), she asked what it was, I told her it was a wedding dress, she recognized it didn't look like the one in the picture with daddy, and I told her that it was from a long time ago and a different wedding. She seemed fine with it.

Is there some reason that you fear your son is going to 'find out' about this from someone else? I think this is something better brought up in a natural situation, rather than purposefully led to. Unless, as I stated above, it goes against your spiritual beliefs or what you're teaching him, in which case I understand and empathize and thank you for your concern to make sure he gently knows this in a proactive way so that he doesn't get shocked or angry and fall into the 'everything you told me is a lie!' reaction.

[mistymama]

Well, it's really NOT a big deal. So I would just tell ds about is casually and answer any questions he has.

[myfairbabies]

I found out at 11 or 12 that my dad had been married before, but it had been a short marriage with no children. I never met her and actually didn't even know she existed until my dad got news that she was killed and had a hard time dealing with it. I was somewhat shocked (I think I heard my mom talking about it with a friend) just because it had never been talked about. I wasn't upset or anything, just thought it was weird that I didn't know about it. My parents said they just never saw a reason to talk about it, but it wasn't a big secret or anything. I have since seen pictures of their wedding and think that might an easy way to bring it up. Just look through an old photo album or something and point it out? "Oh yeah, daddy was married for a little while before he met me, but they didn't have any kids and ended up getting divorced and he never sees her anymore. She lives really far away." My biggest concern was that I had some half siblings I didn't know about! Don't worry, he won't be traumatized or anything, at least I wasn't!

[EnviroBecca]

I'm a little surprised so many people think this is not a big deal. With a 9-year-old, I think you ought to be prepared with something to say in case he responds the way one of my childhood friends (who had known about both parents' previous divorces all along, but just got to thinking about it one day) did:
KID: Hey Mom, when you married Daddy, he promised to love you and be with you forever, right?
MOM: Right!
KID: But when Daddy married Martha before, did he promise to love HER and be with HER forever?
MOM: Um, yeah...
KID: So how do you know if he really means it?

[milkybean]

Originally Posted by aurora_skys

First of all, thank you for telling him. My parents waited until I was a teenager to inform me that those two older kids who sometimes hung around the house were my half siblings from dads previous marriage. It was shocking...

Wow, that IS shocking!

I remember my half-sibs would get confused about me and my brother sometimes, but gosh, we were calling our dad "Dad" and everything...they asked us over and over why dad was our dad and why their mom was not. They asked us often about our mom and who she was. Constant questions for quite awhile, even though we were there every other weekend during their younger years.

For your half sibs to not refer to your dad as "Dad", they must have been in on it; they were really working to keep it from you!!!