He won't let me listen to music/sing.....

[Leatherette]

I am really stressed at the moment. Before I had kids, listening to music I love and singing were very big stress relievers/fun for me/a creative outlet. My son is 8 now, and he has always had a big fit whenever I listen to my music and/or sing. He is usually a very well-adjusted and kind child, but he tantrums like a toddler, yells at me, and slams the door to his room if I sing or listen to music that I picked out.

He is not sensitive to noise overall - he just sang with his whole class last night and had no problem and is fine if we listen to music otherwise (as long as I don't seem to enjoy it that much).

I don't get it. I know that I can join a chorus outside of the home or something, but I would like to enjoy music and singing in my own home and share it with my children. And it kind of hurts my feelings that he just seems to not like it if I am enjoying it. And my voice is decent - it's not like I sound terrible or anything.

Any thoughts, BTDT?

Thanks,
L.

[PoppyMama]

That's unfriendly of him Honestly, I would tell him that I'm sorry it bothers him but it makes me feel good and it's my house too and he's welcome to spend my musical time in his room.

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by Leatherette

I know that I can join a chorus outside of the home or something, but I would like to enjoy music and singing in my own home and share it with my children.

I belong to a choir and it hasn't helped. My kids would just get mad at me when I practiced.

No suggestions. I just kept singing and they're mostly over it...but neither of them is as old as your son. Have you asked him if there's any particular reason it bothers him so much?

Oh...and
I found it really hard to deal with - all the day-to-day stress of SAHMing, and then one of my favourite outlets was being demolished, because even when I did sing, it was not relaxing.

Good luck.

[yippityskippity]

Originally Posted by PoppyMama

That's unfriendly of him Honestly, I would tell him that I'm sorry it bothers him but it makes me feel good and it's my house too and he's welcome to spend my musical time in his room.

:

Your son's behavior is manipulative and mean, and I would not tolerate that for one stinking minute. You obviously have a very tender heart and love your son very much. But, it's not loving to allow him to be mean and walk all over you.

[Leatherette]

Thanks for the replies. My son wrote me an apology letter tonight, explaining that he was frustrated with the drawing he was working on and then when I was singing he thought I was teasing him by singing louder when he was frustrated. Well, I had no idea he was frustrated, but still.

The idea about mommy having a "musical time" got me to thinking that if I let him know that I am going to do it ahead of time and he can go elsewhere before I start it may work well.

Really, he is a very sweet kid - it's just this one issue - but even sweet kids can still believe the world revolves around them.....

L.

[simplehome]

My son is only (nearly) 4, but we have a similar issue. I sing without realizing I'm doing it----if there's music on that I know, I sing along. If someone else starts singing, I join in. I love it! He HATES it!

With him I finally realized that his issues are that 1) if I'm singing, he can't hear the music. That really bugs him. 2) If he's already singing and I join in, he feels like I'm stealing the show (even though there's no one listening) or that I'm directing how the song should go. He likes to be the one in charge if he's singing.

We've actually decided to have days when I sing along to music and days when he just gets to listen and I keep quiet. It's working okay.

Hope you guys can work things out!

[meemee]

it is not a kid thing at all.

it is an universal thing.

and the way out is through dialogue. connecting from the heart.

if your son knew what music meant to you then you give him a 'learning' experience. you help him understand your world.

when any of us are in pain - whether that is in teh form of anger or frustration or sadness - it is impossible to think of others - to even realise others have needs.

the main thing here is not that your son wont let you sing. its about what is at the root of the matter.

it is so easy to believe that the world out there is manipulative. that anything doesnt go our way is manipulative. i dont buy that. its more about responsibility about both sides. of truly speaking all. not getting angry or sad but just understanding that there is more to it. its like when you were in a hard place and you needed to go to a movie for a breather and you invited your friend to go with you - and she says no - it comes across as a big rejection. the responsibilty is on both ends. for you to say how much you need this movie. that its not about the movie at all. just saying the why will make your friend rethink the decision. her 'no' probably was actually not now, i have to <___> maybe later.

i have a 6 year old and these little extra information makes such a HUGE difference in our relationship. it keeps us truly and deeply connected.

just like the apology conversation you had with your son.

btw my hates me singing too. much stronger when seh was younger coz she associated that with going to bed when seh didnt want to.

she loves me singing silly songs together.

but if i am listening to my music (a lot of which she enjoys herself) she wants to hear the music by itself - without mama singing along with it. i can understand that. but sometimes i warn her that i just have to sing. i cant keep it quiet within me. and she is ok with that. other times i try to respect her wishes and just listen together.

[anywaybecause]

Originally Posted by simplehome

<snip>
We've actually decided to have days when I sing along to music and days when he just gets to listen and I keep quiet.

I have one dd who doesn't mind if I sing, and another who does . . . what we wound up deciding is: If the song was out before they were born but is not Kids' Music, I get to sing. If it has come out since their birth, or is Kids Music (like Laurie Berkner, though Disney Factory stuff like Hannah Montana falls here, too), I can't sing when they're around. (They *are* both amused by the fact that, when I'm out running errands on my own, I will put on their Hannah Montana albums and sing at the top of my lungs in the car. )

The idea of letting him know ahead of time is a god one, though I know that sometimes, you're innocently chopping carrots or folding t-shirts and before you know it, you're singing. Maybe you can come up with some sort of phrase for him to use when you're suddenly singing and it happens to be bothering him?

[yippityskippity]

I believe your son is a great kid. My kids are also great kids. And they also have rotten behavior at times. Please don't think I was trying to label your son as awful. But, his behavior truly was unacceptable. And from the sound of the OP, it sounds like this wasn't a one-time event (did I misunderstand?)

I don't deliberately annoy or anger my kids, but if I feel like singing along with the radio and they don't like it... well, they're certainly welcome to go to another room until my concert is over or ask me politely to stop (if they're not ALWAYS asking me to hush, I'd probably honor their request) but they're not allowed to become verbally abusive and pitch a fit.

Someday he's going to be somebody's spouse, roommate, employee, boss... and if he goes into those situations expecting a negotiation or compromise until HE is perfectly comfortable with every aspect of every situation when he's frustrated, he's going to be in for a huge shock.

How about this: "When you are frustrated, here are some ways you can handle it (give some examples). You may NOT throw a tantrum, yell at me, or slam your door. If you do that, the consequence will be..."

Healthy boundaries are a gift to our children.

[mama*pisces]

Originally Posted by anywaybecause

If it has come out since their birth, or is Kids Music (like Laurie Berkner, though Disney Factory stuff like Hannah Montana falls here, too), I can't sing when they're around. (They *are* both amused by the fact that, when I'm out running errands on my own, I will put on their Hannah Montana albums and sing at the top of my lungs in the car. )

Coming from a pregnant mama with insomnia that got almost NO sleep last night, thanks so much for sharing this. The image of that is great. I also sing at the top of my lungs when alone in the car, though I don't know any Hannah Montana songs.

My 2 yo has often put his hand over my mouth when I've tried to sing. In fact, it started when he was 6 or 7 months old! (I'm really a halfway decent singer, and was surprised when he started doing it so young) Now he doesn't do it as much, but gets annoyed and says: "Nooo, mommy!" when I put on my music or the radio instead of Hickory Dickory Dock or something. We're working on sharing radio time.

And I agree with the PP that said that honest, complete communication is the way to go - let your son know how much you enjoy singing and that it's a n outlet for you(and that we ALL need outlets!), and I also like the idea of making certain days that you can sing spontaneously, and days when you just agree to listen(if that's what's bothering your son, not being able to hear the music). IDK - I also love singing, and believe we should be able to do it spontaneously and without previous thought, but it's also important to take into consideration the thoughts and feelings of our family members. s mama - hope you find a solution that works for everyone.

[Evan&Anna's_Mom]

If this was a one-time deal, then I would let it go. If its a consistant issue, then I would definitely talk about it with him. He's old enough he should be able to articulate why this bothers him. Then you can figure out a mutual solution. In general I think that you should be able to listen to music and sing, but also that living in family/community means respecting others. So if he seems simply bent on disrupting your enjoyment, then my response would be "I'm sorry you don't like it. You may go to your room/outside/other place but you may not be nasty about it". But if your singing is distracting him from a project that he was started on in the family room, for example, then perhaps you can move your singing to another room.

I know that I get overstimulated by noise, expecially music, especially especially repetitive music. Which, of course, is the way my 5 YO sings -- the same 2 lines over and over again. I find myself snapping badly at her because of the internal reaction in my brain just overwhelms me. Maybe something in your range of voice really gets to him?

If he simply doesn't like your musical choices and can't really get away from it, perhaps you would do better with an iPod? Which is what I plan on getting my kids when they decide they like things that I don't like!

[diaperqueen]

I think it's pretty awesome that he wrote the apology note and expressed why he acted the way he did. Most kids his age might not even recognize the exact reason why they are so frustrated and angry--they just act on those feelings.

I like the suggestion of letting him know that you will be listening to music, and he may either stay in the room or go elsewhere.

[Bell]

Does he do that just when you're listening and singing or every time you're happy and loud??