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scared

post #1 of 43
Thread Starter 
hello everyone. I can't really talk about this with people in real life, even my own husband, because they all say I'm "blessed". Please hear me out.

I never thought I would ever have twins. We don't have family history and I'm not older etc. NEVER thought I would be a candidate. Lucy & Bella were born 12/2007 (they are now about 14 months). I'm 9 weeks pregnant -------> with twins. We planned this pregnancy thinking no way in you-know-what I'd have twins again (what are the chances ??). I DREAMED of a singleton pregnancy, a NORMAL experience. I'd vaginally birthed Lucy & Bella and wanted a homebirth SOOO BAD! I deserved it after all I've been through with my first set of twins, right ?

I'm completely devastated. To the point of crying spontaneously all the time since finding out we were having twins a little over 2 weeks ago. I've been panicky and feeling SO ALONE amongst the "oh you did it once you can do it again!" banter.

I'm vegan, too. Have been for 12 years. And I read in a study that vegans RARELY like ever have twins. What the ???? am I doing to make me have twins ????????

and I got my period for the first time in Dec. and we didn't try much at ALL and bam! twins !!

I even called an abortion clinic tonight. I honestly know I can't go through with it. I'm saying this so you'll know how desperate I am.

My husband is in dreamland "Oh we can do it!" and not listening to me at ALL. Fact is our house is so small we have one bedroom where all four of us sleep on a mattress on the floor. His job is in total jeopardy. Plus the girls themselves are still sooo high needs and with my pregnancy now I fear I will not even be able to take care of them! (and we have no options for help)

also after Lucy & Bella were born I had really bad PPD where I was VERY panic-stricken to the point of hopelessness (it was soooo hard to care for 2 at the same time. They were 34 weeks and I had a lot of guilt about the breastfeeding not working like I'd thought it would. They were exclusive pumped over a year, but now with the pregnancy my milk supply has plummeted).

I'm at a point where I'm so depressed I can't even care for the girls now, as in I lie on the floor and they crawl over me I'm so tired all the time. Like comPLETELY exhausted. This pregnancy is very similar to when I was pregnant with Lucy & Bella and it terrifies me to think what the heck am I gonna do when I can't lift them anymore ???????????

thank you for listening if you read this far. I seriously have NO ONE to turn to. I have all this inner anguish and crying all the time but no one sees ANYTHING but a "miracle". I guess I want to know anyone here with more than one set of twins? How do you do it? And ANYONE HERE WITH TWO SETS OF TWINS LESS THAN TWO YEARS OLD ??????????????
post #2 of 43
Your feelings ARE valid. If I were in your shoes, I would also be in a mixed state of shock and panic and fear and anger.

The only thing you can do from here is to take all of your concerns and make game plans surrounding them (that is, once you are over twin shock and able to mobilize).

It seems EXTREMELY important to get your husband on board with your emotions and then, in turn, plan as a family on how you will cope with more children. That coping might mean moving to be near family who can help, a new job for your husband, a bigger house, etc.

I'm sure you can do this... I hope you can find a way to do it and stay mentally, physically, and emotionally healthy.

*I almost hate to say this, but do keep in mind that 9 weeks is still early for any pregnancy, and that vanishing twin syndrome widely occurs throughout the first trimester.
post #3 of 43
Oh my goodness. I wish I could come down there and give you a hug. And then take your girls out for a few hours so you could take a nice long nap. I remember how shocked you were the first time it was twins, and I am seriously on the floor right now that you are having twins again!

I think if I found myself in your position, I'd be freaking out, too, even without some of the complications you mentioned. I think your reaction is pretty understandable, even the clinic phonecall - you're in a panicked state and need to work through it your own way.

I hope this will remain a safe place for you to talk when you feel you can't talk to anyone else. And as time goes on, I hope we can help you brainstorm ways of handling whatever this pregnancy throws at you.

I'll be thinking of you, and sending s.
post #4 of 43
Deep breaths. Deep breaths. You are in a huge emotional place right now and you have every right to feel overwhelmed and scared. Talk to your husband about this and tell him your fears. This is not something you should deal with alone. If you decide to go ahead with the pregnancy, then talk to PPD people now so you can plan and prepare for after the babes are born. You are ahead in the game by knowing it is something that you are at risk for. Your family can and will grow and adapt to the new situation. I know it is hard to see how, but it will. You can do this. You CAN. Find any help you can....volunteers from a local charity, church, twins group, mother's helpers, someone you know at the grocery store, etc., etc....take ANY help you can get right now. One hour at a time...take it one hour at a time....and keep talking. I can understand your desire to regain your homebirth plan. Don't give it up yet. We put so much pressure on ourselves regarding birth, breastfeeding, mothering...everything. Give yourself a LOT of credit. You are doing a great job. For those that keep telling you it is a blessing or a miracle, or "how lucky you are", then tell them you need their help and sign them up, hon. These huge feelings of anxiety will lessen.....
post #5 of 43
Wow Melanie, what a huge shock! There are big AP/MDC groups in NC. Ask for help and they will! RIght now try to think of the positives. What did you enjoy with your twin pregnancy, the birth, rearing them so far.

PPD, I had it with my 2nd born but did not with my twins, it may not happen. You CAN make a small house work for you. We live in less than 800 sq ft for a family of 6 and we make it work. It's not easy, but it's doable. Yes we've changed sleeping arrangement about 20 times LOL but being flexible is key.

PurpleHeather here has 2 sets of twins, and I"m sure she could give you some great input.
post #6 of 43
Wow, I know it's overwhelming. Not from personal experience, but because I have a RL friend who has two sets. I think MANY of us on here had VERY complex and conflicting emotions when we first found out it was twins the first time-- I can only imagine how compounded all that must be when you were hoping for a singleton and get a second set so soon.

Give yourself space to really encounter your feelings and explore where they're coming from. Fear is so powerful when we don't look our fears in the eye, KWIM? I had SEVERE PPD with my third, but not with my other kids (including twins) so remember that it's not set in stone.

I'm sorry you're having a hard time.
post #7 of 43
Oh I wish I could come watch your little ones and let you rest. You must be exhausted physically and mentally.
Big hugs coming your way! s:
post #8 of 43
A huge to you, and an encouraging you can do it.

But seek out and accept ALL offers of help, evern before your new babe(s) arrive. Pregnancy is hard work too
post #9 of 43
Another big hug for you.

I am terrified of having a second set of twins. As in, it is a major reason why I have zero interest in dtd right now. So I haven't been there, but I have imagined what a house with four young and demanding, sweet and mobile, children would be like.

I'm not religious, but for my preg and this first year I have found myself saying, "God never gives us more than we can handle". This will make you stronger, whatever decision you make. As for the day to day realities of preg w/ twins, while caring for twins and then caring for four small children, I don't know how a person would get through it. But you will. I only know of one person irl who has two sets, the oldest were two when their sibs were born. She did hire a nanny to be w/ her most days. I think having daily help would be just about necessary. Wish we were closer so I could send make your fam dinner. . .
post #10 of 43
Wow.... I remember when you got pg the first time, b/c we were in the same DDC... I can't even imagine what you're going through. It has to be the most daunting thing that I could ever face. My post is basically going to echo what pp's have said, get dh on board with your feelings, create an action plan, perhaps ppd won't return, etc.

As for the vegan thing, that has been my rallying call that I won't have twins again, so now you've proven me wrong. It must just be a genetic predisposition, or all of those wonderful grains fruits and veggies that are doing it.

We're here for you.
post #11 of 43
I recommend you finding a therapist who works with pregnant and post-partum women. The abortion clinic might be able to recommend someone? You're right - not a lot of people can understand your situation. I really feel for you.

I understand what you mean about "deserving" a normal pregnancy. I feel the same way. The last 2 years have been HELL, and DD's birth went wrong (I let the CNM break my water; she got stuck; I got cut). I deserve a normal pregnancy and the birth experience that I so desperately crave. BUT, that's not meant to be. I've had to completely revise my expectations - no more low-intervention care, for one. I've already had 4 ultrasounds with this pregnancy. But I've needed them for my own sanity. Midwives aren't "allowed" to attend twin homebirth. What a crock, IMO. So, I'm having to work through my completely VALID concerns about trying to birth twins naturally in a hospital setting with a surgeon hovering over me - that is if he even LETS me use my vagina.

Ok, so I've rambled "me me me" and this is about YOU. I guess what I'm saying is that pregnancy, childbirth, and parenting are sacrifices. They can be blessings, but they're sacrifices too. There must be some sort of cosmic reason for this timing, right?

Let your babies crawl all over you. If that's all you can do, then that's all you can do. I'm 12 weeks and barely surviving. DD and DH won't be permanently scarred. This is temporary - as horrid as you're feeling, things can get better. Perhaps this pregnancy will be easier once you get past this stage. I wake up every day hopeful that I'll feel better.

If you want to keep one of the babies, talk to an OB. "Selective reduction" might be an option, especially if the babies are in their own sacs. I don't know anything about it but have seen it mentioned here.

You've been through PPD before, so I certainly can understand your fear of going through that again. All the more reason to work on putting together a support team. You don't deserve to go through this alone.

Baby steps - I've had to really work on this . . . I get overwhelmed when I look to the past or too far into the future. If you can focus on one day at a time or one hour at a time, if need be, you might find some relief. You're 9w pregnant and taking on ALL of the potential problems you might (or might not) face in the future.

Hope this helps at all. I know I'd be freaking out in your situation too, and certainly the "you've done it before" justification sucks because it just invalidates your feelings.
post #12 of 43
Oh wow, I would feel exactly the same! (((hugs)))
post #13 of 43
Quote:
Originally Posted by PurpleMonkey View Post
I'm vegan, too. Have been for 12 years. And I read in a study that vegans RARELY like ever have twins. What the ???? am I doing to make me have twins ????????
Quote:
Originally Posted by MamaRabbit View Post
PurpleHeather here has 2 sets of twins, and I"m sure she could give you some great input.
Um...maybe it's the screenname?
post #14 of 43
Quote:
Originally Posted by OGirlieMama View Post
Um...maybe it's the screenname?
post #15 of 43
PurpleHeather is wonderful. Definitely talk to her!!!!
post #16 of 43
Oh, I can totally, TOTALLY relate. My singletons are 6 and 4 and then I have 2-yo twins and 5-mo twins. I felt the same way when I found out. Panic. Anxiety.

My pregnancy was miserable. I had a terrible birth. My husband left last month and won't be back until October. I'm over 600 miles from my family with no help at all. It sucks. But we have days when I am totally smitten with these little ones. Days that make the sucky days totally worth it.

It's going to be tough. But you can do it. Actually, if you PM me I'll give you my phone number. I would love to talk to you. Really. Because I totally get what you're feeling. ((big hugs))

Maybe you can homebirth these twins? Maybe you'll have 2 peaceful, east babies? You never know! I hope that you have it easy this time! Really, PM me and we can talk.
post #17 of 43
One more thing... I will be in NC next week. I am driving (by myself) w/ my kids and dog from GA to VA. I would even be happy to meet you somewhere or something. If you're ok with that. I'm definitely crazy but I'm not an axe murderer or anything, I promise! LOL
post #18 of 43
I'm not in the same exact situation but I really feel you. I have been feeling very similar things. And DH and others have been reacting the same way.

post #19 of 43
I think you gals are more brave than I am. I haven't even ALLOWED myself to think about how complicated it's going to be or how we can't afford 2 at the same time. I just can't even GO there . . . at least not yet.

I think we need a multiples mamas group hug!
post #20 of 43
I didn't realise you were this stressed out over it. I'm sorry you are having to go through this. I would be terrified too. I'm actually playing the watch and wait game myself, my betas are high and my betas are usually low. My friends keep joking that I'm having another set and it's just not funny. Part of me doesn't want to know if I am or not and the other half does so I can schedule a reduction. This is my last birth and I just won't have the crap I dealt with the first time again. We have all discussed it and the guys are behind me in the decision. I love my daughters but I love my sanity more and I fear I'd be forever broken if I had to do it again. My twins left me suicidal and I don't dare think of what having another set would do to me. I'm sorry if being cheerful has not been helpful. I was trying to help. Seriously though, there is no judgement from me and I don't blame you for calling an abortion clinic, I'd be in the same place to be perfectly honest.
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