How "present" can you really be?

[TripMom]

OK - I am a WOHM who is able to SAH almost 50% time now - which is : - all I've wanted for so long.

Here is my question though - I find that while I am home and in charge of the whole enchilada - I can very easily see a day slip through my fingers where I was "with" my kids all day but didn't feel like I was with them very much at all -

It kind of goes like this get kids up, ready for school, making meals, cleaning up from meals, organizing an outing, making lunch for outing, waterbottles, get your shoes and coat on, load 'em up, drive there, play, stop at bank, need groceries, return books to library, mail package, back here, more meal prep, clean, DS pick up, homework, laundry - switch loads - another meal, please do you your reading, I'm cleaning up from this meal, can you guys help me fold?- everyone up for bath, brush teeth, laundry - switch loads - did you floss?, OK - everyone pick a book - OK here we go, lets read, tuck in - good night. Now its 8pm and I have to do 2 to 3 hours of work and have wondered where my day with the kids went????

Is there some trick to this I am not figuring out? Right now - I feel like I got more quality time with them when I only had Wednesdays off during the week and just focused that one day and wasn't so busy with all the other details.

[FreedMama]

I feel that way quite a bit. Being "present" is really something that I need to be conscious of.

I did find that when I get really busy and kind of frazzled, that some Rescue Remedy helped me to take a few deep breaths and center myself again.

HTH.

[smibbo]

um, no, there's no "trick"

being SAHM means working... the home. Don't misjudge your contribution. Kids need to see the actual ins and outs of daily life being managed. Being included in taht makes them feel secure.

I am a little puzzled though... you mentioned you go to the park and play - is that not being "present"? and reading to them ...is that not "present"? Sounds like you do a few things every day with them that is intimate and loving. Sounds like just about evertyhing else you do is enriching and instructional. Is there something wrong with that?

I mean, yeah I guess it'd be nice to have hired help to deal with all the 'mindless drudgery" stuff and then we could just love and play with our kids but well that'd be kind of surrealistic.

Also do remember, YOU may feel that going to the bank and grocery is mundane and mindless but your kids probably enjoy it. They haven't been fifty bazillion times and they don't have to really deal with the aggravation of the actual transactions. I very much enjoyed grocery shopping with my mom, going to the hardware store or the electronics store with my dad although I keenly recall they often seemed to dread those trips. I thought they were fun and exciting.

Dont expect fireworks every minute; your kids don't.

[GuildJenn]

In one of those annoying Zen tricks... I think I see the answer in your question.

Set aside one afternoon to plan to be like your Wednesdays used to be, and then enjoy the rest of the time as usual. :-)

[Delicateflower]

Originally Posted by smibbo

I am a little puzzled though... you mentioned you go to the park and play - is that not being "present"? and reading to them ...is that not "present"? Sounds like you do a few things every day with them that is intimate and loving. Sounds like just about evertyhing else you do is enriching and instructional. Is there something wrong with that?

I think she means really being in the moment paying full attention to them and concentrating on them.

OP, I had no difficulty with being in the moment with one child, but with two I'm struggling.

[chipper26]

I know what you mean. The day passes and it's like, "What did we do today?"

Sometimes I try to focus on what Dr Sears calls the quantity time, which is also very important. I think involving them in your day and just being there for them is a big thing, but it's hard to involve them in everything. Also, when I want to do something just with my dd (7 months) sometimes I'm just not sure what to do. We can only play on the floor for so long or read so many books.

[chipper26]

Originally Posted by smibbo

um, no, there's no "trick"

being SAHM means working... the home. Don't misjudge your contribution. Kids need to see the actual ins and outs of daily life being managed. Being included in taht makes them feel secure.

I am a little puzzled though... you mentioned you go to the park and play - is that not being "present"? and reading to them ...is that not "present"? Sounds like you do a few things every day with them that is intimate and loving. Sounds like just about evertyhing else you do is enriching and instructional. Is there something wrong with that?

I mean, yeah I guess it'd be nice to have hired help to deal with all the 'mindless drudgery" stuff and then we could just love and play with our kids but well that'd be kind of surrealistic.

Also do remember, YOU may feel that going to the bank and grocery is mundane and mindless but your kids probably enjoy it. They haven't been fifty bazillion times and they don't have to really deal with the aggravation of the actual transactions. I very much enjoyed grocery shopping with my mom, going to the hardware store or the electronics store with my dad although I keenly recall they often seemed to dread those trips. I thought they were fun and exciting.

Dont expect fireworks every minute; your kids don't.

I went back and read the responses AFTER I posted. This is a great response that I want to remember for myself, too. Mundane tasks that are boring to us may actually be pretty special to our kids. :

[ChetMC]

Sort Of

I feel the same to a degree. The days pass in a blur. I feel like a lot of the "quality time" I spend with the kids is often in the evening or on the weekend when DH is home. Lately we've been reading for an hour at bedtime for example, while DH keeps baby company.

The thing is though, if I didn't do laundry, bathrooms, kitchen duty, etc during the day we'd have to do it in the evening and on the weekend, and this way DH can be involved in the fun stuff.

Plus, you can't underestimate the value of your kids just knowing that you're near. Our girls spend most of their time playing together during the day, but I see them and hear them while they do it, and I'm accessible to them when they need me. And I totally agree that stuff which seems mundane to an adult is fascinating to a child. Our girls love to load the dryer and start the dishwasher, and they'd sell their kidneys to go to the grocery store.

[rumpos]

I was a full-time WOHM (though my partner and I both flexed, so that we could avoid outside childcare) that recently transitioned to part-time WAHM and SAHM. I totally hear you--and I think part of it is the transition from a mindset of making every moment count to the mindset of feeling as though you have plenty of time to make a connection to your children.

What has REALLY helped me is reading Lawrence Cohen's "Playful Parenting" book. He has real, useful, fun exercises to do with your kids that make the most of limited time--he talks about how if you're feeling like you are that it isn't that you aren't there, it's that you're not making the connection you want to make with your child. He has these great things to try that take just a few minutes to "fill up your kid's love cup (and yours)" and how to do soulful PlayTime (his caps) with your kids.

It's been SO meaningful to try his exercises. It's not that you have to be "present" every single second, it's that you realize that stopping what you're doing, or using what you're doing (errands, laundry) to make a connection with your kid is good for them AND you. He has easy games, fun ways of rethinking things, and he's all about really appreciating all the mundane moments of life as opportunities to love yourself and your children.

You won't have to change very much of what you're doing (and it sounds like you're doing great) to incorporate the playful parenting outlook, and it's fun. It's interesting for me, as a mama of a toddler, to watch how taking even a few seconds to make a meaningful, playful connection to my son means that I can grab the few minutes I need to fold laundry uninterrupted while he plays because both of us feel "full."

OK, so now Lawrence Cohen should totally pay me.

[RunAround]

Originally Posted by ChetMC

Our girls love to load the dryer and start the dishwasher, and they'd sell their kidneys to go to the grocery store.

My boys feel the opposite. Even the "car carts" don't do the trick at the store anymore. They can't run and screech like wild animals, which is their primary directive. But, I digress...

OP, I know where you're coming from. Being in/out of the house all day generates it's own workload. And, it's always there looking me in the face, which didn't happen when I was away full-time. Wish I had some great suggestions, but this is something I'm struggling with right now. We're working on "changing the sleep habits in our home" (read: dealing with screaming kids all night) and I'm so sleep deprived that I'm not present for much at all. I do try to get a belly laugh out of all of us every day - that seems to help our connection.

[JennaW]

Originally Posted by chipper26

I know what you mean. The day passes and it's like, "What did we do today?"

Sometimes I try to focus on what Dr Sears calls the quantity time, which is also very important. I think involving them in your day and just being there for them is a big thing, but it's hard to involve them in everything. Also, when I want to do something just with my dd (7 months) sometimes I'm just not sure what to do. We can only play on the floor for so long or read so many books.

I am really glad you posted this because my DD is also 7 months and sometimes I start to feel bad because I honestly get bored sitting on the floor playing with her for a long time.

To the OP- I only have one 7 month old DD and I often feel this way too! It is amazing how just keeping up with the basics of daily life consume an entire day.

I feel like being there and responding to needs as they come up, along with taking care of lifes daily tasks, is very valuable to our children.

I was talking to a friend about SAHMing just yesterday and she said something I thought was great, which was "There is a lot to be said for living a simple life." In the context she was speaking to being a SAHM and taking care of lifes little things and that that is MEANINGFUL to our children.

[Bell]

Many times I am at the same place of my family but I am on my own... you know what I mean? It depends. I can be closer, talking more, doing my stuff but with them or just with my mind somewhere else. :

[TripMom]

Originally Posted by smibbo

I am a little puzzled though... you mentioned you go to the park and play - is that not being "present"? and reading to them ...is that not "present"? Sounds like you do a few things every day with them that is intimate and loving. Sounds like just about evertyhing else you do is enriching and instructional. Is there something wrong with that?

I guess my feeling is that even when we are doing an outing somewhere . . . I feel like my head is swimming so much with outing prep and what I have got to do when we return and how long can we stay before we need to leave . . .etc. . . .that I don't feel very present?? And yes - I do feel bedtime is a very focused and loving time - the most present I am all day - likely because the whole day is behind me now and I have nothing to "worry" about getting done? Of course - I've always done bedtime even when I worked - so that doesn't feel like any time I'm getting back with them while being home?

I guess I just felt like I'd have way more time being present with them if I got to stay home more - and I'm just wondering if there are some tricks to make that happen that I haven't figured out yet. Maybe not??

[TripMom]

Originally Posted by GuildJenn

In one of those annoying Zen tricks... I think I see the answer in your question.

Set aside one afternoon to plan to be like your Wednesdays used to be, and then enjoy the rest of the time as usual. :-)

I know - I was thinking that too - and that has me wondering -- OK, are things really so much better with this new schedule??

[TripMom]

Originally Posted by rumpos

I was a full-time WOHM (though my partner and I both flexed, so that we could avoid outside childcare) that recently transitioned to part-time WAHM and SAHM. I totally hear you--and I think part of it is the transition from a mindset of making every moment count to the mindset of feeling as though you have plenty of time to make a connection to your children.

What has REALLY helped me is reading Lawrence Cohen's "Playful Parenting" book. He has real, useful, fun exercises to do with your kids that make the most of limited time--he talks about how if you're feeling like you are that it isn't that you aren't there, it's that you're not making the connection you want to make with your child. He has these great things to try that take just a few minutes to "fill up your kid's love cup (and yours)" and how to do soulful PlayTime (his caps) with your kids.

It's been SO meaningful to try his exercises. It's not that you have to be "present" every single second, it's that you realize that stopping what you're doing, or using what you're doing (errands, laundry) to make a connection with your kid is good for them AND you. He has easy games, fun ways of rethinking things, and he's all about really appreciating all the mundane moments of life as opportunities to love yourself and your children.

You won't have to change very much of what you're doing (and it sounds like you're doing great) to incorporate the playful parenting outlook, and it's fun. It's interesting for me, as a mama of a toddler, to watch how taking even a few seconds to make a meaningful, playful connection to my son means that I can grab the few minutes I need to fold laundry uninterrupted while he plays because both of us feel "full."

OK, so now Lawrence Cohen should totally pay me.

THANKS! I'm off to Amazon right now. I've tried a few different things - but what ends up happening with my attempts to be more present is that we have no food in the house, I have library fines up the wazoo, the laundry piles to an obscene height and I have nothing ready for any meal and end up ordering pizza WAY too much! So there has to be a way to do this job and be with the kids the way I wanted to/dreamed of being while I was squirreled away in an office for all those years . . . .

[cotopaxi]

I know exactly what you mean. Sometimes I feel like every time we sit down to play my mind immediately wanders to what other chores I should be doing, how long until naptime, etc. The only "trick" I have is to remind myself how quickly time passes and what I would give in 10 years to have my tiny toddler to cuddle and play with again.

[MacKinnon]

I WOH part-time, I'm home three days a week and have been struggling with this lately too. I've tried to find some time towards the end of the day before DH comes home, even if it is just 10 minutes while dinner is in the oven to really sit down and play. Although we go to the park, the library, play group and we read or snuggle for rest time, it just doesn't seem like the 'quality' time I was hoping to have with these days at home. If I miss that before dinner time, I'll try to sit in the bathroom and chat during baths. It seems in my house, anyway, that as few as 15 minutes of just *being* with them helps me feel more connected and them seem calmer.

[PlayaMama]

my very favourite book about this is called

everyday blessings by the zinns.

http://product.half.ebay.com/Everyda...nfoQQprZ733045

i struggle with this too, and i'm coming to realize that mdc is a crutch i use to "escape" i second the belly laugh idea though, it really does cause us to connect.

[smibbo]

I know this is old and my comment is a little late but on rereading and reflecting, it's a really good question ...being mindfully present when there's so much undone that you can't stay focused on the joy right in front of you.

I do think that that is something every parent is in danger of especially during trying times. Its ironic that it can take a supreme effort to ground oneself in what's actually happening rather than musing on other nebulous things. Its as if you have to work hard to relax but that's kind of what it is; working to relax and let go of the distractions to fully enjoy the moment.

I'm pretty sure that many tomes have been written about this... its the essentiality of Buddhism really.

But to the specific issue at hand I do have one small suggestion that works for me (and I didn't even realize it was a "solution" until I pondered your question more but I've been doing it all along!)

I have an online photo site that we started primarily for keeping dh's family up-to-date on their grandbaby. DH bought me a really awesome camera and I take pictures all the time. I probably post about 30 pictures a week on a slow week.

WHat I often do, though, is go back and look at pictures of Lil Miss when she was so much tinier and younger. SHe's only 19mos now but sometimes just looking at her as a newborn, makes my heart ache to think of how quickly time has passed. INevitably while I'm looking at her older pictures she comes toddling in the room and I'm amazed at how changed she is in sucha short time! Those moments always make me see her "with new eyes" for a bit and I feel really present.

So, even though I didn't realize that's what I was doing, that's my "trick"

[becoming]

One thing I love to do when the weather is nice is just drop everything and go play outside for a whole afternoon. We'll start with having a picnic lunch in our yard, then just play and explore for 2 or 3 whole hours. During and afterward we all feel so connected.

But generally I think we are too hard on ourselves as SAHMs, or as moms in general. Your kids are loving being able to spend so much time with you. You don't have to worry about focusing your attention completely on them 100% of the time, or even 75% of the time. This sounds harsh (I can't figure out a better way to say it), but they do need to learn that they aren't the center of the universe and that adults have to take care of adult things.