childhood as stressful years

[meemee]

do you think childhood is a v. stressful time for kids?

or at least some of the kids.

i never imagined childhood could ever be stressful. i thought it was all about love and play.

but i notice that it definitely can be. in some kids. like my dd. she generally though has a leaning towards anxiety. she gets it v. easily.

now that she is 6 but has always been able to voice her feelings - i realise how stressful like IS for her. many times she STRUGGLES with making choices. nowadays sometimes she just wants me to make her choices even in simple things like what to wear or what to drink at lunch.

of course there are bigger issues too - but the small issues can really add stress in our babies and toddlers life too.

i wish i had discovered this earlier coz it would have definitely helped my parenting - my own frustrations.

how about you? do you feel that is so?

[chipper26]

Some kids have an inborm temperament that predisposes them to anxiety...they are just more sensitive, others go through phases. Sometimes there is something going on under the surface that isn't obvious. Once kids leave our 24/7 care for school or daycare, there could be a number of situations that could stress them.

I do, however, also think that childhood can be a very stressful time in a person's life if the parenting is lacking. Please do not think I am saying this about you, I am not. I am saying this because I'm a teacher and I've seen what some kids have to go through and I also think I had a stressful childhood myself.

[Thalia the Muse]

It was certainly stressful for me! My daughter seems to go back and forth, between periods when everything is really hard and others when she is just having a blast and it's like the idyllic fantasy we all have about childhood. She really hated being a small infant, I think, which was kind of shocking to me -- I would have expected babies to just be blissfully themselves, but she wasn't really happy until she was able to move around more and engage with people socially and put things in her mouth.

And, you know, LIFE is pretty freaking hard. I don't think there's ever an age where we don't have challenges. Kids are constantly changing and constantly pushing up against things that they need to learn how to do, and failing a lot until they learn how to do them. And they have to let go of the things that used to comfort them, and there's this tension between wanting to be supported and sheltered, and needing not to be a baby anymore.

Frankly, I think there's only so much "good parenting" can do to make it easier. And there's something to be said for learning that you can go through challenging times and come out on the other side OK.

[chipper26]

Originally Posted by Thalia the Muse

It was certainly stressful for me! My daughter seems to go back and forth, between periods when everything is really hard and others when she is just having a blast and it's like the idyllic fantasy we all have about childhood. She really hated being a small infant, I think, which was kind of shocking to me -- I would have expected babies to just be blissfully themselves, but she wasn't really happy until she was able to move around more and engage with people socially and put things in her mouth.

And, you know, LIFE is pretty freaking hard. I don't think there's ever an age where we don't have challenges. Kids are constantly changing and constantly pushing up against things that they need to learn how to do, and failing a lot until they learn how to do them. And they have to let go of the things that used to comfort them, and there's this tension between wanting to be supported and sheltered, and needing not to be a baby anymore.

Frankly, I think there's only so much "good parenting" can do to make it easier. And there's something to be said for learning that you can go through challenging times and come out on the other side OK.

Wow, great post. I agree with all of the above!

[MusicianDad]

Originally Posted by Thalia the Muse

It was certainly stressful for me! My daughter seems to go back and forth, between periods when everything is really hard and others when she is just having a blast and it's like the idyllic fantasy we all have about childhood. She really hated being a small infant, I think, which was kind of shocking to me -- I would have expected babies to just be blissfully themselves, but she wasn't really happy until she was able to move around more and engage with people socially and put things in her mouth.

And, you know, LIFE is pretty freaking hard. I don't think there's ever an age where we don't have challenges. Kids are constantly changing and constantly pushing up against things that they need to learn how to do, and failing a lot until they learn how to do them. And they have to let go of the things that used to comfort them, and there's this tension between wanting to be supported and sheltered, and needing not to be a baby anymore.

Frankly, I think there's only so much "good parenting" can do to make it easier. And there's something to be said for learning that you can go through challenging times and come out on the other side OK.

: to all of the above, particularly the bolded. There is really no phase in life that doesn't have it's stressors.

[ChetMC]

Very Stressful

Childhood can be very stressful. To a large extent it depends on the kid, the pressures in their lives, and the tools they have available to cope... but I think kids who breeze through childhood breeze through life in general.

Micheal Thompson actually addresses this issue to some extent in several of his books, but The Pressured Child addresses the topic in particular. One of the comments he makes is about how parents often think school and childhood are easy, and you'd think after having been a child and gone to school, parents would remember more about what it's really like!

[MusicianDad]

Originally Posted by ChetMC

Childhood can be very stressful. To a large extent it depends on the kid, the pressures in their lives, and the tools they have available to cope... but I think kids who breeze through childhood breeze through life in general.

Micheal Thompson actually addresses this issue to some extent in several of his books, but The Pressured Child addresses the topic in particular. One of the comments he makes is about how parents often think school and childhood are easy, and you'd think after having been a child and gone to school, parents would remember more about what it's really like!

A good portion of teachers are horribly guilty of not remembering what it was like. At least in my experience.

[ChetMC]

Originally Posted by MusicianDad

A good portion of teachers are horribly guilty of not remembering what it was like. At least in my experience.

To some extent, it's human nature for memories to dim and change over time. People often forget how difficult things were, not just teachers.

I also think adults look at childhood with an adult mind, and forget what it's like to live it as a child, with a child's level of control and development. When you're doing your own taxes, and trying to figure out how to pay the mortgage, it's hard to remember what it's like for addition with double digits to be a challenge. A child's problems can seem trivial to a adult because of course, an adult looks at child problems in comparison to adult problems.

There's a great display at our science centre that has a giant table and a giant chair to show adults what it feels like to be a child.

When it comes to teachers, many of the not so good ones at least, I think they are guilty of population statistics. They see so many kids, that they expect all kids to do what most kids can do.

[Storm Bride]

Childhood has stressors, just as every other part of life does. I think whether or not it's actually stressful depends on many things. DS1's childhood was more stressful, in terms of external stressors, than that of dd or ds2. However, I think dd is having the most stressful childhood. She's very, very sensitive and somewhat volatile. She's also a little anxious on the social level, and a perfectionist. So, she has a lot of internal stressors that make her life difficult for her to deal with. All dh and I can do is try to find ways to help her cope, and she's doing a lot better than she was even a couple of years ago. She found art therapy on her own (draws angry faces, and pictures of her brother with Xs through them when she's mad at him, and things like that), and has learned the value of removing herself from a situation when it's too stimulating. It's good to see that she's finding ways to cope...but her life is definitely stressful for her.

[earthgirl]

It certainly was for me. My parents divorced when I was young, my mom worked hard and long hours, we were always moving b/c we were poor, I was the only bi-racial child in a white school, etc. So yeah, I can see it being hard for kids, especially given the fact that kids are not always able to process what they are feeling and have so little control over their environments. Oh, and I agree that parenting has a lot to do with it. My mom was pretty amazing and did what I think was a really good job at parenting. But she did not have it easy and there's no way I didn't pick up on that.

[EnviroBecca]

"Little girls are cute and small only to adults. To one another, they are not cute. They are life-sized."--Margaret Atwood

Many things about childhood can be very difficult for children. Mister Rogers had a great handle on that and such a wonderfully gentle approach to helping kids find their way!

I feel that one of my parents' greatest strengths as parents, and as people dealing with kids in other ways, has been their ability to remember what it was LIKE to be various ages. I remember that too and use it as much as I can when my son is upset about things that seem like nothing. Hearing stories about my difficult childhood moments, and stories about his grandparents' difficult childhood moments that they told me when I was a kid, is comforting to him: We got through it and grew up, and so will he.

I'm reading a book by some psychologists who set up groups to help boys practice emotional fluency and relationships, and one of the most striking things about it is their use of stories from their own boyhoods and the way those stories open up the boys' willingness to talk about their own vulnerable moments. These are not stories about, "When I was a boy, I always did the right thing, not like YOU." They're more like, "I felt the way you feel, and sometimes I made choices that were uncomfortable. These problems are real." Sounds like it worked really well in their groups.

[staceychev]

Childhood was a very stressful time for me. I always thought people who said they'd love to be children again are nuts.

It wasn't anything about my lifestyle: parents were married, dad was only unemployed for a short while and then only once. It was just a lot of anxiety about emotions, and interpersonal issues and school stress.

[meemee]

you know i realise once school starts its really stressful.

but i really wasnt aware that babyhood was stressful too. i didnt think about it. but now that i look back i realise how stressful it must have been for my dd. how much she cried because i couldnot understand what she wanted. that crying itself was a stress reliever.

i guess teh moment you are created when you probably have a mind life gets stressful - even in utero.

and thalia you are absolutely right. good parenting can only do so much. lookign back i am so grateful i got to spend the amount of time i got to spend with my dd esp. when seh was younger. i wish i could have spent more but life did not allow that to happen. and she had to learn and discover challenges on her own. poor kid!!!!

[sunnmama]

In my personal experience, childhood was not stressful. I mean, sure, I experienced stressful moments, but overall it was pretty carefree. I was an anxious kid (and am an anxious adult), but really only remember experiencing anxiety in school situations (mostly putting academic pressure on myself, or navigating social situations). I didn't grow up to remember any of those experiences as horribly stressful, although they were indeed stressful at the time. Like childbirth, time has numbed my memory of the pain

My own dd is also anxious. There are times when she is like me as a kid, and generally enjoys life. There was a period of time (last year, specifically), when she was overwhelmed with anxiety and was not enjoying life. I understood that to mean that her anxiety was becoming a serious issue needing professional attention. We found a wonderful counselor for her, and it helped her a lot. FTR, my dd was 6.5 when we started counseling, and is now 8. She still struggles with some things (worries before a friend's birthday party, rather than being excited, for instance), but she is able to manage her normal days without undue stress or anxiety.

[cappuccinosmom]

From a global point of view, absolutely. I think sadly, children who have reasonably stress-free childhoods are in the minority. Dh growing up in east Africa certainly has happy memories, but his childhood *was* very stressful.


I had an easy, comfortable childhood but there were certainly moments of stress that I remember, even when things were good.