Is it wrong of me to judge?

[RadUnschooler]

I was talking to a friend telling her about a guy who calls his step-son names and curses,yells and puts him down in front of me and she said that i shouldn't judge him. That there are people trained to do that and gave me a lecture. Is this for real? If i see him do this constantly it's wrong for me to think he's not a good dad? what's your opinion?

[betsyj]

It is not wrong to think he is not a good dad-by many standards he isn't. But, does he provide for the boy? Love him? Take him places? If he does those things then by many standards he is a fine dad.

I tihnk it is very difficult to NOT to judge other's parenting choices. But, I really try (and I am hardly successful at this-this is a very hard issue for me because I too get very upset at how some parents treat their kids) to not judge people if I don't have any way of giving them constructive feedback, or modeling what I think might be a better way of relating to someone.

Judging without offering a positive solution is not usually helpful and does nothing except make us feel superior to the other person.

[RadUnschooler]

No,I have heard the boy say he doesn't play with him. I have never seen any kind of love expressed....sad.

[Turquesa]

Did it ever occur to your friend that she was judging you?

Seriously, your concerns for the poor kid are valid, and your friend dismissed them by propping herself us as being morally superior enough to lecture you.

It's wrong to treat a child in the way you're describing. But I wouldn't judge or label that guy a "bad person." Maybe he was raised that way and doesn't know any differently, maybe he apologized to his son later, maybe, maybe, maybe.

I guess what I'm saying is that there's a difference between judging an action (acceptable in my book) and judging a person. I wasn't there, so I don't know which (if either) you were doing. But either way, it sounds like your friend may have over-reacted.

[limabean]

Originally Posted by betsyj

Judging without offering a positive solution is not usually helpful and does nothing except make us feel superior to the other person.

I would agree if she were expressing her feelings to the dad in question; however, she was just venting to a friend.

The whole "judging" thing is blown so out of proportion sometimes. Since when did it become judgmental (in a bad way) to say that name-calling, cursing, and berating a child is wrong? Someone on MDC has a siggy that says something like "Not all judgment is wrong," and I agree -- that word shouldn't only have a negative connotation.

[betsyj]

that word shouldn't only have a negative connotation.

And I agree-but I think it is usually a negative connotation because it is a one step process. The OP absolutely has the right to think he is a bad Dad-I think so too!!

I guess I was only trying to point out that judging is easy-offering change is not.

[ChetMC]

Don't Judge

Originally Posted by RadUnschooler

I was talking to a friend telling her about a guy who calls his step-son names and curses,yells and puts him down in front of me and she said that i shouldn't judge him. That there are people trained to do that and gave me a lecture. Is this for real? If i see him do this constantly it's wrong for me to think he's not a good dad? what's your opinion?

Without a more detailed description, all I can say is don't judge. It doesn't matter so much what a parent says. What matters is what the child hears and how they feel.

I know families where cursing and swearing are just how they talk. Names that sound horrible are terms of endearment. If the child feels loved, cared for and valued, and their needs are being met, it's okay.

I realise it sounds bizarre, but I do know parents who, by all white, liberal, middle class, read-all-the-parenting-books standards are horrible parents, but their kids still know that they're loved and valued, and they're turning out fine. Day to day small picture these people look messed up, but they get the big stuff right.

[meemee]

judging is something i really struggle with. it comes v. easily and v. naturally to me.

over the last few years i try to be v. aware to push those thougths away when they come up.

because i always try to find out why am i judging.

is it a me thing where i need to feel i am doing better at teh cost of someone else. (i am not saying you are doing that just expressing my point of view). is it a protection thing. something really wrong is going on and i need to do something.

i always keep assessing what is really at the heart of my judging. if it is a warning then i take the necessary action. if there is lack of action i let it go.

and talking about it to someone else without finding any solution to me is gossip. if it was to find out what to do or if your hunch was correct then yes i would look for advide. but then i wouldnt call it judging. its when you are forming an opinion without any hard facts that's waht i dont like to do. but then i do listen to my warnings from my gut.

many times i can pick up on things even though everything looks good on the outside. i can tell when parents are not being genuine when they show love towards their child. so really its not for me to tell you. its what you feel in your heart. and so in meditation i send out love to the child and parent - because they both need it.

i look at the world where no one is doing any wrong. or let me say i try to. i believe everyone is trying to do the best job they can. they may be failing horribly but they dont realise that. esp. in parenting.

so i always try to look at both perspectives.

for me its more important to connect with people rather than pass judgement on them. some get me really angry, but some really bring out the compassion deep within me.

[fairymom]

I simpily try not to jugde others because I don't like to be judged myself- kind of the do unto others thing.I am not the other person and don't know what they may be walking thru at this point in their lives. If I see consistant behavior I disagree with, I can choose what actions I may take. As for what children say that its only their side and I don't always know what the other side is and what people say about one person may be influenced by their own feelings at that very moment.

[Storm Bride]

I have a problem with being too judgmental of other parents, and I would have trouble not judging in this case. It sounds as though he's very negative about his stepson in both the way he talks about him and the way he treats him...soooo not cool. I'm probably biased, because I had a very close childhood friend whose stepdad treated her like crap, and her mom made excuses for it, and it's really screwed her up. So...yeah - I'd probably be pretty judgmental in this situation. I realize being a step-parent is hard work - harder than being a "regular" parent, many ways - but if a person can't treat their stepchild with basic respect, they really shouldn't be there...

I have a big problem when people judge on "snapshots", but that doesn't sound like it's what you're doing, yk?

[RadUnschooler]

It is hard not to judge. I read somewhere that we all do it to everyone we meet within the first 2 minutes of meeting them. I wasn't so much judging him as discussing my displeasure of his treatment of the kid.
I like all the viewpoints here,they are helpful!

[chipper26]

Originally Posted by limabean

I would agree if she were expressing her feelings to the dad in question; however, she was just venting to a friend.

The whole "judging" thing is blown so out of proportion sometimes. Since when did it become judgmental (in a bad way) to say that name-calling, cursing, and berating a child is wrong? Someone on MDC has a siggy that says something like "Not all judgment is wrong," and I agree -- that word shouldn't only have a negative connotation.

:

[SmoothieMom]

I don't think you are judging, I think you just have an opinion of this fellow that the is your right.

[chipper26]

Originally Posted by ChetMC

Without a more detailed description, all I can say is don't judge. It doesn't matter so much what a parent says. What matters is what the child hears and how they feel.

I know families where cursing and swearing are just how they talk. Names that sound horrible are terms of endearment. If the child feels loved, cared for and valued, and their needs are being met, it's okay.

I realise it sounds bizarre, but I do know parents who, by all white, liberal, middle class, read-all-the-parenting-books standards are horrible parents, but their kids still know that they're loved and valued, and they're turning out fine. Day to day small picture these people look messed up, but they get the big stuff right.

I think this is rare.

[mammal_mama]

This following part just makes me go, ugh --

Originally Posted by RadUnschooler

and she said that i shouldn't judge him. That there are people trained to do that and gave me a lecture.

Your friend is not opposing certain people judging other people -- she is commiting the very snobbish and yucky practice of designating certain people as being "above" us, and therefore qualified to judge us.

If i see him do this constantly it's wrong for me to think he's not a good dad? what's your opinion?

Maybe I'm too hung up on semantics, but I prefer saying that what he's doing is bad parenting, rather than labeling him a bad parent. I realize some will say, "What's the difference?" -- but I see more hope for a "good" person with "bad" habits, than I do for someone I've already dismissed as bad through-and-though.

But, I see absolutely no problem with you making the judgment that how he's treating his son is unkind, disrespectul, and wrong. As a human being, you're qualified to make these judgments, regardless of your training and credentials. As is the child himself.

[pauletoy]

I think you are certainly entitled to your opinion on his behavior and treatment of his son.

Opinion crosses the line into judgement went one starts labeling and name calling thus focusing on the person rather than the actions of the person.

[fairymom]

I wanted to comment on your friend's comment. Iam not trying to be snarky here maybe just opening another train of thought. I apalolgize before hand if I offend you.

Could it be a pattern of behavior for you and your friend? Maybe she feels that when you are together you judge others and talk too much about how others act? And she was looking for a way to bring it to your attention because it makes her uncomfortable and doesn't know how else to tell you?
Are you more angry about the mans actions or the fact that your friend disagreed with you?

Please no flames- trying to play devil's advocate here.

[Super Glue Mommy]

I judge people's choices all the time. I know all people have good in them, so I try not to judge the person. I see nothing wrong with "judging" the behavior. I also realize its my personal judgement and that doesn't mean what they are doing is bad, just that *I* see what they are doing as bad.

if someone told me not to judge I'd just shrug it off and tell them to take their own advice. She was judging you for judging. I know people judge me all the time. I don't really understand the whole "you shouldn't judge" people thing. why shouldn't I form an opinion on someone's actions? they are forming an opinion on my choice to judge - that makes then just as 'bad' (normal) as me.

[flower01]

This is such an interesting topic. On this site in particular, I feel people "feel judged" way too often. and people are always saying stuff like "well, I don't judge because I know I'm not perfect." Well, good for you - i'm glad you're so good that you NEVER think judgemental thoughts about another's actions. It just feels a little self-righteous to me. I hate that I try to say something about MY beliefs and a bunch of people jump on and say "well, you shouldn't judge."

From a Christian perspective, it is right and good for us to judge actions. I certainly do not label people "bad" for making bad choices, but I do think that illegal, immoral, and abusive actions should be "called out." I'm personally going through a really tough situation - estranged from my mom because she made some really bad choices - she was abusive - physically & emotionally. And she continues to treat people in manipulative ways. I look back at my childhood sometimes and think - shouldn't some adult have looked at our situation and called her on her "poor" choices. She probably would have felt judged, but for good reason - she doesn't treat people right. I guess what I'm getting at is that people are so afraid to "judge" that "wrongs" are never "righted." Sometimes a good person is making a bad choice without knowing it, and someone in a loving, non-judgmental way needs to step-in and help them see that their actions are harmful.

[PlayaMama]

i'm not sure about this and it's something i've been thinking about a lot.

there are so many things i thought i would never do that i've done as a parent and it seems like as soon as i say, "i would never....." i'm put in a situation where i find myself doing exactly that. of course, i'm talking about allowing any form of sugar before five and tv time not beating my kids or calling them names.
so i find it's hard to say someone is a "bad" anything until i'm in their situation, though i do think that someone who does those things is a bad parent.

i think i've also felt a lot of judgment in my life, mostly by christian folk (no offense to anyone of that religious persuasion i know not all christians are judgmental) and though i did have piercings and tattoos it doesn't mean that i deserve to be looked at like i'm a horrible person for being pregnant, or that i need to be talked to about your "personal savior"

so i guess i'm hesitant to judge but i do it at the same time? how's that for an answer