How do you stay patient and keep from getting stressed?

[mrsfrenchy]

All in all, I consider myself a pretty laid back person. And with DD (7 months), I normally am.

But, like everyone, you have those days where you just don't feel like putting up with things. For example, last week I was really sick, we came home from school (I'm finishing my degree). She was tired and just wanted momma after being away from me all day. I hadn't eaten all day and was generally feeling crappy. While I was trying to fix dinner, she wasn't content to play on the floor, in the exersaucer ()or in her high chair. She just wanted to be held--and since I was cooking with oil, I couldn't really hold her.

Anyway long story short, after trying to keep her occupied while I was cooking by singing, playing peek-a-boo, etc., she just kept fussing. I ended up snapping at her and telling her to stop crying (in a rather harsh tone).

I don't have these days really frequently, but it happens more often than I'd like (maybe 1/week--depending on the week). I always feel awful afterwards and I know that with an older kid, speaking in that tone would've really hurt them or taken them aback.

What do you guys do to keep your stress level in check on days when the kids just don't seem happy with anything, or when your patience is thin?? Any tips and suggestions?

[orangefoot]

I'm pretty patient too but I don't always deal well with crying

What you are describing is what happens when a few things get out of whack and you feel that one thing (cooking) is more important to bring everything back into balance than holding your dd even though she wants that. That is no bad thing and sometimes you have to make a strategic decision to get fed and feel better.

That said, cooking while holding a babe is not a big no-no to me if that is what they need. Or thinking about something that can cook on its own (like rice or pasta) so I can placate someone then fry something later to go with it once said person is calmer can be an option. Sticking the little person in a sling or on the counter next to you with food in their hand can also help.

Other times you just have to put the little one's needs ahead of your own and although that is hard when you aren't wanting to do that sometimes it is just what has to be done.

As you go along you will be able to predict these pinch points in your day and develop some strategies to deal with them so you don't feel so out of control. It's a steep learning curve but hang on in there!

[chipper26]

:

[pauletoy]

Oh, I hope some wise mama will answer. I got left out when patience was handed out.

[mrsfrenchy]

Originally Posted by orangefoot

That said, cooking while holding a babe is not a big no-no to me if that is what they need. Or thinking about something that can cook on its own (like rice or pasta) so I can placate someone then fry something later to go with it once said person is calmer can be an option. Sticking the little person in a sling or on the counter next to you with food in their hand can also help.

I totally wish this had been an option at the time! It was one of those days when I didn't have anything else in the house I could cook. If I did--believe me--I would've reached for the least labor intensive meal possible.
I don't mind holding her while I cook, but stuff that has grease that pops up or sauces that get really bubbly worry me. I know it hurts me to get burnt like that. Plus, now she has started to try and reach down while I'm holding her to grab the skillet handle.

Anyway, it's not always cooking that is the issue. It's getting dressed, or finding a game that's suitable, or she drops her last paci somewhere and I can't find it and she's freaking out---stuff like that happens and I just feel like I can't handle it, you know?

I just don't want her to get older and I start really taking it out on her--when its really the situation and not her specifically that is making me angry/frustrated.

[momtoS]

Will she go in sling on your back?

What about while cooking let her play with some large utensils?

[lurve]

i have a beer

[aprons_and_acorns]

Deep breathing, when I remember to do it in those crazy-making moments, helps a TON.

[snoopy5386]

yeah, I raise my voice and I think that is ok. I think it is ok for my DD to see a full range of human emotions including anger and frustration. She feels angry and frustrated sometimes and I think it is good for her to see adults feeling that way too. In a way I am modeling for her on how to deal with those feelings. I try to deal with her the best I can, I always apologize afterwards if I yell at her, but I see nothing wrong with saying "Mommy is feeling frustrated because _______". Just talk to her, tell you are right there, you'll be with her soon, you are doing x now so that you can do y with her. When she gets older you can problem solve with her. Sometimes it is best to just shut up and do whatever you are doing as fast as you can to just get it done so you can deal with them. But seriously it is ok to get dressed, pee, cook, whatever and feel frustrated or angry because your DD would rather you not do those things right now.

[SkyMomma]

nak
I agree with snoopy...we need to know that there will be those days, that our children learn from how we deal with our own very real frustrations & tough days. I like the suggestion to explain (even to your 7 month old) how you were feeling & why. It sounds like you were really tuned in to both your daughter's needs & your own. Another PP mentioned that balancing act of needs that we are all negotiating - & knowing that there will be times when both can not be met in the same moment. That being said...here's some suggestions:

* Stop & take a breath. Even with the baby crying & that feeling of "I just need to....", and older child yelling "mama mama wipe please" from the bathroom - just stop. take a breath. let your shoulders drop. then deal.

* Taking care of ourselves so that we can take care of our babies is crucial. I try to have food on hand that is an instant snack for myself & DS1 for those low blood sugar - fussy baby moments. fruit. carrots. Peanut butter. hummus. You know. Eating an apple while visiting with your LO may have given you both enough fortification to make it through dinner. For me, self-care also means a little bit of me time (sometimes only 15 minutes ). A shower. A walk outside. Making sure these things happen everyday gives me the resilience I need to be a (mostly) patient mama.

* Reconnect. I have the most patience when I feel the most connected to my children. Sometimes that means just dropping everything to really pay attention, to smile, to just look at my beautiful boys. Realizing how important this is for our whole family has hugely helped us have a better, easier, less stressful life.

* Anticipate - in your post you observed all the components that made up this stressful evening. You needed to eat. Your DD needed to connect. When DS1 was a baby & I was working (part-time), I knew that when I got home he would need to marathon nurse, so I would plan for that. Now he needs to have some mama attention when he gets picked up from Kinder -- so we've built that into our day.

* Recognize that fussing babies are stressful! We are hard-wired to respond to the sound of a crying baby. When we can't, we have a physiological response - our adrenal gland activates, milk lets down, etc. I think that my most stressful times are when the conflicting needs within myself are strong - my need to respond to my baby, versus my need to respond to DS1, versus my need for what I need. Ugh!

* The sling. Seriously. Dinner time is major fussy baby time for us. I am always preparing dinner for DS1 & myself with DS2 in the sling. When I need to use oil, etc, I rotate him onto my back. OTherwise he's on my hip. It's the only way.