When did they just...go to bed?

[ProtoLawyer]

Posting in here because based on how bedtime has been for the last 4+ years (since I've known my stepdaughter), it's not gonna be anytime that qualifies as "childhood years."

When were you able to kiss your kids goodnight, turn out the light (or let them read and decide when to turn out the light) and that was that? Or even kiss them good night in another room entirely, and send them up to their room by themselves?

I know for some, kids falling asleep by themselves is bittersweet...but my SD's bedtimes are atrocious more often than not and really, we're over getting toys thrown at us if we suggest the wrong book, getting told Mommy's better (her mom gets told Daddy's better, so this isn't unique to here), getting accused of hating her for refusing her a bedtime cupcake or making her take her asthma meds or disallowing the Nintendo DS in bed, etc. So we're really OK with her falling asleep independently.

When did it happen for your kids?

[CarrieMF]

My kids are 6, 7 & 10. They've all done it since they were 3-4. Bedtime has been the same since they were babies. There are no if, ands or buts about it. If they try using drinks & the bathroom as ways to delay bedtime they're told ONCE that it's into bed.

If she throws toys at you for suggesting the wrong book, she misses the book for that night & loses the toy(s) she throws. Let her choose the book, she gets 2 minutes to pick one(set a timer) & if one isn't picked out she loses the book for that night.

If she says Mommy is better(or at mom's, Daddy is better), downplay it. Say something like "oh is she" & move on to the next step. She doesn't think Mommy is better, she thinks saying that is going to get her way.

If she thinks you hate her counter it & say "I'll always love you" & move onto the next step.

It doesn't sound like she won't fall asleep independantly but that she is trying to have control over what happens & quite possibly if she delays it enough that she'll get to stay up later.

Once you, dh, mom & if there's a step dad, him get on the same page of what you agree can & cannot happen at bedtime, you all need to be firm each night. Remind her of the rules of bedtime. She'll throw fits but she'll start to realize you all mean business & it'll get better.

The nights she does go without complaint(or much) you can reward her, let her lay in bed(by herself) for 10 minutes with a book or the DS.

[PikkuMyy]

I'll come back with some ideas but I would not allow video games in bed. They have the tendency to suck kids into playing far past when their bodies are ready for sleep. And then you have to deal with the repercussions of stopping her in the middle of a game when the 10 minutes are up.

I don't have a problem with letting kids read by themselves until they are sleepy or listening to music to fall asleep.

[TwinsTwicePlusTwo]

This is such a variable thing, and it must be mostly based on personality because I've used the same techniques with all my kids and gotten vastly different results. I have two kids who still won't just go to bed when they're supposed to, but it's my 9yos, not my 4yos, lol. We had horrible bedtime battles with both of them when they were little, and we probably would still fight if I cared enough to bother, but they're homeschooled so if they want to stay up til midnight then whatever.

I think CarrieMF had great ideas on how to make your bedtime routine more effective. I also want to point out that kids need different amounts of sleep, so make sure your stepdaughter is actually tired when she's being put to bed. No kid is going to take kindly to being forced into bed when they're not tired.

[orangefoot]

Our dd is just six and has been going to bed on her own for a year or so. She takes herself up stairs and does her teeth (I monitor the morning brushing but often not the night) It can take her a good half an hour or more to settle so we just let her potter about, sort out this and that, listen to storytapes or read her a story and then leave her be. I think she often gets up again after wee have left her after reading but I don't nag her or make her stay in bed as long as she isn't bothering her brothers.

Her bedtime is around 9-10pm but she doesn't need to go to school so its not a problem

[annethcz]

By age 4-5, depending on the child. I tucked my 5, 7, 8, and 9yos into bed about 20 minutes ago. Two of them are already asleep, two of them are in bed quietly reading.

[AAK]

I still TELL my 9 and 6 yr old when it is time (as they wouldn't bother going to bed at all if I didn't tell them to) but they they brush teeth, go potty, get jammies on, and (if they do that quickly enough) read a book. I do come in and give them kisses/hugs and say good night. I turn off the light. This started happening around 3-4 yrs old. But, back then, I always read the book. Now, I only sometimes do the reading. Oh, and if my 9 yr old can't fall asleep (she is like her momma) I do let her read in bed.

My 3 yr old is NOT there yet.

Amy

[talk de jour]

I read myself to sleep starting at 3-4.

[lolar2]

I went to boarding school and they enforced a required bedtime through ninth grade. After that, we just had dorm curfew and it was up to us to go to bed when we thought we should.

[Ruthla]

For DS, we have a bedtime routine that includes a bedtime snack, then toothbrushing (putting on pajamas can be before, after, or between those two) then snuggle time- sometimes he wants a book as part of snuggle time, sometimes he just wants to snuggle. I've recently given an "end time" for snuggle time, because he kept dragging things out. Now, bedtime is 8:30 and snuggle time ends at 9:00. The sooner he's ready for bed, the longer we get to snuggle. If he doesn't get into bed until 8:56 or later, he's guaranteed 5 minutes of snuggle time no matter what (after being over-wound and up too late, he simply won't settle down without SOME snuggling!)

I can't remember exactly when my daughters started going to bed independently. They were in and out of my bed until I got pg with DS and needed more space (they were 5.5 and 7 when he was born.) Then, after he was born, I was busy nursing him to bed every night, and they were invited to come snuggle with us before bed (before going to their own beds) for as long as they needed to do so. They outgrew the need gradually- snuggling for shorter periods at night, skipping a night here and there- now they might want to snuggle for 5 minutes a couple of times a month, but by no means is it a regular thing (but even at 12 and 14 they still need to snuggle sometimes!)

It sounds to me like your SDD needs some more structure at bedtime- preferably rules that are decided by all the parents in her life (does she also have a stepdad at mom's house?) so there's consistency. You need a very strict "no Nintendo in bed" rule that gets followed everywhere, and, better yet, a "no nintendo for the half hour before bedtime" rule as well. There needs to be consistency about "you throw a book/toy, you lose it" and "If you throw things at me, I'm going to leave the room to keep myself safe, so I won't be able to snuggle/rub your back/read to you/etc."

I'm wondering about the bedtime medication. I know that some asthma meds have side effects similar to caffeine- waking kids up, making them irritable and bouncy, etc. Is this a side effect of the particular medication she's on? If so, could the dose be given earlier in the day? Would a different medication (without this side effect) be appropriate for her? Could she be given something to help her calm down and sleep to counter-act this side effect?

[Annapooh]

Routine routine routine.... how many nights a week is she with you? How long have the two of you been married? I imagine she has a heightened need to "define" her life and boundaries, which is common for kids at this age anyway. I have a DD-7. As well as DD-15, and DS-13. The oder two have been told a bedtime for a while now... DD-15 is in high school now, she is told to be in her room by... and how late she stays up is up to her, but she must be up and ready in the morning with a good attitude after school. As for the DD-7, we do jammies, teeth, she reads to me a short book from school, I read to her a book she chooses. Then, she is in bed, and she can look at books for a while, with soft music playing. Even if this isn't what happens at mom's house, she is old enough to know there are different rules, routines, etc. at each home. It did take a while to get this routine established, but the crying/fits will stop eventually when she realizes you mean what you say. Sometimes I swear, they are looking for that boundary to be there, even when they try to cross it. It will help teach her to trust you when you establish and maintain your rules. I would start with a little sit down talk earlier in the day to discuss what bedtime has been like, what isn't ok, and how things are going to change. Focus on the positive i.e. you haven't been liking the books we pick so from now on, you get to pick your book. (stick to that 2 min suggested) Sorry so long-winded, good luck!