How would you tell a child their sib is actually a half-sibling?

[mrsfrenchy]

Another thread in here reminded me of this, so I decided to see if you guys have any input.

My dad is on his 3rd marriage. My mom was his first. She's not in the picture and never had been. His second wife has just recently stepped back into the picture, but she's only in contact with me and DH and DD, not with my dad (although he knows we talk). His 3rd wife is the person I call "mom;" they've been married about 14 years now.

My "mom" and my dad have a 11 year old daughter together who knows nothing about this situation. Unless she's figured it out and not said anything about it (which I don't think is likely), then she has no clue that her mom is not technically my mom.

I've pressed my dad in the past to tell her about this. He responded by saying that when people adopt, they often don't tell the child until they are 12ish that they are adopted and this situation is similar in his opinion. I told him I think that is silly--if I adopted, my child would be raised knowing the truth from the beginning.

Who knows when they'll actually tell her.
I just don't feel that its my place to come out and say that to her.

So my 2 questions are:

1. if this was your DD and you hadn't told her yet, how would you tell her now, at 11 y/o?

2. as her big sister, what do you think I need to say/do when she finds out about it to make her feel ok about everything (being lied to, etc.)?

[fairymom]

My children are some halves- my 2 eldest are full as aare the 3 middle and lo due in April will have no full sibs (he will be mine and dh 1st and only).My oldest have multiple half sib thru their father too. They know they are all tech 1/2s but don't label each other that- they are all just bros/sises.

I grew up with a step-sis and our parents had a son he's my bro- again as an adult I don't label.I only explain to others if I feel like it- I just call them my sibs too.

I think your sis my already have an idea but it doesn't matter to her.She's 11 right their pretty smart about stuff like that now anyways.

I think I'd just let it go- why put a label on your relationship! And I would respect your father's parenting right. He raised you to be a cappable adult right? Think of it in this positive way- he isn't labeling your relationship with your sister and that may keep you guys close as she ages!

When it comes out she may or my not be surprised or hurt, it could just be added info she processes quickly and moves on.If it does happen you could just say to her it doesn't change anything between you two.She is still your sis as much and her mom is just as much your "mom" (you call her that yourself) as before. You could also explain to her its more of an impact on you (like if you were adopted) than on her.

I hope it isn't as negative as you think it'll be.

[mrsfrenchy]

Originally Posted by fairymom

My children are some halves- my 2 eldest are full as aare the 3 middle and lo due in April will have no full sibs (he will be mine and dh 1st and only).My oldest have multiple half sib thru their father too. They know they are all tech 1/2s but don't label each other that- they are all just bros/sises.

I grew up with a step-sis and our parents had a son he's my bro- again as an adult I don't label.I only explain to others if I feel like it- I just call them my sibs too.

I think your sis my already have an idea but it doesn't matter to her.She's 11 right their pretty smart about stuff like that now anyways.

I think I'd just let it go- why put a label on your relationship! And I would respect your father's parenting right. He raised you to be a cappable adult right? Think of it in this positive way- he isn't labeling your relationship with your sister and that may keep you guys close as she ages!

When it comes out she may or my not be surprised or hurt, it could just be added info she processes quickly and moves on.If it does happen you could just say to her it doesn't change anything between you two.She is still your sis as much and her mom is just as much your "mom" (you call her that yourself) as before. You could also explain to her its more of an impact on you (like if you were adopted) than on her.

I hope it isn't as negative as you think it'll be.

Thanks for the input!

I definitely don't want to label our relationship, because like you said, it doesn't change anything.

I just know that, for me at least, at that pre-teen age, I would have felt very lied to and betrayed, regardless of how I felt about my sibling. I would have lost a lot of trust in my parents.

[FullMetalMom]

I gotta say, I read the title of the thread and thought "what's the big deal?" That's because I have a half sister and have always known she had a different dad, and it never occurred to me that it could be an issue with someone that they didn't know someone was their half-sib instead of their full-sib. My sister (I consider her to be my "sister" whether she is half or full) lived with us on and off, sometimes with my mom and sometimes with her dad. She is 13 years older than me.

I think your dad is being ridiculous and that he and his wife must feel some kind of shame or something to actually go to the lengths of not admitting the reality of the situation. I honestly cannot fathom lying to someone about something so trivial. IMO, honesty is the best policy in this situation. I think it is very unhealthy for the parents and the child to live in a situation where some reality about the family situation is being hidden. When your sis finds out this will undoubtedly cause her to wonder what the heck is wrong with having a half sibling or having been married before.

Also, just a thought, if I were the "lied about child" (ie, you), I would be very insulted. It is as if you father is embarrassed that he made a child with another woman and doesn't want to admit it to his daughter. You should tell him that your sister is your sister, whether she is half or full.

[mrsfrenchy]

Originally Posted by FullMetalMom

I think your dad is being ridiculous and that he and his wife must feel some kind of shame or something to actually go to the lengths of not admitting the reality of the situation. I honestly cannot fathom lying to someone about something so trivial. IMO, honesty is the best policy in this situation. I think it is very unhealthy for the parents and the child to live in a situation where some reality about the family situation is being hidden. When your sis finds out this will undoubtedly cause her to wonder what the heck is wrong with having a half sibling or having been married before.

:
There is a *great* amount of shame and denial in my family that there have been previous marriages. It is something that is *never ever* brought up, even when it's just the two of us. I'm 21 and few months ago, for the first time in my life, he showed me a picture of my "real" mom. When filling out forms for school, my step-mom would always write her name under "bio-parent". I got in big trouble in 4th grade when I told my teacher that my dad had been previously married. Its this huge taboo thing in my family and that is why I'm afraid of the affect it will have on my little sister. KWIM?

[AngelBee]

I think how it will affect her all depends on how the adults act about it.

I am surprised they have not told her since birth. That just makes things goofy.

What is most important is that she knows family is about love, not genetics. And full, half, step all can mean the same thing.....someone who loves you unconditionally!

[KaraBoo]

I would respect his wishes. He is the parent, after all.

In our family, we use the word "sibling" to refer to "half-sibs" but everyone (the kids included) knows the children have diff. mothers/fathers. We just don't draw attention to it because it's known. There's no reason to hammer the point.

[kblackstone444]

Technically, I have two half brothers and a half sister (from my Mother's side- more half brothers from my Father's side, but that's a different post all together). I was never told that they were my "half brothers" and my "half sister", they were just my sister and brothers, only they had different Fathers. It was never a surprise to us, it was just something we knew from the beginning- either you're siblings or you're not, nobody is half part or your family and half not part of your family.

[MusicianDad]

When I was growing up it was just common knowledge to me and my brother that we had different moms.

I think that when you sister does find out, it will probably be your path to take to not make a huge deal about having different moms. Instead just show her that sisters are sisters no matter if they have the same bio parents or not.

[aprons_and_acorns]

If she's eleven, her parents have been married for 14 years, and you are in your twenties, it seems like in the very near future she will just naturally put it all together and have some questions. I don't have any advice about it but I think you are right to stress that you are the same sister and you have the same feelings for each other and relationship even if you don't have the same mom.

[karemore]

I would think she'd notice that family photos started when you were already however old?

I'd think she'd notice that her mom has birth stories of her, but not of you?

As someone mentioned she must notice her parents have been married 14 years but you are older than that......

It seems like a deep dark secret since it's being hidden. I'd be afraid that she's going to blame you as much as them when she finds out. At the same time it sounds like you don't dare upset your dad.

I'd just make sure you tell her it wasn't your idea to keep it from her when the truth finally comes out.

Sorry this is weighing on you!! HOpe all goes well for all of you.

[Mary-Beth]

You could be open and honest with her. One possible way is to begin discussing your birth experience and maybe say something about remembering when she was born and how sometimes you wish you could talk to your birth mother to find out what it was like for her when she gave birth to you...then you could say something positive about your mom (your Dad's wife) as it sounds like she's been your Mom and embraced you fully...

I hope it all goes well.

[Jessy1019]

Editing . . . totally read that wrong!!

I think you should just be honest with her.

I wouldn't have gotten into that situation in the first place, but since you're already there, she deserves to know the truth.

[lilyka]

Do you know for certain she doesn't know. I mean , like someone said, this isn't rocket science. maybe she just doesn't care.

[Tigerchild]

Originally Posted by mrsfrenchy

I've pressed my dad in the past to tell her about this. He responded by saying that when people adopt, they often don't tell the child until they are 12ish that they are adopted and this situation is similar in his opinion.

As an adoptee this makes me see red. What a selfish, stupid thing to say! And he's full of BS too. There are scads of literature out there saying that in fact hiding a child's biological origins and faking things is extremely detrimental to them when they do find out. Ever since the 70s it's been standard advice to have your child growing up with that knowledge. Maybe you could show him that.

I'd call his BS on the adoption bit. And I'd tell them that if she asks you won't lie, and that you're not going to lie to your kids. I don't know if I would proactively tell her right away. I can't imagine what I'd do in that situation, because if either of my adoptive parents asked me to lie about myself and my sister, a bio-daughter, it would feel like they were spitting in my face and I can't say I'd bother to have a relationship with someone that was willing to make something as simply dealt with as blood relations a fantasy world just to not have to have a 15 minute uncomfortable discussion.

I think though that you face a more difficult decision though. Do you know that they won't just cut you out of your sister's life in order to preserve the lie? That seems like it'd be a very difficult decision.

You can't predict how she will feel WHEN she finds out. She might just shrug, she might just be pissed at your parents, or she might include everyone who knew and lied to her. Different people react different ways. I have *never* known any adoptee who found out 'later' that they were adopted (close to or after adulthood) who did not feel immensely crushed and betrayed. You can't "make it all better." No one can do that, if that's how she feels, *she* has to work it out. That's the problem. And it only gets worse, in my observation, the longer it goes on. Because it is humiliating and hurtful and mindboggling to have your entire family lie to you about something like that, to have everyone know but you. And the more aware you are of the depth and just stupidity of the deception (the older you get) the more senseless it seems.