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weird experience today.  

post #1 of 71
2/14/09 at 12:28am
Thread Starter 
Okay so today we were at the local public play center.

My daughter and another girl were both playing with a large dollhouse. The girl started grabbing things from my daughter and pushing her. She told my daughter that she wanted to play with the ENTIRE dollhouse herself.

She got upset when my daughter didn't leave.

She yelled to her mom. And her mom said "what do you say when you want to play with something all by yourself."

So the girl said "Please I want to play with this by myself"

And my daughter didn't leave.

So the girl started to get upset and told her mom again. And her mom said" What do we say when children don't listen to us?"

The girl,tearing up said. "We tell an adult"

The mom...looked at me, I think fully expecting me to tell my daughter that she could not play at the dollhouse center.

Instead I held my ground. OUR RULE IS that the play center is for all the children and all the toys are for everyone and the my children must share and take turns. No pushing or grabbing toys.

So the little girl (5 years old), started bawling her eyes out on her moms lap.

My question is....how could I have or should I have dealt with this? I mean, it would you tell your child that because another child didn't have to share that they had to give up a toy that they were playing nicely with? Would you have said somthing to the mom?
post #2 of 71
2/14/09 at 12:34am
I feel really sad for that other little girl. Obviously, she was just playing out the script that her mom had taught her.

Honestly, I would have taken my kid aside (I'm assuming your little girl is around 5 as well?) and explained to her that this other little girl was having a rough time and wanted to play alone, and would she be willing to show love and let her have a wish. And then I would have explained to the other little girl that my daughter wanted a turn with it as well, and could she please let us know when she was finished.

But yeah, it sounds like a really awkward set-up by the other mother.
post #3 of 71
2/14/09 at 12:37am
Wow. Who died and made that mom Queen of the World?

What a horrible experience. You were right for standing your ground. Your daughter needs to see that the sharing rules apply to everyone. That girl (the other lady's daughter) needs to see that she lives in a society full of lots of other people, with just as much right to its limited resources (in this case, the fun doll house) as she has.

Sometimes I wonder what planet other people are from.
post #4 of 71
2/14/09 at 12:40am
I would have done the same. If it had been a ball or some other 'one person' toy it would be different and I would encourage them to take turns but IMO a large toy in a public place isn't something you can expect to claim as your territory and push other kids away from. I wouldn't allow my child to do it, at any rate.
If you were talking about toddlers I might even try to get my child to do something else for awhile when tears broke out but at 5 y.o.? Not so much.
post #5 of 71
2/14/09 at 12:43am
Quote:
Originally Posted by annettemarie View Post
I feel really sad for that other little girl. Obviously, she was just playing out the script that her mom had taught her.

Honestly, I would have taken my kid aside (I'm assuming your little girl is around 5 as well?) and explained to her that this other little girl was having a rough time and wanted to play alone, and would she be willing to show love and let her have a wish. And then I would have explained to the other little girl that my daughter wanted a turn with it as well, and could she please let us know when she was finished.

But yeah, it sounds like a really awkward set-up by the other mother.
This.....except I would have talked to my child loud enough for the other mother to hear that I was explaining that the other child was having a hard time sharing the community toys.
post #6 of 71
2/14/09 at 12:44am
Quote:
Originally Posted by Girlo View Post
This.....except I would have talked to my child loud enough for the other mother to hear that I was explaining that the other child was having a hard time sharing the community toys.
I get the urge to that, but I just really have compassion for this other child, who was only doing what she'd been taught. From the OP's description, I get the feeling she was really struggling with this. I wouldn't have gone out of my way to make her uncomfortable or teach her a lesson.
post #7 of 71
2/14/09 at 12:50am
Quote:
Originally Posted by momtoS View Post
The mom...looked at me, I think fully expecting me to tell my daughter that she could not play at the dollhouse center.

Instead I held my ground. OUR RULE IS that the play center is for all the children and all the toys are for everyone and the my children must share and take turns. No pushing or grabbing toys.

So the little girl (5 years old), started bawling her eyes out on her moms lap.

My question is....how could I have or should I have dealt with this? I mean, it would you tell your child that because another child didn't have to share that they had to give up a toy that they were playing nicely with? Would you have said somthing to the mom?
I would have said something to the little girl, loud enough for mom, like "I'm sorry, these toys are for everyone to share, and right now she wants to play as well." Community toys are for everyone, and it's not okay to say that you don't want to share them...at that point HER mom should have been over there saying the same thing, directing her to another toy, or even bringing her at a less busy time, instead of expecting everyone else on the planet to bow down to HER wishes. That's just odd.
post #8 of 71
2/14/09 at 1:06am
It sounds like you and your DD had a close encounter with Veruca Salt, LOL. I am sorry to say that I probably would have just tried to distract DS into playing with another toy. I avoid conflict and that kind of awkwardness to a fault though. And my son is really easygoing about stuff. This thread has made me wonder what I'm really teaching him though when I back off so easily instead of being assertive.
post #9 of 71
2/14/09 at 1:14am
Thread Starter 
It was very ackward for me. I had no idea what to do. The way the mom was talking seemed as though she wanted me to step in and tell dd to leave that area.

If I told dd that she had to leave because that girl wanted to play alone.....well....the next we went my daughter would have a meltdown saying that she wanted another kid to leave because she wanted to play alone. I don't want to deal with that.
post #10 of 71
2/14/09 at 1:30am
That is so strange.

I probably would have just reassured my child that it was ok for her to play with a community toy and ignored the skit the girl and her mom were playing.

I mean really, if I were at the park and the little girl wanted all the swings or the slide, I wouldn't make my child stop playing.

I would not participate in over indulgence.
post #11 of 71
2/14/09 at 1:31am
Quote:
Originally Posted by momtoS View Post

So the girl said "Please I want to play with this by myself"

And my daughter didn't leave.
Just playing devil's advocate here I guess... but, when you saw that the little girl wasn't up for sharing, and she stated her need (scripted or not) to play by herself, why did you continue to encourage your daughter to try to "share" the dollhouse?

I suppose since it was a public play area, both your daughter & the other girl had "rights" to the dollhouse... but were it me, I'd have explained to your daughter that the other little girl wasn't currently feeling like sharing (as she said both in word & deed), then peacefully encouraged your daughter to move on to something else. She really didn't want to share, why force the issue? I wouldn't want to encourage any hostility - either in the girls or between you & the mother.

I don't ever see the benefit of forcing children to share. In our house, if either of my children are really not up for sharing, that's their right. I remind them to state their wishes clearly (as opposed to snatching or blocking), and if the other sibling still really wants to play with what they are playing with, I encourage them to offer a trade, OR, to go play with the toy in another place, in order not to be "teasing" the other child by playing with something they can't have. They realize that not sharing usually isn't fun (because they end up having to play alone or play with something they didn't really want to).

But stepping in as a parent, insisting that the children share, doesn't help either child problem solve. And certainly making snide comments either to the mother, or to your child about the other child/mother serves no positive purpose whatsoever, and really contradicts the whole idea of sharing (which is cooperation, working together, etc.)... I'm really surprised to hear mothers suggest that.
post #12 of 71
2/14/09 at 1:37am
Quote:
Originally Posted by Multimomma View Post
I would have said something to the little girl, loud enough for mom, like "I'm sorry, these toys are for everyone to share, and right now she wants to play as well." Community toys are for everyone, and it's not okay to say that you don't want to share them...at that point HER mom should have been over there saying the same thing, directing her to another toy, or even bringing her at a less busy time, instead of expecting everyone else on the planet to bow down to HER wishes. That's just odd.
:

Although it's not the little girl's fault that her mom hasn't taught her how to behave fairly with community property, and I'd have a hard time being loud and obnoxious about it b/c it would hurt her feelings, she does need to know. The mom does, too, because it sounds like she's probably not giving her daughter necessary tools.

Now if, after a comment like Multimomma's, if there is more ill behavior on the part of the little girl and/or her clueless mommy, I would probably guide my daughter away from the dollhouse, with a loud "why don't we play over here in the play kitchen? {insert protests about fairness from my child} . . . *You're right,* it's not fair, but for some reason the girl's mommy thinks it's okay to not help her daughter learn to cooperate (or play fair, or whatever). Why don't we just try to avoid them?"

Also, if this was at one of those indoor playgrounds where you have to pay to get in, I would have complained to the management. Perhaps they would have stepped in and spoken to the mother, explaining that toys must be shared.
post #13 of 71
2/14/09 at 1:37am
A few weeks ago we had a similar encounter in a book store. The other girl kept taking things from my daughter and putting them back saying, "NOT FOR YOU." I gave the dad three chances to step in, then I'd had enough. I got down on my knees, took the toy back from her and gave it to my daughter and said, "Yes, she can have this, these are for everyone to look at. Can I help you reach something else or would you like me to find you one of the same?" Dad didn't like it but oh well. The girls played, if not exaclty together then peacefully along side each other.

It makes me sad that the daughter in the OP's post was set up by her mother to be so disappointed, but I would not be helping her OR my daughter in any way if we caved. And I do not want to teach my daughter to just cave when someone else is being demanding. I'm happy to model working together or finding solutions and if the other child in my situation and I want my daughter to stand up for herself (something I didn't learn till adulthood).
post #14 of 71
2/14/09 at 1:41am
It is really interesting how we all focus on different aspects of this. I would have seen it more as an opportunity to teach my own child about compassion than an opportunity to teach someone else's child about sharing.
post #15 of 71
2/14/09 at 1:43am
Thread Starter 
Okay....

Why didn't I get dd distracted or move to another toy?

Because I didn't tell her or force her to share...she was playing nicely and trying to make a friend.

She has Sensory Processing Disorder and if I would have pulled her away from that area....pretty good chance of a huge meltdown......just to allow another child to monopolize an area.....not gonna happen
post #16 of 71
2/14/09 at 1:47am
Thread Starter 
annettemarie_

I understand your point but because my daughter has SPD, I was happy that she was playing nicely, sharing and offering the girls toys. She didn't even get upset when the girl grabbed toys out of her hand. Yelled at her, and started crying.

So....I was happy that dd handled a bad situation so well.

I think that sharing, being kind and nice to others is very important too!
post #17 of 71
2/14/09 at 1:48am
It sounds like your little girl is wonderful, and was trying her best to make a friend. I am really sorry it ended up being unpleasant.

What ultimately ended up happen? Did the two girls end up sharing the dollhouse? Did you have to explain it to your daughter later?
post #18 of 71
2/14/09 at 1:51am
Thread Starter 
Well, the other girl cried on her moms lap. My daughter found another smaller house and asked me to take it down. She hoped the girl would come back and play if there were two houses....nope. She wanted it to herself. So, a little boy came over dd played with him at the dollhouse. And the other girl left. Then the boy got trucks and played trucks around the house while dd played......
post #19 of 71
2/14/09 at 2:04am
Quote:
Originally Posted by annettemarie View Post
I would have seen it more as an opportunity to teach my own child about compassion than an opportunity to teach someone else's child about sharing.
:

This is what I was trying to say as well. You said it quite succinctly, thanks.
post #20 of 71
2/14/09 at 2:17am
I probably would have addressed the mother and not the daughter..after it became clear in her skit she was actually expecting my dd to leave the public play area so her dd could have it all to herself, she woudl have gotten the openmouthed "are you serious?" look...if that didn't get her changing her tune, I probably would have said something like "Are you actually telling you daughter to to ask my child to leave the play area?"
all while being very sweet and acting just completely confounded/bewildered. ( not that it would take much acting)
hopefully, that would shame her into feeling some..uh..shame?
If at any point she got rude, trust me, i can dish it, and "who made you queen of the world?" almost certainly would have been included in my tirade.
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