How Do You Raise Your LOs w/ Healthy Food/Weight Attitudes?

[Turquesa]

I'm desperately seeking non-judgmental advice on this tender topic. At different phases of my life, I have been obese, overweight, anorexic, and bulimic.

Obviously, I've grown up with some distorted and unhealthy attitudes about food and weight. Nobody is to blame; it's just that nobody knew any better. So basically, I'm treading in extremely unfamiliar water. I have been and continue to be extremely proactive with counseling and medical care so that I can model healthy behaviors to my DD (age 23 months) and my baby who's on the way.

But based on what I've experienced personally, I'm deeply afraid that either one of my LOs could end up obese as children. I know what it's like and wouldn't wish it on any child. The social stigma, as well as the health and psychological consequences, can be unbearable. It doesn't help that DH's family can get extremely critical and judgmental of other peoples' bodies (women's and girls' bodies mainly )

I am utterly ignorant as to how to prevent all of this in a way that is reasonable but not controlling. So I'm asking that you please thoughtfully address some of my questions. They're somewhat ignorant, so bear with me:

1. How do you handle all of the hypocrisy and mixed messages that children get? How do you explain or model to your children how to stay healthy despite the world they live in? They (and their parents) are admonished for childhood obesity while they are surrounded by and pressured to eat junk food (everywhere from the school cafeteria to Grandma's house), watch TV, and play video games with friends.

2. Do you keep (or frequently prepare) sweet, processed and/or fatty foods? If so, to what extent? I've heard on one hand only to keep only healthy foods in the house . . . but on the other hand that doing so can be too restrictive and end up backfiring. What are your thoughts?

3. DD is an extremely picky eater. Despite multiple attempts at introducing fruits and veggies, she won't go near anything but bananas. Do I keep exposing her and pray she one day accepts it? I'm losing patience.

4. What if it seems like she only wants to eat junk food? It seems controlling to withhold it from her, but like I'm encouraging unhealthy habits by giving it too her on demand. What's the happy medium?

5. I've heard that it's a bad idea to use food as punishment or reward. The concept sounds compelling enough. So if she demands dessert before dinner, do I cave? Or do I make her wait until after dinner? Again, what's the happy medium between being controlling and encouraging healthy habits?

6. My humble opinion is that some organized sports and PE classes put too much pressure on kids. How do I raise her to appreciate and enjoy exercise if her environment makes it something that she dreads? (My own life experience is going into this question! )

7. Should childhood obesity become an issue, what are the evidence-based ways to treat it? I'm not convinced that simply putting a kid on a diet is the sustainable solution. I've gone on multiple diets following "doctor's orders." Did it help? This is not a multiple choice question

Please help! I just want to be a good mommy and do the right thing. But that's kind of hard when I have no clue what I'm doing.

[NiteNicole]

Oh. Oh wow. I am so glad you asked. It's been an emotional couple of weeks. I have no idea what "healthy eating" or a normal relationship with food looks like. My only rules are I never ever talk about dieting, place judgment values on food, or talk badly about myself in front of my child, ever. I never use food as a punishment or a reward. I never force her to eat just because "it's time" and I don't indulge in my "bad" habits in front of her (yay for secret eating ). I thought that would be enough.

A few weeks ago a relative told me I needed to "keep an eye on her" because she was "getting chunky" and I wrote them off as a nasty old biddy. Then last week we bought her some new spring clothes. Almost nothing fit. When a favorite new dress didn't fit AT ALL, she cried. I cried (I told her we bought the wrong size, I got a dress for a baby and she's a big girl, I didn't know what else to do but I can not stand to think of my child spending all the hours I've spent crying in dressing rooms over clothes). How have I let this happen to my baby? I SWORE that if I did nothing else, I'd send her into the world full of love for herself and without weight issues. I guess I didn't know how.

I look at her, I see beautiful. I think, she's only three! Three year olds are supposed to have a little tummy, round arms, chubby knees, a little poochy booty! How can she not fit in clothes! She never stops moving, jumping, dancing, running, hopping around in circles. How can she be...she just can't be fat. And yet...clothes don't fit. You go up in sizes, they get longer, not wider...what do you do? I don't know! I can't expect a three year old to lose weight! Do I hope it's just the bulking up before a growth spurt? I look at my own pictures and she looks like me at her age and I know how *I* turned out. I want better than that for her.

I have so much regret tied up in my weight and I've let it hold me back in so many ways. Even in the few teen years where I managed to starve myself thin, I didn't know it. I missed so much. I've let so many chances pass me by because I didn't think I, as a fat girl, could possibly be good enough. I can't have that for my baby.

My husband and I joined WW last week. We don't talk about it in front of her, ever. We don't talk points or obsess about what we "can" and "can't" have.

As for her, I've just gotten a lot more firm about making sure we eat together, at the table, for all meals and snacks. I've had to remind my husband over and over, no, she can't have sprite. YES, we do water down the juice (but we try just water first). And no fast food, ever. We've been pretty good about that, certainly better than my parents, but we live in the middle of nowhere. Sometimes I spend a full day running errands and yes, she did end up with some here and there. Now I pack something before we leave. I also have to remind my mom not to show up with cakes and ice cream. I know from very personal experience that my mom celebrates and loves with food, but she just can't do that.

I hope all in all, any of this has an impact without her knowing her life has changed. I just...I can so clearly see her repeating my life and I would feel like a failure if I condemned her to spending so much time hating herself, hating clothes, being embarassed, being ashamed. I talk a good talk in front of other people, but inside I've been hurting about this for as long as I can remember. I just can't hand that down to her.

I 100% plan to drill into her that she's wonderful as she is, HOWEVER she is, but I just can't be responsible for letting her get fat. I don't mean to insult any other large people or parents of chunky kids, I know being fat doesn't necessarily make you unhealthy, it's not a character flaw, but it has been a burden for me.

[nextcommercial]

Oh, I completely understand where you are coming from. I worry about the same things. I look at other peoples groceries in the store, and I either feel better about myself or worse. LOL. I look at those really fit women and I check their cart to see what they are buying. I can get really obsessive, but I don't have much willpower and I want my dd to like what she eats, so I tend to get her things I know she shouldn't have, because I want her to be happy.

It's SOOO much harder today to have fit kids without putting them in organized sports. They aren't outside running all over the neighborhood like kids from the 70s. They have a ride to school unlike 40 years ago when we were expected to walk to school without an adult. Just get there, and get back. We had one long recess for lunch, and two short ones during the day where we were sent out to run around and play.

I, personally believe that ALL kids deserve treats in their diet. The problems don't come from the one box of twinkies you buy a few times a year, or the bag of Doritos. It's from the twinkie in every lunch box, and the one the child eats after school. It's from coming home and eating 14 oreos and a glass of milk then sitting down at the computer for two hours, then watching tv before dinner, then back to watch TV again. It's hard to notice that pattern too, because it's broken up throughout the day. Plus, WE do it. We come home, we are tired and we just want to relax. So, we turn on a show that our kids can watch and enjoy.

30 years ago, there were maaaaybe four shows on during the entire week that we would watch. The rest of the time, when mom and dad were watching M.A.S.H, we were playing with toys. My brother and I had seven miles of hotwheel track and we spent whole evenings making ways to get the cars to go down the steps without flying off the track at the bottom.

We were sent outside, even in the snow to build dangerous snow tunnels. We played past dark outside with every kid within a six block radius. We played night hide and seek, and other night time games.

But, those things just can't happen anymore. The world is no more dangerous than it was in the 70s, but it's just not acceptable to send your third grader out to the street to build a snow tunnel. (can't imagine how we survived)

[THANKFULFORFIVE]

okay, this info is coming from a mom who has really never had "weight" issues, so I'm replying to each question as it pertains to us as a family...
1.) I am not yet as"crunchy" as many on this board, so we are still influenced by mainstream messages pertaining to diet...but, I see that my kids "get the message" that they eat a much healthier diets than their friends and they actually are proud of it. WE live a relatively normal life without some of the excess "no no's...no soda)except special occasions. I cook a healthy dinner almost every night. We always have fresh produce in the house to snack on. etc....
2.) We do have many "processed" foods in the house at times, but the kids have to "ask" for junk food but are allowed to eat as much apples, carrot sticks, or fuit as they want...
3.) Don't lose patience! If they are hungry...they WILL eat what is in front
of them! Keep offering the healthy choices.
4.) I don't see it as "controlling" when YOU are the one responsible for their well-being. From early on, you will be setting up a life-time of healthy eating habits...this is a HUGE responsiblility! It's NOT always easy but has HUGE payoffs throughout a lifetime...
5.) We don't use food as a punishment, nor reward. Sometimes we have a dessert, sometimes not. They are required to sit down and have dinner reguardless....eventually they learn, that if they do not eat, they will be hungry....I do NOT give them special treats to get them to eat dinner.
6.) We do expect each child to participate in some sort of sport or fitness regimine. Again, this starts when they are very young, so it is just part of their normal routine. They don't have to be "star athletes", just have fun and stay fit with routine excercise.
7.) This is impossible to answer...everyone responds differently to obesitly issues. I don't know the "evidence-based" solutions, and based on statistics, not many others do either....too many variables come into play.

Your dd is still young enough to be the most strongly influenced by YOU. Keep modeling good eating habits...your kids will thank you later.

[ChetMC]

About Food

Messages

Messages from outside sources like extended family and the media can be very powerful. I think you start out protecting kids from these messages, and gradually transition to helping them navigate and resist unhealthy messages. At three and four, our girls are exposed to very little television for example. When they're ready to understand though, I hope we'll be able to help them recognize the manipulation that marketers use.


Food in the House

For the most part, we try to keep only healthy food in the house. This doesn't mean that the kids never get junk. They do. However, they usually get it when we're travelling and McDonald's is the only option, or during the holidays, or at family gatherings, or even at the doctor's office when there's a basket of suckers.

I'm happy with the balance we have going. Most days the kids eat a lot of raw fruit and vegetables, whole grains, and lean meat. However, they get junky stuff often enough to not feel deprived and gorge when they have access.

One benefit to healthy food in the house and treats on special occasions is that we don't need to carefully police the food. Day to day the kids can basically eat whatever they want since all of the options in the house are acceptable. And on the occasions where there are treats, the opportunity is finite... we leave the party, grandma's house or the doctor's office after a relatively short time, and if we have treats in the house it's not a giant schmorgisborg, we eat them and they're gone.


Picky Eaters

Our kids have gone through stages of picky eating. They've never been down to just three or four foods however, so I don't feel like we've really been there when it comes to picky eating. When it comes to fruit and vegetables, I don't think there's much you can do other than continue to offer, and vary the format and presentation. There are lots of ways to sneak fruits and veggies into other foods. Sometimes kids are more keen to eat things they've helped to grow or prepare. If they don't like something cooked, try it raw or frozen. For very short while, I could get our kids to eat nearly anything by using tiny cookie cutters to cut it in the shape of their names. I've sometimes had luck with cooling off periods for rejected foods too... after two months they forgot that they supposedly didn't like it and give it a fair chance again.


Wanting Junk

We give the kids a lot of control over what they eat, but their options are limited. Like I said above, we limit what's in the house to what we feel is acceptable. When the kids were massive juice guzzlers we had no juice. Now that they can consume juice in a reasonable way, and I don't need to police juice, we have juice more often.

Also, once kids are old enough to understand you can absolutely start to educate them about why you can't live on a diet of corn dogs and coke. Our explanation so far has been that living things need certain stuff to grow. One thing is good food. Apples help you grow. Cake does not. You need to eat enough good for so your body will work properly, and a little bit of other stuff is okay as long as you get enough healthy stuff first.


Food as Rewards

This is bad. Don't do it. A lot of problems come from people getting emotions and control mixed up with eating. Food is for nourishment, not to recognize achievement or good behaviour, or to cheer you up.

It's very important to me that our kids learn to eat when they are HUNGRY and stop when the are FULL. This started at day one, when our babies nursed on demand. It continued when we did self feeding only for solids (no spoons). Right now, it means that we don't require the kids to clean their plates. We don't force them to eat. If they want a snack they can have one. Well, within reason. We have had to introduce a couple of guidelines to curb particular issues that have come up.

As for desert before dinner, we can't do it because our kids don't eat enough. They'd only eat the dessert. I have known moms to do the "well, we have the chocolate cookies and the kids are going to eat them, it doesn't matter if they eat them for breakfast, once the cookies are gone they're gone and they can't eat them anymore" thing, and I think that can work if your kid eats enough and you have chocolate cookies rarely enough.

We just also don't have dessert very often though. It's more of a special occasion thing.


Physical Activity

Our approach to physical activity is to build it into our day to day lives. DH bikes to work as much as possible. We walk to and from preschool, the library, the grocery store and the shopping mall.

[ChetMC]

Party Smiley

I have no idea how that party smiley got into my message. I didn't mean for it to be there.

[flapjack]

To start with, I've let go of the idea that a healthy child = a slim child. I'm trusting that if my kids eat a healthy balanced diet, have plenty of exercise and have a healthy attitude to food then the weight that they are is a healthy weight to be at. Because I am morbidly obese myself, they obviously carry the genetic potential to be overweight or obese, just as two of my children also carry the genetic potential to be tall and skinny. There's enough evidence
We do child-led eating with three of my kids, mum-led shopping and baking. So I don't really care how many chocolate chip cookies someone eats in one day, because there's the same amount of calories in a batch whether they get eaten in one day or four, y'know? They won't be replaced more quickly. Because DD is only 3 and has food dislikes that makes it harder for her to eat a healthy balanced diet, I put more effort into guiding her, and it seems to be paying off. She's a healthy size now- all my kids are, in fact.
We do do TV, we are a very critical audience, shred manipulative TV adverts mercilessly and make fun of them. It's great fun, and surprising how sophisticated a 3yo/8yo/10yo can be. We'll use fast food as a heavily packaged, overmerchandised snack (basically a kinder egg with more calories) and will add fruit and veg options even then. Hope some of this helps We're also harshly critical of the messages that the media is sending out about health= underweight, health= provocatively dressed, pregnant = fat, and so on. I'm trusting that some of this will sink in later.
You might find that Healthy At Any Size helps.

[Shahbazin]

I do talk a lot about where food comes from, and that some food is tasty & for helping you grow, & other food can be tasty but doesn't have "real stuff " in it, so it's like eating bubbles - pretty, but doesn't have building blocks & vitamins in it. We have a nice selection of veggies, herbs & edible flowers in our back yard, so my kids like to pick & eat stuff we grow. We pretty much don't buy junk food, except for graham crackers & whole wheat cheese fish; I try to cook from scratch as much as possible, as minimally processed things are better for you anyhow, as well as generally being cheaper & tasting better. When we have cookies or pizza, it's made from scratch. I model reading labels & talking about ingredients (I'm real interested in the local food/slow food ideas. I love Pollan's book, Omnivore's Dilemma.) I don't forbid occasional stuff like store bought birthday cakes, but that's special occasion. I don't bother to make dessert real often, but it's usually something like fresh chopped fruit, oatmeal raisin cookies, or baked apple crisp; I do tell my 2 1/2 year old daughter she needs to eat some protein and other "building" foods first, & so far, it hasn't been an issue. She's not eating loads of veggies right now, but I keep sticking a few on her plate so she sees them as a "normal" dinner item. Snacks are sliced fruits, broccoli, swiss chard stalks (& other stuff scrounged from the garden), shelled sunflower seeds, cheese, yogurt, raisins, crackers, bread or bagels (with or without butter, cream cheese or nut butter), popcorn, or some watered juice (juice is maybe 2-3x week?). We spend a lot of time playing outdoors.

[TwinsTwicePlusTwo]

Originally Posted by THANKFULFORFIVE

3.) Don't lose patience! If they are hungry...they WILL eat what is in front
of them! Keep offering the healthy choices.

I just want to point out that this isn't always true. Some kids really will starve themselves before eating something they don't like (I have three like this).

I don't have much advice for the OP. My partners and I all have some issues about controlling food (they were starved as children and I was forced to eat things that made me physically ill), so now we eat whatever we want, including junk food. We're all at healthy weights and our kids all have good body images anyway. Maybe it's because we don't allow TV and make everyone play outside whenever the weather permits.

[cappuccinosmom]

Hmmm....I have wondered a lot about this too. I am obese. And an emotional eater. (I eat to celebrate, I eat to soothe myself, I eat to relieve boredom, I eat when I'm stressed...)

I have tried to make food a non issue for the most part (we don't force clean plates, don't make a different meal for each person, don't talk about it, etc), but I'm also very honest with my kids. My weight is very unhealthy and the way I eat is very unhealthy and I have a mouthful of metal due to cavities. My oldest is 5 and actually gets it, which is amazing to me. He will voluntarily refuse candy offered to him by others, and if they press it on him, he will bring it to us wanting to know what to do with it. He has been excited to learn about health and healthy foods, and really enjoys a good variety of fruits and veggies. He also understand that it's not a treat now and then which is the problem, but a life-long habit of bad eating that makes a person unhealthy. So he doesn't freak out when there is a treat avaliable.

I keep our diet pretty simple. No junk food in the house. We have a variety of meals for dinner time, but still pretty plain meals. Dessert doesn't happen except for holidays or if we have guests. Because of that, it's easy for my kids to view yogurt with blueberry sauce as a special treat. Or popcorn as a fun snack. They do occasionally get stuff like cake and ice cream or chips, and they do enjoy that stuff, but it's not part of their general existence and they don't seem to miss it at all.

I'm also *very* conscious about not using food as a soother. I've noticed that when I have an inconcolable kid, my first instinct is to stick something sweet in their mouth, to make the sadness go away. That is *my* messed up inside, and I refuse to do that to my kids. If anything, I try to make sure there's a decent amount of space between emotional upsets and food, giving them hugs and kisses and talking them through it, rather than just stuffing their mouth with something to stop the crying.

[cappuccinosmom]

About the size issue--our boys are fortunate to have a really great example in their dad. He is harshly, vocally critical about American culture and beauty standards. And he loves and is affectionate with me even though we have wildly different body shapes.

We don't have TV. The kids don't use the computer much. So those messages are somewhat limited for them. But when we do run across something, we use the moment to educate them. We don't comment negatively on anyone's physical attributes and make an effort to comment positively. And I also point out people with a variety of different looks and say "Oh, look, isn't she beautiful? Look at those adorable babies." that kind of thing. That's probably brainwashing or something, but I don't care.

[GuildJenn]

I wanted to recommend some books to you because it's so complex.

One is What to Eat by Marion Nestle. This is a good primer on the grocery store.

The second is Mindless Eating by um, I forget. It's a good look at some of the things around food that influence our eating, and it also made me laugh a lot.

The third is any book by Ellyn Satter (sp?) - we have "How to get your kid to eat (but not too much)" but I have heard Child of Mine (?) is really good.

In our house we take a pretty middle ground approach like this:

- 95 per cent of what we bring into the house is healthy "real food" - fresh vegetables, whole grains, beans, good quality fish and meat, and so on. We do have jasmine (white) rice because it is so yummy, but we don't eat it every day. Same with durum wheat pasta. It doesn't all have to be qinoa and tofu. (although we like those too.)

- the other 5 per cent we bring in in small quantities and go for the good stuff. Good stuff occasionally being crappy stuff, but like we'll go to the GOOD bakery and get a smaller, more $$ good cake over a lousy $6 one at the grocery store. But then now and then we will get the smallest bag of Oreos too. It's fine. We just don't get the huge family packs and have it every day.

- we cook together as joyfully as possible (err... not every night, for sure, on the joy)

- we eat at the table as a family

- snacks (whole grain crackers without a lot of fat, yoghurt, fruit, veggies, cheese, PB&J toast, etc) are available at any time, although in the 45 min before dinner they are limited to raw veggies (this is a great time of day for raw veggies - hunger is the best sauce, and they don't tend to ruin dinner, and really, if your kid ruins dinner on zucchini is this a bad thing?? )

- we use our bodies! Go out and walk, swim, etc. Nothing too fancy, but we use them.

Also, I would not live in fear of any particular outcome. If your child starts to become overweight, then you'll address it, or not. If you fear every day that your child will be obese and struggle, that is a huge emotional burden for everyone. It is SO HARD, but if you can let this go, it will help.

[etoilech]

General rules:

- you decide what your child eats and when

- your child decides how much to eat and even whether they eat

- no crap in the house period.

- allow for different things outside the house (it's not the end of the world if they have candy or a burger when you're outside the house)

- anyone looking after your kids needs to be on the same page as you. your kid your rules.

- eat together as much as possible

- eat in a tv free zone

- eat at regular times

- everyone eats the same meal

- relax, mealtimes should be enjoyable

Excellent books on the subject:

They are what you feed them - Alex Richardson

Child of Mine: Feeding with love and good sense - Ellyn Satter

for overcoming food issues, I recommend Tanya Byron's Your Child, Your Way

Toxic Childhood by Sue Palmer is also excellent, but more general.

Just a short post of what's worked for us. Best of luck.

[Super Glue Mommy]

1. model healthy eating, provide healthy meals, and explain the benefit of healthy eating to your child and that while other people may eat more junk they won't feel as good as people who eat healthy

2. Keep it healthy - most of the time. Use special treats as a special treat. Fruits are natures candy as well

3.each meal provide food from several food groups and let her decide what to eat.

4. if you don't have junk food in the house this wont be a problem. its not withholding, you just say we don't have that in the house, but you can pick a special treat to have at 'such and such time'.

5. use healthy desserts. this is what we do. kids do not need cake or ice cream servings each day. a bowl of fruit makes a great after dinner dessert.

6. My parents had a dr write me out of gym classes, and I got to pick my own physical activity instead. I took gymnastics for a while, then horseback riding, and I tried softball.

7. my brother has this problem. I often ask my child when they ask to eat "are you hungry or bored? if you are bored, we can play instead" if they are hungry I feed them. sometimes they say "play!" and we go play. my whole family were "boredom eaters" only my brother had weight issues because of it though.

[momtokea]

I'm no expert in this area, and I've had some picky eaters over the years. For the most part they are very healthy eaters now and all are a perfect weight. I have always told them to make healthy food choices, and to listen to their bodies and when they feel full to stop eating. Everyone is different in this regard. One of my kids seems to need more food than the others, and that is fine, as long as she's eating healthy.

At our house eating is not a competition. We never say "You ate all your supper! Good girl!!"
I know an 8yo girl who has been diagnosed with an eathing disorder, and we spend a lot of time with the family. From what I have observed the mother has made eating a competition for her kids ... the best child eats the most. She has said things like "It looks like C has eaten the most out of all the kids! Good job, C!"
And "It looks like E, K, N, and O will not be getting any dessert" as she stands over the table examining all the kids' plates.

I have had discussions with my children before getting together with this family to make sure they understand that eating the most doesn't make you a better person, to stop eating when they feel full even if the other children are gorging themselves, and that they WILL get dessert because I am their mother and make the rules for THEM.

As a result, one of her children now has an eating disorder, and the other isn't far behind.

One time I suggested that the adults should have an eating competition, too. Everyone agreed that wouldn't be pretty.

[cappuccinosmom]

On dessert--not having it every night has eliminated the "eat your supper if you want dessert" problem. Since they only have dessert on very special days anyway, we don't mind if they don't eat a full balanced meal for that one day.

[pinksprklybarefoot]

There was a nutritionist that visited my moms' group last year. She told us that as parents, it is our job to decide what to offer and when, and the child's decision to decide how much to eat. I think that this is a pretty good basic rule, and it is what I plan on doing with my own children. DS is just getting to the age where he is figuring out different foods, and starting to ask for certain things. So with him, this is new territory for me.

My dh doesn't *exactly* use the aforementioned rule with my dsd. It took him a while to figure things out food-wise for her, and there are some things that he is still struggling with (like whether or not to have a bedtime snack, and if so, how many). I can give my opinion, but in the end, it is his call.

We generally eat dinner as a family, at the table, no TV. We do have a try everything rule, and unless you absolutely hate something, we have a finish your dinner rule (a pretty small portion). However, you don't have to finish your dinner *at dinner* if you don't want to. You can finish it later. But no other snacks until dinner is finished. We had to institute this one because my dsd would announce that she was full at dinner after eating a piece of bread, then ask for a snack 15 minutes later. And 20 minutes after that. And so on, until bedtime. It was beginning to feel like there was no point to cooking dinner.

Some things have to be tried many, many times. Like 15. I think that it took 15 tries of zucchini for my dsd to decide that they were acceptable. I just kept putting it on her plate, and eventually it was familiar enough to her that she liked it. Sweet potatoes, OTOH, might just be something that she just doesn't like. But I haven't stopped serving them, because she might change her mind some day. Same thing with DS. He doesn't like everything I give him, but I just keep exposing him to it.

What we buy is 90% healthy. So we don't get too worked up about the 10% of junk that sneaks in here and there. With it being Valentine's this weekend, both kids had a fair amount of candy. But now that our Valentine's celebration is over, the candy will go in the cupboard and the kids will forget about it.

We are vegans (for ethical reasons), so that does make it so that we have to work a little harder to find junk food. A lot of unhealthy things that might be mindlessly consumed at parties, school or work are just not things that we eat. So we do have a small advantage there.

[Gabe'sMummy]

I too have grown up a bit messed up when it comes to food. I am NEVER full, and I mean never. I don't understand people who say they couldn't eat another thing - I can always eat!

I was a skinny thing until 18 when I started becoming overweight, now I'm around 2 stone overweight. I don't really look it, and I'm healthy, eat mostly healthy foods.

My parents were vigilant that I would never have sweets or junk growing up. They also always forced me to clear my plate of food. And I mean forced. I remember crying my eyes out while my dad sat there until I ate a whole plate of liver & onions. (I did try it, but have never liked the taste). I have grown up seeing junk food as 'naughty' and imo, this is bad. Junk food is not a 'treat', food is not a treat fullstop, it's there to live. Even now aged 20 I always clear my plate, it's never occurred to me to leave food.

Aged 17 I met DP and his parents, siblings and general attitide is totally different. They eat junk, when they feel like it. They eat healthily when they feel like it. They eat until they are FULL, no further. Only my FIL is overweight, and not significantly, and this is due to him being a very fussy eater and only eating foods smothered in cheese, lol.

I intend not to make DS ever finish food. If he doesn't want his food, fine, it's thrown away. If he gets hungry later on, he gets something else, usually a healthy snack. I will never pressure him to eat or give him food as a treat. Food is fun, it's tasty, but ultimately, it's to eat when you're hungry, for life, and to stop when you're full.

Also not to always eat dessert. IMO it's a bad habit every day, and in my family it was every day.

I really hope DS grows up with a healthy attitude to food. It's very important to me as I don't want him to be overweight like me.

xxx

[Storm Bride]

Random stuff...

I have an advantage over many emotional eaters, when it comes to my kids. However, it's actually made my problem worse. I don't overeat regular foods (did have slightly oversize portions, but have that mostly under control now) - I eat junk, mostly candy. Some of it is chocolate, but a lot of it is just complete garbage. My other eating habits are pretty good - a nice balance of protein, fat and complex carbs, lots of fruits and veggies, etc. So...I started eating candy when I'm out without the kids, and then I eat even more of it, because I don't want them to find it in my purse. *sigh* I truly see no evidence that my younger two have any idea that I do this, although ds1 probably suspects. I'm hoping the fact that I didn't do this when he was young (much different lifestyle) will help in his case...

We don't keep junk in the house. If we happen to buy a bag of cookies or something, it's a once in a while thing, and we eat them and then they're gone. The kids can't just dig in, but it's presented as an issue of not taking all of something, because then ds1 or dh or whoever doesn't get to have any...a sharing thing, not a "cookies are baaad" thing. If they're so bad, why did we buy them, yk? DH will buy a bottle of soda about once every 2-3 months. I'm not thrilled with it, but my kids also don't see it as a day-to-day thing, and sometimes it doesn't even get finished.

If the kids are on a single food kick (such as wanting 3 apples, without having eaten anything else), I'll suggest other things. I'll ask if they want some cheese or some nuts or some yogurt or some leftover chicken - something that isn't fruit, and preferably something with some protein. Usually, they'll take one of those options. I think they get stuck on a particular food, and don't think of alternatives, but realize that some fat and protein sounds pretty good, when all they've had is fruit (or that an apple is really appealing when they've already had two servings of yogurt and just asked for another one). On the very rare occasion when they stay stuck on the original idea, I let them have it.

Our most strict rules about food are "always ask" (that's an inventory issue for me, plus not wanting them pulling stuff off pantry shelves/counters they can't really reach - I'm lazy, and don't like spills) and "if you ask for it, you have to eat it" (I'm not a big fan of having six apples with one bite out of each sitting on the table). If I give them something they didn't ask for, I expect them to at least give it a try, but they don't have to finish it. I used to do a snack plate in the fridge for dd, but it's difficult now. DS2 is into everything and I just don't think a tray for each of them will work yet. When I did do that, dd had her own plate prepared every morning. It had a variety of snack stuff (cheese, fruit, nuts, veggie sticks, etc.) on it, and she could help herself to whatever she wanted at any time. It worked really well. I also noticed that she usually finished most of the plate. Even though she wouldn't necessarily have asked for celery sticks, when she saw them on the plate, they looked good.

I honestly can't say how well it's all working yet. DD is 5, and ds2 is only 3.5. However, my overall approach was very similar with ds1. He's almost 16, and still slim (that's his natural physique, as with dd - ds2, not so much) and active and healthy. He drinks more soda than I'd like, but nowhere near what some (most?) of his friends consume. The same applies to candy and junk food.

As far as physical activity, I'm a big fan of building it into day-to-day life as much as possible. I've seen too many high school jocks who jump up 40 pounds as soon as their scheduled activities dry up, yk? I encourage my kids to hike (the whole family does so in the spring/summer), walk (we try to do that a lot, too) and play outside. DS2 is in gymnastics at school, but he also has the habit of walking to school most days, and he's very active outside. He may or may not continue with gymnastics when he's an adult - but I think the idea that feet are a form of transportation is well entrenched. I think the keys are make exercise a fun family thing and to make it normal (not tagged on). DD is learning to swim, will probably take some dance classes, and may learn to ice skate. I want my kids to find active things they enjoy doing, not think of physical activity as a chore to be done because others expect it (as it was for me in PE).


ETA: Dessert. We had a chocolate raspberry mousse pie yesterday, for Valentine's Day. We have a fair bit of junk around at Christmas (mostly homemade, but not all), and have dessert at Christmas dinner...also Thanksgiving. By and large, we don't eat it at all. We occasionally have a small dish of ice cream. Once in a blue moon (maybe twice year - probably less), I'm seized by the desire to bake some kind of dessert...maybe a cheesecake? Other than that, we don't eat it. It's certainly not an every night thing.

[*Aimee*]

Thank you for starting this thread.

I'm morbidly obese and trying to hard to make sure these things dont happen to my boys. I am noticing things that freak me out. I've ALWAYS done baby led weaning, though I did ff because I have IGT. DS1 would eat all of a bottle, DS2 stops half way through and is done. I never make them finish anything, I never stress any food as good or bad, just healthy and strong food or fake food.

I'm freaking out because my son eats so poorly now I'm worried he'll be fat. He will only eat kefir, yogurt, milk, or cheese and eggs. MAYBE a banana but nothing else. Unless we go somewhere and they have chips or white bread or something then he eats a ton. He'll eat so much it's crazy. I know he must be eating beyond his hunger.

I try very hard to not impose meal times. I serve food at certain times and they're allowed snacks but they never have to eat. I want them to listen to their hunger signals.

They're not allowed juice or soda.

I guess I'm just not sure how to get my son to eat without making a big deal out of food ya know?