if you were a troubled teen... how will you raise your teen?

[meowee]

I was a very troubled teen, thankfully no drugs and very little alcohol, but I was screwed up/ troubled in just about every other way imaginable. I feel bad for my parents that they had to put up with me, but even now at age 35 with a lot of years past it is clear to me that they at least partially dug their own grave with me.

I thought I would be a lot less strict with my preteens but I find myself getting more and more strict as far as boundaries and expectations as they get older.

But I also feel I am more prepared than most to deal with them if they do go nuts, since I have plenty of experience being on the teen end of it.

[MusicianDad]

I plan on following my dad's lead and taking the high road. I was very much a troubled teen and that did include alcohol and drugs as well as other issues. My dad had rules and boundaries, but they were rules and boundaries that respected the fact that I was working through issues and would likely do something stupid, I just wasn't allowed to do something stupid that was deadly and/or harmed others.

I do hope we don't have to deal with this with DD or DS, but just incase we have a pact, if one of use starts turning into a dictator in the name of "protecting him/her from him/her self" the other is allows to tie up and gag you and stuff you in the closet for a week. (ok not really, but they are allowed to call you on it and overrule you when it does happen.) Hopefully neither of us will have to use that though.

[boobybunny]

I was a troubled teen, or so I have been told.

To be honest, I think I did not have enough guidence, supervision and structure. When my mom was involved, really involved, like when she and ernie were broken up for a year, I did really well in school, with friends, with her.

When I lived at my father's... he was either high or working. Either way, he was abusive, and in no way structured.

When I lived at my mom's... she spent 5 of 7 nights at my now stepfather's, was managing her career, school, whatever else.. but not me.

I did what I wanted when I wanted.

My children have a stay at home mom. I plan on staying on top of what they are doing, going. The whole giving them choices, talking about what is going on, and knowing who their friends should help with my children.

My husband's parents were involved, supportive and there for them. When he did get into trouble once (MIP at age 18 in college) He waited for his parents to get home and talked to them right after it happened. They were involved with him, and he trusted that he could go to them with a problem..ANY problem.

We are raising the kids the way he was raised... sort of. His mom was a teacher, so their schedules were the same. I am home. I coach basketball teams, we are involved.

[hermionesmum]

A big part of why I was a troubled teen was down to who my parents were. (With hindsight my mother had started to develop Alzheimer's in my mid teens, so I had that to contend with, as well as her parenting skills becoming limited.)

I'll set rules, with their safety in mind, and try to listen to them. (and probably make 1001 mistakes of my own.)

[Theoretica]

Great topic!

DH and I were both 'troubled teens', in fact we both lived for YEARS at a very famous home for 'troubled teens'. While he had the same 'parents' his entire stay, I had a litany of rotating sets. When we were graduated though, we had to cut ties and move on. So, transition into adulthood was abrupt and extremely difficult to navigate totally alone. Throughout our teen years we were met with extremely rigid rules and expectations that did NOT fluctuate with age or maturity. You were either 'good' or 'bad'. That was it. Peers were held up as examples, and if they stumbled AT ALL they were immediately looked down on by the community. Perfection was an unspoken expectation that no one could attain, and we all knew it. DH kept trying for it and learned to play their game. I gave up once I recognized the futility.

What we're doing differently is we give our teens room to just BE. We recognize their need for individuality and their urgency for 'separateness' from the core family unit, without implying that they are abandoning or withdrawing into themselves in an unhealthy manner. At the same time, if they NEED to withdraw into themselves, we validate that as a viable, heallthy option and don't associate it with negative undercurrents of resentment or implications of guilt.

We (DH and I), as parents, work on OURSELVES during their teen years, to transform our roles from parents to mentors to friends as they continue to approach adulthood at lightening speed. Our job isn't to pave their way to adulthood for them, it's to provide the tools, lighting, and skills so they can pave their own way, in whatever path they choose.

We try not to micromanage. We try to encourage autonomy in decision making as well as personal responsibility. We encourage personal reflection and growth by exploring their ideas and opinions with them, even as they differ from ours. We nurture their souls by valuing their emotions and experiences as unique to them. We begin to let go, however painful that may be for us.

We love them. Unconditionally. To do otherwise is unthinkable, and too similar to the experiences of our own lives.

[*Erin*]

i was the epitome of "troubled"-drugs and dangerous behaviors, sex.
my problem was my parents-my mother was mentally ill and abusive, my father was absent. i think for my kids, i will just continue to be a stable force in their lives, treating them with respect, and listening to them. keeping an open dialogue. being involved.

[journeymom]

Poor grades aren't a sign of weak character to me. It's a sign that my child needs help with something. That's one major thing I 'do' differently from my parents.

I'm a sahm, have been since the oldest was 3 y.o. It's helped my kids immensely, if only because it dramatically reduces the amount of stress on me, so I can be a better mom than when I was employed full time.

Though I'm ready to go back to work now!

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Edited to say that even if I'm getting these particular issues right, certainly there will be other issues that my kids will complain to their psychologists about.

[talk de jour]

I was a troubled teen -- and it had to do with my own psychological issues, not my upbringing.

[Aliviasmom]

I had a pretty troubled time as a teenager.

Part of this was because I suffered from pretty severe depression, but someone told my mom that I was faking it and it was only for attention. Granted, SOME of what I did was for attention (ie cutting), but only to get attention for how much I HURT. My pain was not fake. It took until the last 4-5 years for my mom to believe I have depression, and the last year or so before she realized how bad. I hope that I can be more supportive and understanding of the difficulties my children are facing, whether I understand them or not.

Also, I slept around quite a bit as a teen, was raped by a boyfriend, and have a messed up view of relationships and sex as a result. I know that no matter what I preach (ie abstaining until marriage, etc), my child is going to do what they want. I can't be oblivious to that. THerefore, I plan on telling my child that I really hope that they wait, but if they feel that they can't, that they can still come and talk to me. I plan on making birth control available. I need to remain open and honest and trustworthy to my children. Without that, it will lead to lying, deception, and unwillingness to talk to me about important issues. I don't want to find out about a disease until too late. I don't want to find out about a pregnancy until the baby is born. I want my children to be able to come and talk to me with as little embarrassment as possible and ask for information on puberty, sex, relationships, birth control, etc. If I was more welcome to talk to my mom about these things, I would be in a much different place then I am now. I'm happy where I am, but it's been a difficult road to get here.

[sapientia]

I was troubled in that I had anger issues, did drugs, drank, had sex-but kept up my grades because I knew that college was the way 'out' so I made sure I did well enough to get accepted to a college and move out asap. I moved out very soon after I turned 18.
My parents were abusive physically.mentally. emotionally-as was my grandmother.

I acted out because I was miserable, I was ignored and there was so much violence towards me-I just needed attention from somewhere in almost any way.

How do I do things differently with my children? MY teen? I love them, I listen to them, I respect them-and I keep up with who their friends are-I don't let them go just anywhere with anyone-but I also give them needed space. It's a fine line and I do tend to the clingy-but I know when to pull back and give them growing room. I admit when I screw up, but I set real boundaries and let them know why. I don't rule them, but they don't have total freedom, either. I listen to them. So far it seems to work really well.
Basically, I am the opposite of what my parents were. I don't act as though I am their supreme ruler-I am a guide and I am the heavy when it seems I need to be.
It's an intuitive dance.