DH putting down my country

[Keria]

I am really hurt by my husbands comments about my country which i recognize it's not perfect, but I still love it and think its the best place on earth. These are a couple of conversations that took place this week.

1st conversation we were discussing sometime in the future moving to my home country.

Me: I was looking into laws here and if you want to do nursing here you would have to go to nursing school for a couple of semesters.

Him: Its a third world country I'm sure something can be done about it.

I take deep breaths and let it go...

2nd conversation today while we are discussing our elections.

Him: I never knew Venezuela was a democracy, i have been telling everyone you are a communist country.

Me: Why would you say that

Him: I just figured

Me: I would appreciate if you didn't go around telling people we are communist just because you figured.

Him: we are a little grumpy today aren't we.

Anyways after many many comments like this I told him to please respect my country, I love this place and it hurts when he bad mouths it, his response, well you have seen the difference between my country and yours, what i wanted to say was yes your country is so sad and boring that they have to put suicide barriers on the bridges so people don't jump off of them that often, but i decided to be the bigger person and told him well I don't believe the streets there are paved with gold, and its far from perfect, and while I know in our country there are many things that need to be worked on, I love it here.

Anyways after a loong conversation I'm not sure if he got it or not I just hope he thinks twice when saying those things about my country.

[lil_miss_understood]

I'm sorry you're going through that. It sounds really difficult to deal with. Apparently your husband doesn't know much about your country and seems to feel entitled to sharing his ignorance with others because he's married to someone from there. Is there any way you could get him to learn more about your country?

[caro113]

How is Venezuela communist? (And secondly, what exactly is wrong with communism? .. right there is something wrong with THIS country. We seem to believe that our ideology is better than everyone else's and that we have the right to push it on everyone else. And because of that, we have to teach our children that their ideologies are not only wrong, but really horrible too. Nothing with really wrong with communism. It just hasn't been executed in the best of fashions. It's not like Venezuela ever invaded a country for the hell of it and said "We're here and you're going to like it".)
And since when is Venezuela considered a 3rd would country? Even if it were, does that mean the people there don't deserve to have their medical staff as well educated as we do here?

Sorry. I tend to get really annoyed and angry when people hate a country or culture or group of people for reasons that aren't even true. It just really bothers me. Honestly, I probably would have just let him keep badgering my country, coming back with a badger about this country that isn't true, but widely believed, just to prove a point. But I'm a bitch like that.

I hope he starts to understand where you are coming from. Maybe you could take him to Venezuela and show him all around it, showing how excited you are about it and how amazing it is (I hear it's beautiful), just so he knows how much you love it.

Good Luck

[Keria]

Thanks guys, he ahs actually been here several times, I have taking to some pretty amazing places, we have some of the most beautiful beaches in the world, he wasn't that impressed he says he's not a beach kind of guy, whatever that means, I even gave him a book and some dvds for chritsmas the first thing he did was open a page with some of our natives, and said cool now i can tell people what all venezuelans look like.

He has a nursing degree form canada so he expected that when he comes here people are going to fall down at his feet and make him president of a hospital or something. He said not to worry much about what people think most people dont even know where venezuela is. Great excuse you are all ignorant is what went through my head.

I know most of it isn't his fault since his family is pretty errr lets say closed minded, they wouldnt even come to our wedding because they were scared of all the dangers, but still he married someone from here he has to respect me an my culture.

[lil_miss_understood]

He's Canadian?
Sorry, I know we Canadians are proud of our country, but not (usually) to the point of disrespecting all other countries (the one exception to this usually being the US). I am shocked and appalled to know that a fellow countryman is being so incredibly ignorant. I'm sorry.

[Bad Mama Jama]

i am sorry. i can't imagine the hurt that must surround the situation.

[tammyswanson]

I'm sorry your husband is doing that. Has he ever even been to Venezuela? I know my DH always wanted to go there to visit.

I know it hurts you when he is so insensitive like that, is he insecure about his own country? If he is from the USA, does it bother him that the USA routinely invades other countries and bullies the ones that don't go along with their shenanigans?

Maybe ask him why he doesn't like your country, especially since he doesn't seem to know anything about it. How can he be down on something he knows nothing about? No country is perfect! It's the citizens that make up a country's heart, and the politicians that make up the butt. Sadly, countries get judged by the politicians, not the citizens.

[ShwarmaQueen]

I have spent many hours trying to ignore US-bashing from my DH (we live here now)...how families are so disfunctional (or more like we just aren't afraid to show it? ) and how crappy it is that the gov't doesn't provide it's citizens with even the most basic health care (ok, he has a point there ). But, what I try to do is NOT stoop down to his level-his country (n. africa) is FAR from perfect, and I try to gently remind him of this. "Gosh, isn't it weird that the cafes are full of men every afternoon, it's as if they are lazy- why don't they help their wives with the housework if they're unemployed? "

You're husband is entitled to his opinion just like you are yours, but I'd just tell him BLUNTLY if he starts hurting your feelings.

[EdnaMarie]

Wow. That's pretty sad that he feels the need to insult your home country. I have been guilty of complaining about DH's country- where I lived for four years- but nothing that bad.

I hope your husband can come to terms with his issues. Though, if he is not even prepared to read a simple pamphlet about the system of governance in Venezuela...

[GoGoGirl]

Sigh. I'm dealing with this, too.

My husband was born overseas, but has lived here since he was a little boy. He's very politically involved, and very critical of the US--which I understand, I am too.

But it makes me upset when he talks about how much he hates America and Americans. Hello, I'M an American. If you hate Americans so much, why did you marry one? And choose to live here? He also projects all this anti-Americanism onto my parents. He'll say things about how my parents are to blame for US foreign policy (huh?) and call them all kinds of bad words I'm not allowed to write here. It *really really* hurts my feelings. I'm a nice person. My parents are nice people. We're hardly unquestioningly patriotic. It's ok if he doesn't approve of the US, but it's NOT ok for him to be hateful to me and my family just because we're Americans. I haven't figured out how to handle this. When I tell my husband that it hurts my feelings, he turns it into a huge political rant.

In my husband's case, he doesn't actually like his home country, or the country where most of his extended family lives, either. I think at the bottom of all this anger is feeling like he doesn't really belong anywhere.

In your case though, what would INFURIATE me is your DH's ignorance about Venezuela. I mean, it hurts me when my DH puts down Americans, and at least he's extremely informed about the US. God, it would just make me if he didn't even take the time to learn about the country he's putting down before he says hurtful things.

[eepster]

Originally Posted by *Louise*

2nd conversation today while we are discussing our elections.

Him: I never knew Venezuela was a democracy, i have been telling everyone you are a communist country.

Me: Why would you say that

Him: I just figured

Me: I would appreciate if you didn't go around telling people we are communist just because you figured.

Him: we are a little grumpy today aren't we.

While on one level this is really bad, on another level I find it hysterically funny.

On the nursing school thing, does he realize that the Drs will almost certainly be writing their orders in Spanish? Even if he speaks eveyday Spanish well, he needs to learn the medical terms.

[Keria]

Yes he is canadian and from Vancouver one of the cities with most immigrants around the world, but he says these incredible racist things when we have been there, like "Chinese driver" when someone does something wrong on the road, or calling people FOB (Fresh of the boat), I do call him on that and tell him how incredible racist that is, he just says he is kidding, or that is not his fault Chinese don't know how to drive, His parents are really something too the first time i was in their house, I was just speechless with some of the things they said, I just couldn't believe there were people with that kind of things going through their heads and actually out their mouths, and I'm the one from the third world country.

Next time he does it I'm definitely tell him that he has a right to his opinion but please make it an educated one not one based on ignorance.

The nursing thing I told him that medicines are different here, that we have tropical diseases, he said it doesn't matter he could figure it out, whatever you still need a license to be a nurse here. He just said well I disagree.

I also think he sometimes is just him trying to be funny, but yeah I'm not laughing, I have a friend who told me she would never go on a trip again with us because of the comments he made, once we were at a beach here where some cruise ships make a stop, and we were kidding hey we should sneak into one of those ships and get a free trip to Europe, I told DH since most of the people were older hey maybe you could pretend one of those couples is your parents and get on the boat, and he said hey maybe they'll take you as their maids, yeah not so funny.

Anyways I keep wondering how in the world such a close minded person ended up marrying someone from Venezuela, or maybe its my fault for marrying him, but if you ignore all this stuff he is really a great guy , who treats me wonderfully.

[DariusMom]

wow. I'm sorry.

that would really really really upset me.

Like so many of the PPs, I'm from the US. DH is from Europe. He is pretty positive about the US but a lot of people around us aren't. I'm not always positive about many things, either, but it's my country and I love it and have great hope for our future and great belief in the ultimate good of the American people (I say this as someone who has lived in multiple other countries, speaks other languages, etc. not just blind patriotism). So it hurts and offends me when people say really nasty things -- some uninformed things and some valid things in a nasty and accusatory tone. (Hey, i didn't vote for Bush *twice*!!!)

DH *always* gets my back, though. Always! He know a lot about the US and defends things intellectually and rationally. I would be incredibly hurt if he were ignorant of my country and culture and dismissive of it.

Maybe counseling would be in order for this?

[tammyswanson]

Something popped into my head, which is, you mentioned that you may move back to your home country someday? Maybe your husband doesn't want to go, and this is his way of trying to get out of it, by bashing your country? Just a thought....

[Keria]

hmmm I don't think that's it, the moving back here its mostly recent, and he has always said those kind of comments, the reason why I like to move back is because my dad is planing to invest in a business for me and my brother to run, my family has tons of property here and we would have a better life than in Canada working a million hours a day just to get in debt for 100 years.

[elsanne]

Sorry to hear that, Louise. Sounds like a run-of-the-mill North American, unfortunately.

It *IS* strange to have one's country be bashed (I'm U.S., married to a Mexican, living in Mexico). Now, I'm down with a little U.S.-bashing-for-sport, but it always comes down to, so WHY did you pick ME if you are so anti-u.s., I tell him. He can't answer that.

Venezuela is a fabulous country, I would live there in a hot second. And I have to say that quality of life is WAY better in Latin America (in general, for educated, connected folk) and I'm with you on that one, Louise!

[spughy]

Originally Posted by JacquelineR

He's Canadian?
Sorry, I know we Canadians are proud of our country, but not (usually) to the point of disrespecting all other countries (the one exception to this usually being the US). I am shocked and appalled to know that a fellow countryman is being so incredibly ignorant. I'm sorry.

I couldn't agree more. I will say though that many countries - Canada included - DO have a system of Prior Learning Assessment (PLA) at many universities and technical colleges, so there is every chance that he may actually be sort of right that he can use his credentials there if he goes through the process. It won't be free, but it would likely be relatively speedy. It's not likely to make him president of anything, especially with the attitude he's sporting, but it would probably get him a job in nursing if he's willing to learn at least a little Spanish. Does he *want* to move to Venezuela?

[Joyster]

I don't think my DH would still have a pair of ears left after the talking to I'd give him after bashing my country. (We're both Canadian though, so not going to happen-we're not boring though. lol)

Seriously, I think you need to put your foot down and let him know that this kind of BS will not be tolerated. For me, it'd be an absolute deal breaker, but you have to decide for yourself what is acceptable and what's not.

[Keria]

Thank you elsanne, not a lot of people understand that you can have a pretty awesome quality of life in a third world country.

The nursing thing here they will recognize his degree but he sitll has to take the courses from the curriculum here that he didn't do there is an agreement with several countries wich the degree is valid with just getting a license, but canada is not one of them, anyways nursing is not even a good profession to have here, the pay is really bad.

He's definitelly not jumping with joy about moving here, but he does think is the best given all the opportunities we could have here a opossed as having nothing but debt in Canada. I'm not jumping with joy either about giving up my very comfortable lifestile, to just have enough to pay the bills in Canada, but I do it with out complaining because i love him and I want to be with him, maybe we both should have stuck with the local product

[Swan3]

Originally Posted by *Louise*

Yes he is canadian and from Vancouver one of the cities with most immigrants around the world, but he says these incredible racist things when we have been there, like "Chinese driver" when someone does something wrong on the road, or calling people FOB (Fresh of the boat), I do call him on that and tell him how incredible racist that is, he just says he is kidding, or that is not his fault Chinese don't know how to drive, His parents are really something too the first time i was in their house, I was just speechless with some of the things they said, I just couldn't believe there were people with that kind of things going through their heads and actually out their mouths, and I'm the one from the third world country.

...
Anyways I keep wondering how in the world such a close minded person ended up marrying someone from Venezuela, or maybe its my fault for marrying him, but if you ignore all this stuff he is really a great guy , who treats me wonderfully.

Wow. I still call my DH on stuff like that. I ask him if he would be comfortable with our children saying things like that at preschool and how I personally find it EMBARASSING! His parents use racial slurs and I'm pretty vocal at how shocked I am to hear stuff like that, he's fallen into the habit (when with them) of using them too and I always tell him (LOUDLY and pointedly) that I can't believe he uses that language in front of our DD.

When we first started dating he came over to my Mom's (Salvadorean) house and when the topic came up about the Mayans he talked about how barbaric they were ....that didn't go a long way towards warming the family up. He had to work TWICE as hard to get them to like him. He was also a card carrying Reformer (ultra-conservative) and had issues with immigration (which I later pointed out made our marriage and family possible).

He's come a LOOOONG way, I love him to pieces and we've learned so much from each other. Maybe you should have a serious heart-to-heart and let him know that you feel personally disrespected, I mean, how would he feel if you pointed out all of Canada's flaws? There are many and I can say that as a Canadian myself.

I'm really sorry you're dealing with this, and yeah, he'll get quite the rude awakening if he doesn't figure out that the world doesn't bow down to North Americans. Sheesh.