Having a Pagan Wedding While Not Offending Those of Other Religions...? (Please Come In If You're...

[Doula Dani]

I need HELP!!! I'm getting married in June and I haven't even really begun planning

Here's the issue: I want to have a pagan themed wedding without it being too overboard (please no offense). I am a witch, dh isn't exactly, but doesn't really subscribe to anything else. I have extremely Christian family members. My sister and my best friend are Christian, and still love me just the way I am. I could have the witchiest wedding and they wouldn't care I have family members that I'm not extremely close to from my mother's side who would be very offended if they weren't invited and they are very Christian. Yes I know this is stupid, and that I should have the wedding I want and especially not change it for someone who I'm not even that close to. I've also thought about the fact that there aren't really any pagans in my life other than a handful. I want it to not be akward, you know?

So, how can I incorporate my spirituality without having it be too much? I don't just want your basic wedding ceremony when it doesn't represent who I am (even who dh is really- he's more pagan than he would like to admit).

And if you're Christian- I'd love to know how you'd feel. Thanks!

[pumpkin]

I'm not a pagan, but almost every wedding I have attended has been for a faith other than my own. Even if I found some of those weddings strange, even technically at odds with my own beliefs, its not my right to be offended because its not my wedding.

The only thing I might have been upset about would be taking place in a particular ritual that went against my beliefs. Every wedding I have attended has been very good about telling people they were welcome to sit out of certain things. So at the many Catholic weddings I've attended I don't kneel and I don't take communion, I just sit quietly and observe while others participate in religious rites that don't apply to me.

My own grandmother asked why anyone would come to my wedding since there wasn't a mass. Well, not only was there no mass, it was a completely atheist wedding. She complained ahead of time, but the day of the wedding she partied with everyone else. I know she had a good time and didn't regret attending.

[Jane]

Congrats!

I've never been to a pagan wedding. What makes it different from a more typical one? I think as long as you gather for a ceremony and you feed people afterwards, how could it go wrong?

[Doula Dani]

I love you Apricot

[wombatclay]

Hmmmm... DH and I eloped and "solved" the wedding religion problem, but I've been to a few blended pagan/christian ceremonies.

One bride had family/friends do readings that invoked the elements (the people stood in the appropriate compass directions and read their poems/passages to "create a circle of love and friendship to surround our ceremony" according to the little wedding card that was placed on each seat). Another invoked the directions using archangel images (some pagan traditions assign the four main archangels to the different watchtowers). One jumped a broom on the way down the aisle at the end, another had a "unity candle" where every member of the wedding party made a wish for the couple and then added their own flame to the central candle... and another did something similar by asking everyone to tie a wish into a ribbon (write the wish on a ribbon, tie the ribbon to the broom handle.... the ribbons were on the tables at the dinner). Those are things that could be significant within a pagan context but not "too out there" from a christian context. Oh, and at one ceremony the bride and groom exchanged sips of water from a really gorgeous chalice and bites of bread ("may you never hunger, may you never thirst") instead of the more traditional vows... if you phrase it within the contest of "writing your own vows" it may feel more familiar to everyone while being meaningful to you and your partner.

There are some bible passages that might suit a pagan ceremony... Song of Solomon or something like that if you feel like having a biblical element/reading/reference would be helpful. Or you could borrow passages from a variety of mystics or christian philosophers (Thomas Merton maybe) or music from a more mystic christian background like the chants of Hildegard of Bingen (one version here). Or perhaps a prayer or poem from a period/location where an existing pagan culture was adapting to christian ways would work (for example, Wisdom of Serpent, Power of Raven by Noragh Jones is a fantastic collection of pagan/christian folk traditions from the British Isles and it includes wedding traditions as well as infant blessing ceremonies).

I think that one important thing would be to let family members know ahead of time that you wont be having a "traditional X-religion wedding". I mean, they probably have a mental image of what a wedding "is" and no matter what you do, it's unlikely that your ceremony will match that mental image unless you go whole heartedly through the standard wedding ceremony of religion x (which may not even be an option since a minister may have reasonable reservations about your commitment to that faith!)

Anyway, good luck and congrats on the wedding! :

[LVale]

Maybe you can put a little flyer in your invites, that explains what being a Pagan is all about. That way your guests will be informed, and won't be uncomfortable. When I was 17, I went to my first Catholic wedding and was totally unprepared, I wish I had been informed. Best wishes on your happy day!

[lilyka]

honestly, I probably wouldn't go. I don't really make a habit of attending the sacred ceremonies of other religons. however, I would come to your reception to celebrate your marriage. Will there be seperate events for the cermony and a celebration or will the two be intermingled? Does your family know you are pagan? Would you be offended if they chose not to come? maybe you cold just send out a really obvious invitation. AMke it clear you wil celebrating this day in your religoius tradition. you didn't want to leave them out and of course you would love it if they came to celebrate with them but that you would not be offended if they chose not to attend because you want to honor their religous beliefs. Do you think something like that would work?

[zinemama]

I guess I think this is a non-issue. Would your family refuse to go to a Jewish friend's wedding ceremony? To me, a wedding ceremony is a joyous occasion and the faith of the couple being married is not - or shouldn't be - relevant to the guests, who are there to support the couple, not to endorse or participate in their religion.

(Or, going by the pp, maybe I'm wrong. lilyka, would you not go to a friend's Jewish wedding - or Muslim or whathaveyou?).

[Jane]

Originally Posted by Doula Dani

I love you Apricot

I love you, too, Dani!! :

[gillibean]

Originally Posted by zinemama

I guess I think this is a non-issue. Would your family refuse to go to a Jewish friend's wedding ceremony? To me, a wedding ceremony is a joyous occasion and the faith of the couple being married is not - or shouldn't be - relevant to the guests, who are there to support the couple, not to endorse or participate in their religion.

(Or, going by the pp, maybe I'm wrong. lilyka, would you not go to a friend's Jewish wedding - or Muslim or whathaveyou?).

That's exactly what I was thinking. If I was invited to a wedding for a Jewish couple I would expect a Jewish wedding. I wouldn't expect them to cater to Christian friends or family. Same thing goes for any other religion. I just can't imagine being offended at someone else getting married in a manner that's spiritually significant to them. I might feel a little confused but I'd actually welcome the opportunity to explore traditions of another faith. BTW - I'm LDS.

[KatWrangler]

Originally Posted by zinemama

I guess I think this is a non-issue. Would your family refuse to go to a Jewish friend's wedding ceremony? To me, a wedding ceremony is a joyous occasion and the faith of the couple being married is not - or shouldn't be - relevant to the guests, who are there to support the couple, not to endorse or participate in their religion.

(Or, going by the pp, maybe I'm wrong. lilyka, would you not go to a friend's Jewish wedding - or Muslim or whathaveyou?).

Well said!

[minkajane]

DH and I had a handfasting. I'm Wiccan, DH is his own special brand of Paganism. My family wasn't invited and his whole family is Christian. Our ceremony didn't mention the Deities or the God and Goddess or anything, but our minister did invoke the elements. We got so many comments afterwards, not about the fact that the ceremony wasn't Christian, but about how wonderful our vows were. Our vows were realistic and we didn't make any false overblown promises. I loved it.

It was very relaxed and laid-back. It took place in a gazebo in a national forest with DH's family gathered around us. DS stood as our best man. It was wonderful. Maybe it would have been different if they had been expecting a Christian ceremony, but everybody already knew I wasn't a Christian and they kinda figured about DH.

[ChampagneBlossom]

If you want specific help with creating a hand-fasting that is sort of on the subtle side, I could totally help. I have tons and tons of files and ideas from when we were working on ours. PM me if you want to bounce ideas back and forth.

One idea from the top of my head is that you might want to include the Song of the Sun by St. Francis (perhaps with certain lines slightly modified) as a sort of interfaith gesture. (Of course, I guess that could technically offend some non-Catholic Christians too. But, I guess you can take offense at whatever if you're so inclined.) It's a lovely prayer and we're having it as an opening at our hand-fasting.

[angelcat]

Originally Posted by wombatclay

Hmmmm... DH and I eloped and "solved" the wedding religion problem, but I've been to a few blended pagan/christian ceremonies.

One bride had family/friends do readings that invoked the elements (the people stood in the appropriate compass directions and read their poems/passages to "create a circle of love and friendship to surround our ceremony" according to the little wedding card that was placed on each seat). Another invoked the directions using archangel images (some pagan traditions assign the four main archangels to the different watchtowers). One jumped a broom on the way down the aisle at the end, another had a "unity candle" where every member of the wedding party made a wish for the couple and then added their own flame to the central candle... and another did something similar by asking everyone to tie a wish into a ribbon (write the wish on a ribbon, tie the ribbon to the broom handle.... the ribbons were on the tables at the dinner). Those are things that could be significant within a pagan context but not "too out there" from a christian context. Oh, and at one ceremony the bride and groom exchanged sips of water from a really gorgeous chalice and bites of bread ("may you never hunger, may you never thirst") instead of the more traditional vows... if you phrase it within the contest of "writing your own vows" it may feel more familiar to everyone while being meaningful to you and your partner.

There are some bible passages that might suit a pagan ceremony... Song of Solomon or something like that if you feel like having a biblical element/reading/reference would be helpful. Or you could borrow passages from a variety of mystics or christian philosophers (Thomas Merton maybe) or music from a more mystic christian background like the chants of Hildegard of Bingen (one version here). Or perhaps a prayer or poem from a period/location where an existing pagan culture was adapting to christian ways would work (for example, Wisdom of Serpent, Power of Raven by Noragh Jones is a fantastic collection of pagan/christian folk traditions from the British Isles and it includes wedding traditions as well as infant blessing ceremonies).

I think that one important thing would be to let family members know ahead of time that you wont be having a "traditional X-religion wedding". I mean, they probably have a mental image of what a wedding "is" and no matter what you do, it's unlikely that your ceremony will match that mental image unless you go whole heartedly through the standard wedding ceremony of religion x (which may not even be an option since a minister may have reasonable reservations about your commitment to that faith!)

Anyway, good luck and congrats on the wedding! :

Participating in a reading would go against my beliefs. Doesn't mean I'd boycott the wedding, but I would not be able to participate.

I would likely be quite uncomfortable. Doesn't mean I'd expect you to change anything, though. part of that is me being uncomforable with anything I'm not used too.

[Collinsky]

Could you talk with a UU (Unitarian Universalist) minister? They may have a lot of insight in ways to honor your beliefs and practices, while still being welcoming and not off-putting to others.

But in all, I think you should plan your ceremony to reflect your path and your lives - it is your life that is changing, and your union that is being celebrated. So it should be meaningful for YOU and your SO. Be considerate of others, sure, but in reality, they aren't planning their religious ceremonies for anyone else and you shouldn't either. No one has to participate in any part that makes them uncomfortable, and if it is really something they feel strongly about, they can skip the ceremony and join you for the reception (or just stay home.)

[femalephish]

Congrats on your marriage!

I am Christian and we had a very religious ceromony. (We read from the Bible, my pastor did the ceromony, and we had a cousin come up and say a special prayer.) Not all of my friends are Christian, though. We didn't ask anyone to participate in the ceromony, other than asking people to bow thier heads to pray. But I was always raised that if you don't want to do something religious with friends/family it is totally ok just to sit quietly.

I think I would be comfortable going to a pagan wedding. I would just sit out if I didn't feel comfy with something. But I would have no problem listening to my friends/family telling each other their vows, or making promises to each other based on dieties that I don't believe in. It's thoughtful that you are thinking about them, I think it's unlikely that you will offend anyone. (Even though my mother said she was offended that my dad didn't 'give me away' and we didn't do some other traditional things, once the wedding happened she (and everyone else) was just happy for us! I bet even people who think your ceromony will not be good, will be happy for you once they see how happy you guys are!) Good luck!

Try to have fun! My wedding was such a happy day! :

[charleysmama23]

Originally Posted by LVale

Maybe you can put a little flyer in your invites, that explains what being a Pagan is all about. That way your guests will be informed, and won't be uncomfortable. When I was 17, I went to my first Catholic wedding and was totally unprepared, I wish I had been informed. Best wishes on your happy day!

I like this idea. So I'm a Christian and I would definitely attend a wedding that was not my religion. I have friends & loved ones who aren't Christians and like you said about your sister and friend, I love them just the same. I wouldn't stand up in it (be a bridesmaid) only because I feel like bridesmaids bear witness for the couple and I did that once as a younger woman and felt weird about it. It was a Universalist Unitarian (sp?) wedding and I felt like I was being dishonest somehow. Anyway, I think a little note about what it means to be Pagan and have a Pagan ceremony would be very thoughtful and helpful for you guests not familiar with it.

[beaner&tiegs]

I'm not necessarily out as pagan to most of my family, and feel no need to spell it out in case it creates issues that don't need to be there. Most of my family is not overly religious anyways, and they kind of expect us to do things our own way anyways, so I personally would not be comfortable supplying a pamphlet explaining our beliefs, but rather went for the route of creating little rituals that had a lot of meaning to us but many people wouldn't have even noticed them. We had an outdoor ceremony, which wasn't surprising as we're outdoor enthusiasts. We had an alter up front, with meaningful symbols for all the elements but to most people it just looked like a table. We wrote our own ceremony and made many references to nature, but most people didn't really pay attention to the specific words anyways! We had the ceremony on the summer solstice, we played specific music, we used candles and wore special amulets under our clothes - many things that just came across as personal and not necessarily pagan.

The thing that gets me about this whole discussion is that many Christian people would NEVER worry about offending others with their ceremony, it is just expected that it is the norm and the basis off which we all plan ours. I've sat through MANY christian marriages and have not felt threatened by it. I would hope that others would be able to enjoy ours without feeling threatened as well. Our ceremony was seen by most people as non-religious, as it seems in many peoples' minds, it's in a church or it's not religious at all.

Good luck with planning yours - if it still seems undoable, I'd do a very private ceremony beforehand between you and your partner, and then do one for family that celebrates your union and the creation of your family, without being religious at all.

[TefferTWH]

I'm Catholic and we can't participate.

Also, Hubby and I were asked to stand up in his brother's wedding and were totally highjacked with being asked to do and say things we weren't comfortable with, sort of a last minute additions thing. It made me very uncomfortable and I no longer will attend weddings that will apply pressure to me in that way. I don't want to ruin anyone's occasion and I certainly don't want any strife, so it's easier to just go to the reception if the participation element is iffy.

[Abarat]

DH and I are pagan and I wrote our ceremony. It was just about a page long. We had a friend perform the ceremony.

We're in the closet with DH's family....it's a whole "don't ask, don't tell" policy that seems to work for everyone. Everyone came and if anyone was offended they didn't say anything.

Of course the whole wedding was unorthodox....we had it outside in our back yard, it was very informal. We did a potluck type reception. Didn't have any type of bridesmaids, best man, or maid of honour.

I was able to write the ceremony in such a way that it conveyed the big points for us and didn't feel the need to include anything very ceremonial or dogmatic....first because I didn't want to offend anyone, and second, because most people wouldn't 'get it' and I didn't want to make the ceremony an hour long just so they would 'get it'.

Anyway, it's your ceremony do it the way you two want to! You're only doing this once so it might as well be what you want!