celebrating shabbat question

[Magelet]

Hey all you Jewish mamas out there, I could use some help. I was raised in a non-religious family, and am slowly starting to reclaim the religious part of my Jewish heritage. (I'm not "Jewish" in that my mom was born christian, and only my dad was born jewish. I'm debating officially converting before I have children, but can't decide if its important. but that's another discussion).

I'd really like to try to start celebrating shabbat, but it seems so hard to figure out how. I mean, there is either way too much information, or not enough. I can't seem to find a middle ground, only extremes, from orthodox rules on whether you can brush your hair to "judaism for dummies" type shabbat is the sabbath, the day of rest.

What I'm looking for is either information or resources about particularly the beginning of shabbat. that seems like a nice friendly, easy place to start. So, I know you say a blessing over the candles, and over the bread and wine. In what order? Are there specific traditions about this that you find meaningful? What if your out at sundown? Do you make sure you are always home or do it when you get home? What are the blessings? Can you use juice of some sort if your underage and thus can't purchase wine? Are there traditions about what the Friday night meal is? Other lovely shabbat traditions you like?

I'd also be interested in blessings over meals. But general blessings. i know there is a different blessing said over different types of food and you have to say lots and well.... I'm just so not there yet. Saying a single blessing or two blessings would be lovely, but learning tons, and varying it depending on what I'm eating is more than I can handle at the moment.

Thank you so much for helping me get started!
Caroline

[ChampagneBlossom]

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[Ruthla]

My advice to you is to take baby steps. When I went from being "completely secular" to being "completely Orthodox", I was a single college student living on campus, and the process took me about a year. With kids and and/or living with an adult partner, you'll have to move even slower so you don't overwhelm the people you're living with or upset the household too much.

I would recomend purchasing a siddur, a Jewish prayerbook. Even if you don't do all the prayers, it's good to have on hand as a resource.

The order for the Friday night blessings is to light the candles and then make the blessing over the candles. Then you make the blessing over the wine or grape juice, and then over the bread. Grape juice is definitely acceptable as a wine alternative, and they both have the same blessing.

I schedule my time around Shabbos and make sure I'm home (with food prepared for both Friday night and all day Saturday) before Shabbos officially comes in- I have a Jewish calendar on the wall with candle lighting times listed for every Friday. You can also get this information online- www.chabbad.org lets you find out the candle lighting times for any location around the world. Other Jewish websites probably do the same thing, but that's the one I'm most familiar with.

You need to do what works for you- even if you only light the candles and "make Shabbos" on some weeks, when things aren't too busy on Friday afternoons, that's still a good place to start.

Here's a VERY brief overview of blessings over foods:

1) On Friday nights, or any other time you make bread part of the meal, the blessing over bread is the only blessing you need for the meal. (This is why the blessing over wine or grape juice is made before the blessing over bread; otherwise the bread blessing would cover the grape juice too and you wouldn't be able to make a special blessing over the cup of wine.)

2) The blessing Shehakol can be used for any foods other than bread or grape juice. It's "more proper" to use the more specific blessings on every single food, and do use the blessings in the proper order when eating from more than one catagory in one meal or snack, but this one blessing does cover everything.

If you want a little more detail than that, the link above has clickable links to more information on food blessings.

[Magelet]

Thanks so much Ruth I don't have children yet, and I'm not living with my partner yet either, (soon : and I suppose taking it in small steps when he moves in might help too) however right now, I am living with my not religious family. That's why I'm trying to take small steps. and also for myself, to get used to it slowly. they might be good changes however its still changes to one's routine

[LookMommy!]

Easy beginnings: 1.
Friday night, light a candle when you think it is sunset. (When you are ready, check official listings, but for now, just look outside). Say the prayer (in any siddur/ prayer book), or make up your own.

2. Grape juice is fine, and some challah (although any bread "counts") - say the "right" prayers, or use your own.

3. Make a yummy dinner and invite friends!

4. Start with eliminating the un-Shabbat stuff you don't like, before you eliminate the stuff you do. So, no laundry, grocery shopping, cleaning, errands, etc. (I started in college with NO HOMEWORK!) Feel the freedom. Eventually, wean yourself from telephone, TV, computer, microwave, etc. Start with Friday night, and add Saturday slowly.

5. Call the local Hillel/Chabad/Renewal Rabbi whatever, and see if you can get invited for Shabbat meals. You are allowing others the mitzvah of hachnasat orchim (divine obligation to host guests), so don't feel shy (but do bring some kosher chocolate as a gift or make a donation to the organization, if possible).

6. Kosher food - try eliminating pork, then shellfish. Separate meat and milk when you are ready. Learn what makes meat kosher.

7. Most importantly, LEARN LEARN LEARN. Start with the library, or Amazon. Make yourself a reading list, by asking Jewish people you admire for suggestions. Mix the heavy (Abraham Heschel, The Sabbath) with the light (The Jewish book of Why). See if your local JCC has classes that interest you.

B'hatzlacha (= wishing you success!) Lisa

[smeisnotapirate]

I agree with the mamas above. Take it one step at a time. I converted to Judaism (Reform, because my DH isn't Jewish), but we live a much more Orthodox life now than we did at the beginning. Baby steps are essential. Here are some of the first things I did.

1. Blessings for Shabbat. You'll probably feel silly the first few times, but JUST DO IT. You'll get more comfortable as time goes on. Just do candles, kiddush (wine), and motzi (bread) to start with. Don't overload yourself in the beginning or else you'll be less likely to do it.

2. Keep kosher on Shabbat. It was tough for me to sort out all the kashrut laws in the beginning, so DH and I bought a roast pan, and on Shabbat, we had a kosher bird for dinner. No matter if lunch before it was crab salad, on Shabbat we ate as close to kosher as we could get in our kitchen. This helped us really separate Shabbat and make it holy.

3. Don't plan anything for Friday nights to Saturday evenings. If there's something unavoidable, so be it, but just try not to plan anything you don't HAVE to. This frees up Shabbat to do what you want. Make it a whole-house no-chore day. That means, if DH hates cleaning out the car, he doesn't do it on Shabbat. If DS hates to brush his teeth, let him skip one on Shabbat (but you should probably have him brush his teeth right before candlelighting ).

4. Keep adding stuff at the level of observance you're comfortable. There's so much beauty to Shabbos that the "restrictions" become freeing, and you'll find yourself prioritizing it once you learn to ENJOY a day to stop and do nothing but nurture your family and your neshama (soul).

And keep us posted, and ask lots of questions!

Keep us posted as to how things are going.

[alexsam]

I also want to say... A HUGE part of being Jewish is community. Pretty much all holidays as well as lifecycle events REQUIRE a minyan (literally, 10 Jews, but more broadly, community). We are told to be together, to invite in others, to mourn together, to celebrate together... Part is about G-d, part is about ritual, but a very large part is about "showing up" and being with other Jews.

I strongly suggest finding a synagogue that you feel comfortable with and try a Friday night service (they are, in general, pretty short services and if you go regularly, you will soon find yourself as part of a community, the songs and prayers will turn from a big Hebrew puddle to individual songs, flow, and meaning. You will meet a Rabbi who can be a guide, you will meet friends... ). If you are in college, Hillel is a great place to start. If not, I might suggest starting your explorations with a Reform congregation, as you would already be fully accepted there through your father, more of the "talking" during the service is in English, etc. I'd suggest, though, also looking around once you got comfortable, as if you do decide later that you want to convert, it is easier for the family to do it before children .

[smeisnotapirate]

I agree with alexsam about community, but I want to add something.

DO NOT be discouraged if you feel like you don't fit into the Jewish community in your area.

[leerypolyp]

Yeah that to everything! (Esp. Sara's point. We are lucky to have a wonderful community in our neighborhood that is a perfect fit, but will be moving and do not expect such a great fit next time.)

We use grape juice. We've really loved observing shabbat, and it's totally changed the rhythm of our week! We're adding in more observance as we go. It's okay to start small!

myjewishlearning.com is a really great place to begin. Tons of info.

[Magelet]

I do already keep kosher somewhat. (I don't eat pork, shellfish, meat and dairy together, and ummm rabbit, etc)

I like the suggustion of starting with just lighting the candles and saying improvised prayers, at the time that seems to be sunset. It seems like less daunting than researching and trying to memorize the prayers at first, and look up candle lighting times every week.

As for the synagogue, its frustrating, there is a synagogue I REALLY love out here, (its a "renewal" congregation) but they don't have shabbat services I always go to Or Shalom for the high holy days though. But I don't really even know HOW to get involved in the community. I'm really shy, and hesitant about reaching out. (I'm working on it lol) I'd also really prefer a congregation with weekly services. But I really didn't like the reform congregation near my house. I guess I should check out some of the ones in the city, even though they are somewhat far away. Or I could try Berkeley, since I plan to move there soon.

Its hard too, because right now, my family that I live with (my parents and sister) are not at all interested in observing shabbat, so I have to do it all alone. and I don't actually have any friends to invite. At least my BF who will be moving out here soon will almost certainly be willing to celebrate with me, between indulging me and the idea of a no chore household for a day lol.

LookMommy, the rabbi wouldn't mind me calling up and asking? seriously? I mean, I know its a mitzvah and all, but well.... I'm really bad about asking for stuff for myself.

[CarsonBookworm]

Hi there!
I'm about four hours away from you....if you ever get up to the Tahoe area, my shul (Reform affiliated, the Rabbi is Reconstructionist and the members run the gamut from mostly secular to " Men only please for my shiva minyan" types of people. We're rather Conservadox personally.) has doors wide open to all!

About calling Rabbis....their doors are wide open. Period. As mine says, "Don't hesitate. Call me for anything, anytime. That's my job."

Since DH was raised in a non-religious single parent family with a Jewish Mom, he knew not a thing about Jewish observance. When we began dating, we started with celebrating Shabbat together. We lit candles and said the appropriate blessings, Did kiddush, motzi and sat down for a nice meal prepared beforehand and walked to Shul. In the morning we studied the Torah portion of the week and discussed it. As the weeks went on, we did more.....

[smeisnotapirate]

No Shabbat services?? Not even Friday Night Kabbalat Shabbat? That's VERY strange. Is there a neighborhood minyan? Generally if there's a void like that, you can find a small group locally to worship with - it just takes more research.

[Ruthla]

Yes, you can just call up the Rabbi (or whoever the synagogue office staff is- a receptionist can be just as warm and inviting and helpful as the rabbi.) If there's more than one synagogue in your general area, you can give them ALL a call, maybe attend services at all of them, and see where you feel most welcomed.

[Magelet]

Smeisnotapirate, yes, it is very odd. they don't actually have a synagogue either, they use either a synagogue of a congregation who is having services elsewhere for that holiday (such as a theatre or auditorium, some of the congregations around here get such big attendence on high holy days that they don't hold the services in the shul. weird to me), or more usually, the UU "church". They only have services on certain holidays.

Ok, I'm going to steel myself and call some rabbis! (ok, actually, I guess I had better look up local congregations first. but then I am!)

[doubledutch]

i've been following this thread with so much interest, as someone who was raised as a sabbath-keeping christian, who no longer believes in that church but misses sabbath keeping and in particular friday evenings. i may have ordered a siddur. i may also have ordered a tanakh. and looked up when services are held locally.

however . . . i'm hesitant to attend because i feel like a poser, especially when i think of running into a jewish friend who will be like, what are you doing here? (maybe that's a silly worst-case-scenario fear and he would never actually be like that, but it's there, nonetheless.) also not sure about acceptable dress for a service with a reform congregation - can i wear pants? if a skirt, how long should it be?

eta: it was scary for me even to post this, with my whole fear of rejection thing. also my kids have seriously german names (hence the doubledutch screen name) and i just don't know if that would be seen as strange, but what the heck, i'm germanish. german-scandi-native-mutt.

[Magelet]

doubledutch

when I have been to reform in the past, I wear a skirt, because I like skirts. At every reform congregation I've been to, pants on a woman are just fine. In fact the "dress code" at most reform congregations is very lax. I don't know that there is one, however, you should dress nicely, and slightly modestly. Bare stomachs, tank tops, short skirts would not be appropriate, in most congregations (I don't know them all so I can't say for all lol), but thats pretty obvious. I know a lot of places its respectful to cover your shoulders, but I can't recall if that was just the conservative congregation or the reform as well. Even just a shirt with short sleeves instead of "tank top" sleeves would do. Just dress how you feel is respectful.

you know, I've never been asked if I was jewish at any synagogue I've ever been to. and no one has been anything but kind to me. God is God, and who is anyone to say that your interest in God is any lesser for you not being Jewish? seems to me. They say Sarah's tent was always open. I've never heard it was always open only to Jews thoguh.

about the names, I'd like to say with certainty it would not be a problem, however I can't, since the crazy rant my great uncle went on when I visited over new years. There still are jews alive who remember their whole family, or their parent's whole family being killed by nazi's, who blame Germans in general. While I wish it weren't so, it is. However, in my experience, most Jews will not have a problem with you being German. I *think* most (relatively, even ) younger jews realize that whether or not they believe civilian Germans at the time of WWII were innocent, modern Germans had nothing to do with the holocaust. I won't say it won't be an issue, because with the oldest set, it could. However, I don't think it will be a huge issue.

good luck and enjoy.

[smeisnotapirate]

Originally Posted by doubledutch

i've been following this thread with so much interest, as someone who was raised as a sabbath-keeping christian, who no longer believes in that church but misses sabbath keeping and in particular friday evenings. i may have ordered a siddur. i may also have ordered a tanakh. and looked up when services are held locally.

however . . . i'm hesitant to attend because i feel like a poser, especially when i think of running into a jewish friend who will be like, what are you doing here? (maybe that's a silly worst-case-scenario fear and he would never actually be like that, but it's there, nonetheless.) also not sure about acceptable dress for a service with a reform congregation - can i wear pants? if a skirt, how long should it be?

eta: it was scary for me even to post this, with my whole fear of rejection thing. also my kids have seriously german names (hence the doubledutch screen name) and i just don't know if that would be seen as strange, but what the heck, i'm germanish. german-scandi-native-mutt.

Pants are universally fine at Reform congregations. At some Reform congregations, they ask you to wear a skirt if you have an aliyah or will be up on the bima. Otherwise, just look nice. (Business attire)

Most likely, your Jewish friends will ask what you're doing there - but in a friendly way. Like: "Hey! It's good to see a familiar face!" LOTS of non-Jewish people visit Jewish synagogues, for whatever reason.

Oh, and my last name is Eiser. ZEHR Deutsch. Your community is most likely an Ashkenazic one, so many, many people will have Germanic last names. Nobody will ask questions unless your kids are named "Adolf" or something.

[doubledutch]

Originally Posted by smeisnotapirate

Most likely, your Jewish friends will ask what you're doing there - but in a friendly way. Like: "Hey! It's good to see a familiar face!"

you're right - you are totally right! i'm such a paranoid spaz.

Originally Posted by smeisnotapirate

Oh, and my last name is Eiser. ZEHR Deutsch. Your community is most likely an Ashkenazic one, so many, many people will have Germanic last names. Nobody will ask questions unless your kids are named "Adolf" or something.

aha, good to know!

[Smithie]

"...i'm hesitant to attend because i feel like a poser..."

I let this fear keep me away from Judaism for 30 years. Finally, I was willing to look like a fool so my kids could grow up Jewish. (My mother's father was Jewish, but he fought with the rabbi when she was a child and stopped taking her to HHDs and didn't send her to Hebrew school, etc., so it just died out in my family.)

Turns out, nobody thought I was being foolish or imposing myself on the community. A year since I started attending Friday night services, I'm involved in a bunch of community activities and organizations, my kids are totally immersed in the preschool level of Jewish life, and we're planning "the big dunk" for April 3rd.

The first prayers I learned were the blessing over wine and the motzi. I found some .mp3s on the Internet and learned from them. Now that I've learned the shecheheyenu (sp?) and the Sh'ma, I pretty much know as many prayers as most other people my age in my congregation.

I think the big things to do for starters are:

1. Hang a mezuzah on your new place when you move in with the bf.
2. Buy Shabbat candlesticks and a kiddush cup, and use them on Friday night no matter how silly you feel. Find out where to buy challah (I get it at Publix).
3. Get yourself invited to a Passover seder! Passover is so awesome, but intimidating to plan and execute in your first year. Chabad is a great resource for stuff like this - don't be scared of them!
4. Figure out what is restful/special to YOU for Shabbat. I really like to see the extended family and share a meal on Shabbat. Avoiding chores is less important to me.

[smeisnotapirate]

Originally Posted by Smithie

"...i'm hesitant to attend because i feel like a poser..."

I let this fear keep me away from Judaism for 30 years. Finally, I was willing to look like a fool so my kids could grow up Jewish. (My mother's father was Jewish, but he fought with the rabbi when she was a child and stopped taking her to HHDs and didn't send her to Hebrew school, etc., so it just died out in my family.)

Turns out, nobody thought I was being foolish or imposing myself on the community. A year since I started attending Friday night services, I'm involved in a bunch of community activities and organizations, my kids are totally immersed in the preschool level of Jewish life, and we're planning "the big dunk" for April 3rd.

The first prayers I learned were the blessing over wine and the motzi. I found some .mp3s on the Internet and learned from them. Now that I've learned the shecheheyenu (sp?) and the Sh'ma, I pretty much know as many prayers as most other people my age in my congregation.

I think the big things to do for starters are:

1. Hang a mezuzah on your new place when you move in with the bf.
2. Buy Shabbat candlesticks and a kiddush cup, and use them on Friday night no matter how silly you feel. Find out where to buy challah (I get it at Publix).
3. Get yourself invited to a Passover seder! Passover is so awesome, but intimidating to plan and execute in your first year. Chabad is a great resource for stuff like this - don't be scared of them!
4. Figure out what is restful/special to YOU for Shabbat. I really like to see the extended family and share a meal on Shabbat. Avoiding chores is less important to me.

I agree with everything you said (and my 2nd mikvehversary is April 24! , except I want to add that if you enjoy kitchen stuff, you should try to make challah. I have an easy peasy recipe if you need one.

What I think all of us is saying - find a community. It's VERY hard to do Jewish without one. And if you can't find one you fit into, come on here. I think I speak for everyone when I say that we'll answer your questions (no matter how silly they seem to you) and we'll help you learn the brachot (blessings) and network to find kosher recipes and retailers.

The hardest part for me about becoming Jewish was recognizing that I needed a community and surrendering to the love and guidance they had to give. It's (sadly) such an un-modern thing to ask for help, but it's a very Jewish thing to do.