I feel guilty

[manamakeri]

We planned a midwife assisted homebirth, but she abandoned us at 37 weeks due to high blood pressure. She transferred our care to an OB, and we haven't heard from her since (9 weeks ago).

We were left with the choice of hospital birth or unassisted birth. We decided to see how things went once labor started as this was our child, and we didn't know what to expect. I labored at home for 6 hours just fine. However, once my water broke I entered transition, and we decided to head to the hospital (partly due to my parents being in the house and them being VERY nervous). Once there, we found out I was 8 cm dilated. After being there for an hour, I was ready to push. She was born about 40 minutes later.

I feel guilty for making the decision to go to the hospital. I feel like I didn't give her the start in life that I wanted for her. Instead of being born to soft lighting and warmth, she entered the world in a cold, sterile world. She was also quickly taken to the nursery for her first bath which delayed breastfeeding and almost led to her being given something to bring her blod sugar up.

After the birth, the placenta would not deliver. After about an hour and a half, the OB tried cord traction and the cord broke. He gave me the option of general anesthesia and manual removal or demerol and manual removal. I opted for demerol. Yeah, that was not the best decision I ever made. He had to reach in 5 times to get all the placenta out as it was coming out in shreds. The demerol did nothing for the pain. The pain was an 10 on a scale of 1 to 10. I screamed and screamed and screamed. Then I had to be given an IV, antibiotic and pitocin (all things we managed to avoid during the actual birth). Due to the antibiotics, baby and I still have thrush. I'm saddened that the placenta was ruined as we planned to either freeze it or plant it with a tree.

I just can't get over the fact that if we had just made the decision to stay home this all would have gone so differently. Yes, in the end, she is healthy, and I am healthy. However, I can't look back on her birth with the joy I expected would accompany her journey into the world.

[buttercupmama]

I'm sorry. I truly know how you feel. This resonates with me too:

However, I can't look back on her birth with the joy I expected would accompany her journey into the world.

Have you tried probiotics to counter the antibiotics? There was a thread I found recently where someone mentioned another supplement that would give your gut a fresh start--even killing off the bad bacteria--which would be great just before introducing probiotcs. I meant to look it up sooner. I'll do that today and I can link the post if you're interested. You can also give your baby probiotics if you'd like. Just to speed things along.

I'm still suffering from the effects of the antibiotics even though we didn't have thrush. I started the (veganized) Specific Carbohydrate Diet and probiotics and the improvement has been just amazing.

I hope you get over the thrush soon.

[guestmama9911]

It is REALLY difficult to give birth at home when the people around you don't support you 100%. You did what you could at the time.

To cure the thrush, buy some grapefruit seed extract and dilute a few drops in a teaspoon of water and place it on your nipples every 1-1/2 hours (the life cycle of yeast is about that long). It tastes NASTY but you should rub some around your baby's mouth where you see the thrush for the same amount of time as well. I've never had thrush last more than 48 hours this way. It also works for mastitis if you ever get it.

I am extremely sorry for what happened with your placenta. I'd like to say you'll get over it with time but you probably won't and you have a right to be angry. You can channel that anger by writing a complaint about the doctor, warning other women about him, and learning all you can in order to avoid it next time. Eventually you will feel both peaceful and upset at the same time. it's a weird thing but you'll know it when you get there!