My stepdaughter has a couple of sisters, one of whom is 12 (almost 13) and spends a fair amount of time with us. At least 1 weekend/month, some holidays and most family vacations.
She is a very bright, responsible kid. I forget that she isn't 22. She's been in gifted programs at school, is a very talented violinist, and is very sweet and thoughtful.
This is all despite not really being set up for success. When she was born, her mom didn't quite feel the same about her as she did her previous child (who is now 20). Her mom had admitted this to DH and to me, although it was apparent that she heavily favors DSD (who is 6) and the 20 yo before she said anything. A few years back, her father, who was uninvolved and lived in another state, passed away. She didn't have much of a relationship with him, but it was tough to deal with anyway. Maybe even more confusing because of this.
The year after her father died, her mom made plans to move to Greece with an ex-con millionaire. Not surprisingly, the plans fell through, but DSD's sister was already *really* excited to start over in a new country. She had been promised a dog and a donkey, and when it didn't happen, it was very disappointing.
She went through a brief goth phase last year, and DH thought, "Oh, here we go... it's time to deal with all of this stuff." DH's father died before he was born, and he dealt with it in his teen years while dressing like Marilyn Manson. Well, surprise! The phase really was more fashion-oriented than anything else, and was over in a blink.
Fast-forward to today. She has a boyfriend. A boy from her neighborhood. He is 14.
DSD's mom has tried to talk to DSD's sister about the boyfriend, and the response she received was, "Mom, you date lots of men." True.
DSD's mom is not crazy about the boyfriend and has decided that she wants to put an end to it. Her two reasons: He has his lip pierced and he smokes. I have to be honest, I'm not entirely sure what the problem is with the lip ring. She isn't anti-piercing (has a belly ring and a nose ring). I understand not wanting your child around people who smoke, but she also smokes. Obviously, she is an adult and free to make that decision, but she also let the now 20 yo smoke in the house when she was underage.
Last weekend, DSD's mom and the 20 yo sister were going to sit down with the 12 yo and have a come-to-Jesus meeting (as she called it) about the boyfriend. She eventually decided that a big sit-down would probably make things worse, and has now decided to just drop hints and make little comments about how DSD's sister is too young to have a boyfriend.
So here is where I come in. DSD's sister is spending this weekend with us, and DSD's mom mentioned to DH that it might be helpful for me to say something about the situation since I am another adult female that she knows and respects. I am not quite sure what to say, though! I need some advice. I know that she would probably be better off without this boyfriend, but I also know how it feels to be young and have a boy like you. I really just want to do whatever I can to set DSD's sister up for success. She has so many gifts, and so much potential. But these next few years seem like a minefield!
Thoughts?
She is a very bright, responsible kid. I forget that she isn't 22. She's been in gifted programs at school, is a very talented violinist, and is very sweet and thoughtful.
This is all despite not really being set up for success. When she was born, her mom didn't quite feel the same about her as she did her previous child (who is now 20). Her mom had admitted this to DH and to me, although it was apparent that she heavily favors DSD (who is 6) and the 20 yo before she said anything. A few years back, her father, who was uninvolved and lived in another state, passed away. She didn't have much of a relationship with him, but it was tough to deal with anyway. Maybe even more confusing because of this.
The year after her father died, her mom made plans to move to Greece with an ex-con millionaire. Not surprisingly, the plans fell through, but DSD's sister was already *really* excited to start over in a new country. She had been promised a dog and a donkey, and when it didn't happen, it was very disappointing.
She went through a brief goth phase last year, and DH thought, "Oh, here we go... it's time to deal with all of this stuff." DH's father died before he was born, and he dealt with it in his teen years while dressing like Marilyn Manson. Well, surprise! The phase really was more fashion-oriented than anything else, and was over in a blink.
Fast-forward to today. She has a boyfriend. A boy from her neighborhood. He is 14.
DSD's mom has tried to talk to DSD's sister about the boyfriend, and the response she received was, "Mom, you date lots of men." True.
DSD's mom is not crazy about the boyfriend and has decided that she wants to put an end to it. Her two reasons: He has his lip pierced and he smokes. I have to be honest, I'm not entirely sure what the problem is with the lip ring. She isn't anti-piercing (has a belly ring and a nose ring). I understand not wanting your child around people who smoke, but she also smokes. Obviously, she is an adult and free to make that decision, but she also let the now 20 yo smoke in the house when she was underage.
Last weekend, DSD's mom and the 20 yo sister were going to sit down with the 12 yo and have a come-to-Jesus meeting (as she called it) about the boyfriend. She eventually decided that a big sit-down would probably make things worse, and has now decided to just drop hints and make little comments about how DSD's sister is too young to have a boyfriend.
So here is where I come in. DSD's sister is spending this weekend with us, and DSD's mom mentioned to DH that it might be helpful for me to say something about the situation since I am another adult female that she knows and respects. I am not quite sure what to say, though! I need some advice. I know that she would probably be better off without this boyfriend, but I also know how it feels to be young and have a boy like you. I really just want to do whatever I can to set DSD's sister up for success. She has so many gifts, and so much potential. But these next few years seem like a minefield!
Thoughts?
:
) handled stuff and it worked great!!!! If they were decent they came to dinner, if not they usually quit wanting to see me, and though I was sad a bit, in hind sight it was usually a good thing. It was never a requirement, just an invitation. I was also allowed to do most anything I wanted as long as I answered who what when where for how long, call if anything changes. this is the approach I intend to try with my own 
