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I'm Jealous of DP's X

post #1 of 27
Thread Starter 
Honestly, I hate admitting that, but I am.
I am jealous and resentful that such a hateful woman gets to share a son with my DP, and I don't.
My DP and I have 4 kids total, but none together. My tubes are tied, and really, I don't want anymore kids, and even if I did, it wouldn't be fiscally responsible at this point in time. I am getting ready to get my degree, and I know that even if part of me does want another baby, I know I am romanticizing the whole process. Right now both of us have 50/50 with our X's, and DP's youngest is 2, and we have him every other week, so it's easy to be like
"Oh I want another baby" when I get a week "off" and what not.

And DP's X hates my kids and me. Funny thing, she is jealous of me, and resents me. She does this thing where everything is a competition, and if she gets wind that we are happy, she starts a storm. Every time she calls or texts my heart rate goes up and I have anxiety. I'm thinking of seeing a therapist.

She likes to threaten and cause drama, and mayhem.

I guess I just needed to vent, and I wonder if anyone else has dealt with these weird emotions

I wanted to add that I am not trying to be hateful, I have just never had to deal with these emotions before, and I am trying to be as honest with myself as possible, kwim?
post #2 of 27
Before I had DS, I had a lot of those feelings. Having a child together is such an intimate thing, and there's a constant reminder of it. DH has said that he doesn't think that our relationship would have made it had we not had DS when we did because I had such a hard time with it. Aside from the fact that he wanted more kids, I think this was one of the motivating factors for him to suggest trying for a baby together (DS was his idea). Looking back on it now, it was probably a good move on his part - I'm still here. And we got DS out of it, which I wouldn't give up for the world.

We all get along fairly well, but DH's ex can definitely stir things up in our house. She just has a way of making little sarcastic comments that really get to me. The vast majority of the arguments between DH and I are about her.

So yeah, I understand your pain.
post #3 of 27
You are not alone. I am right there with you and it's such a mix of emotions when it does stir up.
I have the worst baby fever which doesn't help and dp will not budge on it. No more babies for him. I can't help but take it as 'no baby with ME' even though rationally I know that's not it. Then I start thinking why was she good enough to have 2 kids with but I'm not....then the ugly beast rears its head. His ex starts crud up too if she hears positive stuff coming from our household. She has a lot of jealousy issues mainly I think because he has custody of his kids and they get along well with me. The problem becomes worse because she tells the kids that she thinks they love me more than her. So not healthy.
Anyway, I have no idea how to fix the problem but you are not alone in these feelings at all.
post #4 of 27
Thread Starter 

Thanks

It helps to know that other people have and are going through similar issues.

When I got my tubal everyone told me that I would meet someone and want to have a baby with him/her, and I thought I would never feel that way.

I regret that I had such bad judgment when I had my two kids. I love my kids and know that had I done it any other way they would not be here, but my DP and I talk about how we never had the experience of being with someone we love and wanting a baby until we met each other.

DP and I talk about and imagine how it would be if we were to get prego, but we both know it's just talk. In some ways it helps to talk like that, other times it just makes it seem more painful. Go Away, Dumb Old Baby Fever!!!

Then I think of the X and how full of spite she is, and I wonder how she would feel to know that I am jealous of her parental relationship with my DP.
post #5 of 27
So normal. I felt insanely jealous of dh's ex (before we had our dd), and she isnt a bad mother, or person.
post #6 of 27
It is totally normal to feel that way. I was really upset that DH's ex got to give him a child first and had a hard time getting over that... DH and I actually dated in high school then went our separate ways, and I always wondered what if... so this was especially hard on me because in the begining it seemed ex got all my what ifs... I am glad we had DD together... I don't think I would have been able to handle not having children and that sort of connection with him for long.

I really admire StepMama's that do not have any bio children with their DP's. I can't imagine it really. It just wouldn't work well for me. You are very strong.
post #7 of 27
Quote:
Originally Posted by phoolove View Post
And DP's X hates my kids and me. Funny thing, she is jealous of me, and resents me. She does this thing where everything is a competition, and if she gets wind that we are happy, she starts a storm. Every time she calls or texts my heart rate goes up and I have anxiety. I'm thinking of seeing a therapist.

She likes to threaten and cause drama, and mayhem.
Quote:
Originally Posted by JaysMama View Post
I have the worst baby fever which doesn't help and dp will not budge on it. No more babies for him. I can't help but take it as 'no baby with ME' even though rationally I know that's not it. Then I start thinking why was she good enough to have 2 kids with but I'm not....then the ugly beast rears its head.
I could have written both those posts.
post #8 of 27
And DP's X hates my kids and me. Funny thing, she is jealous of me, and resents me. She does this thing where everything is a competition, and if she gets wind that we are happy, she starts a storm. Every time she calls or texts my heart rate goes up and I have anxiety. I'm thinking of seeing a therapist.



Boy do I feel for you. My heart goes out to you. Best of luck. If you are able to see a therapist, I would recommend it.

Your house sounds like yours. Every time we have a good week, I know the * will hit the fan because his x is so determined to keep the kids from enjoying their relationship with me as well as with their Dad. Serious control issues. It's like she wants to encourage her kids unhappiness so she can rescue them and be the "good mom". It's sad when people are so unhappy in their own lives that they make others' lives miserable.

post #9 of 27
Thread Starter 

wow

Sometimes I torture myself by looking at my DP's old blog and reading about the time during his X's pregnancy and the birth.

That's one reason I am thinking about seeing a therapist. I can't seem to quit digging in the graveyard. I know I need to let it go, because DP and I love each other and we love our kooky little mix of a family.

I know that I have some character flaws that incline me to be kinda neurotic, and obsess about things, but I want to move past these feelings.

Hugs to all the mamas out there who are going through or have had to work through these kinds of feelings.
post #10 of 27
Been there, done that (being jealous that is heh). Once in a while for one reason or another I get a wave of jealousy, and set my pride aside, grab a blankey, look for DP and confess that I'm having one of those moments. He responds accordingly , talks me through my concerns, and it always makes me feel better.
post #11 of 27
Thread Starter 
DP is really supportive of my feelings, so much so that I almost feel guilty about not being able to resolve this on my own.

I know he feels bad that I feel bad, and I hate that. But maybe I will take a page from your book and go to DP for support more often.

Honestly, this post has been a starting point for me to finally start coming to terms with my true feelings and acknowledging that I would prolly benefit from therapy.
post #12 of 27
I feel for you. I've never been in that situation, but I've seen how hard it can be on dh that I had my first baby with my ex. It's not even that we don't have children together. It's just that he knows I shared all that "first time parent" stuff with someone else, and he's only ever had it with someone who wasn't experiencing it herself. I could truthfully argue that I was, in many ways, even more excited to be expecting dd, because I'd been so convinced for so long that I'd never be able to have another baby...but it doesn't matter. It's not about my emotional reality - it's about dh's.

I'm sorry you're in such an unpleasant emotional place about this. Step/blended families are hard. DH and I have about as easy a situation as it gets, and it's still hard.

post #13 of 27
Quote:
Originally Posted by phoolove View Post
Sometimes I torture myself by looking at my DP's old blog and reading about the time during his X's pregnancy and the birth.
Oh, I know what you mean! This morning, me, my stepdaughter and my Hubby were all sitting around in my (me and Hubby's) bedroom just talking, and all of a sudden, my stepdaughter suddenly asking all these questions about the day she was born- was that the happiest day of Daddy's life, did he tell Mommy he loves her, isn't he happy he got a daughter, what was it like becoming a Dad, all that stuff I'll never be a part of, and then she wanted to see the pictures, including the one with Mommy and Daddy and their brand new baby. :Puke It was like watching a horrendous accident- I couldn't look away, but watching was traumatizing.
post #14 of 27
Quote:
Originally Posted by harleyhalfmoon View Post
Oh, I know what you mean! This morning, me, my stepdaughter and my Hubby were all sitting around in my (me and Hubby's) bedroom just talking, and all of a sudden, my stepdaughter suddenly asking all these questions about the day she was born- was that the happiest day of Daddy's life, did he tell Mommy he loves her, isn't he happy he got a daughter, what was it like becoming a Dad, all that stuff I'll never be a part of, and then she wanted to see the pictures, including the one with Mommy and Daddy and their brand new baby. :Puke It was like watching a horrendous accident- I couldn't look away, but watching was traumatizing.
I remember that when I was pregnant with DS, I had to ask DH to stop telling DSD's birth story for a while. I just couldn't handle it. Shortly after she was born, he had this spiritual epiphany that was wrapped up in some events from childhood and from that day. I felt like the day DS would be born could never compete with that.

I also got a little sick of hearing DSD's mom talk about how witchy she was during her pregnancy with DSD.

I got over it after DS was born, because we now had our own story together. But it would have been much harder (if not impossible) if we hadn't had DS.
post #15 of 27
Thread Starter 
We just can't have another baby.

I want another baby, but then I think maybe I only want a baby so that I feel more connected to DP, but what if I had another baby then realized that I didn't need another baby to feel connected to DP, that the connection was there the whole time, and I was just hung up on this one aspect...

Having written that, if I didn't have any kids or just one already, I would jump on the baby train with DP and never look back, but because we already have 4, I think that maybe I need to change my outlook without having another baby.

I also want to add that I am currently reading (again) Spiritual Midwifery, and I just ordered Lady's Hands Lion's Heart....a form of literary torture I am putting myself through (lol, no really LOL)

(I am trying to have a sense of humor myself, but sometimes emotion gets lost in written word...)
post #16 of 27
Quote:
Every time she calls or texts my heart rate goes up and I have anxiety. I'm thinking of seeing a therapist.
i felt much the same for about 2 years with dps X - and also his daughter. not because i hated his daughter but because i was jealous of her. dp went out of his way to see her and do everything for her (still does) but he forgot a little about me and my needs. thankfully now he has realized what hurt he has caused me and we have put that behind us
but at the time i felt like i wanted to see a therapist or a couples councelor or someone to help me / us get through this.

just wanted to say i can understand how you feel and your not alone (((hugs))) and i hope things get better
post #17 of 27
The jealousy never came into play for me around pregnancy.

There was occasion, within the first five or so years of our relationship, of where I had jealousy issues towards my two stepsons, because of the amount of attention I saw my husband giving his kids versus my daughter (when they weren't around). We eventually worked through that one and he has been able to build a decent relationship with her.

I had HUGE jealousy issues (still do carry some resentment) towards my husband's X due to the fact that she has always (twelve years) been able to be a stay at home mom.

It used to bite my butt that both my husband and I did our 40 hours or more per week while she got to sit at home baking cookies and playing with her kids.

Everytime she wanted to enroll one of the kids in an expensive new hobby or something extra like that, I had to bite my lip.

Now I do realize that part of the reason she has been a stay at home mom had to do with the fact that the man that she got involved with after my husband (that's questionable) makes really good money.

After I had my son, two and a half years ago, I was out on maternity leave/PFL and it was the first time in our relationship that I got to feel what it was like to stay at home with one of my children.

My husband's X chose that moment in time to tell us that she thought she was going to have to ask for more child support because they were having a hard time making ends meet...I kid you not.

I was so angry & jealous that I basically had to step away from the situation. I don't know how many months went by before I actually allowed myself to be in the same room with her or even answer the phone when she called.

It takes what it takes to keep yourself and your family whole and happy.

I strongly suggest going to a counselor...maybe a few sessions for you and your hubby and a few sessions for just yourself. It helped both my marriage and me to have someone impartial to talk to about our feelings. I found a therapist that specialized in blended family dynamics.

Good Luck and remember to BREATH!
post #18 of 27
Thread Starter 
Ughh! I feel like such a dork for having all these conflicting feelings.

I wanna have another baby, but not really, but whatever, it's just jealousy.

I was just sitting here with DP crying, and not telling him why I am upset. It's right there on the tip of my tongue, but I don't want to talk to him about this...yet, all I want to do is talk to him because he is my best friend.

I just don't want to put this on him.

I know, I know, relationship 101 is open communication. I just don't seem to have the right words to deal with my own feelings.

I have faith though, and I REALLY appreciate all of you mama's giving me perspective and sharing personal experiences.

Thanks so much.
post #19 of 27
Quote:
Originally Posted by phoolove View Post
She likes to threaten and cause drama, and mayhem.
Been there done that.. when my stepds turned 18 I was jubilant that I no longer *had* to deal with his mother anymore.. if she didn't like how I did things there was not a thing she could say about it since her son was legally an adult.. it was his choice, not hers anymore.. it was so incredibly freeing.. she actually called the cops on me once because he had a knick on his chin.. (my wedding ring knicked him, it wasn't like I scratched him deliberately or anything.. ) she just WANTED to start controversy..

unfortunately her life has gone to crap, and now I just feel sorry for her.
post #20 of 27
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pinoiboyz View Post
she actually called the cops on me once because he had a knick on his chin.. (my wedding ring knicked him, it wasn't like I scratched him deliberately or anything.. ) she just WANTED to start controversy..(
OMG, I know EXACTLY what you mean! My stepdaughter's Mother never called the cops on us, but she had threatened us with neglect charges because she didn't think I dressed her daughter in a warm enough shirt (45 degrees out and I didn't put an undershirt on her under her long sleeved shirt ) and because I don't blowdry her hair after her bath (even in the summer ) so therefore the child will get sick (hasn't yet because of blowdrying and usually gets sick at her Mother's anyways, even when you take into account the difference of ammount of time she's with us, but no, we're neglectful. ) And accused of trying to "turn Katherine against her" because when Katherine told me that her Mother said that Aunt A and Aunt D aren't her real aunts (no blood ties) and I pointed out that Uncle J (from her Mother's side) didn't have any blood ties either, but she calls him Uncle, apparently, I was trying "turn Katheirne against her Mother and her family". Or the time when she threatened to call CPS and have our visitation taken away because my son and my stepdaughter were (play) wrestling and my stepdaughter fell against the coffee table (no bruise, just a red mark that went away after a few hours, and it had never happened before and hasn't happened since), but, geez, my son was barely 10 at the time. Is nothing sacred? Attack MY child because she doesn't like me? : My Hubby and I joke that we should be writing everything down so we could write a bestselling book and get rreally rich off of it. I'm not sure how my stepdaughter would feel about it, but I've seriously considered it...
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