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Introduce Yourself- Tell us your story! - Page 2

post #21 of 48
I'm Heather single mama to my DD for almost a year now. I left my x "on the sly" on a freezing morning 11 mo ago. I ended up in a shelter for abused women and their children for a month but was able to pull it all together enough in that time to find a home for DD and I in that time and maintain my full time job. I will always be thankful for those ladies who run the shelter and support program for victims of DV I truly believe they saved my life. I ended up getting a restraining order that granted me full custody of DD, but dropped it because I felt guilty because x would not do the supervised visitation outlined in the order. I felt like DD shouldn't have to suffer not knowing her other parent because of my decisions. Hindsight is 20/20, that was probably the poorest decision I made of the past year. X no longer physically abuses me but the emotional and verbal abuse continue. He seems its necessary to remind me that I ruined his life by leaving him on a regular basis (playing the victim always). He is unable to face the real reason why I left him, instead believing that there has to be someone else even though the thought of even trying to date anyone at this point in my life has never crossed my mind. He also expects me to help him out whenever he loses a place to live.
So right now I'm working on saving enough money to file for full custody of DD with limited visitation for him, and wishing I could get his parental rights taken completely away (harsh but I can't live like this anymore).
post #22 of 48
I'm a single mom to a 4 yr old girl. I've been on my own with her since she was born. When I met her father he was a recovered heroin addict, clean for several years. He relapsed when I was pregnant, but managed to hide it from me. He became increasing abusive, and I ended up kicking him out when she was a week old. A week later it all started clicking for me that he must be using again.

He contributes nothing financially, and only sees her when we visit the city where she was born (I moved to Toronto when dd was 1 yr old). I tried moving back last year, and it totally didn't work --- he used my need for support to try and manipulate me. He seems like he's off drugs now, but somehow still in that addictive persona. I miss my former life and community, but I don't really feel safe or supported there.

I work for myself doing intuitive energy healing.

It is interesting how many single moms are dealing with ex partners with addictions. When I go back and try to figure out what I could have done differently, the only thing I can come up with is not to have gotten into a relationship with him at all. But I also know that when he came along, it had been 4 yrs since my last serious relationship, and he seemed better than most of the men I'd met in the interim. Live and learn...
post #23 of 48
Quote:
Originally Posted by terranova View Post
It is interesting how many single moms are dealing with ex partners with addictions. When I go back and try to figure out what I could have done differently, the only thing I can come up with is not to have gotten into a relationship with him at all. But I also know that when he came along, it had been 4 yrs since my last serious relationship, and he seemed better than most of the men I'd met in the interim. Live and learn...
Definitely not true of most single moms though. My ex-husband is NOT an addict or abuser; he looks just like the husbands in people's HAPPY marriages. I don't want any partnered mom to read this thread and think "oh, those single moms just chose the wrong man." Most of us are exactly like you - except that our husbands left and yours hasn't yet, see?
post #24 of 48
I totally agree Seasons, I wouldn't want anyone to think that single moms have just picked the wrong man or that you can always control the outcome of relationships...I know single moms who's ex's aren't addicts for sure. There are so many reasons couples split up. But addiction does come up a certain amount in terms of men who just aren't present or participating in raising their children.

I was in a single mom's group when my daughter was 5-9 months old and 6 of the 7 women in it were dealing with ex partners who had substance abuse issues, and maybe that was because women in that situation are more likely to need and seek support.
post #25 of 48
Quote:
Originally Posted by terranova View Post
I totally agree Seasons, I wouldn't want anyone to think that single moms have just picked the wrong man or that you can always control the outcome of relationships...I know single moms who's ex's aren't addicts for sure. There are so many reasons couples split up. But addiction does come up a certain amount in terms of men who just aren't present or participating in raising their children.

I was in a single mom's group when my daughter was 5-9 months old and 6 of the 7 women in it were dealing with ex partners who had substance abuse issues, and maybe that was because women in that situation are more likely to need and seek support.
Very well phrased. I don't mean to minimize, at all, the pain (and need for cameraderie!) of those single moms whose ex-partners are addicts (or abusers). But yes, I did want any partnered mamas to recognize that single moms aren't single because of some bad-man-picking we did or something. There is an unfortunate stereotype of single moms that includes "bad judgment." When we single moms are perceived as having bad judgment in choosing partners, we are similarly, incorrectly, seen -

(1) (by courts, kids' teachers, CPS, care providers) as having bad judgment in parenting;

(2) (by employers, potential employers, our own professors) as having bad judgment professionally, or in juggling career and kids;

(3) (by potential romantic partners) as having bad judgment to establish boundaries and reject abuse;

(4) (by community service organizations) as having bad judgment in parenting and money management; ever notice how many YMCA single-parent opportunities - the few there are - are parenting classes and such?

etc.

And we and our kids are greatly injured by the consequence of those stereotypes.
post #26 of 48
I'm Marissa. I'm 35 and I have a 15 year old daughter, a 10 year old son, and a 5 year old daughter. I am a part-time working mostly SAHM. I actually have two part-time jobs - I clean our church and I work for our township - both jobs allow me to pick my own hours and only work when the kids are at school. That along with child-support keeps us afloat.

Ex left after ten years of marriage when our baby was only four months old. I found out later that he had been having an affair since before she was conceived. So I've been a single mom for 5.5 years and divorced for a year. He is now remarried with a baby (not the person he left for, in case you wondered).

I didn't date for the first four years after he left. Never really wanted to. Never really had time. Never wanted to be the woman going from man to man to man. I was asked out several times but never by anyone who mattered. I wanted it to be someone special. So in May 2007 I went on my first date and he's been the one ever since. We've had a couple of bumps in the road but I can't even begin to imagine it being anyone but him. I love him with my whole heart and I consider myself extremely blessed.
post #27 of 48
i`m 34 and single mother to my 3yo. been seperated and diverced for almost one year. we were together for 4 years, married for 3...short and "sweet"! sad to see how many X`s are addicts...mine got into it also, that`s why we left.

i`m back at mom`s place, in mexico, and i`t been very tough. no good jobs around and it hurts to have my mom pay for absolutely everything...even daycare cus X hasn`t paid in 6 months. so yeah, tough but i got my son with me, i`m getting to see him happy ald laughing, so that`s the best of it all!

looking into finishing my Reiki studies, maybe i can work with that. chau
editing to say that i did have a nother person in my life, moven in with him a few months ago but didn`t work. now i just want to focus on me and my son, only us!
post #28 of 48
I've been separated since October. My husband and I were married for almost 12 years. We are negotiating the divorce agreement and hope to have it settled soon. We have a 9yo son together. I hope to be able to continue homeschooling for a few more years (he's never been in school), but we'll see. I haven't worked in about 10 years, so I'm trying to make a feasible plan that will enable me to support my son and I - I'm seriously considering online grad schools, but on the fence as to what concentration/career goal.

Tara
post #29 of 48
I feel like I should introduce myself. I haven't posted in several years, as just was absorbed in my life.

I'm 33 and the mother to 2 rambunctions boys, 3 and 7. My divorce was finalized in November, and we were separated for a year. I can't say there was anything seriously abusive or addictive in my relationship, other than just emotional manipulation and unhealthy stuff. Although he was unemployed for several years, and I had to support the family, and... on and on. I'm glad to be on my own and make my own choices, and not feel guilty for all the stuff he made me feel guilty about. :

We have joint custody, so I only have my boys half the week, and we have to agree on every health/ legal decision, which sucks. And I'm still nursing my youngest, even though the x doesn't want me to, and ds's teacher, and my dad.... he has speech delays and is going to preschool for that.

My older ds has been having a lot of problems with the divorce, and blames me for it Guess it is my fault since I kicked out xh... but I've been working and talking to him a lot, and he is very loving :

ah, yes, and I am currently unemployed (temporary SAHM?) and selling our house. have to get a job soon though. but I'm sure it is all much better than it was.
post #30 of 48

New

Well my story is my husband (who was in the military) left me to another woman (also in the military) and is now is jail due to this woman. He left on a Tuesday (wouldn't tell me why- just he was tired of being unhappy) and on Thursday was arrested (two hours after telling me he wanted to reconcile). I won't get into the whole gory details because I usually relive it when I think about it and I'm still healing from it. My daughter was 2 1/2 at the time and hasn't seen her father in almost three years. He was the breadwinner of the house, I had to leave my home (on the west coast) and move back with my mother in Atlanta. I have been living in Atlanta for three years now and have received a great opportunity to start a job in DC. Living at home hasn't been the ball everyone thinks it is. My mother, who hated my husband, loved to through it in my face what a loser he was and how I did this to myself. We also didn't have a the greatest relationship in the world to add to this. Yes, I am grateful that my daughter is a happy and somewhat well adjusted little girl but it still hurt to hear that from my mother. My daughter talks to her father once a week and he sends her pictures. I hadn't filled for a divorce, I tell myself because I come from a divorce home and don't want my daughter involved in a war. I wanted to make this as painless for her (mostly me). Anyway, I decided to to let that relationship go and now I have this great opportunity in front of me. My only concern is in Atlanta I have a support group (my sisters and my mother). Once I go to DC, it will only be me. I don't even know how to go about finding a support group (if that's the right term) Excuse the rambling.
post #31 of 48
Hello! I'm a newly single mama. I'm 38, DD is 1. We are leaving an abusive relationship. Stbx has returned overseas to his country of origin where he can rejoin his parents and siblings in the big family business they all run. We've not made it through the court system yet, but I've filed all the papers. His family was never supportive of his relationship with me, and has also shown no interest in DD. I really don't expect him to stay in our lives physically or financially. And I that is truly what I want. I'd give details that would help that make sense in many ways, but I'm protecting our identities. I know that it's not a popular position, but I think it is best in our situation.

I'm looking forward to being part of this group of mama's.
post #32 of 48
post #33 of 48
I'm Emy, 24, and single mama to Ezra, 3. DS' biological father has never been involved and stopped paying child support a year ago (I believe he only paid to that point because he didn't want to be a b!tch in prison, haha, I suppose selfishness eventually got the better of that too). He's never seen his son (we broke up when I was 3 months pregnant)...all the better, he would have been a horrible influence. One year ago I became pregnant again, very unexpectedly, and the father of that child wanted me to have an abortion. I'll never know if he would have been involved because I lost the baby early on, but for what it's worth he does occasionally text me to ask how I'm doing...more than Ezra's biological father. I found a partner in August and we almost became a real family until he left me a week ago. Where do things stand? I don't know...I just hope he just needs some solo time and that it's not over. We did move fast, and considering I have a child and he an ex wife, we were setting ourselves up for issues. I just hope we can overcome it. But, until then, I guess I'm still a single mom.

Mind you, that's an incredibly short version.
post #34 of 48
Hello everyone...

I've posted on here a few times. Mostly just read the posts, though. Everyone on here is so awesome!

Ok, so here's my story... DD's 'sperm donor' and I dated on and off for about a year and a half. He was abusive in almost every way. When I found out I was pregnant, we weren't together, but tried to make it work for DC's sake. We had some bad fights, he agreed to counseling, but before we actually went, he took things to a physical level. I always told him if he ever hit me I'd leave him, and although he didn't that night, he did enough other things that I was afraid of losing the baby or even my own life. I left him then and there. Police were involved, too. I refused to take him back, or meet with him anywhere but in public. He left about a month later. He moved several states away and didn't tell me until he was nearly there. Last I knew he was living with his father and had no job. He called incessently, never talking about the baby unless I brought the subject up. He threatened to have me stalked. At that point I talked to an attorney who said to 'disappear.' He has another child he abandoned on the other side of the country a few years ago. Occasionally talks to DC's Mom, but that's about it. He's not on the birth certificate, and he's totally out of our lives. I've felt a lot of guilt over this, but it was his choice, not mine. DD is WAY better off without him. He has many problems.

So, DD and I are living happily as a two-person family. My family is VERY involved, and DD is spoiled by her grandparents (sometimes I need to reign them in!). Haven't heard from 'him' since right after she was born. And I'm finally at peace with everything.
post #35 of 48
AlwaysByMySide....

Your story brought tears to my eyes. Wow...you are amazing. You seem to have pulled through and risen out of the ashes. I am sure it was a tough (<-- understatement) road. I sincerely hope for all the of the best for you.
post #36 of 48
Quote:
Originally Posted by alysiaanne View Post
Hello everyone...

I've posted on here a few times. Mostly just read the posts, though. Everyone on here is so awesome!

Ok, so here's my story... DD's 'sperm donor' and I dated on and off for about a year and a half. He was abusive in almost every way. When I found out I was pregnant, we weren't together, but tried to make it work for DC's sake. We had some bad fights, he agreed to counseling, but before we actually went, he took things to a physical level. I always told him if he ever hit me I'd leave him, and although he didn't that night, he did enough other things that I was afraid of losing the baby or even my own life. I left him then and there. Police were involved, too. I refused to take him back, or meet with him anywhere but in public. He left about a month later. He moved several states away and didn't tell me until he was nearly there. Last I knew he was living with his father and had no job. He called incessently, never talking about the baby unless I brought the subject up. He threatened to have me stalked. At that point I talked to an attorney who said to 'disappear.' He has another child he abandoned on the other side of the country a few years ago. Occasionally talks to DC's Mom, but that's about it. He's not on the birth certificate, and he's totally out of our lives. I've felt a lot of guilt over this, but it was his choice, not mine. DD is WAY better off without him. He has many problems.

So, DD and I are living happily as a two-person family. My family is VERY involved, and DD is spoiled by her grandparents (sometimes I need to reign them in!). Haven't heard from 'him' since right after she was born. And I'm finally at peace with everything.

I'm from WNY also
post #37 of 48
Quote:
Originally Posted by SunShineSally View Post
I'm from WNY also
I actually moved a few months ago so my family could help out with DD. But I miss WNY so much! I'm going to go back to visit at some point, though, they can't keep me away!
post #38 of 48
Oh good! a Place to get this junk off my chest

Well, in December of 2006 when DD was just over a year old, DH told me late one night that he had cheated on me and was leaving to sort his head out. Said he would be gone for three days which turned into around three months. Came back, said he wanted us. Started working as a waiter downtown, third shift. Got back into drugs and whatnot. We had a big fight one morning when he got home from work, he left again that afternoon. I was cleaning that night to clear my head, came upon a notebook of his, read some things that had just been happening [you don't wanna know], called him and asked him if he meant it when he said he wanted us, he said he would talk when he came home.... except he never did. Since July 14, 2007 he has not called this place home.

He too only sees DD when it is convenient for him. The last time she saw him this time around was christmas eve.: He never pays his truck pymt and since my name is on it i end up haivng to jump in since he is too much of a UAV to call them and give them his address. They think he lives here and so they harass me. I don't even know where he lives. He won't tell me. This is not the man i married.

I teach high school full time which is already stressful, but i am also completing grad school.

I went through some major depression, which i actually feel i had before all this happened but didn't know. Last April I went back to church and found community that i didn't have before and healing. My doc got me on meds and now with spiritual and medical help, I feel like a new woman. DD and I are building an awesome life together in our house. We put a chandelier above the toilet. We build furniture together. We are going to NYC by ourselves in a few weeks! I will be graduating in May and am always surprised when somone shows awe at all i have accomplished during this time period. But then i think about it and i think "well,,, yeah!"

I call myself a solo mom as i am not divorced. I really don't wish to be single and i am not looking for anyone else. i really like me now and the fact that i can read in bed as long as i want.
post #39 of 48
Always By My Side:

You are mighty stong. Keep it up!

Also, we are practically neighbors. I am about an hour away from you in NW GA. Howdy!
post #40 of 48
Quote:
Originally Posted by sinsaratea View Post
DH ... This is not the man i married....He never pays his truck pymt
Quote:
Originally Posted by sinsaratea
I call myself a solo mom as i am not divorced. I really don't wish to be single and i am not looking for anyone else. i really like me now and the fact that i can read in bed as long as i want.
I respect your choice, but gently remind you that if you are not legally divorced (or legally separated, for states that offer that) you are responsible for his debts (now and any he incurs in the future, for so long as you are married). His creditors can call you and require you to pay ALL the debt, even get your wages or bank account garnished.
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