Support Only - Teenagers with Anger Issues and letting go of guilt

[lab]

Hello!

I started this post more as a way to vent my feelings of inadequacy. I think that I am a great mom and I need to stop beating myself up over my kid's behavior.

My son is 15 and is just about perfect in everyway. He has had some issues with anger in the past and it truly was because of some things that his dad and I needed to change. Plus, he was dealing with the suicide of his uncle and was mildly depressed.......

Fast forward 2 years and those changes have been in place for a while. Now I need some help understanding that it isn't always the parent. I don't why this is so hard for me. I don't want to take the blame for things my son does. But honestly, I suppose the reason he was lashing out with anger from the beginning is because is has a lot of natural aggression.


I'm probably rambling right now.

I suppose this post is for folks of teenage boys and girls who are naturally aggressive and need help in directing their energy. Does that sound PC enough?

Some observations that may go hand in hand with aggression is that that son is very controlling. He seems a little OCD sometimes as well. He is gifted academically but lazy in school. Hmmmm..... what else?

Oh - he runs. He participates in Cross Country in the fall and Track in the spring. He generally runs 7-10 miles a day from June until November. That helps!

Anybody else want to vent?

[canadianchick]

I don't need to vent (yet anyway) but I wanted to offer a . Parenting is hard work.

[Oriole]

We recently found out about something dsd did and shouldn't have done, and her dad is feeling like he did something wrong. I am trying very hard to convince him that certain mistakes are there for the kids to make, and there is nothing a caring parent can do about it. They DO make their own choices, and sometimes those are the right ones, and other times - not so much.

*hugs*

[sunanthem]

I know what you are saying, Lab, my 13 year old nephew just moved out after living with me for 6 months, and he was very agressive. He's been through some big things recently too, but I also think alot of boys tend to get more agressive in their teens. I don't know why, really, but sometimes they are intrigued by power, or what they see as strength (violence), and it may not come from the parent at all; it could come from peers, media, or those confusing teenage feelings. Now my nephew has joined a group that teaches boys boxing, specifically so they have an outlet for their anger.
I don't have a teenager yet, so I don't have to deal with it as much, but I'm still part of my nephew's life, and it does hurt to see him like that, and it is confusing.
Perhaps counseling could help?
The running sounds like a great outlet as well.
Sorry I don't have more for you, I wish you and your son the best.

[Dar]

I hope you don't mind me chiming in, but I think this is true for stuff besides aggression... I struggle with feeling responsible for my daughter's spurts of depression, for example. I can tell myself that she was genetically primed for it, but I still think if I had done things better or differently, she wouldn't be/feel this way. And maybe that's true, for me anyway... and maybe it's not... but those thoughts aren't going to help anything. I try to be emotionally there for her and help her but not feel like I'm to blame... but it's tough. Like you, I try to help her find things to make it easier for her to deal, while still being clear that the ownership of the problem is hers.

Anyway, I could relate to needing help in understanding that it isn't always the parent...

Dar

[Cherie2]

I know just what you mean, of course we are more than happy to take credit for anything wonderful they do or are right? lol - so it only stands to reason that we are going to blame ourselves for anything they do or anyway they behave that we don’t like. I am sure there are some things that are our responsibility .. But I am convinced that we (people) come in to this world with a pre programmed personality. The things that happen in our lives and childhood shape that but what was there from birth is the main force of who we are. I remember seeing a show about twins that had been separated at birth, they came together as adults and the similarities were incredible. The same haircut at the same ages, married at the same ages to similar mates, they even brought each other the exact same gift at their first meeting!! So as much as we want to I really don’t think we can have that much effect on who our children are. They are who they are, and I believe are put with us as their parents for a reason (even when I can’t see what it is) I try to trust that.

[SRHS]

Awesome book

So I"m reading "From Boys to Men" by Michael Gurian, and its written for boys not necessarily their parents, but is is awesome!!! It explains the effects of these testosterone surges adolescent boys get. I know what you are saying though, I have one who is naturally angrier, and more aggressive than the other and it is frightening sometimes. (Frightening that they feel such things so intensely, not like I"m scared of him). I have a hard time helping Zac calm down, helping him see things as not quite as bad as he thinks...but hormones are powerful things...sort of like PMS and Post Partum Depression, etc etc. I try to liken it to those hormonal surges we get and try to understand it through that perspective.

Susan