DH is still smoking cigarettes :(

[YayJennie]

This is really just for me to vent and be upset, but if you have any advice/thoughts, please feel free to share.

My husband and I were both smokers for years before getting pregnant. I always knew I would quit when we decided to have children, because I just can't raise a child as a smoker and tell them not to smoke...it's too hypocritical! So I quit early in the pregnancy. My husband agreed he would, and has continued to say he doesn't want to be a smoking father, but I'm over 35 weeks now, and he's still smoking I try not to rag on him too much, but it's really getting to me. My main concern right now is what if I have a long labor? If he goes for a smoke while I'm in labor, I'll flip out. I can't stand the smell anyway, let alone when I'm trying to give birth! And if he doesn't go for a smoke, he'll probably get all cranky because he's not used to being without nicotine for any length of time. I know it's stupid, but if cigarettes ruin my labor I'll kill him! He doesn't smoke inside, or in the car, so it's not a huge concern for the baby, but I still wish he would quit. I don't want our baby to have smoking parents.

Are any of you or your DPs smokers? I smoked for 8 years, so I know it's hard to quit, but I just...did it. Having a baby was enough motivation for me to put down the cigarette. However, I'm worried once I have the baby, I'll start again if my husband is still smoking. And I REALLY don't want to This is really getting to me today.

[filiadeluna]

My DH dips tobacco, which I think is even more disgusting, honestly. What pisses me off about it is that he can do it anywhere as long as he has something to spit into. I find soda bottles and plastic cups all over the house and in his truck with that crap in it. It makes a nasty mess if it gets knocked over, too, and it smells horrible.

I do NOT want my daughter to see that. He has tried many, many times to quit, and never made it beyond a couple of weeks. Anytime something stresses him out he starts it up again. The last time (around Christmas) I thought maybe he was finally going to do it, but he started back up saying he'd just do it "sometimes" for awhile and wean himself off of it. That didn't do squat, as I had imagined. :

I realize that I cannot make him quit. He is going to have to want to do it himself. I've seen him motivated before, but I don't know how to help him stay motivated. All I can hope is that once he sees his daughter he will realize that she won't want to see him end up with cancer, and that he's going to want to see her have her own kids someday. The worst thing is that DH's dad dips too, and that's the whole reason he started. His friends aren't any help. Most of them are tobacco users of some sort, too. All I know is that if he doesn't quit, he's going to seriously regret it someday.

[Motherto4]

My Dh didn't smoke all the time but It really anoyed me when he did. He would go out of his way to hide it from me but "HELLO" you can smell it on your breath even if you have gum. So Finally I told him I was going to tell Israel(our oldest) if I caught him again. So the next time he smoked I said, Israel what would you think if Dad smoked. With DH right htere he said That would be grose and it can kill you if you smoke. That was the warning and he has quit! On occation he will ask if he can have a cigar it's just the sneeking and every day thing. I know you don't have any older kids that can crush him like that but Maybe some kind of threat will work?

[marieangela]

I've just been thinking of this myself. My dh quit smoking when we had our first and then started again, quit smoking when we had our second-for a long time-and then started again. He had quit (using the patch) for over a month this time and then had a super busy, stressful 105 hour work week last week and is back to smoking and I think chewing again. I have never smoked, hate the habit and really wish he didn't do it. His mom is a huge nag and has nagged him all of his life, so I know that's not a way to get him to do or not do something. He never smokes in the house or car, but I just really, really wish he didn't do it at all. It is so tough for him with such a stressful (chef) job and so many people that he works with smoking, too. I just wish he would really think about his health and his family and stick to it.

[eewieew]

Originally Posted by YayJennie

Are any of you or your DPs smokers? I smoked for 8 years, so I know it's hard to quit, but I just...did it. Having a baby was enough motivation for me to put down the cigarette. However, I'm worried once I have the baby, I'll start again if my husband is still smoking. And I REALLY don't want to This is really getting to me today.

i quit smoking almost 4 years ago, after doing it for almost 12. like you, i just sort of decided one day that i wasn't going to smoke anymore, and i stopped. not even a drag since then. the problem is that i am so much more judgmental now. i especially hate the smokers that, as they're smoking, whine about how they wish they could stop, but they're just so POWERLESS. ugh...total bs in my opinion.

therein brings up the issue that unfortunately, your dh will quit when he wants to. but i think that your mama instinct will kick in and keep you off the cigs because you know that it's best for your health, and your baby needs a healthy mama.

have you voiced your concerns to your dh in a non-confrontational way? like not phrasing it as something he needs to do, but something that you're concerned about? i've been hearing (though admittedly have not read much yet) about studies coming out regarding the effects of THIRDHAND smoke...what you smell on your clothes and hands and breath and surroundings is apparently harmful, not just the cloud of smoke itself. food for thought.

[mom2p.m.]

yep I can relate to so many of you mamas. I was a smoker, but quit the day I saw the two pink lines and knew my dd was on the way. My dh has quit off and on since then, but it obviously never stuck. He had been quit for awhile and then when he decided to leave us for a short time a couple of weeks ago he started back up again. at this point, i know it sounds bad, but i don't even care. I mean it is annoying when he has to go out numerous times a day and then comes inside and smells up the whole house. But nothing i do will change him. If i nag him that will only make things worse. So all i can do is.... nothing really. He also had to go get a smoke during the birth of our dd and ds. And yes it was annoying, but he did atleast try to mask the oder with mouth rinse and changing his shirt.

also in regards to the OP, it did make it hard for me after the kids were born and they got a little older not to want to smoke again. I mean I'm home all day with the kids, which i love, but when he sneaks out all the time to get a smoke it makes it hard not to want to do the same. then the thought of smoking again sounds better and better. just to get that break and go outside for a bit and relax. Okay, now i have successfully gotten myself annoyed. Boy, these pregnancy hormones are a #@&*.

[YayJennie]

Thank you so much for all the replies ladies! I really thought I would be alone with this. I'm sure it will work out, but I'm having a crap day, and so I'm focusing on how pissed I am at the smoking! I appreciate all the comments

Originally Posted by jdubbelewe

therein brings up the issue that unfortunately, your dh will quit when he wants to. but i think that your mama instinct will kick in and keep you off the cigs because you know that it's best for your health, and your baby needs a healthy mama.

I really, really hope so! I know smoking while breastfeeding isn't good either, so I'm sure that will keep me quit for awhile, but it is hard when your partner is a smoker and you still wish you were!

also in regards to the OP, it did make it hard for me after the kids were born and they got a little older not to want to smoke again. I mean I'm home all day with the kids, which i love, but when he sneaks out all the time to get a smoke it makes it hard not to want to do the same. then the thought of smoking again sounds better and better. just to get that break and go outside for a bit and relax. Okay, now i have successfully gotten myself annoyed. Boy, these pregnancy hormones are a #@&*.

Exactly! That's what I'm afraid of happening, because I know I'll be tired and pissy and want my 5 minutes of time out to veg outside with a cigarette. Sorry to get you annoyed though

[lila2801]

I agree that until he wants to quit it'll keep happening. Would he agree to getting some nicotine or the patch if just to use while you are in labor?

[*~Danielle~*]

Hugs. I want to acknowledge that it probably will be hard at times, knowing that he is smoking. I didn't smoke for long, and it was over a decade ago that I quit, but every now and then even though I cannot stand cig smoke, I get that urge, that smallish thought, that I would like to have one. I don't do it, and hopefully you will be strong and not do it too. Hugs, hugs, hugs. I feel for you.

[eewieew]

ok, so i do have dreams sometimes that i'm smoking, but it's not because i want to smoke....i actually find them disturbing, and i never enjoy smoking in my dreams.

but i will let you all in on my secret - how i quit smoking. i bought a yo-yo. i realized that it was a hand fixation, so i would still go out for "smoke breaks" at work and at home, but i would just play with my yo-yo. i was so bad at it at first and would become so determined to just do. something, that i would forget about wanting the cigarette. at bars, i would spend the whole time walking the dog over the back of my bar stool. it was ridiculous, but it worked, and people would get super excited to see me walking around downtown with my headphones on doing yo-yo tricks.

believe it or not, after i did it, a few of my friends tried and successfully quit the same way.

[eewieew]

Originally Posted by lila2801

I agree that until he wants to quit it'll keep happening. Would he agree to getting some nicotine or the patch if just to use while you are in labor?

oh, and this. in my opinion, it's the least a partner could do in this situation.

[Multimomma]

You know, I know smoking is REALLY hard to quit. But today I just spent sixteen hours at the hospital with my dad, who had a quadruple bypass surgery. The damage was all caused by smoking, according to the cardiologist who did his surgery. He has lesions in every coronary artery, and there is no undoing that damage.

Ask your dh if he wants his children having to deal with this twenty years down the road. Today has been a living hell, and there's nothing like watching your dad slowly die. He stopped breathing twice, he's oozing blood from tubes draining his chest, and he's had eight units of blood to replace it. It really sucks.

Yeah, support him. Find support for him. There's a nation-wide quit number, they give you free patches, free counseling, everything. But he has to quit. No child should have to see what I had to see today.

[eewieew]

Originally Posted by Multimomma

You know, I know smoking is REALLY hard to quit. But today I just spent sixteen hours at the hospital with my dad, who had a quadruple bypass surgery. The damage was all caused by smoking, according to the cardiologist who did his surgery. He has lesions in every coronary artery, and there is no undoing that damage.

Ask your dh if he wants his children having to deal with this twenty years down the road. Today has been a living hell, and there's nothing like watching your dad slowly die. He stopped breathing twice, he's oozing blood from tubes draining his chest, and he's had eight units of blood to replace it. It really sucks.

Yeah, support him. Find support for him. There's a nation-wide quit number, they give you free patches, free counseling, everything. But he has to quit. No child should have to see what I had to see today.

so sorry that you had to deal with that yesterday. hope your dad recovers well.

[faeriemom]

Originally Posted by jdubbelewe

but i will let you all in on my secret - how i quit smoking. i bought a yo-yo. i realized that it was a hand fixation, so i would still go out for "smoke breaks" at work and at home, but i would just play with my yo-yo. i was so bad at it at first and would become so determined to just do. something, that i would forget about wanting the cigarette. at bars, i would spend the whole time walking the dog over the back of my bar stool. it was ridiculous, but it worked, and people would get super excited to see me walking around downtown with my headphones on doing yo-yo tricks.

OT -- Jenny, the more I learn about you, the more totally awesome I think you are!

[eewieew]

Originally Posted by faeriemom

OT -- Jenny, the more I learn about you, the more totally awesome I think you are!

why thank you :
someone should tell my husband!

[madrone]

Along the yo-yo replacement, learning to juggle and juggling is also good. Juggling requires lots of breath also, so that's contradictory to smoking. Juggling balls can be carried around easily, like a yo-yo.

[herins]

If he actually wants to quit smoking, I personally know quite a few people who have had success with this book.

[Purple Sage]

My exhusband almost missed the birth of our dd because he left to have a smoke, and he spends more money now on cigarettes than he does in child support.

Sorry I don't have any advice. I hope your dh decides to quit...there's really not much you can do except support him the best you can.

[marieangela]

Thank you for posting that book title, herins. I just ordered it for my dh. We'll see if he really wants to do it.

[herins]

My pleasure. I have two friends who started smoking when they were 12 and neither thought they would ever quit, but both succeeded with that book. I'll send some willpower vibes to him!!!