Just found out my SIL lost her baby. :-(

[Sharon, RN]

My SIL (my DH's brother's wife) and I discovered we were pregnant around the same time, and in fact, we were only due a few days apart. We talked about once a week.

Well, my BIL called tonight and said they didn't realize anything was wrong, and went to a regular check-up when they discovered that there was no heartbeat. They are so upset.

We talked for a while, and I told him how sorry I am for them. I don't know what else to do. Now I kinda feel bad about my pregnancy- and really worried something is wrong w/me, too. It's like I feel bad that things are going ok w/ me. I'm sure we'll still talk, and I'm afraid that my pregnancy will become the 800 lb gorilla in the room, ykwim? How can I still share with her, because I think she'd want that, but do it w/ sensitivity?

This was their first pregnancy, and they plan on trying again. I just feel so bad for them, and for missing out on meeting my niece or nephew.

[LizzysMommy]

My sister and I are due within a week of eachother...and this is my fear, too. If one of us does lose the baby, how will we cope with other one being on the same path that we were supposed to be on.

I'm sorry...I don't really have much applicable advice, just s. I would let her decide how involved in your pregnancy she wants to be. Try to be sensitive, but don't let it dampen your joy... probably easy to say, hard to do

[2boyzmama]

Everyone will react differently, but I lost a baby and was due around the same time as a coworker. Obviously different than family, but still someone I saw every day, you know? It was sad for me, of course, but watching her finish her pregnancy reminded me that I really did want to try again, that I really did want another baby. I did not feel resentful towards her, just sad for my baby. And she was cheering me on to conceive again, it was great to have that support.

[Julia24]

I think, unfortunately, that this is something that SHE has to deal with. It sucks and it won't be easy to swallow that green monster - but ultimately it's not your job to pretend like this wonderful thing isn't happening to you, yk?

I would just be straightforward with her, and hope that she returns the favor. My bf was pregnant when I was pregnant last time, and I miscarried - sure it WAS hard, but it didn't make me any less happy for her - nor did I love that baby any less, yk? She knew it was hard too, but I told her the onus wasn't on her, yk?

I know my bfs SIL lost a baby too - and she wouldn't even ACKNOWLEDGE the pregnancy or come to the baby's christianing - hold her - nothing - and that's just plain selfish, imo. It's not my bfs fault that she lost the baby - and it's CERTAINLY not the baby's fault, iykwim!!!

[mom2tig99Nroo03]

i don't have any advice, just a for you and your sil both, it is great you're trying to be so sensitive to her during this difficult time.

[soccermama]

I'm not a member of this DDC, but I saw it on the new post forum and just wanted to extend hugs and love on to you and your SIL.

[texmati]

I'm sorry. I know that this must be hard for both you and your SIL. I wish I had some advice-- miscarriages are so hush hush in my family. I'm glad that you are able to talk to your SIL about this.

[winnie]

to you and your SIL. I agree with everyone above. It sounds like you are going to be very sensitive about it, and hopefully they will still feel the same joy for you and your baby, even though it will be hard.

Not the same thing at all, but my SIL and BIL found out that they are unable to conceive (they've been trying for over a year) just a couple days before we announced that we are expecting. SIL's reaction was to say congratulations, and then burst into tears. We don't blame her at all for her reaction to our news because it was all so fresh for them, but it was hard not to feel bad that we have had such an easy time conceiving. Anyways, just wanted to say that I do sort of know how you're feeling, because we have to really watch what we say about the baby, and make sure we are being very sensitive to their situation.

Erin

[Lisa1970]

I am so sorry!!! ((((hugs))))

[MMx3]

So sorry to hear this. With my first pregnancy, me, my cousin, and my other cousin's one night stand were all due within 3 weeks of each other.

The one night stand m/c at 12 weeks, I m/c at 16 weeks, only my cousin has a healthy (albeight somewhat bratty) almost 3 year old.

It was tough but after a while I came around.

[SarahDC]

Hugs to you & your SIL - very tough situation. I would echo what others have said; just be sensitive to her feelings and acknowledge her loss and her grief. Let her talk if she needs to, but also let her pull away from you if it's too painful for her to be around you.

If you feel like sending a card and/or flowers, or bringing them a meal, I'm sure it would be appreciated. I was touched when people acknowledged my loss and the fact that I was grieving.

[Sharon, RN]

She had to have a D&C today.

I sent her some flowers, so they'll be delivered tomorrow. She lives many states away, so I can't really bring her any food or anything. But her parents are coming to stay w/her.

I will give her a call this week to make sure she's doing ok, and then just let her know that she can be as involved or an uninvolved as she feels comfortable with.

I hope she gets better soon.

(Oh, and off topic- my dh was talking to his parents about the loss, and his brother [the father of the baby] wanted my dh to ask his parents to give them some time alone. Anyway, dh's mom ask me to add her name to the flowers! I can't believe she wouldn't send her own son a card or anything herself! Sorry, pregnancy hormone rear their ugly heads! Am I wrong for thinking this is wrong?)

Thanks for all the responses. I hope they can heal soon, and I certainly do whatever I can to help.