Originally Posted by IsaFrench
so I wonder how you can justify the idea that adult children cannot have a go themselves at using their own ideas with their own children ....AND be respected in their role of parent who is standing on their own two feet making decisions for themsleves, their own life and their own children ... according to their own beliefs .... and who says that every adult child is obliged to believe precisely the same things as their parents on every subject ????
I didn't think that I was implying that people should not follow their own beliefs on what they think is right and proper in raising their own children.
I thought I was advocating listening to what the over-bearing in-law was saying, and then either:
A) ignore it, or
B) Briefly state one's own position, like when I suggested the reply about buying a bigger house etc. that they want to be more conservative (fiscally) in this economic climate.
|It might not be physical abuse but it is psychological abuse
.... and having to stand people telling you over and over what seems totally alien to you ... and pretend that it's not jugemental and that the insistance doesn't end up bothering you ....it doesn't seem natural .....
I agree, that sounds very abusive and is something that I've never encountered in my life.
|but I don't belive that every grand parents should expect to be able to take over the upbringing of their grand children and impose their own beliefs and ways of doing things on their adult children .... especially when the spouse is from a different culture .... (AND might not actually think that the grand parents did such a wonderful job raising their own children since the arrival of children in a couple may awaken some deepseated conflicts from their own childhood, that were not apparent during courtship and only re-surfaced when the spouse became a parent themselves ......)
I agree completely that no one has the right to control the upbringing of their grandchildren and impose their beliefs on them. However, we cannot say that they are completely disinterested parties either. Unless we want to completely break with our families of origin, we will sometimes have to deal with our parents and parents-in-laws ideas that are quite different from ours. Then, it becomes a question of choosing our battles.
My m-i-l thought it was very important that our babies tummies be wrapped up in their first few days. Also she and my DH were convinced that the babies' stomachs should never be exposed to air when sleeping (always wear at least an undershirt) when they were infants. To me, that was not something I would have done myself. But, it seemed like a pretty small issue, so I was "whatever" & followed this practice.
Other things, that have major impact on the health and well-being of the child, then of course you have to do what you think is right, in the face of opposition. But when I read the OP (and I may have mis-read it) it seemed that so far the major issues seemed to be:
* In laws hinting broadly that she go back to work
* Husband not calling them on the broad hints
* Mother-in-law saying she should wean at one year
* Fears that IF she did go back to work & IF they looked after the baby, they MIGHT not feed the baby expressed milk,
So, I thought if the main thing she is dealing with is hints and fears of "what if", she might be able to deal with it in a way that was a half-way point between:
A) "Yes, mother-in-law, whatever you say",
B) "I will not listen to your wrong-headed ideas. She is MY baby and if you keep talking this way, you won't see much of her in the future."
I also did suggest that she make it a condition of their looking after the baby that they feed the baby the expressed milk & also suggested providing La Leche info in Chinese [http://www.llli.org/docs/chinese/ChinesePrevent.pdf]
or to say that 's doctor's orders.
|what worries me in such situation is
-how am I going to teach my own children to stand up to bullying if I have to put up and nod to people who insist I should do what they want me to which is totally alien to my own beliefs and feelings , even though it might be with the best intentions, that is not the point, the point is that it is disrespectful to insist and insist when someone already said no ..... isn't it like emotional rape?
I meant nod as in "I'm hearing you", but not as in "Yes, I agree with you, and do as you say."
As for listening to people "insist and insist" = emotional rape. Sometimes I'm sure it must be and then the only recourse is to leave.
Other times it may be a sort of background noise ("Oh yeah, that's her, nagging again...ho..hum... she'll finish in about 2 minutes and then we can move onto that interesting recipe I was hoping she'd share...") that someone can easily ignore - so dependent on situation and personality and power dynamics. Situations alter cases.
|I hope what I wrote didn' offend you, I 'm open to further discussion on that subject that is a great preoccupation of mine these days ....just my little one just woke up ......so I must stop now ....
It's a fine thing to discuss, and I'm not offended. I think that these discussions can lead into all sorts of interesting realms:
* questions of kinship & responsibility
* questions of authority - what is legitimate authority & who possesses and when?
* questions of culture & psychology - when is listening and ignoring a valid strategy, and when does it devolve into pathological passive-aggressive weirdness?