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What do your LOs call you?

post #1 of 21
Thread Starter 
I'm sure this has been asked before, but I did a quick skim over the recent few pages and couldn't find it. So please forgive me!

I'm in a polyamorous relationship. I'm the bio mom, and my boyfriend is married to my girlfriend. We're trying to figure out what they should be called. She would be okay with also being called "mom," but though I'm torn, I haven't been able to find anything "better." Even boyfriend is wondering if he should be called daddy or "Uncle DP" or something.

So, what do you think? What do your little ones call you and your family members?

Any help would be appreciated.
post #2 of 21
How about this:


You = Mama
Girlfriend = Mommy
Boyfriend = Baba


Could that work for you?
post #3 of 21
We're Mom (me) and Mama (dw).
post #4 of 21
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sohmakun View Post
How about this:


You = Mama
Girlfriend = Mommy
Boyfriend = Baba


Could that work for you?
It might! I'll have to ask m'loves and see what they think.

Thanks!
post #5 of 21
I'm Mama. My wife is Ima (we're Jewish).

Am I correct in understanding that the only naming dilemma is that you need two mom names (i.e. there is only one dad? If so, he can pick his preferred moniker, no?)

Are you and your girlfriend planning to take on relatively comparable roles with the kiddo? If so, I strongly recommend considering making sure she take a recognizable parental name (Mama, Mommy, Mom etc). It made a big difference to me, as a non-bio-mom, to have an easily identifiable role and name that my daughter confirmed as soon as she started to speak. Even though we look nothing alike, and she's often seen around the neighborhood with her other mom, there is no doubt about who I am in relation to her when she runs to me hollering "Mama." My wife has also found that, though she is happy to be an Ima, she was surprised at how uncomfortable a less recognized name made her in some circumstances. In some ways, it really helped her understand what it can feel like not to be assumed to be a parent, which is something that non-bio moms in families with two moms (whether there is also a dad or not) can really struggle with (I did early on, not so now, but the name really did help). It does help in our case that there are other kids with "Imas" in our social circle, several with opposite-sex parents, so it was just the preferred moniker for the mom in question.

--Lyn
post #6 of 21
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by lyn_ftst View Post
I'm Mama. My wife is Ima (we're Jewish).

Am I correct in understanding that the only naming dilemma is that you need two mom names (i.e. there is only one dad? If so, he can pick his preferred moniker, no?)

Are you and your girlfriend planning to take on relatively comparable roles with the kiddo? If so, I strongly recommend considering making sure she take a recognizable parental name (Mama, Mommy, Mom etc). It made a big difference to me, as a non-bio-mom, to have an easily identifiable role and name that my daughter confirmed as soon as she started to speak.
You're correct -- somehow coming up with two mom names has been difficult. There is only one father, and I'm not sure why that would cause a dilemma. I guess he's just trying to be sensitive to our unique situation. ^^;

I would love to have an equal, comparable role with my girlfriend. My parents seem to think that will be a bad idea, and will more than likely freak if they hear their grandbaby call her "mama" (or any other recognizable variation). But that's a battle for another day.

I know this is all going to be difficult for her as the non-bio-mom, and I want her to have a name so that she'll feel included in of all this. The bottom line, and what my parents refuse to understand, is that I want her to be a part of this.
post #7 of 21
since we were both going to be mothers, we went with what we each called our own mothers - thus she is "mommy" (sometimes morphing into "mummy" thanks to all that irish influence) and i am "mama." one day at lunch DS was asking "who is my daddy?" and we said "you don't have a daddy. you have two mothers." and he replied "no i don't! i have a mommy and a mama!" so obviously he gets it...

good luck!
post #8 of 21
Me= Mama (nonbio)
DP =Mom/Mommy (bio)

it will be the same also when I become the bio mom this time around!!:
post #9 of 21
I'm mama and DP is baba.
post #10 of 21
i'm mum and dp is mommy. i'm scottish, hence that's where mum came from. currently our 18 month old calls dp mama and me ma - he can't quite get mum just yet.

funny story related to this somewhat - at daycare last week when i arrived dp was already there with our son and one of his classmates looked at dp and then me and said "are you <our son's name>'s daddy? and i said no, he has a mum and a mommy. she looked puzzled for a second and then carried on playing. i think the other parent's are in for some interesting conversations! lol!

g
post #11 of 21
I'm mama and my (trans) partner is papa.

Though, our DD is only 6 months old, so at this point, she's not actually calling us anything. The name thing is big though. It's good to have an idea ahead of time of what you each want to be called, because the moment s/he's here, people will start referring to you that way. It really bothered my DP in the beginning when people would refer to me as O's mama, and just call him by his first name. Now we make a point of referring to him as papa so that other people can hear it and get it.
post #12 of 21
Me (non-bio) Mama
DW (bio) Mommy

DS has just in the past 2 months been able to say mommy. Before that, he called us both mama and was clearly starting to get a little frustrated at having to point all the time! Good thing he can say mommy now.

Sometimes he goes "mommy, mommy, mama" if he is talking to me and it's like it takes him a couple tries to get right who I am and vice versa. Not sure what that's about but it's cute.
post #13 of 21
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by megan sacha View Post
Before that, he called us both mama and was clearly starting to get a little frustrated at having to point all the time!
That had been one of the things I was wondering about -- how the little ones handle it at an early age. He sounds adorable!
post #14 of 21
Quote:
Originally Posted by serenekitten View Post
That had been one of the things I was wondering about -- how the little ones handle it at an early age. He sounds adorable!
Trust me, they find their ways to communicate!
post #15 of 21
dp and i have four children. two bio mine and two bio hers.
i am mom for my two
she is mom for her two
i am aunt for her two
she is aunt for my two

works perfectly. we each get to retain that bond that only pushing a child from your body can give you while the other still has the respect of family.

good luck - can't wait to hear what you decide.
post #16 of 21
Quote:
Originally Posted by olivedo View Post
dp and i have four children. two bio mine and two bio hers.
i am mom for my two
she is mom for her two
i am aunt for her two
she is aunt for my two

works perfectly. we each get to retain that bond that only pushing a child from your body can give you while the other still has the respect of family.

good luck - can't wait to hear what you decide.
That sounds like it would be confusing to me (for the kids and non-family members), and that it would emphasize genetic relationships (which may be your intent), which I think could add complication to many queer families. It could also potentially cause people to think that you and your wife are sisters.

I also do not feel that I am any more bonded to my children than my wife is, even though I carried them inside me.

Lex
post #17 of 21
Quote:
Originally Posted by olivedo View Post
works perfectly. we each get to retain that bond that only pushing a child from your body can give you while the other still has the respect of family.
I'm really bothered by the assumption that you're implying here - that the biological connection is somehow different from any other, and that sharing that level of bonding somehow diminishes one's motherhood.

That hasn't been the case for the lesbian moms I know well, nor for the mothers I know who have adopted. I haven't mentioned the moms I know who've had surgical births, but I'm guessing that they feel just as much like moms as those who pushed their children out.

I'm guessing maybe it's different for you, perhaps in part because you had your children separately before you got together, but even then, do you think that the bond is necessarily different for the non-birth parent?

My kiddos are gonna call me Papa - the dog is still calling me daddy, but she'll get over that.
post #18 of 21
Quote:
Originally Posted by olivedo View Post
dp and i have four children. two bio mine and two bio hers.
i am mom for my two
she is mom for her two
i am aunt for her two
she is aunt for my two

works perfectly. we each get to retain that bond that only pushing a child from your body can give you while the other still has the respect of family.

good luck - can't wait to hear what you decide.
I agree that this sounds very confusing for the children and other people in their lives (and seems it would be for you too). Clearly, you must see the children very differently based on who birthed them which isn't at all how our family works.

Whatever works for your family...but I do take offense to the statement of the "bond that only pushing a child from your body can give you" for several reasons. First of all, I am the non-bio mom and I can't imagine being more bonded to my son. In fact, I think both DW and I would agree that we both have special and different bonds and in some areas, mine is stronger than hers. For instance, I am the "interpreter" for our toddler, understanding his words more than she does. Also, our DS was birthed via c-section and my DW certainly isn't any less bonded to him because her very long labor ended in a c-section and she didn't push him out of her body.

I'm sure you weren't meaning to be offensive but I did get offended.
post #19 of 21
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by olivedo View Post
works perfectly. we each get to retain that bond that only pushing a child from your body can give you while the other still has the respect of family.

good luck - can't wait to hear what you decide.
I understand what you're saying. Now that I have some ideas to run past my partners, we can discuss it again and see where to go from here. Thanks for your help!
post #20 of 21
i agree with the statements from lex, papa and megan_sacha. i know that dp is no less bonded to our son than i am and she didn't push him out of her body! mom/aunt sounds way too confusing to me.

g
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