Why is it so hard?

[rabrog]

It's so hard to be the parent who wants more for their child. No one around here understands why we're in lotteries for the magnet school, the Montessori charter and will be checking out the new charter school. No one understands why the public school that is almost in our backyard isn't good enough. No one understands why we're concerned about the schools when DD will obviously be at the top of the class for K. No one understands why "good enough" isn't good enough.

It's hard to wait for the lottery dates, not knowing what's going to happen, worrying about plan B and plan C, coming up with a plan D...ugh.

Jenn

[mom2ponygirl]

It is tough when others don't understand. We also have a girl who wasnt' going to be a good fit for the local public school. You are fortunate to at least have a few choices though! Good luck on the lottery results, I hope that she gets into the best possible fit.

[fadedgirl]

Some people may find it demeaning or elitist. Others may believe that their school is excellent (and maybe it is!) and so therefore, cannot understand why one would want to go elsewhere. There are also those who aren't that overly concerned about it from any standpoint, as long as the school seems good enough and their kids aren't being abused. My SIL is one of these laid-back folks; she thinks I'm very silly to waste time worrying (read: obsessively stressing) over which school to send DD to, not to mention nuts to spend extra $ to do so.

I think there are a lot of reasons why this is sometimes a delicate issue. Some people are insulted when someone (even if indirectly, by choosing not to send their kids there) insinuates that the school choice they made for their kid(s) isn't good enough.

But by the way your post is worded (or how I read it), you are seeming to state that you want "more" for your child as though other parents do not, which would put almost anyone on the defensive. Not sure if you really meant it that way, but it comes off as fairly haughty. I find that the way I present my reasons (when asked, I don't spontaneously volunteer reasons) for wanting to send DD to private school makes a very large difference in how other mamas respond and whether it makes them feel comfortable or becomes a segregative issue between us.

So yes, it does present its challenges. But once your child starts attending, you will be amongst plenty of other parents and will most likely find a few that have the same wishes or priorities for their kids as you do.

[pranamama]

musing and coming up with you've only got one to shuttle to schools, logistically if you have siblings the benefit of having them in one place(or even one system) is very valuable.

[rabrog]

Fadedgirl, when asked I just say we want smaller class sizes (and in the school that we'd be going to for public, there's 28 kids to 1 teacher!) and so we're looking around. I think some of it comes from the fact that other people didn't think of the other options, or didn't know the school situation and just stuck their kids in the neighborhood school and now don't know what to do. DH and I have talked about it at length and we were both bored in school because we knew the material (for me it eas English, for him it was math) and we want our kids to be challenged.

As for logistics of where a child goes to school, it doesn't matter. Even with the pubic school on the other side of the block from us, we'd have to drive the kids most of the school year. It would only be nice enough to walk to and from for a few weeks at the beginning of the year and a few weeks at the end. Everything else would be too cold (most of it below zero) for them to walk and we live too close for the district to pick them up.

Jenn

[swampangel]

Jenn, I'm in the same boat. I don't worry so much why folks don't understand, though. I figure we all come at this from different places and when we start to question or judge one another, it gets trickly.

I'm in the same situation waiting for lottery results. It's nearly killing me. We are in such a bad fit right now - and we have 28 kids to 1 teacher! And that isn't the worst part, really. It's terribly punitive, very backward in terms of behavior management and the worst kind of teaching the test I've seen. I'm hopeful that our number/name will come up for other schools and the waiting is so hard.

Hang in there. Things do have a way of working out.

[je309]

We chose a private school for our dd for several reasons and got the same kind of feedback from others. We are passing on our neighborhood school because it isn't a good fit for my dd and that seemed to rub a few people the wrong way. I too used the class size argument when speaking with them and you really can't argue against a class size of 16 kids in one class with a teacher and an assistant (private) opposed to 27 kids in one class with one teacher (public). My little girl is shy and quiet and we did not feel as though she would thrive in the public school setting. Now that we are over 1/2 through the year, I don't get the comments anymore. Just let it all roll off your back and do what is best for your child. That's all that really matters!!

[ginger_rodgers]

Jenn, it's just a fact of life. Most people don't want to think hard enough about what's served up to question it, anyway, and when you do, you make them uncomfortable. Too bad for them. Do what you know is right for your child, and if others grumble about it, consider the lot of the average American these days: deep in debt, fat, not so hot with the reading or the math, ignorant of history, kind of nervous about those scientists and their voodoo talk. Hey, they elected Bush twice. This is, I'm sure, not what you want for your child, and I see no reason why you should apologize for it.

Bottom line: Ignore 'em.

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by rabrog

No one understands why we're concerned about the schools when DD will obviously be at the top of the class for K. No one understands why "good enough" isn't good enough.

If you are expecting people to be all over the moon about you talking about how your child is brillant and needs something special because she is so smart, you will never, ever get that (except from may be a grandparent). And chances are, you'll lose a few friends in the process.

Please try to think about how you sound to someone who'se child is struggling.

[mammastar2]

I fully support parents choosing what works for their particular children and their family - we've had kids in private, in an alternative school, and homeschooling.

That said, do be sure that you don't dismiss the neighborhood school too quickly. So far, even in light of all of the various experiences we've had, the neighborhood school experience has been the absolute best. We really appreciate the sense of community, the opportunity our daughter has to know the people she lives around (which helps her feel happy and comfortable), and the energy and enthusiasm of the teachers. The school isn't 'tops' in testing or in offering specialized programs, but we're thrilled.

Also, just curious - why would you have to drive them if it's just down the block?? Is it a busy highway? Here we have bitterly cold temps for months, but kids still walk to school...something that sounds crazy when your child is small can quickly become no big deal as they get bigger.

[ginger_rodgers]

Originally Posted by Linda on the move

If you are expecting people to be all over the moon about you talking about how your child is brillant and needs something special because she is so smart, you will never, ever get that (except from may be a grandparent). And chances are, you'll lose a few friends in the process.

Please try to think about how you sound to someone who'se child is struggling.

Gee, maybe she needs to move, then. Around here people don't seem to react that way, and I don't react that way to others. There are kids around here who are obviously very bright and do need more. My kindergartner's not reading well yet, but that doesn't mean I burn with envy when my friend's daughter manages to get put ahead a grade. I'm relieved for the kid and look for more for her, because even that acceleration is obviously not going to do it for her.

I used to worry about hurting the feelings of a family down the street, whose child is severely autistic. The dad's a science prof and the mom's SAH, but well-educated. Eventually I realized they're not busy comparing their son with others, and whatever regret they may feel, they're glad to hear about other kids' progress and needs.

[ginger_rodgers]

Originally Posted by mammastar2

That said, do be sure that you don't dismiss the neighborhood school too quickly. So far, even in light of all of the various experiences we've had, the neighborhood school experience has been the absolute best.

An excellent point. Much depends on the people, and you won't know what the dynamic between them & your daughter produces till you try. If public school's the simplest & cheapest solution -- sounds like it is -- I'd at least give it a chance. No lasting educational harm will be done to the child if she's drooling with boredom for a few months in kindergarten before you move her.

[karne]

My children are in public school. We moved them, our choice, from an expensive private school to public. Despite my pre-conceived notions, I have found the other parents to be amazingly well informed, involved and supportive of their children, the curriculum, and the teachers. I have learned quite a bit from the other families, and frankly, it's been a humbling experience. I would not assume that other families care less, or strive for less, based upon your sense of what their choices are. Having been in both public and private I can say that most parents I've come across simply want the best for their kids. How that happens may differ family to family.

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by ginger_rodgers

My kindergartner's not reading well yet, but that doesn't mean I burn with envy when my friend's daughter manages to get put ahead a grade.

Did your friend find this hard and want to you join in the drama?

The problem isn't with wanting to do what you think is best for your child, it is in wanting others to join in our drama with us.

[Miss Information]

Originally Posted by rabrog

It's so hard to be the parent who wants more for their child. No one around here understands why we're in lotteries for the magnet school, the Montessori charter and will be checking out the new charter school. No one understands why the public school that is almost in our backyard isn't good enough. No one understands why we're concerned about the schools when DD will obviously be at the top of the class for K. No one understands why "good enough" isn't good enough.

It's hard to wait for the lottery dates, not knowing what's going to happen, worrying about plan B and plan C, coming up with a plan D...ugh.

Jenn

I would find this very arrogant if you were to make the comment around me, as a parent of a child in public school, who is at the top of her class and as the parent of an even more advanced preschool aged child, who probably will merit a grade skip in time at the rate she's advancing.

I do want more for my children. I do give them more at home (I have a strong science background myself and teach them all kinds of above level math and science concepts). I do not really want to pay the higher price for a private elementary school education. I'd rather save my money for their college tuition and teach them what I want them to know.

As it stands now, first grade dd1 is reading at a fifth grade level (Harry Potter books), and is doing multiplication at home.

Dd2 has been having extremely good success for her special needs (selective mutism) at the same elementary school that she did not get at the community preschool I sent her to. They just didn't have the resources to handle her special case. I have nothing but good things to say about the public school system here.

I have friends who are choosing to go to private Catholic schools for similar reasons - they expect that they will be getting more quality for their money. But in fact, I have heard from two different sources that children coming out from at least one of the private Catholic schools in my area are deficient in subjects that they wouldn't have been had the been in the public school system from the get-go.

[sunnmama]

Originally Posted by rabrog

It's so hard to be the parent who wants more for their child.

This sentence is a bit off-putting.

We have lots of alternative schools available to us, for fee (private schools), or by lottery (magnet schools). Dd is working at the top of her class. Still, we use the neighborhood school--thoughtfully and conciously. I believe her school does provide "more", but maybe a different "more" than you are seeking. And that is ok, different folks and all.

It wouldn't bother me if a friend chose a school other than the neighborhood school. In fact, dd's best friend goes to a private Montessori. What would bother me, though, is if her friend's mom spoke critically of the neighborhood school which she never tried (she doesn't at all)--especially if she implicated that our school was an inferior choice.

Different choices....not better or worse.

[rabrog]

I wouldn't use that sentence except here, because I know the mamas here taking careful consideration on what and where their children are being taught. It's not the same in the real world here. Most parents just shrug that their kid is doing "fine" in whatever school. I only know a handful of parents who aren't happy with "fine."

As for my DD being ahead, the public school K curriculum is stuff she's known since she was 2yo. It's not hard stuff - shapes, colors. IMHO, it's a dumbing down of the children. The curriculum is a shot in the dark as it seems different schools/teachers teach it differently so what one class gets could be the simple stuff and another class could get a lot more out of it.

The one good K teacher at our neighborhood school is taking sabatical to have a baby next year. The other K teacher I've heard nothing but complaints about.

Since we live so close to the school, they will only bus for K students. After that we have to provide transport. We would have to drive most of the year because it's Alaska so it's 20 above to 50 below zero from end of October to mid April.

Jenn

[sunnmama]

It sounds like you have good reasons to look for another school. If the other parents just blindly accept the school (including the teacher they complain about, without trying to improve it), and are critical of your efforts to find another option for your dc, I'd just "consider the source" and try to move on.

this:

Originally Posted by rabrog

20 above to 50 below zero from end of October to mid April.

is my personal hell : lol Stay warm!

[ginger_rodgers]

Originally Posted by Linda on the move

Did your friend find this hard and want to you join in the drama?

The problem isn't with wanting to do what you think is best for your child, it is in wanting others to join in our drama with us.

Actually it really was hard. Our district discourages acceleration, and the girl had burned through the 2nd grade curriculum...well, years before, really, but she'd gone through all the books in 1st. I felt for both the girl and her parents. The district TAG people eventually agreed to put her through what seemed like a really long set of tests -- it dragged out for over a month -- and throughout, my friend was worried about what they ought to do. And trying mightily to be patient in the face of bureaucracy.

She's my friend, so of course I listened and sympathized, and offered what help I was able to.

[oceanbaby]

We just moved into one of the top school districts in the county, and we homeschool. So we do get some confused looks about that, and I am very careful when talking with neighbors about our choice. Every parent I know whose child is in school, public or private, wants the very best for them, and works hard to make sure their child gets what they need. In fact, I think most of them are working harder than I am! They all put in so many volunteer hours, and are super involved in the school.

FWIW, have you toured all of these schools, the local and the charter? Because I did a lot of tours, and a lot of the charter schools were nothing to write home about, and some of the "public" (put in quotes because the charter schools were public too) were really great. In fact, the very expensive, private Montessori school around here prides themselves on large classroom sizes because they say that it helps to further the whole independence thing that they are big on.