Dr. James Dobson books

[paddyfinnsmom]

My mom bought me 3 of this man's book to deal with my "strong-willed child". Holy cow! I've never been in favor of book burnings, but I gotta tell ya, I might be torchin' these. Yikes. Anybody else had these thrown at ya?

[chapulina]

I've perused the strong-willed child book (not the revised edition, however) and its pretty sad - just another advocate of adversarial relationships between parents and children. Written in the style of "they're-out-to-get-you-unless-you-stop-'em-early"; I remember his story about his wife having a "battle of wills" with their 9month old daughter.......just crazy.

Overall, his organization seems to have taken a slightly softer approach to the parenting thing (emphasizing developmental appropriate behaviours a bit more.)., but still advocates of hitting children for certain offenses.

[sleeping queen]

James Dobson has more parenting sense in his little finger than all the other so called experts I've read from. I just read his dare to discipline book and he has very clearly pointed out that there is two dangerous extremes in parenting one being to permissive and one being to controling and harsh each being damaging to a child. He is very right in so many areas. Like he says if you have a young child that is totally disrespectful, dissobedient, what are you going to do by the time they're teens. If your child doesn't learn at a very young age that you love them unconditionally and that you are in charge you are setting yourself up for trouble down the road.

[Achelois72]

The first thing my in-laws did when they found out we were pregnant was to send us a copy of DAre to Discipline. I read the entire thing during my pregnancy, and I have to tell ya, at the time I thought it made a lot of sense. And I still do think he has a more balanced approach than some of the scary "experts" out there, but I guess I have a real problem anytime I'm warned about getting "manipulative" children in line. If someone just glanced at his book, you would say that he's a spanking advocate, but I wouldn't say he pushes it; he just believes there are times when you need to swat--my words, not his.

But I guess I've changed since I had DS. First of all, if I hear one more person tell me to watch out for Lucas, since he'll start manipulating me, I'll scream. That's the first thing out of my FIL mouth on meeting LUcas a couple months ago! I just can't imagine raising my son with that on the forefront of my mind: "he's manipulating me." You know, I could be wrong on this; it's all new to me, but that's just what my instincts told me. And, hey, if my toddler is testing his boundaries and I think it's manipulation and squelch and step on those little feelers he's put out there--agh, I can't imagine that!!!!

Another random thought. Maybe Dobson's books aren't wholly evil, but in the wrong hands they become that way. I think a major problem is that some people just graze through these types of self-help books. From Dare to Discipline they might glean: "my child will be defying me from birth, it is my job to be authoratative and keep him in line. Then he will respect me and love me for all my efforts." I think, judging from my in-laws reaction to the book as well as my SIL and BIL's, that they think that an infant is capable of manipulation! They actually think that my 6 month old is defying me and manipulating me! Agghh! At it's worst, this book could be casually read and taken as a treatise on the importance of spanking one's child. Double aaaggh!!

But I don't have all the answers. The book just didn't sit well with me. I don't think Dobson's the devil; I just don't agree with him. Just my .02.


Susan
who hope this makes sense; she's still a sickey!!

[chfriend]

I have not read the James Dobson books, but my brother checked out the "Strong-Willed Child" from the library a few years ago and talked to me about it. My niece was having problems and appeared to be defiant and uncommunicative. When my dear brother read this book he was appalled and sickened. No matter how difficult things were with his young daughter (she was 5 or 6 at the time), there was no way that he would follow the strict, controlling and punitive path Dobson advocated.

I'm so glad my brother showed such discernment, because after having my neice evaluated by professionals, she was diagnosed with selective mutism. This is an anxiety disorder that makes communication difficult, especially when in an unfamiliar or conflict situation.

If he had not looked for the problem, assuming (as many adults did) that she just needed even more firm "discipline," he would not have found the solution. And my neice might have been even more emotionally hurt by the responses of the adults around her.

[sunnmama]

At my dd's 2 yr exam, I discussed some behavioral issues with my ped. She recommended "The Strong Willed Child". That was my wake-up call that, while she is a great ped and I deeply value her medical advice, she is an expert on child anatomy and physiology---*not* child behavior. I decided not to discuss behavior issues with her anymore .

[zipworth]

I have never read any of his books, because I don't like the premise that children are born evil and manipulative. I have worked with children of all ages in many different settings and one thing that has stood the test of time with me is that children deserve to be protected and respected. All the years I have worked with children I can assure you I have never, ever, hit one child (I consider spanking to be hitting), and I have had wonderful success in keeping the children in my care safe and happy. We were mutually respectful of one another and when I took the children on outings They were (for the most part) well-behaved. I think the key is respect, and I don't think these methods respect children. From my experience, children want to please adults, they are social creatures and they can be taught by appropriate modeling from the adults who care for them and gentle guidance. No child I have worked with has ever benefitted from being spanked by the people who love them. In fact many of them could not recall why they had been spnked, simply that thier parent had hit them, and it wasn't 'nice'.

[sunnmama]

Originally posted by sleeping queen
I just read his dare to discipline book and he has very clearly pointed out that there is two dangerous extremes in parenting one being to permissive and one being to controling and harsh each being damaging to a child.

Was thinking about this while putting dd to bed.....
This is an interesting point (to me, anyway ), because--on this one point--Dr. Dobson and I couldn't agree more. In fact, this is a major theme in the GD book "Kids are Worth It!" by Barbara Colosoro (sp? I have the book packed away for a road trip tomorrow....). She repeated refers to 3 family types: Jellyfish (the permissive, unstructured family), Brickwall (the harsh, strict family), and Backbone (the ideal, structured, strong-yet-flexible family). Probably most parenting authors would agree with this premise, but have widely varying ideas on the best discipline tools and strategies for creating such a family environment.

[lula]

how about Bringing up Boys? I thought the book was insane and it seriously sounds like Dobson is afraid of women. I don't have time to quote now but...has anyone else read this? I have read most of his books, I think that while a lot of his advice is not bad but the tone egads! (I am a Christian also so it isn't even that I disagree with his spirituality ok wait I could have an issue with some of that too
lula

[EllasMama]

In a related vein, I have been reading an interesting book called "The Good Enough Child: How to Have an Imperfect Family and Be Perfectly Satisfied " by Brad Sachs. One of the things he touches upon is how parental response to behavior often has at least as much to do with a child's behavior as whatever the original intent of the child was.

There is a LOT more to the book, which I'm only about 1/4 of the way through, but he has a section in his book titled "Be more of who you want your child to be." I think that is very good advice. If you are too interested in "raising up your child in the way he should go" you risk shutting down emotionally and constructing arbitrary RULES that must be followed no matter what. You make your will stronger, hoping to "break" the child and be his master. But really you are demonstrating that the way to cope with a situation you dislike is to shut down empathy and crank up the strong will. Hmmm, wonder why we have so many strong-willed children?

I am certainly not saying this from a place of perfection - my daughter and I are both very strong-willed and I am trying really hard to work toward a healthier dynamic than what often flows through our family. Hence the reading of this and other books! But I know enough, through first-hand experience, to see that acknowledging feelings and trying to understand my child's perspective usually works better than just firming up on rules with the rationale that "I'm the parent and my word is the law."

Carol

[pageta]

I liked Bringing Up Boys because it explained a lot of why men are the way they are - which had very immediate applications in understanding why my husband is the way he is.

I've also read Dare to Discipline and I thought it was a bit unbalanced since he spent half of the book trying to convince you that spanking was okay, and he really didn't give you any other tools besides making a chart of jobs/chores and rewarding them for completing that chart.

I know my mom used the Strong Willed Child on me. I don't have the book and I don't plan to get it.

I like the Discipline Book by Dr. Sears because of the approach where you are in tune with your child and thus mold them gently rather than having to force them via spankings, etc. It also gives a wide variety of tools (which I thought DTD lacked) for you to choose from.

[paddyfinnsmom]

Originally posted by pageta
I liked Bringing Up Boys because it explained a lot of why men are the way they are - which had very immediate applications in understanding why my husband is the way he is.

Very well said. When I read the part to dh about boys climbing on rooftops he nodded and said, "Yeah, don't girls do that?". Well, I never did anyway.

I didn't mean to come off originally as bashing him so badly. There are some good things to take from the books. Although if I followed his advice to spank before anger set in and as soon as I was being defiantly disobeyed, I would literally be spanking all day.

[Piglet68]

What I don't understand is...

...doesn't viewing your child as a manipulater, whose foremost mission in life is to walk all over you and submit you to his will, just totally SUCK all the joy out of being a parent?

I mean, how can you look at your baby all googly eyed and blissfully in love with your little child, and yet be thinking "ooooh, he's gonna try to manipulate me with every chance I get and it's my job to make sure *I* never let him take advantage of me".

I mean, how are those two feelings even compatible?

Falling in love with my baby was (and still is!) the most wonderful, squishy, deep-down fulfilling, joyous, mushy, googly, absolutely heavenly experience in the world!!

I feel soooooo sorry for people who buy this baloney about children being little devils out to control you: it must make being a parent really.....well, joy-less.

Except of course for the "joy" you feel each time you "win" a battle.

Ugh. :Puke

[Kylix]

I just checked out Solid Answers by Dr. Dobson from the library.

In this book, he not only advises parents to spank but pretty much states that it is necessary for parents to spank their children. He even goes so far as to say that spanking a fifteen month old baby is not too young.

Yes, he states there are dangers between permissive and authoritarian but any good psychology class could tell you that. Furthermore, his definition of permissive and authoritarian clearly aren't mine as it seems to be his opinion that if you are not controlling your children through spankings than you are a permissive parent.

I further disagree with him when he states that external discipline is needed to get children to behave out of internal motivations. That makes no sense.

Furthermore, his book takes a stance on homosexuality that I cannot reconcile with. He claims that it can be remedied and it should be remedied.

Everything in that book is backed up with Biblical verse. It disgusts me that he can try to twist the Bible to push his agenda.

I had many, many problems with the book. Far too many to list here and I didn't even finish it!!!

Kylix

[WriterMama]

*

[burritomama]

Isn't this the guy who also has some very, uh, "interesting" things to say about what to do if your boy child exhibits so-called feminine traits?
His book should be called "Bringing Up Straight Boys."

I guess that's what Kylix is referring to as well.

I stay away from him - for that and a host of other reasons.

[paddyfinnsmom]

Originally posted by Kylix
Everything in that book is backed up with Biblical verse. It disgusts me that he can try to twist the Bible to push his agenda.

Yes, that part was very annoying also and further lessened his credibility with me.

[Jennifer Z]

I was given Bringing up Boys by my MIL. Initially I was happy to read a Christain based parenting book. What I discovered was that this guy was a psuedo-christian, advocating the most moronic form of parenting anybody could possibly imagine. If they ever gave me another book by this fool, I would burn it in front of them. He doesn't even have an ounce of parenting knowledge and should be sued for his harmful advice. He is right up there with the likes of Ezzo and Ferber. If "Brining up (prejudice, gay-bashing, full-of-sh*t) Boys" was any indication, I never want to dirty my hands by even touching one of his books again.

Other than that, I have no strong opinions on the guy. :LOL

[paddyfinnsmom]

Originally posted by Jennifer Z
I was given Bringing up Boys by my MIL. Initially I was happy to read a Christain based parenting book. What I discovered was that this guy was a psuedo-christian, advocating the most moronic form of parenting anybody could possibly imagine. If they ever gave me another book by this fool, I would burn it in front of them. He doesn't even have an ounce of parenting knowledge and should be sued for his harmful advice. He is right up there with the likes of Ezzo and Ferber. If "Brining up (prejudice, gay-bashing, full-of-sh*t) Boys" was any indication, I never want to dirty my hands by even touching one of his books again.

Okay, can I just say................THANK YOU! That's really what I wanted to initially say, too.

[lula]

Thank goodness more people have problems with Dobson. This weekend I will be surrounded by Dh relatives who ALL love Dobson, have every book, newletter, contribute financially yadda yadda yadda. I go insane because he is brought up every time!

Does anyone recall the bit in the Dobson Bringing Up Boys book where he criticized Mia Hamm for taking off her jersey (with sports bra left on) after a major win? Or his problem with the phrase Girls Rule? If anyone has any specific bits they hate etc keep them coming I definately need more ammo for this weekend.

lula