Needing support

[swampangel]

Hi folks. I'm in a situation that is causing me terrible anxiety and because I know this community is so loving and supportive, I decided to turn here for some extra shoulders to lean on during this time.

My 6yo ds is in a school right now that is a terrible fit for him and our family. Very punitive, worksheet driven and all around backward IMO. From day one this year I realized I needed to find a better fit. We live in a town that has school "choice" but that really means "chance" since you play the lottery and hope for the best. I've applied to about 6 schools (mostly charters and alternative programs) and am waiting to hear back. Hopefully we'll know in 6 weeks or so with some of them...not until mid April for others. There is one that I'm really hoping for but there are probably 20 to 30 folks applying for 2 spots.

I've always been thoughtful about decisions regarding childcare/school for my ds. I've had the luxury to be particular about those decisions and I feel grateful for that. We've made a lot of sacrifices so I could stay home with him and therefore, require little outside care. Anyway, finding myself in this situation where every day my child goes to a school that I feel so strongly is a bad fit (and quite honestly, simply a bad school) is a bit crazy-making for me.

So, essentially right now I'm in a holding pattern awaiting the results of this process. Some days I manage to do ok and others like today I feel like I'm climbing the walls. It's hard for me to be present with my kids on a daily basis and that has been the hardest. Knowing that there is a great school that would really suit my child and also knowing that I have no control over whether or not he can attend it is killing me. But such is life and all I can do is try to manage my anxiety while I wait.

Thanks for listening.

[fadedgirl]

I've been where you are, and it is incredibly difficult to wait through. In retrospect, I would not do it again, I would remove my child from the school right away. I still see insecurities & related behaviors in my DD that were created by an overly-pressurized academic environment. Is this the worst possible thing that could happen to a child? No. But it was such a drastic change in her personality, that it still makes me literally sick when I think about it. It didn't have to happen and had I taken her out when I first realized it, well there is no telling what might be different.

For my DD it was preK. I'm not sure if your son is in K or 1st grade, but you could remove him now and homeschool him for the rest of this year until school starts again next fall. Just an idea. I did HS my DD this year but we just put her into a private school that I am so ridiculously grateful to have found. So hang in there, you will find a great school!

You state that its causing you anxiety and that its not a good fit for your DS...but is he having a difficult time with it? My DD still loved her school and loved going, despite the negative affects it was having on her. It definitely wasn't all bad, or even bad at all for some kids! I'm trying to say that if you don't think its having a deleterious affect on him, only you, then I'd probably stick with it. If you think its negatively impacting your son, I would remove him. That's just my opinion from my own experience and the resulting regret I have.

I'm a little under the weather so I hope this is somewhat coherent. Hang in there, your DS definitely needs you relaxed and not anything similar to what he's getting at school. My heart goes out to you!

[Bird Girl]

Just wanted to give you a and emphasize that you can, in fact, switch to homeschooling in the middle of the year, and re-enroll in a school that works better for you, if you get into one, next year. A little disruption is a small price to pay for getting out of a harmful environment.

[mamalemon]

How does your DS feel about the school? He is so young, that if he was miserable there, I would worry about it damaging his view of school as a safe place to be. Like has already been said, I would consider homeschooling in the interim if it is bad enough.

[swampangel]

Thanks, mamas. Your words have been helpful.

It's kind of complicated. We were at this school last year (it's our neighborhood school) and loved it but that was PreK. The teacher was fantastic. We made a lot of great connections in our neighborhood and were really happy. This year, he went off merrily to school on the first day, said goodbye and when I picked him up at the end of the day, he was in tears. That was my first clue...it makes sense that kids might cry at dropoff, but at the end of the day struck me. So I sat in and was appalled by what I saw. So I moved him to the other kinder teacher and it was better. Still repetitive, boring and punitive but better than the other class. He has adjusted. He loves his friends and he loves playing on the playground. He feels some pride about the school because it's in our neighborhood, his friends are there and that's all he's known except for preschool which isn't a clear memory.

I hesitate to pull him out because I think he's adjusted and doing ok. I wouldn't say he's thriving but I don't think any of the children are. If I knew we had a good option for next year I would strongly consider pulling him out now. But I don't find out for about 6 more weeks or more. The biggest problem to me with the school is the overall climate. It's a punitive environment from the top down and the curriculum is abysmal, IMO. So while he's doing ok right now, I can't keep him there with a clear conscious...let alone walk my youngest through those doors in a few years.

Homeschooling is an option but not a great one for me. I really need a break. I never planned on homeschooling unless there was a really serious problem like bullying or a safety issue. I've been home with my kids for 6 years (which I know is small potatoes compared to most mothering.com moms! ) and I was really looking forward to having my oldest in 1st and my youngest in preschool next year. It would give me at least a few hours a couple of mornings a week for myself. I'm on of those who really needs that quiet alone time. It helps me to be a better mom. So hs'ing is something I'd do if I had no other option...i.e., if none of these schools I'm applying to come through, heaven forbid.

Today is a better day. I'm going to start going to the gym two nights a week and on the weekends...I think exercise will improve my mood. I'm trying to just do little things to get through this time. Thanks again.

[swampangel]

I'm bumping this up again because the time is drawing near that we will hear back from the various lotteries we applied to this year. The stress is really getting to me. Now that we're in the home stretch of the year, my ds is totally adjusted and often says he really likes school. But I think he's just adjusted and I'm still unhappy with so many aspects of it.

He was home for a week for spring break and was teary on Monday going back. Now this could happen at any school, I suppose. He's a homebody and loves being with his family. But I feel like if he really enjoyed school, he wouldn't have the tears. This never happened at preschool. If anything, he got a little bored but he never felt this stressed.

Ugh! I hope and pray that we get into the school we want. We applied to about 6 but there are really only 2 that I would have no concerns sending him to...that just feel right for him and our family.

Just looking for some words of reassurance. Thanks, mamas.