Uggg, reward system again UPDATE POST #20

[amcal]

We're really been struggling with DD's 1st grade teacher. Her reward system is out of control. I've tried talking to her about it but, she's is completely unwilling to discuss it.

Last month, this happened:
http://www.mothering.com/discussions...light=brownies

In short, DD's teacher does table points. The table with the most points wins a "date" with her where she brings in pizza and she and the table point winners sit in class while the other students are there having lunch and they have their "pizza" date.

In the past, I thought these had been done during recess, not in front of the other children but, I found out that it was done in front of other children and that the teacher was making a huge issue out of not only bringing in pizza for their "date" but also bread sticks and brownies.

I went to the principal who agreed that this was an extreme use of a reward system and that it wasn't ok to flaunt rewards in front of the other kids. She was going to talk to the teacher.

So, today DD tells me that the teacher said that tomorrow she's going to announce the table points winners. DD's table is in the lead.

So, if I find out that nothing has changed and the reward will still be a pizza "date" eaten in front of the entire class, I'm not sure how to handle it.

If DD doesn't win, I'll send her in with pizza that day.

If she does win, well, that's a problem. My first step will be to ask the teacher if the pizza is going to be eaten in front of the entire class. If so, it's not OK.

DD knows it's not OK. She can verbalize how bad it feels to sit in the class while the teacher has a "date" with the other kids eating pizza, brownies etc... She says it's not fair and she doesn't want to do it but, she's only 7 so this is really agonizing for her.

She doesn't want to confront the teacher and she doesn't want to single herself out by refusing lunch with the teacher. The only solution she can come up with is to be absent that day which I think is extreme for a 15 minute lunch.

I've told her that I can pick her up for lunch and then bring her back but, the don't really have a lunch period, they just break sometime in the morning for a quick bite of lunch.

So, if she wins, what would you do?

[runes]

I'm sorry that it sounds like like the principal didn't follow through. I was following your other thread and was hoping that there would be a satisfactory resolution.

Regardless of whether your dd's table wins or not, could you order pizza and get brownies for the rest of the class? By doing this, it might finally get through to the teacher that the parents are paying attention to the inequity of her rewards based system and that it's not acceptable.

[amcal]

Originally Posted by kidspiration

I'm sorry that it sounds like like the principal didn't follow through. I was following your other thread and was hoping that there would be a satisfactory resolution.

Regardless of whether your dd's table wins or not, could you order pizza and get brownies for the rest of the class? By doing this, it might finally get through to the teacher that the parents are paying attention to the inequity of her rewards based system and that it's not acceptable.

I can't DD really feels like this is wrong, she doesn't like it etc.. but, she also doesn't want me to make a huge issue or single her out in any way. I just feel like charging in with pizza for everyone would embarrass her. And, I'm really trying to respect her because it's hard. If she does win, she wants the pizza but, she says she knows how bad it feels to not be the winner and she doesn't want to do that to anyone.

[Theoretica]

Here's my thoughts, and maybe this makes me a PITA, but take it for what it's worth.

You took it to the principal. He either hasn't followed through or she's ignoring it. I'm *assuming* your school has an open door policy for parents, which all the ones around here do. I think you should get a few cheap pizzas and grocery cupcakes and go for lunchtime, sharing them with the entire class. While the kids are eating maybe you can have a chat w/teacher. You're out 10-15 bucks and hopefully your point has been made.

Maybe other mamas will have ideas on how to deal with it more constructively, but I'd be up to my eyeballs w/this teacher at this point, so that's prob how I'd handle it.

Keep us updated!

[Theoretica]

Just saw your reply to the pp, looks like we had the same idea.

Good for you for respecting your DD's feelings on this.

Can you 'pre-emptively' call the teacher and double check how this is being handled?

[amcal]

That will be my first step. Once table points are announced tomorrow and the teacher discusses the prize, if it's still a pizza lunch then I will call the teacher to see how it's going to be handled.

If DD doesn't win, she's fine with just bringing her own pizza and having her lunch.

But, if she does win, we have a problem.

[CarrieMF]

I'd find out what the prize is first to see if the teacher/principal changed anything.

Either way if your dd wins or not & it's still a pizza party in front of the rest of the class i"d go to the principal, skip the teacher you've btdt.

[amcal]

That's the problem. I've already been to the principal but it doesn't appear as though she's done anything. I could be wrong and we'll see when I ask the teacher what the reward is but, according to DD, the teacher said she's doing the pizza thing again. If the teacher doesn't think it's a problem and the principal doesn't think it's a problem then, what can I do?

[SunshineJ]

I cannot believe this is still going on! I'd confirm that it's the same situation as before, then I'd immediately send an e-mail to the school board, cc'ing the principal. You've talked to the principal, nothing changed and nothing was resolved. I don't think this is "that" mom being a pita, from what you've posted I feel this is a seriously inappropriate type of reward system and worth getting stopped, so I would continue to escalate it. I'd also include my dd's perceptions and perspective of this matter to let them know that this really isn't doing much good for the children. Ugh is right!

K.

[MattBronsil]

Best thing to do is send the pizza to Taiwan. I'm craving some right now.

But I agree with you that the way it's handled is not good.

[MattBronsil]

As a side note, I would not bring in another pizza. As much as I disagree with the method being used, I do not think it is polite to counter it that way. Not that you're necessarily looking to be polite, but I think if you disagree with something a teacher is doing, it's best not to show it off in front of the other students and the whole class.

I would leave it in your daughter's hands how she wants to handle this situation. If she wants to leave for lunch, help her do that. If she wants to miss that day, I think that would be fine if you are able to do it. Basically let her make the decision and be there to support whatever decision she makes.

[momtokea]

Buy her the book "Punished by Rewards" by Alfie Kohn.

[fadedgirl]

Originally Posted by momtokea

Buy her the book "Punished by Rewards" by Alfie Kohn.

:

[amcal]

Matt,
I agree with you. I need to keep my crediblility and I don't want to be "that parent". My kids are only in kindy and 1st grade so we have a long time at this school. I don't want to do anything passive/aggressive and really need to try to take the high road with whatever I do.

[obiandelismom]

We had a somewhat similar problem with a resource teacher at the beginning of the year, and DS ended up writing a letter to the teacher explaining why he thought the teacher was being unfair. DS is in 2nd, so he was able to write the letter himself (I actually never got to see it!), but maybe you could do something similar? It was amazingly effective with the teacher, and it made DS so proud to (respectfully, I hope) object to something he thought was wrong. Even if the teacher had not been receptive to DS's letter, I think the act of writing it relieved him of a lot of the conflict that he had been feeling.

Our situation was different from yours, though, in that it was a resource teacher and not the main classroom teacher, so ymmv...

[CarrieMF]

Originally Posted by amcal

That's the problem. I've already been to the principal but it doesn't appear as though she's done anything. I could be wrong and we'll see when I ask the teacher what the reward is but, according to DD, the teacher said she's doing the pizza thing again. If the teacher doesn't think it's a problem and the principal doesn't think it's a problem then, what can I do?

The principal DID think it was a problem before. The principal may not realize that the teacher went back to it, if that's what she's doing.

If it is the same thing, then go to the principal to find out what he/she is planning on doing about it. If nothing then go to the school board.

[Mirzam]

Originally Posted by obiandelismom

We had a somewhat similar problem with a resource teacher at the beginning of the year, and DS ended up writing a letter to the teacher explaining why he thought the teacher was being unfair. DS is in 2nd, so he was able to write the letter himself (I actually never got to see it!), but maybe you could do something similar? It was amazingly effective with the teacher, and it made DS so proud to (respectfully, I hope) object to something he thought was wrong. Even if the teacher had not been receptive to DS's letter, I think the act of writing it relieved him of a lot of the conflict that he had been feeling.

Our situation was different from yours, though, in that it was a resource teacher and not the main classroom teacher, so ymmv...

I think this is a great solution too. A similar thing happened at DS's school. DS's best friend runs hot and he objected to having to wear a jacket outside just because it was the school policy. He felt it didn't take into consideration a child's own ability to decide if s/he was cold or not. As a 3rd grader (!), he felt he knows his own body well enough to decide if he needs to put on a jacket or not. He first went to the principal, but didn't get what he wanted -- for 3rd graders and up to be able to decide for themselves if they wore a jacket to play outside or not -- so he took it higher; in this case as it is a private school, he went to the school director. The outcome was the rule about jackets was changed and 3rd graders and above can make the decision for themselves.

[BCFD]

I am so glad Matt chimed in!! I so respect his opinion. I know how hard it is, but I agree with you in taking the high road. Could you ask the principal to walk down the hallway with you into your DD's classroom to witness this first hand? If the teacher is sitting there with pizza and brownies at her special party table and the rest of the class isn't "invited", I really think the principal needs to observe. Then I would ask once again what is going to be done about this.

I also agree with Fadedgirl about the Alfie Kohn book. What a GREAT idea!! Or print her out some articles about extrinsic rewards.

Is this a school you want to stay in? I think your DD sounds like a very smart little girl and see's how incredibly wrong this is. I think you are doing a wonderful job of talking to her about this, too. So, if you want to stay at this school, maybe the only thing that really can be done is ride the rest of the year out and pray for a better teacher next year. Is this something you can bring up at a PTA/PTO meeting? Can you find some other parents that share your viewpoints and help to get the entire school to stop focusing on external rewards?

Good luck, Mama...I know this must be so incredibly hard - especially for a 7 year old.

[Leta]

The fact that this is still going on would prompt me to request a new teacher for my child. Like now.

The teacher and the principal aren't going to change this system- they've proven that. The best you can do is to get your DD out of it.

[amcal]

Well, the teacher was supposed to tell who won yesterday and do the pizza today but, surprise, surprise, when the kids got there, the teacher announced the table point winners and then immediately had the pizza.

So, there was no time for me to question how she was going to do this.

Oh and the kicker? She did it like always, had the pizza with the table who won in front of the entire class but this time, a couple of kids who weren't at the table who won but who were sitting quietly got to have a slice of pizza. Guess who got a slice? Yup, DD was allowed a slice of pizza along with two other children.

DD was so conflicted when she got in the car. It's too much for her to process. She said she didn't know what to do. She didn't know they were doing pizza yesterday (this is the first time it's ever been done this way) and she was really taken by surprise. She said she didn't know what to do so she ate the pizza.

I told her she did just fine and not to worry about it.

I can not wait until we don't have this teacher anymore.