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child sexuality/abuse?

post #1 of 416
Thread Starter 
Monday night my son (4 1/2 yo) and I were talking while I made dinner and he told me some very explicit sexual things he said his dad (my partner) did/does to him while I was at work.

How do I deal with this? Of course my partner fliped out and said I don't trust him etc etc but what do I do????

Please help me I am so worried. I want to protect my son, trust my partner, ...

do kids just say things like experimenting - what kinds of sexual things do 4 year olds know about???? help anyone
post #2 of 416
I don't have much time to answer but I wanted to say the first two things I'd do is find alternate daycare for him for now and get him to a therapist or child psychologist. The therapist can help you and your son with this and decide what to do from there.
post #3 of 416
I would listen to your child. If this is happening, the last thing you want is for your son to feel that you didn't listen to him. I would ask your partner to leave, get your son some professional help until this gets resolved. It is better safe then sorry.
post #4 of 416
Children that age rarely make stuff up about their bodies. They may story tell about dragons, monsters in the closet and sneaking snacks but generally they don't posses the knowledge to make up sordid tales of sexual abuse.
post #5 of 416
I don't think at 4 he would have the knowledge on his own to make up things of a very sexual nature. I wouldn't have expected your partner to admit to molesting your son if he was. I think the only thing you can do is believe your son. I'm so sorry.
post #6 of 416
I'll tell my story and maybe it will help you make a decision. My parents divorced when I was 2, but they stayed close friends.

When I was 3, I remember my dad having me touch his penis several times. I went to my mom and told her, not knowing who else to go to.

She got mad at me, said I was making things up, and called my dad. She had him to our house and I remember hiding in the shower b/c I was so embarrassed. They had a talk with me about how I shouldn't lie.

Every time I brought this up, my mom would have my dad over. Same story replayed. She never believed me so of course I gave up talking about it.

I don't think she knows I still remember. I almost wish I didn't. But I did not trust her after that.

Please trust your child. Children usually do not have a reason to lie about such things.
post #7 of 416
Please believe your son. 4 year olds don't have knowledge of adult sexual acts. Anything above exploring (with similarly aged children) to me would be highly suspect.

You need to call the police, in the mean time stop questioning your son or they cops won't be able to get a clean report on what happened.

This makes me sick, please believe your son. There is nothing more damaging than crying out for help and not getting believed.

(The very fact that your partner flipped out and harped on you about NOT trusting him is a ginormous red flag. He should be (if he is innocent) wracking his mind about why his child would say these things, not getting p*ssed at you.)
post #8 of 416
I agree with all previous posters. You need to protect your son immediatly. Find a councelor, you can call any local hospital and ask to speak to a social worker, they have extensive lists of usually low cost councelors that deal with sexual abuse. If you have a local Children's Hospital that would be the best place to call.
If nothing really happened the councelor should help find out why your son would say these things.
In the meantime, as other folks have said, you need to make sure he is not left alone with your partner. If it means missing work for a few days or finding a different caregiver. Your first order is to protect your son. Your partner, if innocent , should accept this.Tell him you need to sort this out, If your son tells someone else this could go to CPS ( or whoever your state agency is) and innocent or not this could have lasting implications for both of you. Could your partner stay with someone for a few days? Could you and your son?
get some help, mama..don't wait.
post #9 of 416
sorry....4.5 year olds don't make stuff up. If he's telling you specific stories of things that have happened, you truly have to believe him.

I was abused at 4.5 and tried to tell my mom, who didn't want to hear it and although it never happened again, her not listening to what I had to say and pretending it didn't happen, hurt me for years (and still does)...

Sarah
post #10 of 416

Please please protect your son.
So sorry mama.
post #11 of 416
Quote:
Originally Posted by Porcelain Interior View Post

(The very fact that your partner flipped out and harped on you about NOT trusting him is a ginormous red flag. He should be (if he is innocent) wracking his mind about why his child would say these things, not getting p*ssed at you.)
This, exactly.

Please, please, please, as hard as it is, never leave your son alone with his dad ever again.
post #12 of 416
I would probably move out (with your son) immediately for starters, and not allow any contact with the father. Then get a professional who can talk to your son. In the interim, don't press him for details. If he talks more, just listen calmly. You don't want to "taint" his story, or make him nervous to talk.

I'm so, so sorry.
post #13 of 416
I'm so sorry for your son and for you. This has got to be so very hard. You have gotten great advice from the other posters. I hope you are able to get the help your son needs.

I wanted to add that as a child I was abused by my step-uncle and I told my mother. She told my step-father and he said to never talk about it again. Then my step-father started abusing me. He didn't stop until I took my little brother out of the house and went to the cops when I found out he was going to start the same thing with my brother. It took almost 20 years for me to get over feeling betrayed by my mother. I was able to deal with the abuse much easier than I could deal with what felt to me like a betrayal by my mother.

Its got to be so hard to feel like you can't trust your partner, but please please please put your son first and protect him. If your partner is innocent he will understand.
post #14 of 416
I think that you posted about this because somewhere inside of you, you know that your son may be telling the truth. Get your son away from your partner right now! You need to have your son evaluated asap by a professional who knows how to handle this sort of thing.

If you look the other way now your son will be effected for the rest of his life by this and you will only have yourself to blame. I hope for your son's sake and for your sake as well that nothing has happened but you can not take the chance. This is your precious baby who you love and who looks to you for protection. Don't let him down.

Please take this very seriously. I really think that the way your partner handled the situation is a very big red flag.
post #15 of 416
This...

Quote:
Originally Posted by philomom View Post
Children that age rarely make stuff up about their bodies. They may story tell about dragons, monsters in the closet and sneaking snacks but generally they don't posses the knowledge to make up sordid tales of sexual abuse.
and this...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Porcelain Interior View Post
(The very fact that your partner flipped out and harped on you about NOT trusting him is a ginormous red flag. He should be (if he is innocent) wracking his mind about why his child would say these things, not getting p*ssed at you.)
and this...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mamafreya View Post
I think that you posted about this because somewhere inside of you, you know that your son may be telling the truth.
Even if this is all some big mixup, wouldn't you rather address it and get on with it, then ignore it and chance that you're ignoring a real issue? :hu for your son.
post #16 of 416
Quote:
Originally Posted by Porcelain Interior View Post
(The very fact that your partner flipped out and harped on you about NOT trusting him is a ginormous red flag. He should be (if he is innocent) wracking his mind about why his child would say these things, not getting p*ssed at you.)
ITA....shouldn't your partner be livid about 'someone' possibly doing this to your son instead of being upset about being accused ?
post #17 of 416
A 4 year old can not make these things up. This child is definitely being sexually abused, and you need to protect him. Please call the police right now.

post #18 of 416
Wow, after years of never bringing it up again, this is the 3rd time in two short days that I've felt the need to talk about my past history of sexual abuse that started when I was around that age. I was ignored. I wasn't believed. I gave up on trying to tell my family. The sexual abuse from my uncle went on for 8 long years. I didn't tell anyone outside of my family because, well, if my own family didn't believe me, who else would?

Please listen to your child. If your son needs anyone right now, it's his mama. Sweetheart, I can only imagine that this is killing you inside and my heart does break for you, but it breaks even more for your son. I promise you that this is something you WILL get through.. if you ignore what your son is telling you, not only will the abuse possibly escalate, but he will NOT get through it without serious emotional scars. Please take my word on this.

He came to you about this because he trusts you the most. He feels safe with you. This is NOT something that young children make up, especially not about a biological parent. He knows that it's not ok. Please make sure that he continues to know that.

You HAVE to report this.. for no one else, but that child. Call the police now. Please.

post #19 of 416
Believe your kid!
post #20 of 416
Please update when you get a chance (I'm sure I'm not the only one worried).
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