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child sexuality/abuse? - Page 8

post #141 of 416
I have also been following this thread, and am finally posting. Tgrlilly, You are a strong and brave woman and a fabulous mother. You and your son will get through this even though I know it feels impossible at times. Others have already said it so much better, but I wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you and your son.
post #142 of 416
That feeling of betrayal, helplessness and loss is unbelievable but you are both going to need to express your emotions. It helps the healing journey and I am so proud of you that your son TALKs and SHAREs with you even as heartbreaking as it is. Hold your head high and be proud that you have done the right thing irregardless of it turning your world upside down. 'God never gives us more than we can handle' . You are your sons Champion and he will never forget that. :
post #143 of 416
you are a fantastic mama, & a very strong person. your little one will never forget what you are doing for him.
if you need anything at all, please let me know. even if you just want someone to send you homemade cookies, i can do that, too! Or a new toy for your amazing son, or something for you, please just let me know if there is anything at all. i am in the uk,so sending you something is as close to giving you a hug as i can ever get.
you are such an amazing mama.
post #144 of 416
Tgrlilly, I don't know if you're still reading this thread, but I wanted to write as someone who was abused at the same age as your son. I almost never talk about it (except in therapy, which I no longer attend), but I needed to write when I read your earlier comment expressing worry that:

"your hopes for a better childhood for your children ended"

It is awful being molested by someone you love and trust. But today, 35 years later, I am happily married, have two wonderful children, a normal sex life, have never ever felt the urge to molest anyone else, and live a good, productive life. The abuse is something I'll never forget, but because of the incredible support I got from my parents (my molester was a significantly older brother) and years of therapy off and on in my life, I am OK. And I wanted you to know that because of the support you've given your child, you are providing a good chance at a happy life and a "better childhood."

From a child who was ashamed and afraid that her parents wouldn't believe her, and who was afraid her news would wreak havoc on her family (which of course happened, and is happening with you) I want to THANK YOU for believing your son and for loving him in a way he could never doubt. I'm crying as I type this. And shaking. It's such a hard situation, and I feel for you so deeply. But you can do this. And you can survive this. And with your continued support your son can thrive despite this.

Sending you strength and hugs.
post #145 of 416
Thread Starter 
Hi All -
Thank you so much for your kind words of support.
We are going along here. I found 2 daycares that have openings (all the recommended ones were full)- they seem so crowded, but well - I have to do the best I can!

We went out of town for a couple of days - it was so nice to leave the house and reality behind...

My son - poor little guy- finally said he missed his dad yesterday and asked when he could come home. Then he was all "it's not true mom, can he come back now" but by this morning he was talking again about how his dad just laughed when he left the room & how he didn't like it. Poor guy - it has to be extremely confusing for him.

I am in therapy and the psychologist is giving me a lot of really great stratigies to help my son when he starts freaking out and it has been good for me to have a neutral person to talk with.

I will be glad when my in-laws leave next week in many ways - it will be good to have my house back, but I am sure it will be a big adjustment for ds to be away from home for so many hours each day/week.

Its been just over a month now since his dad has been out of the house. I am wondering what is going on legally, etc. but we are holding on here and doing ok.

Thank you all for your kind words. It really is nice to read.
post #146 of 416
tgrllilly, I'm glad to see the update. I'm sure this is a very confusion time for your ds. I'm glad you found day care and that that you are receiving counseling. I'm so sorry this happened.
post #147 of 416
Hang in there mama, we're all thinking of you and rooting for you.
post #148 of 416
Originally Posted by tgrlilly View Post
Thank you mysticmama for sharing your story. Im so sorry your daughter and you and your family went / are going through that. Has there been any conclusion regarding the case against your neighbor? reading your story made me feel less alone.

Today was such a good day. Tonite was such a bad nite. My son had a complete breakdown at the grocery store and completely out of character totally physically attacked me in the car - kicking clawing pulling my hair saying he was going to stab me furious furious furious. I got home as fast as possible and went into the backyard to the safest place I could think of - ds little playhouse and just sat there and calmed myself as much as possible. Then I said "I am so mad right now & little guy started to walk away & then I said I'm so mad right now and I am not mad at you - and he sure walked back and came over for a hug and we just sat there and talked about how safe we felt right there and just played and talked.

But he is so manic - he won't go to sleep he's sucking his thumb and fingers - something he never did even as a baby, he's asking to nurse (he hasn't nursed in at least 1.5 years). He's told me more of this horrid stuff in the last 2 days - stuff that can really leave NO doubt -

So now I'm MAD I'm so so ANGRY my face is a permafrownscowl I'm cold and Shaking and I wish I felt like destroying something but I'm so sick so beyond that Anyone MUCH LESS *%$)@*& DAD could do that to my amazing precious beautiful good little tiny kid - any child what is wrong with people???

I feel like a heel always here with my problems and memememe but i feel so utterly alone and devistated and tired and sad and shattered for my little boy that he has all this in his mind and heart and little body and to deal with

Tonite I'm MAD at my inlaws I don't want to see them to talk to them because I'm so MAD I feel like confronting them and I'm so SICK&FURIOUS I don't want to have any compassion or sympathy for them. I just want to scream at them LOOK WHAT YOUR SON DID TO MY CHILD.

Thankfully I don't have to go to work til Monday and I can be with my son. Goddess help me I need strength and patience and the right way to listen and the right way to talk so my ds can feel good again.
I haven't read past this post yet, but I hope you went to the police with the new details. Stuff might still come out and it all needs to be on the police reports so that your ex gets the full punishment for his crimes. My stepfather only got punished for what I told police on the first day, even though I remembered so much more later and was able to talk about it more freely after that initial police report.

s You're an awesome mother.
post #149 of 416
You're doing great mama...stay strong!!! We're supporting you and your DS, you are SUCH a powerful and protective mama, I am so sorry this has happened but I don't think it's possible to have handled it better than you are

Sending you lots of and s
post #150 of 416
Just wanted to tell you I'm thinking about you and your son
post #151 of 416
You and your son are still in my thoughts too. Many more healing vibes to both of you.
post #152 of 416
You are an amazing woman. So strong. I am in awe of you. You and your son are in my thoughts and prayers.
post #153 of 416
Thinking about you and your ds, Tgrlilly. I hope things are more peaceful for you with your ils gone. Sending prayers. Have you been able to find anyone else to help you out with things?
post #154 of 416
Thread Starter 
My ils leave on Sunday and I am ready to have the house back to ourselves. It is just too much. Mil basically just glares at me now, they always have the car, blah blah blah.

My ds will go to daycare 2 days a week and some dear friends have stepped up to watch him 2 days a week for the next couple of months. That will help both of us during this transition.

We are still in a holding pattern - waiting for the district atty's decision and then will it be dropped? will it go to court? sherrif's detective stated no contact order was still in effect - which I am glad for - some "well meaning" friends feel like they are trying to pressure me into talking with son's father.

I keep on trying to envision what it is I want for the future - for ds and baby on the way. I feel so bad when folks ask me how far along I am and I really have to think about it.

It is really nice to check back in here a feel the support from you all.
post #155 of 416

Hang in there, mama. You're doing such an amazing job.
Don't feel bad about not knowing how far along you are--people that don't know what's going on will just chalk it up to pregnancy brain. People that do know what's going on will know that you're doing the best that you can to make sure this new little baby is safe. And it's okay to not know what you want for the future too. The future you always planned for your children just crumbled out from beneath you. Take all the time you need to process that and to grieve.
You really are a brave and strong mama.
post #156 of 416
and :
post #157 of 416
Originally Posted by tgrlilly View Post
Thank you all so much for writing - It's monday morning now - a week later. I took my son to a counselor on Thursday (and took the day off work tues and thurs but did work on wednesday). I am at work now - if I lose my job I wont be able to do anything to protect my son. What he said was that his dad touched/s his face with his penis.

I am still in so much shock - I really don't know to proceede. I have a place i can put my son in for afternoon care, but we have been so much of an "attachment" parenenting family - and I live so far from my family that it is tough to find a place for my son to go all day.

To make matters worse, I am pregnant.

I don't want to call the cops yet, I don't want to ruin his life if it is not true, but I am taking my son to a professional so he can talk about it.

I'm sorry if I am not handling all this just right, but I am doing my best to keep my life intact and to believe and protect my son.

I'm really scared.
I haven't read the rest of the thread, but I hope that you are in shock and not actually contemplating staying with this man or allowing you child to have to be in the same room with him ever again. Your four year old who knows nothing of this type of sexuality just stated in four year old language that he had to give your partner a BJ. Now either he had this happen to him or your partner has exposed him to explicit porn. Either way the child is in danger. You need this man out of your home this very hour. Your job and money are nothing if your child's safety and trust are destroyed. Please wake up, this is not something you can wait on. Take action now.
post #158 of 416
Originally Posted by Amylcd View Post
No - not unless he has viewed graphic porn, which would be a form of abuse also.

You did the right thing, please stop doubting your son.
Amy is absolutely right. He has been abused. Since you have no outside family or friends involved and it isn't you - its your partner. (Predators like women who are isolated because their children are easier to molest and there are less people who might discover what is happening)
post #159 of 416
Oh momma. I have read the entire thread. I am SO sorry. I can not imagine how hard this is for you.

I am so glad you found some friends to help with DS.

I hope you get some breathing space soon.

post #160 of 416
Originally Posted by shukr View Post
can you get any kind of compassionate leave until you find more neutral childcare? i don't want to break your heart further, and forgive me if i've mixed up, but if your in laws are his parents then i'd be on guard against that for a number of reasons, including
they may have abused him in the past/ covered up abuse in the home
they may grant access to their son to see your son
i know cases where everything is pushed out the window because the wrong people got access to the child and messed with their head.

sorry if i've misunderstood, but maybe you could get advice from the support workers you have. they must be able to help with alternative childcare.

it's not normally 'out of the blue' that an offender abuses. there is often family history, and i know you've worked so hard to get to this point, the last thing you need to feel is another hurdle but you do want to be thorough in cutting out the possibility of this creeping up on your son again
I have to admit I recoiled when you said it was your inlaws now watching him. This stuff doesn't come out of nowhere. How do your know you FIL isn't a predator? How do you know they aren't saying things to confuse your son or make him feel bad for speaking out? This does not sound like a good idea to me at all!
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