child sexuality/abuse? - Page 2

[WeasleyMum]

Originally Posted by Porcelain Interior

Please believe your son. 4 year olds don't have knowledge of adult sexual acts. Anything above exploring (with similarly aged children) to me would be highly suspect.

You need to call the police, in the mean time stop questioning your son or they cops won't be able to get a clean report on what happened.

This makes me sick, please believe your son. There is nothing more damaging than crying out for help and not getting believed.

(The very fact that your partner flipped out and harped on you about NOT trusting him is a ginormous red flag. He should be (if he is innocent) wracking his mind about why his child would say these things, not getting p*ssed at you.)

Originally Posted by HannahsMomma

ITA....shouldn't your partner be livid about 'someone' possibly doing this to your son instead of being upset about being accused ?

Totally. Your partner's reaction says as much about this situation as your son's comments. I think of how an innocent adult would react if accused of such terrible things, and anger is not quite right. Listen to the wise women here, and take their advice... do the right thing for your son.

Huge hugs mama, I can't even imagine how hard this must be for you.

[Lisa1970]

I would definitely not leave your child alone with this man. How old is your child? Did he seem at all concerned over what your child said? Or just angry toward your child and you? If he was just angry, I would leave him sooo fast. Since he is the child's father, I would first take him to be evaluated for child abuse. If not, the father will have the legal right to be alone with the child and your child will continue to be abused and not trust you again to tell you when he does it again.

[Lisa1970]

I have gone back and read. Now that I can see he is 4 yrs old, I want to encourage you to take your child to the police ASAP. Please..do not subject your child to a lifetime of abuse.

[Surfacing]

What an unhappy difficult situation. Please believe your son and get him help.

[Freud]

Please believe him. Take him to the police or the nearest Children's Advocacy Center.

[Fairy4tmama]

I have worked with children particularly preschoolers for over 10 years, kids say wierd things to be sure, and often talk their bodies and others unashedly, however I can think of NO instance where a child has made statements that suggest an adult is being inapproprate with them with out some type of context (ie experiencing, witnessing, or viewing the inappropriate behaviour, ). They just don't have life experiences that would allow them to fabricate such senarios . I beg you to take your son to the hospital and get refered to a professional who is trained to take statements about abuse from young children. I would not ask you son any questions regarding what he has said untill he has been evaluated. If you son brings it up listen intently and respond with neutral comments such uh huh, I see, ok, and write every thing down . Go back and write out the original incident of him telling you be as exact as possible about what each of you said. I would also write out the interaction between your partner and yourself. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE get professional help.

I am so so sorry

[tgrlilly]

Thank you all so much for writing - It's monday morning now - a week later. I took my son to a counselor on Thursday (and took the day off work tues and thurs but did work on wednesday). I am at work now - if I lose my job I wont be able to do anything to protect my son. What he said was that his dad touched/s his face with his penis.


I am still in so much shock - I really don't know to proceede. I have a place i can put my son in for afternoon care, but we have been so much of an "attachment" parenenting family - and I live so far from my family that it is tough to find a place for my son to go all day.

To make matters worse, I am pregnant.

I don't want to call the cops yet, I don't want to ruin his life if it is not true, but I am taking my son to a professional so he can talk about it.

I'm sorry if I am not handling all this just right, but I am doing my best to keep my life intact and to believe and protect my son.

I'm really scared.

[Think of Winter]

Hey Mama,

I really want to help you and your ds, but I have no idea how. Perhaps you can find a solution for getting care for him while you are at work. I'm so sorry that you and your precious boy are in this situation.

ETA: I'm really worried about your ds being alone w/ your dh, especially now that your dh knows that ds talked to you. Isn't there anything you can do? Any friends who could watch ds for you? I know you said he's seeing a counselor, but I'm afraid for him. I would imagine that if there had been abuse, the abuser would be doing all in his power to keep it quiet, which could hurt your son more. I know you're frightened and don't know what to do, but please find help.

Colleen

[LavenderMae]

Thank you for updating. Again I am so sorry.

Please don't let his dad be alone with him. I am so afraid he will scare him out of telling the truth. You and your son will be in my thoughts.

[Amylcd]

What he said was that his dad touched/s his face with his penis.

PLEASE keep your child away from this man until you can find out the truth.

[Mamafreya]

Sending you lots of hugs and support. I can only imagine how hard this must be for you. I am so sorry. Things like this are a mother's worst nightmare.
I am very glad that you are getting your son help. You are doing the right thing.

I also think that it is very important not to leave your son alone with your husband right now. If he is abusing your son then he will try to scare him into silence and you do not want that. Would you be able to bring your son with you to work if you couldn't find someone to care for him?

Again, I am so sorry.

[Shantimama]

I am so sorry that you and your son have to face this. Thank you for listening to him.

Originally Posted by Think of Winter

Hey Mama,

I really want to help you and your ds, but I have no idea how. There is a board here at MDC called Surviving Abuse. I think you may find more specific advice about getting by day to day there.

Unfortunately, the Surviving Abuse forum is not an appropriate form of support and assistance for this situation. As it states in the SA forum guidelines

While we appreciate the desire for support and information that people have when a loved one has experienced abuse, this forum was not created for that purpose. It exists for women to work with their own stories and healing, and is not a place to reach out for information, resources, or support regarding any other person's healing or safety, not even that of a child.

I hope you can continue to find some support here in Personal Growth and from the counselor your son is seeing.

You say that you want to protect your son and keep your life intact. If your partner is abusing your son, you will not be able to do both at the same time. Your son cannot live with someone who has sexually abused him and be okay until that has been properly addressed and that will involve police and counseling involvement for your husband. I understand the need you feel for stability, especially being pregnant, but if your partner has abused your child he has already turned your world upside down. Dealing with the situation with the appropriate outside of the family resources is the only way to have real resolution to this situation.

[DariusMom]

Originally Posted by Shantimama

You say that you want to protect your son and keep your life intact. If your partner is abusing your son, you will not be able to do both at the same time. Your son cannot live with someone who has sexually abused him and be okay until that has been properly addressed and that will involve police and counseling involvement for your husband. I understand the need you feel for stability, especially being pregnant, but if your partner has abused your child he has already turned your world upside down. Dealing with the situation with the appropriate outside of the family resources is the only way to have real resolution to this situation.

Please listen to this advice. I know you need to keep your job, but you can't leave your son with your partner right now. you just can't. there has to be another option.



I'm so sorry you are dealing with this.

[tgrlilly]

So this big horriable ball is set in motion. The counselor/psycatrist I took my son to called the police and cps (cyfd). The police have been here walking all around my home most of the evening and while my partner was not arrested he is not to have any contact with us or come home until "deemed appropriate". And if he does come home or call I am supposed to call the police on him. I have no idea where he will sleep tonite.

Forensic sargent will be coming to talk with my son tomorrow and then we also will talk with cps investegators and then I guess a determination will be made.

This afternoon I remembered we have a friend who is a counselor - I probably should have gone to her before a stranger, but somehow it seemed if it was just a thing my partner's privacy would be more intact with a stranger...

I hope I have done the right thing. When we were talking I kept trying to get him to talk about what he thought we should do, but never felt like I got an answer. My partner said I knew this would happen when I went to the counselor and I suppose I did - I know they have a legal/ethical responsiblility to report if they have reason to. It feels so horrid to have the police and state in my family.

Mamas, I really hope I have done the right thing - if not I have probably ruined my partner's life, definately ruined a 9 year relationship all from a need to "do something". That said I know I have to believe and try to help my son. But did I do the right thing?

Could he be making it up? He is extremely smart and precocious?

I have taken the week off of work and now need to find child care in a city where I have no family and only some casual friends.

Anyone who can send me love and peace right now would be greatly appreciated.

While I know parents out there are going through harder times, this is pretty bad - from being afraid for my son, from not trusting my partner, from my partner knowing I don't completely trust him, to dealing with the police and government. I feel extremely alone, sad and scared and doubting myself.

[Amylcd]

Could he be making it up?

No - not unless he has viewed graphic porn, which would be a form of abuse also.

You did the right thing, please stop doubting your son.

[PajamaMama]

you really did do the right thing.

your son will never forget that you believed him...

much peace and strength to you

[tgrlilly]

thank you

I re-read my post and I do sound doubtful and weak - which is not who I believe myself to be. As I do the hard things here in real life, I am allowing myself to be weak here online -I seek support from this community.

..."You did the right thing, please stop doubting your son."...

I do belive my son, and to the best of my ability I have shown I belive my son. his safety, happiness and growth are my life;
The doubt I have is not in my son but in myself and the question of: is bringing in the police the right thing, what is done is done.

goodnite

[Shantimama]

This afternoon I remembered we have a friend who is a counselor - I probably should have gone to her before a stranger, but somehow it seemed if it was just a thing my partner's privacy would be more intact with a stranger...

The thing is even a family friend who is a counsellor would have a legal obligation to report any suspected case of child abuse. Hearing the information you shared here, this person would have had to make the same phone calls to report the situation to the authorities, friend or not. Things would not have unfolded any differently.

I hope I have done the right thing. When we were talking I kept trying to get him to talk about what he thought we should do, but never felt like I got an answer. My partner said I knew this would happen when I went to the counselor and I suppose I did - I know they have a legal/ethical responsiblility to report if they have reason to. It feels so horrid to have the police and state in my family.

A couple of things come to mind when I read this. First, it sounds like an odd response from your partner. It sounds like he is blaming you for the current distress in your family and like somehow you did the wrong thing. If he is innocent I would assume he would still be greatly distressed about being investigated, but also comfortable that everything would clear and be glad that your son's safety is taken so seriously. You didn't do anything wrong. If he did do something wrong, this response fits the pattern of abusers not taking responsibility for their actions and always shifting blame onto other people.

I believe you that it is a horrible feeling to have your family being investigated like this, but really, isn't it better this way than taking the risk of your son being sexually abused? Neither option is pleasant, but if your partner did abuse your son, he tore apart the peace and comfort and well being of your family from the moment he began to sexually abuse a child. It is not your fault that this is happening.

[Think of Winter]

Oh mama. You did the right thing. Protecting your child must come before protecting your partner. Your dp is an adult, and you have NOT ruined his life. His first priority should be protecting your son, just as yours is. I'm so sorry.

[Norasmomma]

Your son is 4-they don't lie about this kind of thing. Your DP is an adult he's acted completely inappropriately and I am glad to see he's not allowed near your family right now(and hopefully again). So many children get abused and no one believes them. I know that this is a horrible situation, but you were strong and did believe him. I understand your questioning-it's a very difficult thing to have to believe, but small children just don't lie about this kind of stuff, adults do. I'm glad for the sake of you son and unborn child you have taken your son to counseling and gotten the authorities involved. It's difficult, but there are no other options.