child sexuality/abuse? - Page 11

[amandaleigh37]

So glad to hear the great update! Hoping things will fall into place for a quick, easy move & transition for both of you.

[zebrachick83]

wow! i just sat and read through this whole thread and i am so sorry for what you are dealing with. it must be very hard for you, but i am glad you have your mom's support and your son will always love you for protecting him. my mom didn't protect me and i've still not gotten over it.....

it really is frightening to hear about the responses that others gave your son when he told them what happened. despite all the news coverage that child abuse gets now, people are still way too passive about it, in my opinion. i am convinced that this has happened to a lot more people than others might think. maybe if people talked about these topics honestly, we could get some real understanding from one another.

anyway, i'm glad things are looking up for you and your son! best wishes!

[Miss Information]

Originally Posted by tgrlilly

it is so good to have my mom here. I got home from work and my son was sleeping! (I know he feels safe for him to rest). it was really great - he was so happy when he woke up and tonite. I am so grateful to my mom for coming here. It feels like she is rescuing us.

I spoke with the social worker today - said I'd heard throught the grapevine that ex was thinking of fighting me for custody. he said not to worry, there was no way that would happen, that he was facing serious charges, that the cyfd had determined the abuse allegation "substatiated" and that he would be more than happy to testify in any custody hearing, submit reports, etc. it is still hard for me to think of ex in trouble with the law, facing prison, but I was very relieved about the custody part.


I found out today that ds told some parents in our "community" about his abuse (after his dad was removed from home) they said ds told them that his dad rubbed his penis on his face and that he didn't like it - but because he didn't sound afraid or shamed they didn't take it seriously or whatever...that they are just trying to stay neutral and objective...I have to admit I replied with a pretty raw email - I don't want to burn bridges, but I did ask my god what would it take? and I did suggest some education on child abuse...

let it go..I've got to just let it go! what you all are saying about abusers & people in denial really makes sense to me - feels like the truth. after saturday I really realized (now to enact!) that letting these folks get to me will only negatively impact my son, myself & baby...

More good news - DA's office said I was free to move as long as I keep in touch and resolve any custody matters so that is very good news too. Now I just have to figure out the house and a job & I'm back in business!

thank you for all the hugs & positive support. It really means a lot! I just feel like you all are really at our side helping me to have courage on this roller coaster ride.

If the allegation has been substantiated, then I'd say to heck with any disbelievers. It's not your job to defend yourself against them, your job is to protect your son and you are doing an excellent job of that despite everyone being against you and your son.

It's not like you fabricated these stories. Your son came to you, you turned to authorities to help you verify your child's story and protect him if they were true. Stay strong in the knowledge that you did what was right. Absolutely no question on that.

Sending many good vibes your way to keep you uplifted.

[tgrlilly]

Muttmom92: it is a good question, believe me some nites I'm laying there awake and I think back or these flashes come to me...

1. Yes, my ex partner has good qualities - I am not trying to say that - what follows are the negatives. look im still defending the guy.:

2. He could really be a jerk sometimes - controlling - about a lot of things like the phone or whatever, grabbing at my body - no real intimacy with me in the last few years - just agressive sexual stuff - which totally turned me off (and then I would blame myself for lack of intimacy). I don't know if kept staying / trying to make the relationship work because I didn't think I deserved better or what, but I do regret not leaving when I knew I wasn't happy.

3. My son went from being ok with me going to work to crying and clinging to me when I left in the morning.

4. When my son was 2 or 3 - shortly after I went back to work ds told me his dad put his finger in his butt. I talked with ex partner about it - he was like no...and I thought well - maybe when his dad was wiping him or something. (stupid stupid stupid)

5. My ex thought it was a reasonable job for a 4 year old to be responsible to pick up the dog poo in the yard and would make ds to to do it regardless of what I would say. - but it shows what I've learned now is the inablility to see age appropriateness.

6. In the last year or 6 months or so ex started saying my son was LYING and would say it pretty often. For instance I was laying in bed and asked ds to see if it had snowed in the nite ds was like yeah mom it snowed! well it turned out it didn't and ex said he was Lying - which is rediculous - we were wishful thinking.

7. Ds started this really bizarre thing a couple of months before ds told me of the abuse where he would rub his booty on my leg in kind of a weird sexual way when he was frustrated or didn't have my attention. I talked with him like where did you learn this, but nothing - again stupid stupid stupid - I thought maybe he picked it up at school or something? a month or so ago he told me his dad taught him to do it & to keep doing it, don't stop! SICK SICK SICK. now that his dad is gone he has stopped.

8. about a month or two before ds told me he started sucking and biting on his fingers when he had never done it before.

9. every so often I would get home from work and the door would be locked even though they were home inside and I would get a weird feeling - but would just tell myself not to be paranoid, not trusting, etc.

10. there were times I wished for a "nanny-cam" in the house - again that was my intuition telling me something.

11. ex partner wouldn't stop when he was told to stop. like if he & I would be playing rough or if he & ds were wrestling/tickling/playing rough. he would never listen to our words and stop until a past when we said to stop.

12. many times ex would show little resect for my privacy or ds property (like his toys) but was very strict about his privacy/property.


Writing this out has been hard. If I'd had the guts to leave sooner or to not tolerate bs against myself or ds I could have prevented this stuff better/sooner. But I didn't.

If you all have relationships where you can talk openly about issues it seems like it would be helpful to have a plan in place in advance - should one of your children come to either of you. That way it would be clear how to proceed and maybe your "communities" wouldn't be able to judge you for no contact, calling the authorities, etc. because it was pre-agreed upon? again I sound so stupid - these are the things a reasonable parent has to do to protect...aaaaah!

I don't know if that is helpful - hope it is. sorry if its too much information!

[tgrlilly]

[QUOTE=Miss Information;13674700]If the allegation has been substantiated, then I'd say to heck with any disbelievers. It's not your job to defend yourself against them, your job is to protect your son

Thank you!!

[lucyem]

I have been keeping up with your post tgrlilly and sending lots and lots of good vibes your way. You are a strong and brave mom.

[Mizelenius]

Thank you for writing out the list. On your list, nothing except the rubbing his bottom on you (and only when he told you his dad did it-- and that was VERY recently) stands out. And without him saying his dad taught him, I could see that he might have discovered it on his own and it felt good. The finger-- it (well, not really, but one might think your DS wasn't explaining it right-- ) could have happened while wiping.

In other words, in hindsight, when everything is all written out and we know the truth, of course it's easy to see. But in reality, it wasn't. Even your intuition, the "gift" was strong-- but again, it is NORMAL to second guess it. Don't call yourself stupid-- you are not stupid at all. As soon as your DS gave you info that was a confirmation, you immediately acted on it. Look at all the people who your DS TOLD and did not act on it? That even now, are protecting a predator???

For so many reasons, I am so, so, so happy that you and your son are free now. You deserve so much peace and happiness!

[tgrlilly]

thank you.

[PlayaMama]

couldn't read and not post again, just to say, yay mama!!!! it may be hard but what you have done is RIGHT and CORRECT and STRONG.

i wish all littles had mamas like you that would protect them like you have.

hugs!! i'm hoping your move goes well too

[zebrachick83]

it can easily seem like you missed a lot when you list everything, but it's hard to look at all those things collectively until you have something that directly shows it to you that way. a few things here and there over some years can be hard to connect up. don't feel bad about the past mama. be happy you made the right choice for you and your son. and take comfort in listing these things, b/c they show you made the right decision!

[muttmom92]

Originally Posted by Mizelenius

In other words, in hindsight, when everything is all written out and we know the truth, of course it's easy to see. But in reality, it wasn't. Even your intuition, the "gift" was strong-- but again, it is NORMAL to second guess it. Don't call yourself stupid-- you are not stupid at all. As soon as your DS gave you info that was a confirmation, you immediately acted on it. Look at all the people who your DS TOLD and did not act on it? That even now, are protecting a predator???

For so many reasons, I am so, so, so happy that you and your son are free now. You deserve so much peace and happiness!

:

Thank you for sharing that. It was helpful and I think your idea of having a plan is a great one.

[Sierra]

I agree with the others that it is hard to connect the dots when you are actually living in the picture. You can only see now how it all added up, with this list here in front of you.

I can't recall, but are you hooked up with victim advocacy services? There may be support groups for moms who have been through this, if that is ever something that might be of interest to you.

[Think of Winter]

Tgrlily,
You were really brave to write that list. I think it could be very valuable to the prosecutor in your dp's case and to your ds's counselor.

I just finished reading Protecting the Gift. It was very enlightening and I'm recommending it to every parent I talk to. One of the main themes in the book is that the biggest challenge to protecting children is overcoming denial that something awful could happen, or is happening. You were able to do that, Trglily. I am really in awe.

You're doing great. Stay strong.

[puddle]

I want to be another voice to thank you for writing that list out. I know that had to be really painful, but it really drives home the fact that we have to trust our mama guts no matter what, even about things that seem little. Please don't judge yourself for not catching the signs earlier. There isn't a single mama on this planet that doesn't wish she'd done something differently for her kids. What happened to your son was not in any way your fault. Your job is to protect your kids, but it's your ex's job too. He is the one who failed you and your son.

[LavenderMae]

I just wanted to say that the only thing on your list that might raise a red flag to me was the butt rubbing but I wouldn't have jumped to 'his dad must be molesting him' from that though. Many things on your list are typical (doesn't make them right) behaviour for many dads/men (and probably mothers/women too). One of my pet peeves is the way many play with little kids, like tickling passed the point of fun, not listening to stop or put me down etc.

I'm just trying to point out that I can understand why you tried so hard to ignore your intuition because many things you listed just aren't that uncommon and usually aren't a sign that someone is a predator (again doesn't make them okay).


I do understand where your guilt is coming from but you didn't do anything wrong and it is not your fault at all. You are proving above and beyond what a wonderful, loving and protective mom you are.

[amandaleigh37]

It had to be incredibly hard to write that list. Thank you for sharing it with us. Please don't think that you are "stupid" or blame yourself for not seeing it earlier. How many of us would suspect something like this, from our child's parent, from someone who is supposed to be our partner in protecting him? You are not the one to blame. You, and you alone, are the one who rescued your son. I really admire your bravery, and I'm so sorry that your community is not supporting you. Abusers are very good at making people like them, but truth is truth. And your son knows the truth. He will never forget how you believed him and have fought to keep him safe, no matter the cost. Hang in there mama.

[Miss Information]

Originally Posted by LavenderMae

I just wanted to say that the only thing on your list that might raise a red flag to me was the butt rubbing but I wouldn't have jumped to 'his dad must be molesting him' from that though. Many things on your list are typical (doesn't make them right) behaviour for many dads/men (and probably mothers/women too). One of my pet peeves is the way many play with little kids, like tickling passed the point of fun, not listening to stop or put me down etc.

I'm just trying to point out that I can understand why you tried so hard to ignore your intuition because many things you listed just aren't that uncommon and usually aren't a sign that someone is a predator (again doesn't make them okay).


I do understand where your guilt is coming from but you didn't do anything wrong and it is not your fault at all. You are proving above and beyond what a wonderful, loving and protective mom you are.

I agree with this.


It's not your fault. I repeat, it's NOT YOUR FAULT.

Just think how much worse it could be had you not intervened now. You intervened at the earliest, clearest sign that something was wrong. No one could have done any better than that. Think about it, when all you have is a gut feeling but no clear proof, it would even be harder to do anything about it.

Stay strong mama.

[Marylizah]

Mama, you are so amazing. You are so brave and strong and so, so courageous.

You having NOTHING to feel guilty about. Your ex-partner bears all of the blame. You did everything and continue to do everything you can to protect your precious son and he is so lucky to have you.

I'm so sorry that your community isn't supporting you. How heartbreaking on top of everything else. Please know that this virtual community thinks you are such a great mom.

Sending you and your son warm, healing, embracing thoughts.

[mouso]

to you. I've been following along and rooting for you. You are doing a wonderful job of protecting your son.

Of course, in hindsight you will see so many more signs- hindsight is 20/20. But, like others said, when you got a clear signal from your boy you stepped right up and protected him- that's what's most important. You are a GREAT mama!

[redorchid]

I've just caught up. I'm so amazed at your poise in this situation. You have a wonderful relationship with your son, it will go a long way in his recovery from all of this.

I'm so glad to hear your mom has come to help you, how wonderful. I hope you get along well with her and she is helpful.

If you haven't already done so, if I were you, I would make sure to remove your name from your checking account and reroute your paycheck if it's directly deposited. Get his name off of all the bills for the house. Meet with someone to talk about dividing your shared assets and after some things are figured out, find out what taxes look like in a situation such as yours. Be careful about talking to mutual friends of yours and your son's father. I would only deal with the in-laws for business purposes, if at all, from now on.

If you do move be clear with anyone who knows your new address that it is private information. Especially your lawyer and anyone dealing with the criminal case. You might want to use your parent's address or a P.O. Box for mail and not give out your home address to much of anyone. If you don't move, or even if you're just staying until your maternity leave begins, change the locks on the house.

Custody for your younger child might be easier if you finalize a divorce before the birth, I'm not sure on that one, but it used to be the case (I'm talking decades ago), that any child born to a married woman was the legal child of the husband, even if it wasn't his biological child. Someone already mentioned it, but get one heck of a doula! Maybe consider a special person to be with your son during the birth. Will he be there?

I'm sorry if all my comments are kind of business sounding and a bunch of crap you've already dealt with or don't want to think about. I can't imagine what I would do in your position, but I think what I would want from some woman on the other side of the country might be to think of ways to avoid being any more vulnerable, or something like that.

I hope you and your son can have a peaceful summer and can put most of this in the past very soon. I hope the trial goes smoothly and stresses you and your son out as little as possible. Hang in there! When the bad days or moments come, just let them wash over you as if they were contractions; things you need to move through and process to get to the other side. You're a courageous mother, your son and baby you are carrying are lucky to have you. Your family will be in my thoughts.