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child sexuality/abuse? - Page 14

post #261 of 416
I just read through this whole thread and wanted to post my support. TgrLily, you are a hero. You are a hero to your son and you are a hero to anyone who has ever been abused. The strength and love you show for your son is amazing.

I am not a big expert on abuse but in my job in the past few months I've talked in depth with some survivors of childhood sexual abuse. One thing they've all told me -- separately, in different words, but they all say this -- is that the abuse was bad, but the worst thing was not being believed when they told about it. Being ignored or called a liar is what haunts them, what plays through their memories over and over, what wakes them up screaming in the middle of the night to this day. YOU SAVED YOUR SON FROM THAT. You, and your bravery and your insistence on doing the right thing no matter how hard it is -- and it is hard. I love your son's comment about maybe it's your turn to get a break from doing the hard, right thing. I sure hope you have some easy times ahead -- you both deserve it!

Whatever happens though, no matter how hard it gets, you did the right thing, your son knows you love him and will fight for him, and things will be so much better in the end because of it.

It sucks that your ex hired a PI, but sounds like there's not much dirt for him to find. Are you definitely moving? Sounds like a good plan. Things are only going to get better and better for you. Sending you love and support.
post #262 of 416
OP: I only clicked on this thread today, and have mostly skimmed your posts. I really don't even know what to say, except....kudos. You've done something really hard for your son, and a lot of parents don't do it. He's lucky to have you for a mom.

Hang in there. I can't even begin to imagine how hard this must be.
post #263 of 416
Just read every post and couldn't not post. Anything I have to say seems so pointless compared to what you are going through!

The other side of this will be amazing. Sending positive vibes your way!
post #264 of 416
Tigerlily... I've been thinking about you and your little boy and I hope things are starting to get better for you. I know it's been rough for weeks. Thoughts and blessings.
post #265 of 416
I have been thinking of you since reading this thread ages ago, and I hope that things are getting better. I haven't contributed, but I want to step in now.

Do NOT email him or his relatives. Do NOT come an "understanding" with this man. This will all come back to bite you in court. And please, please, PLEASE try to make sure that there are criminal charges leveled against him. You might think that not doing so will be better for your son, but I think that there should be real closure here: not that he'd understand it now, but in the future. Also think of how many single moms there are out there with young sons who would think that your ex was quite a catch, and might not be nearly as wonderful a mama as you are and believe their sons.

But mainly DO NOT PUT ANYTHING IN WRITING, even email.
post #266 of 416
Quote:
Originally Posted by lach View Post
I have been thinking of you since reading this thread ages ago, and I hope that things are getting better. I haven't contributed, but I want to step in now.

Do NOT email him or his relatives. Do NOT come an "understanding" with this man. This will all come back to bite you in court. And please, please, PLEASE try to make sure that there are criminal charges leveled against him. You might think that not doing so will be better for your son, but I think that there should be real closure here: not that he'd understand it now, but in the future. Also think of how many single moms there are out there with young sons who would think that your ex was quite a catch, and might not be nearly as wonderful a mama as you are and believe their sons.

But mainly DO NOT PUT ANYTHING IN WRITING, even email.
:

And I think you should consult with your attorney about whether you should keep this thread up. In the past, I have seen some MDC mamas ask for threads like this to be removed after being advised to do so by their attorneys. Of course, we all want to keep up our support and hear updates, and keep cheering you on, but just get some legal advice to be sure.
post #267 of 416
I could not not reply after finding this thread and reading your families story.

I am so so sorry your family is having to deal with this now, as you are expecting your new baby. You really are a very inspirational mother. Many other mothers here have told you that, and I wanted to add my voice.

Being a survivor of childhood sexual abuse myself, I can only reiterate just how essential the experience of having the abuse acknowledged is. It took me about 25 years to have it acknowledged, and the relief was enormous. In a way, the largest part of the trauma was the turning away and denial by the people I reached out to. That you listened to your son and responded in a way to keep him safe and protected is something that I wish more children who have been abused could experience. I know it must be very hard to feel your family falling apart, but there really is no alternative right now. For the sake of your son.

I was heartened to read that your mother is there to help you and that your son no longer needs to be in that daycare.

I wish you strength as you continue working through this very traumatic time. You are a totally awesome mother. Hugs to all of you
post #268 of 416
Hey mama,

Is everything ok? You are in our thoughts.
post #269 of 416
I hope everything is just getting better and better for you and your son.

So much love and peace to you both (and the little one you are growing).
post #270 of 416
thinking of you and your children You really are such a strong protective mama, keep up the hard work!
post #271 of 416
Thread Starter 
Hi All-
Well, I had the lawyer go ahead with the process of having him served for child custody.

We are doing alright. There are so many decisions to make (about moving or not) and with the baby's birth coming up moving seems so overwhelming, but staying seems so...?

I hope the custody situation does not get all nasty and goes pretty quickly.

My ds seems to be doing pretty well and is still talking about his feelings, etc. so that is good.

Thank you all for your continued support! it really helps when all this gets so unbelievable.
post #272 of 416
You are doing such a great job mom! I'm so glad things are moving forward for you. You've got all of us behind you. All our strength. All our love. All our support. We are all rooting for you!
post #273 of 416

You and your family are in my prayers.

Oh no.

Please believe and protect your son. I don't believe a child that young would make this up.

I am so sorry this has happened.

Please post an update.

I will be thinking of you and praying for you and your family.

DH needs to get help and your son needs to get help as well. Help understanding that none of what happened is his fault.

Great big bear HUGS.
post #274 of 416
I am sending you so many positive vibes regarding the child support/custody stuff. That man does not deserve to be walking free much less any access to the child he violated and any judge worth anything will see that!

Always wishing you, your son and little one the very best.
post #275 of 416
I, too, am sending positive vibes/thoughts your way in regards to the custody papers and for the health and well being of you and your son (and your little one in the belly).

I deal with the courts and I don't know any judges, even the dumb ones, that would think twice about that custody arrangement. I'm sending vibes to that judge's chambers for him/her to be filled with wisdom when your case is read/heard.
post #276 of 416
Thread Starter 
Thank you for the support - again things are getting hard.
After he was served with the custody petition the backlash just starts building again. I got the closure papers from CPS and the allegations were substantiated. The detective told me the no contact order is still in effect but these ladies still keep pushing and guilting me about not letting ex have supervised visitation with ds.

it is so frustrating and humiliating to be so raw and emotional and trying so hard to do what is right and to be undermined by these women that I used to have so much respect for. This one lady (who is a social worker) told ex that he should just show up at my son's preschool graduation - knowing the abuse was substantiated...unbelievable.

Keep us in your thoughts. DS is doing well, but this stuff is really stressful for me. My mom is a real help, but I still feel so alone and trapped by these circumstances and the baby's birth is just around the corner, then all the money worries and new baby excitement.

This has been hard week and it dosen't seem like it will get any easier any sooner.

Love-
post #277 of 416
If he does, and the no contact order is in effect, please call the police when he shows up.

Still praying for you.
post #278 of 416
Quote:
Originally Posted by mysticmomma View Post
If he does, and the no contact order is in effect, please call the police when he shows up.
Yes, indeed.

I just read this whole thread through now, and I'm just amazed by you, tgrlilly.
You are a wonderful, amazing, strong and brave mama.
I'm sure you and your ds (and the new baby) will do just fine, because they have you.
Hang in there mama, we usually go by this mantra when things are hard: This too, shall pass.




(My bio. father molested me when I was a kid, and my bio. mom looked the other way for more than 10 years. My foster family saved me in the end. I'm so glad you are protecting your child, really. It breaks my heart that he had to experience it at all, but you made it all better by believing in him and taking action, this will make him so strong.)
post #279 of 416
Quote:
Originally Posted by mysticmomma View Post
If he does, and the no contact order is in effect, please call the police when he shows up.
Exactly. I am appalled by that social worker (she seems to be in the wrong field imo). I can not fathom wanting a child to have visitations (even supervised) with the person who sexually violated them, it's beyond disturbing and disgusting. She does NOT have your son's best interest at heart. I would ignore her and avoid her as much as possible (along with anyone else not supportive of you and your son).

I'm am so sorry things are hard right now. I wish I could make it easier.

You are doing the right thing, please don't doubt that. Anyone who thinks he should have any contact or parental rights is disturbed and obviously has no freakin clue.
post #280 of 416
Oh, mama, I just read this whole thread. You are such a wonderful mother. Your son is lucky to have such a strong woman protecting him from abuse. I'm so sorry you're enduring the mental torture of wondering if your ex is going to show up to victimize your family once again.

Know this: no matter how well he's managed to charm the social workers and whomever else, there's a court order in place. If he violates it, call 911 immediately and let the cops haul him off to jail where he belongs. Child abusers are often charming and charismatic, which serves as camouflage for their behavior and keeps other adults disarmed and sympathetic. How many times do we hear, "He was so nice and friendly! I never dreamed he'd hurt my child!" Abusive people are sometimes able to fool us all. They can be extremely charming--but they can't charm guns and iron bars away. Contact the police right away if he dares to show his face within 100 yards of your precious child.

You know the truth. The Court knows the truth. You're going to get through this just fine. Oh, and that stuff about how his family spent a small fortune on a lawyer? Who told you that--them? They're trying to intimidate you into giving in. They want to scare you into shutting up about this and letting it go, possibly because this cycle of sexual abuse has a long history in their family. Pedophiles don't usually appear in a vacuum--often, they themselves were abused as children. For your DH's family to acknowledge and deal with it now could potentially open them all up to similar allegations. They're scared! And they should be.

Please don't let them frighten you with their empty threats. The facts are on your side and no one in their right mind is going to grant a child molester custody of the child he molested. No, not even partial custody. No matter how charmed those social workers are, it's too late. The accusations are officially substantiated. Your DH will lose all rights to see your child. In fact he'll be very lucky not to go to prison (I hope he does).

Here's hoping the madness ends soon and you and your beautiful son can move far away from these predators.
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