Tigerlily, I read through all the posts and had to respond.
First off, you ARE an amazing BRAVE mama and your son WILL remember this. I pray that you keep making the right decisions.
I want to relay a bit of my own story so that it might shed some light on the custody aspects of sex abuse and the mentality of a father who would sexually abuse his own children.
My father and mother were married almost 10 years when he started molesting me, my sister and my brother. My Mom was pregnant at the time with the 4th.
I was 7 at the time. First grade. Sis was 5, Bro was 3. None of us knew that he was also molesting all of us. We each thought we were the only ones. It went on for a year and a half.
This was in 1980. No Oprah or Dr. Phil. NO real support for victims of this kind of thing...
Anyway, when my Mom put it all together (she told me she walked in on him doing similar things to my brother that you described previously. She also heard me talking about it to my sister AND practically walked into it with me and my father at least once. ) she did exactly what you did. He was ordered out of the house, we were taken to a scary building where we had to make SCARY statements to people we didn't know and we were whisked away to a shelter in another city for 3 weeks. When we came back, I missed my dad but I was also glad that he was gone. Very much like the way you describe your son as reacting. Also, I felt DEEPLY GUILTY. GUILTY and DIRTY. I felt that I knew what we were doing was wrong and I did it anyway. And now everyone KNEW! I was so screwed up!! Back then, there was virtually no therapy involved for the victims!
I'm not sure if he originally denied it, but when it came to court HE WAS GRANTED SUPERVISED VISITATION despite the fact that he admitted most of the acts he committed against us. And the SUPERVISORS of this lovely visit? Why HIS PARENTS, of course. He was living in their basement.
Let me tell you about visitation. By the time it finally happened, I was really grasping that what my dad had done was REALLY BAD. I was terrified to see him. I didn't trust him anymore. The first visit, we were dropped off in a public park. We had a great time and I DID NOT WANT TO LEAVE HIM despite how terrified I was initially. I remember my Mom yelling at while I screamed to her in the car that I wanted to stay with him. "Why would would you want to stay with him after all of the things that he did to you?!" God, that was mortifying. She actually said it OUT LOUD in front of my brothers and sister. I cried silently the whole way home.
Then the "Supervised" visits at my grandmother's house began. When we would get there (we were dropped off, BTW, my mother did not come), my grandmother (his mother) would hang out with us for about 30 minutes. Then sometimes she'd leave or go upstairs. Then he'd take us down to the basement and basically try to get away with whatever he could under the guise of reading us a book in his lap... or whatever might look innocent if someone walked in. It wasn't innocent.
When we visited him, he would always tell us how much he loved us, how special we were to him, how it "hurt him so bad that we couldn't be together anymore" blah, blah, blah. Total mental manipulation. He would make us feel so guilty if we shied away. I cannot emphasize how STRESSFUL this was for me at that age. Every night, I would literally list mentally all of the things that I had to worry about the next day. I am sure that your son is STRESSED about it all, too in his little 4 year old way.
It got to the point that I refused to go to visitation anymore. I had a total freakout about it!!!!I finally got my point across and we never went again.
My point is: DO NOT GIVE ON THE CUSTODY ONE BIT. Once a pedophile, always a pedophile. He will use the time to molest your child, picking up right where he left off. He will not change. And you can bet his parents will volunteer to be the "supervisors" if visitation is suggested. They don't believe he did it and they'll probably go out of their way to give him some "alone time" with his son once you drop him off.
Also, pedophiles are masters at reading people and master liars. Also, master manipulators. When caught, they will deny it until the end. But more importantly, THEY ARE ADDICTED TO THEIR BEHAVIOR. They cannot stop themselves no matter how hard they try or want to. I truly believe this.
Also, in my case, my dad molested every little kid he could get his hands on. Mostly my friends and cousins. I'd be surprised if your ex didn't have other victims...
I am thinking about you and your children. And praying for that little boy. Pm me if you need perspective.