child sexuality/abuse? - Page 3

[LavenderMae]

You did the right thing.

[DariusMom]

Originally Posted by tgrlilly

thank you

I re-read my post and I do sound doubtful and weak - which is not who I believe myself to be. As I do the hard things here in real life, I am allowing myself to be weak here online -I seek support from this community.

..."You did the right thing, please stop doubting your son."...

I do belive my son, and to the best of my ability I have shown I belive my son. his safety, happiness and growth are my life;
The doubt I have is not in my son but in myself and the question of: is bringing in the police the right thing, what is done is done.

goodnite

You do sound weak and doubtful, but that's ok. Be weak and doubtful online, not in real life. You're dealing with a hugely upsetting situation that has pretty much instantly turned your whole life upside down.

You've done the right thing. hang in there! please update us when you feel comfortable doing so.

[groovynaturemama]

pm'ing you mama. i'm so sorry that this is happening. i can offer to help you in any way, as i live here in NM too (in ABQ).

[Fairy4tmama]

oh mama I am so sorry that your life feels upside down! Please know that all though you feel weak and doubtful you have excercised great strength. If your partner is abusing your son you have just acted in the one way that can contain the damage done to your son. Victems of sexual abuse who are believed and protected still suffer the consequenses of their abuse but it is not compounded by the impact of telling and being ignored or disbelieved, and having the abuse continue as it so often does. You did the right thing!

[Epiphany]

You have such a heavy burden to bear in your life right now. I'm glad you can come here and "let your hair down" and be scared, or weak, or whatever you need in order to find at least some peace and strength thru all of this.

You have done exactly the right thing, your posts sound like you know this even though it was/is incredibly hard. I wish my mother had acted the way you did when I was in a similiar situation as a child. Bless you, and thank you.

[Ann-Marita]

Have you thought about posting in the "Finding Your Tribe" area for New Mexico to try to find local moms who are willing to help with child care?

Sending you lots of support and light.

[DevaMajka]

mama. You did the right thing. It must be very difficult for you right now, but you did what you had to do to keep your son safe. Even if it turns out that it's all a mistake of some sort (doesn't sound likely, but anything's possible), it was still the right thing to do.

[tgrlilly]

Thank you all, and thank you liss_420 for your support and pm - I will write you as soon as I can.

[artgirl]

You are a good mother. A strong mother. A mother who did something that was INCREDIBLY hard and scary to save her son. You should be proud. I'm sure you feel horrible, but think of how innocent your son is... what price is worth shattering that? Nothing to me.
I'm afraid of what I would do if I ever found my dh had done something inappropriate to one of our children.
Hold your head up. Hug your son. Keep focused on WHY you are doing what you are doing by looking at his tiny, trusting face. Love him and love yourself.
I am proud of you. I was worried in the beginning of your postings that you wouldn't follow through... and you did.
Sending you tons of love and prayers... because even the right thing is very very very very hard sometimes.

[Labbemama]

(hugs) for you and your son.

I just wanted to say if you are looking for help with what to do when your child discloses sexual abuse
the 1 800 4 a child can help with making a report in your state--
the other place that is nationally know is RAINN

www.rainn.org

They provide support to Rape, Incest, Childhood Sexual Abuse and have a network of hotlines and provider referral. (Sounds like you already have a counselor) There are a lot of good books on helping your child.

There's another site created by the olympic cyclist who went public with his story of sexual abuse by a family friend and he's started a site to raise awareness about sexual abuse of boys and young men. I'm trying to find the link in my stuff. I heard him speak and it was so inspiring. My advice is when your son is ready to talk share role models like this man with him.

BUT, sometimes you just need to talk to a live person who understands and they can give you a crisis line to talk to a counselor who will be familiar with the ins and outs of the issue and resources where you live. Where I live there are advocates who can help you I would highly recommend asking the counselor if she knows one. If your son discloses your counselor might be legally obligated to make a report, so I want you to be prepared for that. It is also not uncommon for a child to "take it back" or recant because they just want their life to go back to normal and perpetrators can put so much pressure on them before or after the disclosure.

You have a brave little guy there.

[Rosehip]

You did the right thing. You can do this.

Even if your DP is innocent (and frankly, I'm hard pressed to imagine such a scenario based on the information you've provided), his reaction to the information and actions you've rightly taken drop him right down to the bottom of the list of people for whom to be concerned.

I'm so, so sorry for you and your little guy. You've got resources here. Call on your IRL resources too. Friends, relatives, neighbors. Ask them to bring meals, run your errands, just free you up so you can be w/your DS. People will be happy to do it.

[A&A]

Originally Posted by PajamaMama

you really did do the right thing.

your son will never forget that you believed him...

much peace and strength to you

:



You are an amazingly strong mama.

[MsLondon]

[QUOTE=tgrlilly;13292430]
While I know parents out there are going through harder times.... QUOTE]

Mama, next to your child being seriously ill, this is possibly the next worse thing that a mother could go through. You are in an absolutely heartbreaking situation and i feel so bad for you. I just couldnt read this thread an not offer my support.

I think you have done the right thing without a shadow of doubt. You must be going through so many emotions at the moment, and Im sure that it must be so hard to accept that someone you have been in a relationship with for 9 years is a sexually molesting a child least of all your own together!

But ignorance is not bliss in this case. You have to protect the safety of your child your unborn child and you have taken the first steps in doing so.
If your partner is innocent, anger should not really be an emotion he should be having. Sadness, bewilderment, devastation, yes. but not anger.
I think you believe your son, I think you dont want to believe any of this but I think deep down you do even if your partner has never showed any signs of being this way.

My BF was raped by her Father from age 7 to 14 (when it all came out) Her mother swore she had no idea and my BF believes her. Her mom kicked her dad out straight away but my BF often says she wishes she had told her mother years ago so it would have stopped. There was no question in her mind that her mother would have stopped it. Because as children thats what we believe, that our mothers will protect us and stop any bad things from happening to us. My BF is wonderful now, she has a beautiful home, happily married to a great guy and 2 gorgeous kids. But I truly believe that when she told her mom, if her mom did nothing, she would have been all kinds of messed up right now.

Can you imagine not doing anything about it now and your son coming to you in a few years and telling you again. and resenting you for not believing him. you would never forgive yourself.

You had no options here, there is nothing else you coul have done.
When it comes to sexual abuse there is no halfway, you can either ignore it or you report it. You did the right thing!!!!

[Think of Winter]

Hang in there, mama, and go easy on yourself.

You are an inspiration. So many in your position would not have had the strength to do what you did.

[moondiapers]

TGRLILLY

Ask the CPS worker how to find child care. In most states the childcare licensing system is part of CPS and they'll have a referal list for you. Since your DP is out of the house you may even qualify for free childcare right now. Just ask lots of questions at the interviews with the childcare providers. When you've chosen a provider be honest with him/her while still protecting your son's privacy.

[Leta]

You absolutely did the right thing. And if, by the tiniest, most remote snowball's chance your partner is innocent (which, I'm sorry, but I don't believe for a second), he'll get over it. Decent parents know that children have to protected.

It's okay be doubtful here. You don't have videotape, and this situation is enough to make the most centered person's head spin. What's important is that your actions were forceful.

You did the right thing.

[Miss Information]

Originally Posted by Leta

You absolutely did the right thing. And if, by the tiniest, most remote snowball's chance your partner is innocent (which, I'm sorry, but I don't believe for a second), he'll get over it. Decent parents know that children have to protected.

I want to re-iterate this. I've been with my dh for 13 years. But if my girls said anything like what your son did, he would have to leave and I'd involve anyone I had to (CPS, cops, counselors) until this got sorted out. No matter how much I love dh, if one of the girls said something, I'd have to put their safety first.

If I were to be wrong, I'd rather be erring on the side of caution when it comes to the children. If your partner were really innocent and yet continues to be angry even after everything comes to light, then I'd seriously think he'd need counseling before you let him back in.

There should be no reason for anger. Shock, maybe, and sadness, but overall there should be a willingness to find out why the son said such things, but not anger.

You can do this. You did the right thing. Everything will come to light and you can sort things out later with your partner. Your son needs protection NOW.

[2xshy]

you did the right thing 100%
it is a gift to your child that he will be able to confide in you and know no matter what you will go to the ends of the earth to keep him safe.

and while it might be hard to have your son out of the house ( for child care hours) because you are a very AP family, AP is ALL about following the childs needs and this child right now needs alternate care.

[sunflowergirll]

Tgrlilly,

I am so sorry you are going through this. Especially while pregnant. I imagine this is one of the toughest situations a parent can face. I wish you only the best. Thank you for standing up for your son.

In terms of DPs rxn, I too was totally ready to condemn him for his reaction. I imagined how my husband would react and would never guess that he'd react with anger.

I brought this thread up as a discussion, and asked him how he'd react. And he said he'd react just like DP. And he was quite angry just thinking of the hypothetical.

I shrugged my shoulders and figured, ok, I guess wrong.

Then he went on to say that when he was a child, his sister masturbated a lot in school. The teachers were concerned and my MIL took my DH and SIL to a therapist. As my husband remembers it, all the therapist woudl do was focus on my FIL (they were divorced, and my DH remembers my MIL being somewhat happy to focus on FIL ... there were issues in the divorce - which probably led to the masturbating ...). No other men were discussed, as my husband remembers it.

My DH thinks of it as a witch hunt against my FIL. Thus the anger if I started "accusing" my husband.

No, given that your DS discussed explicitly sexual acts that a 4 yo wouldn't even think of, I am soooooo glad the authorities were called in. Your children come first. Always. Forever. You need to protect them. And any DH worth his salt will know that a mamma bear will do anything to protect her children.

You did the right thing.

But after the discussion with my husband, I don't know if you're husband's reaction is so weird.

My $0.01.

-sunflowergirll

[rightkindofme]

You did a very hard, very necessary thing. I hope you can grow to feel proud of the strength you showed.