child sexuality/abuse? - Page 21
I know this happened over a year ago, and I haven't had the time to read the whole thread, but from what I have read, wow. Here's what I have to say.
- You absolutely did the right thing in talking to a counselor. The counselor should have notified you that he/she would have to report this, but it sounds like you knew this would happen, and this is what SHOULD happen.
- It's HIGHLY unlikely that your child would make something like that up, and I keep mentally returning to this. Either your partner did this to your son or he didn't, so either you believe it or you don't. But which is the worst? Believing it when your partner is innocent, or NOT believing your son when this REALLY did happen? The latter, not believing your son when he's been victimized, is the worse of the two by far, in my opinion. Yes, if your partner was accused falsely, that's bad too, but not as bad (not even close) as your son telling you something so scary and upsetting and not being believed.
- As others have mentioned, I imagine how I would react if someone said my child said this about me and it wasn't true. I would not be angry, but I would be wondering why in the world he would say something like this? Of course I would be scared as sexual abuse is a scary allegation, but I would also be very scared for my child and why he/she would come up with this sort of thing.
- Of course the fear, shock, sadness, and disbelief you went through must be completely overwhelming. Not only are you facing the thought that your son has been abused, but this wasn't some creepy camp counselor or weird next door neighbor. This is your partner, and his DAD. You can't get any worse than that. I think most people would have a really hard time coming to terms with this, and those feelings you were having were completely normal. I don't know if you will even read this, but I hope that you and your son have been able to survive this successfully and move on in your lives. Imagine how your son would feel to be able to say, "I told my mom, and my mom saved me." That is the most important thing of all. I feel so terrible for all of you. Big hugs, wherever you are.
I re-read my post and I do sound doubtful and weak - which is not who I believe myself to be. As I do the hard things here in real life, I am allowing myself to be weak here online -I seek support from this community.
..."You did the right thing, please stop doubting your son."...
I do belive my son, and to the best of my ability I have shown I belive my son. his safety, happiness and growth are my life;
The doubt I have is not in my son but in myself and the question of: is bringing in the police the right thing, what is done is done.
A couple people said the only thing that stood out was the "butt rubbing," but I am just wondering (I know this thread is old), did no one think him saying his dad put his finger inside his bottom as really a red flag? Of course I can see how his mom would find a possible explanation for that, as I think many of us would, but that seems like an even bigger red flag in retrospect.
I just wanted to say that the only thing on your list that might raise a red flag to me was the butt rubbing but I wouldn't have jumped to 'his dad must be molesting him' from that though. Many things on your list are typical (doesn't make them right) behaviour for many dads/men (and probably mothers/women too). One of my pet peeves is the way many play with little kids, like tickling passed the point of fun, not listening to stop or put me down etc.
I'm just trying to point out that I can understand why you tried so hard to ignore your intuition because many things you listed just aren't that uncommon and usually aren't a sign that someone is a predator (again doesn't make them okay).
I do understand where your guilt is coming from but you didn't do anything wrong and it is not your fault at all. You are proving above and beyond what a wonderful, loving and protective mom you are.
I can't believe they dropped the charges! Can you file charges yourself? Or go to the AG and demand they do it? Or go to the media and stir it up so they feel like jerks and have to do it? Honestly, I know he's his dad and it's really heartbreaking, but after what he did I just couldn't imagine my child being around their father after something like that. I can only imagine it could lead to worse...maybe not physically if it's always supervised, but the emotional damage that could occur.
I'm sorry, mama.
This thread saddens me more. I'm going thru something similar but its my neighbor. And no moving isn't an option. I have been waiting over 5 mths for the district attorney to make a decision if they are going to prosecute. My girls and I are in therapy and my husband is trying to avoid even thinking about it. Basically, my neighbor was taking my twins over my back yard fence. I talked to this creep every day and would of never expected him to do something like this. We have a wooden 6ft fence! Come to find out his yard is higher up than mine and he has a retaining wall that he was standing on! I immediately contacted police, Chadwick and they contacted child services. I had to prove I wasn't a crazy mom blaming my neighbor for something b/c I didn't like him. So, I'm going thru the same process. I have been very aggressive about trying to get something on this guy. He did the most horrible things to my girls and of course he is denying it. The freak even took a clipping of their hair! Tell me that he hasn't done something like this before if he is keeping something like that! He is still living right next to us! His lawyer must of told him to avoid us b/c he immediately goes in his house if we come out. He is also probably afraid of my huge husband. And I think that is why my husband doesn't want to think about it. I get so angry b/c I don't think he is supportive enough at times but I just think he is afraid nothing is going to happen and than what? We will have to live by this creep. My therapist said move but we live in a very expensive house and with market now..there is no way we could sell it. There is absolutely no way that I would rent it out to another family either. I'm just praying he goes to jail so we don't have to make a decision on where we are going to live. We live 2 blocks from a elementary too so if he gets only 1 count he will be forced to move b/d of Jessica's Law. If it seems like I'm rambling it is b/c that is the way my mind has been thinking today. I hate Fridays b/c its my girls therapy day. I spend 10 to 1:30 wondering what they are saying to a therapist. :( I have 3 girls and this creep did something to all of them. I'm a very strong person but at times even a strong person has weak moments especially when it comes to an innocent child. I guess my biggest mind spin is how in the he77 could I not of known this was going on? I have no idea how many times it took them over there. I can only figure he took them when I was doing homework with my older daughter. If he wouldn't of got a little bolder I wouldn't of caught him. So I guess I feel relief that it wasn't worse but every month I'm finding out more crap that he did. Now that my girls are 4 they are talking more. At night sometimes I just want to cry and I'm not in any kind of mood for intimacy with my husband. I think this also drives me crazy. My husband doesn't understand why I wouldn't be in the mood. If I even think of anything sexual I feel sick! I'm sure the therapy will help. Anyway, I could type on and on about all the craziness. I just want to know if anyone has had any 3 yrs that went thru therapy for sexual abuse. I took them immediately and I was just wondering how long does it take to start healing for a toddler. My one dd seems to want to go to the Dr now for everything. I know you can't put a time on how long b/c everyone is different and every experience is different. I know my girls are definitely not ready to stop therapy yet. I'm also worried if they will ask them to testify in court. I recently received a call from the detective and had said he had new evidence so I'm sadly hoping he got someone else to confirm that he is a creep. I told the police I suspected he did something to someone else b/c he acted weird when I mentioned his grand kids. At the time I talked about his granddaughter it didn't send up a red flag until after he abused my family. I feel guilty that I hope there is another victim so there is more evidence but really hope but I know there is one. He was just to good with his tricks and games he played. I just don't want this to happen to anyone Else's family. I know police investigations take a long time but its so frustrating. And I can't really mention anything that happened :( Nor do I really want to be reminded. I just thought if someone did something like this..they would have a sure arrest! So its our word against his! I told the cop how can my dd know what a mans private parts look like if she never saw it before! And 3.5 yr olds don't lie about sexual stuff. Where are they going to learn it? Especially when they think its funny or a game! I just don't know what I'm going to do if the DA doesn't charge him! This guy volunteers for Make a Wish, is a retired fireman and helps with a Jr yacht sailor club! I even considered a civil suit not for money but just to get the word out about him. I figure if they don't arrest him maybe I can make him pay some how. Pay for putting my family thru he77. Our family is a big mess everyone is so hostile towards each other even with therapy :( We all love each to death but it seems we are screaming at each other all the time :( Please let me know there is justice and pray for us. I pray that he doesn't get a chance to touch another child! Please excuse my typing since my mind is hurting. I have so many feeling but don't have really anyone to relate with. My husband doesn't really want to tell anyone about what happened. I don't want to tell my parents b/c my dad is a cop (not here) and I'm afraid he will go ballistic! Plus I know my mom couldn't handle it. Any advice? I think I'm just in the waiting game.
I only read the first half page of responses. But I had to post. My DD was molested by her second cousin at that age. She didn't tell me for 2 yrs but when she did as hard as it was I knew I had to listen to her and believe her. In therapy she told her therapist that this was one of the most important things to her was that I believed her. The guy confessed to it all and we are working past it but it will always affect us and will forever be a horrid part of our lives.
Hugs to you and your little boy. DO NOT leave him alone with your DS no matter what. I hope everything has been worked out by now since this is a older post. I am now going to read on.
If you search my posts I think I have posted about it on here.
ETA: WOW mama you are a amazing lady! You gave your DS the greatest gift by listening and protecting him. I am disgusted that your x got away with this. I hope life is good for you guys.
Edited by Katie T - 7/30/11 at 7:34pm
To AllGirlHouse - So so sorry you are also going through what OP is. Just wanted to day you're an awesome parent for acting as soon as you knew there was a problem. As hard as all this is, and as slow as your kids' recovery may seem, it's still easier and less horrific than what you'd be going through if you'd been in denial or otherwise failed to act when you knew something was very wrong.
Hopefully the investigation will be thorough and dig up real evidence. As you have probably learned by now, it's good to walk the delicate line between consistently checking on progress with the investigators, and not "harassing" them so that they get pissed off. It's a delicate balance and is a diffferent dynamic with different people, but it's important to keep up with their progress as much as they can tell you about it.
On the hopefully off chance that your neighbor gets away with this, definitely talk to a civil lawyer (ideally one experienced in pursuing sex abuse cases) and find out what your other options are. Anything that publicly shames your neighbor and draws on whatever evidence you are able to learn about (or if nothing else, your children's stories/details) is worth pursuing. Especially if you are stuck next to him. Maybe it will make him move, but if nothing else hopefully it'll keep him totally away from your family. It's just awful though, to always have to worry and watch and wait.
I really hope the evidence is there and he's charged and convicted. Please let us know what happens to you. My prayers go out to your girls and your whole family.
Here i am years later. Still living, working, cleaning, mothering through this exerience. Back needing support. Guidance.
My dear son is now 8, little girl 3.
Their dad never did have any legal reprocussions (other than a lot of money spent by his parents) and my nearly $20,000 debt and a great deal of energy, emotion and resources spent I have kept visitation to 3 hours a week supervised.
The toll on me, to be selfish, has been enormous; with no end in sight.
Today i am reaching out in need of support and advise. And with hard lessons learned about the system, communities, etc. surrounding child sexual abuse.
Is there anyone here who would like to communicate with me?
I will talk to you, tgrlilly. If you ever need to talk, my inbox is open. :) While I never experienced what you went through (you are a very strong, brave mama!!!), I was abused by many people as a child, and no one believed me. So you did a great thing listening to and protecting your son. I hope things are going better for you. *hugs* Stay strong, mama!
I am currently reading a book called The Body Remembers (I'm on an iPad so a link would be hard-it is on amazon) it goes through what happens in your body and brain when you are traumatized. It is, of course, aimed at adult sufferers of PTSD but your children have a relatively high chance of ending up with it. This book is helping me understand why I behave the ways I do--because of the abuse. I have learned fairly specific things that are helping me learn Actual Coping Skills instead of doing the very broken and dysfunctional things I did as a child.
When you go through experiences like this it changes how your brain works. A lot of standard parenting advice is no longer appropriate or relevant to your kids. They literally can't do some things in the way you would prefer and it isn't their fault. This book is helping me find compassion for myself. I survived my childhood. That is nearly miraculous.
My father started raping me when I was a toddler. He didn't stop till I was 16 and I pressed charges. He didn't go to prison because he committed suicide the morning his trial was to begin. I have been raped many times by many people because he taught me that is what is supposed to happen to me.
Also books like:Everything You Never Wanted Your Kids To Know About Sex But Were Afraid They'd Ask. That has given me a much better understanding of normal sexual development. I have to study these things in order to understand them.
The most important thing for you to know is that only about 20% of people who experience trauma develop PTSD. Your children are not at a point where they are "doomed" or anything hyperbolic like that. It might help you to understand how the brain deals with trauma though. Maybe you can help your kids when they are little and they won't turn out anything like me.
Just reading Protecting the Gift. I can't praise it enough. So glad you did what you did and went with it. If you hadn't it could have turned out v. differently for your ds. This was such a long thread that I couldn't get to all of it but tried and read most of your posts. I was molested as a child and I do carry anger that I think stems from it. How is your ds doing?