Birthdays and bullying

[kkeake]

I wrote the following email to my daughter's kindergarten teacher yesterday - what do you think? I really dont' want to be the helicopter parent here, but I thought something had to be said.

"Hi Mrs. H. -

I just wanted to get some feedback from you on an issue that came up
today. Juliet is very hurt that she didn't get an invitation to C.'s birthday party. Certainly C. can invite whoever she wants to her party, but my concern is that she passed out the invites at school and obviously not everyone got one. It is particularly upsetting because Juliet really adores C. and wants to be her friend. It seems to me that this should be done more privately unless everyone in the class is getting an invite. How is this usually handled?

As always, thank you for being such a wonderful teacher to my daughter.
She really
loves kindergarten.

Thanks,
Amanda"

How do you typically handle stuff like this?

[Aeress]

I don't believe the school district has a birthday policy, however, dd's pre-k class does. Parents are asked to send invites to everyone or to send them in the mail.

i think the email was very to the point and polite.

[TiredX2]

I think that was perfect.

I was very surprised when a child in DS's class gave out invitations and didn't give them to everyone (or even to every girl). I was surprised that the parent didn't know better

I am not aware of a policy, but in the past I have only seen parents send invitiations if it was the whole class OR all of one gender in the class (all girls or all boys). Our personal (family) rule is that if you are inviting over half-2/3 the class you have to invite them all, or if you are inviting over half of one gender you have to invite them all (so if there are 10 girls in the class, you can't just invite 7 of them).

[Mbella]

Great e-mail. I am a former teacher and my rule (it might have also been a school rule) was you cannot hand out invitations at school unless the whole class or all of one gender is invited. I cannot believe your dd's teacher allowed that.

I remember feeling hurt about not being invited to a party when I was little. I hope your dd feels better about the situation soon.

[mommy2maya]

I think that is a good note, and most schools do have policies about this. However, I know from my own dd, even if you don't send the invites to school, the kids do talk about the upcoming/just over party, and kids feelings can still get hurt.

That said, this is NOT a bullying issue, as is.

[kkeake]

Thanks for your input. I got an email back from the teacher, and she was extremely apologetic. It sounds like the invites were passed out kind of behind her back - she had made it clear that if you were having a birthday party you could invite everyone or no one at school. If you aren't inviting everyone, you can't bring invitations to school. So this was all done outside of her view.

Originally Posted by mommy2maya

That said, this is NOT a bullying issue, as is.

mommy2maya - I really do feel like this is bullying. Maybe not extreme, but it was very intentional on the other child's part. She made a point of letting the kids know that she was having a birthday party and if you got an invite you were her friend. My daughter was anticipating getting an invite, went to find hers in her cubby and it wasn't there. She was very confused. That being said, I feel like the girl's parents are really at fault here. Who would let their kid go to kindergarten with invitations for only a few kids and make a show of passing them out?

[amcal]

I'm sorry for your daughter I'm glad the teacher responded but, I'm curious how invitations can be passed out behind the teacher's back? Unless only a few students were invited, it would take time to pass out invitations and I'm concerned that the teacher missed it.

I agree this isn't a bullying issue. It's tacky, rude, unkind etc... but, I really wouldn't call it bullying. My DD was bullied last year - she was singled out, she was told she was ugly, her clothes were ugly, that she colored like a baby etc... that is bullying.

Not getting invited to a birthday party isn't bullying. Even if she said that she was only inviting her friends.

[mommy2maya]

See, now that is a way different explanation. I still wouldn't see it as bullying, exactly. Not a kindergartener. I think it is definitely something that shoudl be addressed, making sure that the child knows that it is hurtful, etc. I would definitely bring up the circumstances to the teacher, especially the 'not my friend' part- then she can talk to the child's parents about it.

[williamsmommy2002]

You know, maybe the parents didn't know the policy. As for making a show of it, the parents were not there. Also I don't see it as bullying. Just because this child doesn't want to be your child's friend does not make them a bully.

[amcal]

Originally Posted by williamsmommy2002

You know, maybe the parents didn't know the policy. As for making a show of it, the parents were not there. Also I don't see it as bullying. Just because this child doesn't want to be your child's friend does not make them a bully.

This is a very good point. The OP herself didn't know the policy and had to check with the teacher so, chances are the parents just didn't think.

The teacher does need to know that this student told the children that "if you got an invitation you were her friend". But, this is sort of typical kindergarten behavior. It's not ok and does need to be address because it's unkind but, I would be careful labeling your child as the victim of a bully.

[kkeake]

Originally Posted by amcal

I agree this isn't a bullying issue. It's tacky, rude, unkind etc... but, I really wouldn't call it bullying. My DD was bullied last year - she was singled out, she was told she was ugly, her clothes were ugly, that she colored like a baby etc... that is bullying.

Not getting invited to a birthday party isn't bullying. Even if she said that she was only inviting her friends.

Wow, I guess I didn't know that kids that young could be so awful to each other. I have a lot to learn over the next few years - I feel like starting kindergarten has been harder on me than on my kids. I am so sorry your daughter had to go through that. And I agree, that's on a whole other level than what is going on with my kid.

Soo... fast forward a couple of months - my son turns 6 in April and my daughter turns 6 in May. I guess if we're doing the birthday party thing we need to invite the entire class or just call the parents of the few kids they want to invite?

[mammastar2]

The little girl may well not have meant to be "awful," but just have been caught up in the excitement of announcing that she had invitations for all her friends. It can be hard at that age, especially with something so exciting, to run every scenario and choose your words like Miss Manners.

I see it more as an etiquette question, unless she followed it up with an announcement that of course she didn't invite your daughter because your daughter smells, or something like that.

We find distributing birthday invites incredibly hard, actually, because we don't have most parents' phone numbers. Generally, they are distributed at school, but it's "subtle", e.g. giving them to the teacher to put in homework folders, handing them out on the playground, etc. There's really no way to avoid kids knowing about parties they're not invited to, but they seem to quickly develop the skills to live with that ("so-and-so's only having a small party this year, so I'm not invited," "my mom says I can only have a few people over, but maybe we can have a playdate sometime," "oh well, it would be at McDonald's, and I don't like it anyway, and she probably knew," etc.)

[williamsmommy2002]

We have had issues with birthdays also. My ds is in a special day class for grades 1-3. Most of the kids take the bus so i've only met 2 other parents of kids in the class. His birthday is at the begining of the year which makes it hard with inviting friends. Since there are special circumstances involving these kids, the teacher does allow us to do something small on the child's birthday. We brought cupcakes and then had a small family party. If he is in the same class next year, we might invite the kids because he will have built more relationships with them.

The reason I mentioned the friend thing is because both of my kids can't handle large groups of friends. The older one has a pretty obvious disability but the younger one does not. Neither would do something like that to be mean, but they might do that same thing. Not all kids this age have very good social skills.

[amcal]

Originally Posted by kkeake

Wow, I guess I didn't know that kids that young could be so awful to each other. I have a lot to learn over the next few years - I feel like starting kindergarten has been harder on me than on my kids. I am so sorry your daughter had to go through that. And I agree, that's on a whole other level than what is going on with my kid.

Soo... fast forward a couple of months - my son turns 6 in April and my daughter turns 6 in May. I guess if we're doing the birthday party thing we need to invite the entire class or just call the parents of the few kids they want to invite?

I agree, I don't think she was intending to be awful. We did 2 years of preschool so we knew the rule about invitations. Maybe this family just didn't know. I shouldn't have said that it was rude and tacky, I'm betting they just didn't realize and didn't anticipate their daughter making such an issue out of it. But, I totally get that your daughter's feelings were hurt. It's never fun to be left out but, I guess we don't always get invited everywhere.

I hope the teacher mentions this to the other family or sends a note home addressing it to all the families for future reference.

As far as your son's birthday, it's up to you. Personally we've always invited the entire class but, we do birthdays at home so the more the merrier. But, you certainly can just invite a few friends. If you do that, I would either call or mail invitations.

[CarrieMF]

I really do feel like this is bullying. Maybe not extreme, but it was very intentional on the other child's part. She made a point of letting the kids know that she was having a birthday party and if you got an invite you were her friend.

I don't see it as bullying either, mean maybe but not intentional either.

If the invites were not handed out at school most likely this would have happened anyhow as kids talk about parties.

Our school has no policy regarding birthday invites & everyone brings the invites to school & either hands them out/places them on desks when they get to school or at the end of the day when doing agendas. There is no other way to contact the parents of the kids, there are no phoning lists or email lists for the parents. Not all parents are there after school picking kids up either.

[rabrog]

"Exclusion" is also a form of bullying, plain and simple. This child was excluded and the exclusion was rubbed in her face (or could have been - if everyone knew you were C's friend if you got an invite in your cubby and others knew J didn't get an invite.....).

As for the parents not knowing the policy, who cares? It's a matter of decency and thinking about how your child would feel if they were excluded. It's not an issue of policy (though there should be one and everyone made aware of it, obviously.)

My DD just took invtes to her party to school yesterday. She wanted to invite everyone but one little boy. I said absolutely not. She has had no problems with M all year, he's a sweet boy and I've watched them interact at school. I told her either M gets one, too, or we'll have to mail all of them and she couldn't pass them out at school. M got an invite and she took the invites to school.

Jenn

[amcal]

Jenn,
This is kindergarten. It's not 4th grade. This is possibly this parent's first time with invitations in a school setting. She may have thought her DD was just going to walk in and put the invitations in the cubbies not even thinking that her DD might say something to the other kids.

I think it's a huge stretch to equate this with bullying. The child wasn't nice but, I seriously doubt the kindergartener and her parents had this whole exclusionary plan that they executed with the intention of hurting other children.

I bet they just didn't think. It's not an excuse, more of an explanation. It happens. Maybe they were busy, maybe they have other small children, maybe there isn't a class list so she had no other way of getting the inviations out there, maybe they only had money to invite a few children - who knows.

But, really, I see this as an opportunity for all involved. The parents of this child need to know what their daughter did. The parents of all the children need to understand the class policy for passing out invitations. And the children need to understand that they won't always be invited to everything and it's not a reflection of their self worth - it just happens for a variety of reasons (Money, space, time etc.)

[mommy2maya]

Originally Posted by amcal

Jenn,
This is kindergarten. It's not 4th grade. This is possibly this parent's first time with invitations in a school setting. She may have thought her DD was just going to walk in and put the invitations in the cubbies not even thinking that her DD might say something to the other kids.

I think it's a huge stretch to equate this with bullying. The child wasn't nice but, I seriously doubt the kindergartener and her parents had this whole exclusionary plan that they executed with the intention of hurting other children.

I bet they just didn't think. It's not an excuse, more of an explanation. It happens. Maybe they were busy, maybe they have other small children, maybe there isn't a class list so she had no other way of getting the inviations out there, maybe they only had money to invite a few children - who knows.

But, really, I see this as an opportunity for all involved. The parents of this child need to know what their daughter did. The parents of all the children need to understand the class policy for passing out invitations. And the children need to understand that they won't always be invited to everything and it's not a reflection of their self worth - it just happens for a variety of reasons (Money, space, time etc.)

VERY VERY good post!

[CarrieMF]

"Exclusion" is also a form of bullying, plain and simple. This child was excluded and the exclusion was rubbed in her face (or could have been - if everyone knew you were C's friend if you got an invite in your cubby and others knew J didn't get an invite.....).

I disagree. If every kids except for 1 was invited then yes it's exclusion. If there were 6 out of 18 kids invited then it is not exclusion. Perhaps the mom could only afford to invite a certain number of kids & these are the kids the child picked. IMO this is a time for parents of the not invited AND invited kids to explain to their kids that not everyone can be invited, it does not mean so & so is not your friend but they could only invite x number of kids. Of course not all parents will do that & those parents are doing a disservice to their children. But those who will talk to their kids can use it as a learning experience for their kids.

[wildmonkeys]

great post and something we have struggled with...

there are about 90 kids per grade at my kids school so we can't invite the whole grade or even all the boys. it seems we are more likely to know neighbors, parents in our area, but our school draws from some lower socio-economic areas that are far from our house. i have let the kids bring invites to school for the kids whose addresses i don't know...i feel weird about him bringing invites to school, but also about inviting kids based on where they live, yk?

anyway, it is a struggle to do it nicely...