Birthdays and bullying - Page 3

[amcal]

Originally Posted by mojumi

I'm surprised that there are not class lists (with names & contact info) for classes, if not a school-wide directory. Is this a common public school policy?

I always had class lists or school family directories in school, and my kids now also have class lists or school directories (private). This makes a lot of things so much easier!! (Like, calling another parent to find out about homework, talk about problems, or, say, mailing invitations!)

We've always had them too. This is the first year that one of my daughter's classes had a list and the other didn't. It makes it really difficult when they don't.

But, I found out it was a parent volunteer who put the list together. It's not something the teacher probably has the time or the desire to do.

Next year, I will make sure there is a class list for both of my kids classes - it makes getting together with friends, birthday parties, calling other parents for volunteer issues etc... so much easier.

[The4OfUs]

Originally Posted by GuildJenn

As hard as it is to see our children affected, kids and parents often learn by making mistakes.

It sounds like the rules of the road weren't clear when it comes to which invitations can be give out at school. But then, if a child were collecting addresses of her special friends and not from everyone else, we'd probably criticize that... and if the school gave out all the addresses probably people would be upset at the lack of privacy too. So, you know, I'm getting on board with the no parties thing.

I do think that kids will test out their 'power' of invitation. For some it will be at the slide and for some it will be their party. I don't think it's necessary to label this bullying unless it becomes a habitual pattern. I think we could label it immature behaviour and simply address it (like you did by contacting the teacher, OP).

I also think we do our kids a favour when we model reacting calmly, appropriately, and kindly. Rather than seeking blame I think all the feelings in the situation can be validated, and an atmosphere where mistakes are okay is really important to learning of all kinds. The birthday girl made mistakes, her parents may have, and of course the poor kid who was left out needs some hugs and love.

But some perspective helps too. Our kids look to us for clues about how serious some things are. This is serious in the feelings, but the fact is that spaces at parties are often limited, and it is NOT the ultimate slap in the face to not get invited from time to time - it's life. It helps to show our kids how to handle such realities with grace and style - in all the positions.

: While I think exclusion *can* be a form of bullying, in this particular situation I don't think it's bullying, it's just poor manners and being mean...there's a difference, IMO.

My DS invited 4 kids from his PreK class to his bowling party - quite frankly, he's not friends with everyone in his class so why should we invite all of them? He's not even friends with all the boys, so that wouldn't make sense either - he invited 2 boys and 2 girls, as they are the kids he plays with most at school. He's *kind and polite* to everyone in his class and may play with all of the kids at varying times, but there are only a handful that he considers his friends. I think forcing kids to invite the whole class, or all of one gender kind of murks up the waters of the specialness of friendship vs the idea of being kind and getting along with everyone. When I was working outside of the home in an office, I got along with all my coworkers and was friend-ly with them, but I did not consider every coworker my friend, nor would I invite everyone I am acquainted with to a party if I was throwing one. I understand that kids often lack the social graces that adults do, but IMO part of growing up and teaching them, and learning about it involves sometimes not being invited to someone's party, even though your child might think adore the other child, maybe the other child doesn't adore yours as much. It's not a fun lesson to have to learn or teach, but IMO the alternative of forcing larger parties to save everyone's feelings isn't a great solution either.

I dunno, I just feel like this is an example of a well intentioned idea (sparing someone's feelings) being taken too far to the extreme...sometimes you get invited to special things, sometimes you don't. Sometimes you really like a person as a friend, and they are lukewarm on you - and sometimes someone really likes you as a friend and you only feel lukewarm about them. I guess I just feel like there's a difference between getting along with everyone (being kind and friendly - which is VERY important to me), and considering someone a friend...and I think that making kids invite everyone is watering down the special relationships that friendships are.

Of course a birthday child and anyone invited shouldn't go around taunting other children or repeatedly telling stories about the party, or being obviously rude about it. But forbidding any talk of a party at all? Again, I think it's a good intention gone awry.

Not everyone needs to be BFFs with everyone...IMO people need to be kind and courteous and thoughtful to everyone (and I understand that the birthday girl in this situation was none of those things, but she's a kid and needs to be taught), but friendship to me is a step above that and shouldn't be watered down for the sake of inclusion of everyone. But that's just MHO on the larger topic.

I totally agree that the little girl shouldn't have been rubbing it in anyone's face, for sure. That's rude, and inconsiderate....and an issue hopefully her parents will address. And I"m sorry that the OP's daughter is hurting...but I also agree that it's a learning opportunity for everyone in the situation, and an opportunity to teach about minor disappointments and perspective on life. I hope she feels better soon.


**Edit: FWIW, I handed out invites to the parents at drop off or pickup, and explained to them that it was a small party with just a few friends....and they got the hint. In coming years, I will also vounteer to put together a class contact list for my kids' classes. Some people don't care baout stuff like this - I volunteered this year to do a class list and the teacher sent a little slip of paper in each child's bag to return to her, and out of 16 kids, only 5 parents responded.

[Amys1st]

Originally Posted by amcal

Jenn,
This is kindergarten. It's not 4th grade. This is possibly this parent's first time with invitations in a school setting. She may have thought her DD was just going to walk in and put the invitations in the cubbies not even thinking that her DD might say something to the other kids.

I think it's a huge stretch to equate this with bullying. The child wasn't nice but, I seriously doubt the kindergartener and her parents had this whole exclusionary plan that they executed with the intention of hurting other children.

I bet they just didn't think. It's not an excuse, more of an explanation. It happens. Maybe they were busy, maybe they have other small children, maybe there isn't a class list so she had no other way of getting the inviations out there, maybe they only had money to invite a few children - who knows.

But, really, I see this as an opportunity for all involved. The parents of this child need to know what their daughter did. The parents of all the children need to understand the class policy for passing out invitations. And the children need to understand that they won't always be invited to everything and it's not a reflection of their self worth - it just happens for a variety of reasons (Money, space, time etc.)

Very well said and you saved the time to type of what I was going to say- basically the same thing.
Some parents make mistakes that may affect others and not know they are doing it, I am sure I have been guilty of this before. A lot of people are also green to the whole kindergarden thing, much less going to school thing so this sort of thing is going to happen.

[Amys1st]

Originally Posted by amcal

But, I found out it was a parent volunteer who put the list together. It's not something the teacher probably has the time or the desire to do.

Next year, I will make sure there is a class list for both of my kids classes - it makes getting together with friends, birthday parties, calling other parents for volunteer issues etc... so much easier.

That volunteer is me! I do it for the PTA, we have an all school directory. I have a flyer (I can pm it to anyone interested) that is sent home to every student in our school the first or second week. Its bright yellow, hard to miss and its a form you fill out with the info you want on your directory listing. If you do not send one back, your info will not be in the directory. It is always returned! There is maybe a handful of families who either do not return it or say they do not want info in the directory. Usually There is a few in the kindergarden who are new to school since its a first child, "they dont want their info in any directory" or they didnt do preschool etc and believe me they pay for it later when their child is excluded from the directory. Since most activities criss cross school or these are your neighbors, you miss out on car pooling, parties, playdates, or just about anything regarding school.

I save year to year the directories from church (most of my neighbors are in it too, have their numbers), preschool, historical society, and school. Its amazing how much you reference those.

[mommy2maya]

we do a whole school directory, which is like $5, and also homeroom moms sometimes do class lists. I like to have a class list, it is really nice, I reference it much more often than the directory, though I do reference that often as well.