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My 10 yo isn't happy with me today.. please read. - Page 2

post #21 of 45
You are being too hard on yourself mama. Your #1 job is keeping her safe.

As for the phone, what about a firefly or something similiar-a phone that she can only use to call you or dad, 911 or another # programmed by you. Serves for safety and your convenience but doesn't allow all the other stuff)

I work with some teen girls and set a limit about text usage during our sessions, the phone is turned off and put up by them or they leave it with mom for 50 minutes. No one has died yet.

My kids all share one cell phone in theory. So anyone could see anyone else's text. I think there's a way to get a text history from the company, maybe thru the account's webpage. I've told my kids I reserve the right to monitor their texts and after seeing a Dr. Phil about sexting they don't have a camera phone.

I trust 'em but I don't trust their peers.
post #22 of 45
She only texts. She doesn't call her friends. In fact, in the month she's had the phone she's only made one call to a friend. The other calls were to me or her father, and about mmmm.... 8 or 9 thousand text messages to people. (along the lines of showing immaturity, I added a friend of mine in her phone for emergencies only. And she called me to let me know that she had been texting her nonstop for days, even after she asked her to please stop because she was at work. I spoke with her and asked her to stop, she still didn't. I had to remove the number.)
for most people texting is cheaper(or free) rather than calling. However if she would not stop when an adult asked her to stop texting to tells me she does not have the maturity to deal with the responsibility of a cel for anything other than emergencies.

If she is going somewhere where she'd need access to a phone, or you are more comfortable her having a phone then IMO she can have it then as long as it is only used if she needs to call you or you need to call her(ie, no texting or calling anyone else). When she walks back in the door you get the phone back.

My oldest will be 11 in Nov, there are 2-3 friends her age who have cels and about the same who have a facebook account. None of the other ones do. for most kids here that doesn't start until Grade 7.

Now she will be getting a cel for her birthday which strict regulations on it.
post #23 of 45
Originally Posted by CarrieMF View Post

My oldest will be 11 in Nov, there are 2-3 friends her age who have cels and about the same who have a facebook account. None of the other ones do. for most kids here that doesn't start until Grade 7.

Now she will be getting a cel for her birthday which strict regulations on it.
My 11 year old got a cell phone for Christmas and she has been totally responsible with it and she needs no parentally imposed restrictions (she is on our family plan). She uses it to text me when she arrives at school as she rides the city bus. She also takes the bus to rock climbing and home from school on days she doesn't climb. She uses the phone or text to keep in touch with me, to let me know where she is. She gets the odd call or text from a friend, but that is it.
post #24 of 45
Originally Posted by Nature View Post

How can it be beneficial to her for me to give everything back, allow her to have unsupervised overnights with A..(something I've stopped) when stopping it seems to have made such a positive difference?

I guess thats where I'm confused.
I think you have your answer.

10 years old is very young. I think it is a wonderful thing for her to slow down. If and when you do decide to return her cell phone and computer, I would discuss the rules first, and make it clear, she either sticks by the rules, or she will have to learn to do without for a while longer.

I think different children need different approaches. Some will need more guidelines than others, some will naturally be drawn to trouble and others will naturally stir away from it. Maybe it's part of programmed personality mixed in with circumstances one cannot control? (i.e. divorce, friends, other adults in your child's life, etc.)

You learn through trial and error, and if your "trial" has brought you such positive results - you must have done something right in this mess of a situation, just my humble opinion.
post #25 of 45
My 11 year old has already cyber stalked a 16 year old and I have twice caught her trying to email college aged men. Had we not caught the stalking thing early on I fear we could have been visited by the police soon. This is a child who pretty much goes to school and comes home, last year she met the 16 year old on the bus while with her dad and brother and looked up his website later, which is when I started monitoring her internet usage. The college aged men she met when they visited the grade school.

We look over every email she sends or receives and there is no texting at all. There are too many people with no scruples and until she shows better judgement it isn't safe for her to use a computer or phone unsupervised.

Mind you, this is the same kid who pretended 2 years ago to not be able to do 3rd grade math or read, but she figured out how to get to the 16 year old's website and how to get the college men's email addys.

She shares a cell with her older brother and the first time we see a phone number on our bill that doesn't belong, there will be serious consequences.
Their cell is strictly for contacting us or 911.
post #26 of 45
I will toss out every computer in our house before I allow my daughter to have a computer with internet access in her bedroom. Seriously. And my DH is a computer nerd with all kinds of sites banned and parent security programs running constantly.
To me, her maturity is a non matter. I trust my daughter insofar as she is capable of holding it, but she's a kid. Its the rest of the world I do not trust. Kids click on stuff, they accept friends they don't know because their names sound cool.

There are 6 computers in our house. All of them are in public, well used areas. I don't see why kids need a computer in their bedroom. My kids spend time on the computer, on various sites. If they started to shield anything when we walked into the room, they would have a problem.

Computers are fun, they're a vast learning tool. But they aren't necessary. Parenting has evolved and becoming deeply interred in the advancement of technologies. As parents its not just the people we can *see* that are a cause for real concern, its also the ones we can't. And its our job to protect our kids for every threat, real is unseen as well.

You are her mother. You know her nature better than anyone. Trust yourself to guide her in life.
post #27 of 45

No TVs or computers in their bedrooms.

We, or course, are the meanest parents in the world.

You should see the cr@p dsd gets in her email from her friends who have unlimited computer access.

I can't understand people not being concerned with what their 10 and 11 year old girls are looking at or who they are chatting with online.
post #28 of 45
Thread Starter 
Oh my gosh no! Her laptop was never in her bedroom! It was/is hooked up directly next to my computer in the living room. All our computers are in public locations! And I do monitor what she goes to online. Its the reason why I caught her texting and emailing the 17 year old boy. They had only exchanged information the day before. Its not like it was an ongoing thing that happened for months or anything.

She doesn't even have a telephone in her room. (my main reason wasn't HER usage of it, but the fact that I know she would use it to spy on MY conversations which I don't appreciate.)

If I'm worried about that, she's not old enough for her own cell phone either. I'll be turning off that line.

The computer priveledges she might earn back sometime.

My husband and I play WoW, and that is the only reason why she plays. We have played for years together. We're a gaming family. Its one of the ways we spend time with each other. So eventually I will allow her to do that again, but there will be strict rules and expectations for who she groups with and how she talks with people. There will be NO cross over. In game friends STAY in game. And the chatlog will be on 100% of the time, and it will also be her responsibility to make sure it stays on. (if you log out it turns off automatically...pretty stupid.) When I check the logs, if I find something not right, times not right, or find that she's been talking to strangers innpropriately.. then she will lose the game. Perhaps permenantly depending on what she did.

I think she's going to take this seriously though. She's already seeing that she messed up pretty big, and she has admitted that she wants these rules to help keep her safe. THAT is a huge thing. For her to say, "Mom I want rules." tells me that this is the right choice. She is craving boundaries.

I also told her she will not be allowed overnights at A's house any longer. A is welcome to come here though. (it won't happen. A wants the freedom of her own house because of the lack of supervision. She always turns my daughters invitations down.) I did not forbid their friendship, but I let my daughter know why I was concerned and why I am not allowing her over there. Because right now her own judgement is compromised and I cannot trust that she can make good choices. She admits thats probably a good idea right now.

So really... I think I made the right choice.

Now, her father approached the situation telling her that if she doesn't stop she's going to be knocked up by 12 and be the town whore, and a bunch of other stuff I am NOT too happy to hear him say.... and I disagree with the approach.

I mean, we can all worry about that in the back of our minds but does it need to be said like that? Seemed a bit over the top to me. I was concerned about her safety... not her sexual activity. Feeling "in love" and sex are not the same thing to a 10 year old. I grounded her not because I think she's turning into a trashy whore, but because she broke major rules we had to keep her safe.
post #29 of 45
Originally Posted by Ruthla View Post
I was also playing with dolls at age 10, but with some rather "adult" themes to my doll play. No, I wasn't flirting with 17yos but I was running a Barbie abortion clinic.
Ruth, you are a strange and amazing person!

OP - You are a great mama! Look at how this situation is turning out, instead of what could be happening if you weren't so involved and concerned about your daughter's well-being. She could have met up with this boy and found herself in a big world of trouble. Instead her mom was right there to protect her, guide her and love her even if that's not what she thinks she wants or needs. That's EXACTLY what mothers are supposed to do!

I have a hunch that if you ditch the computer access and phone entirely for a while, you will see that responsible child re-emerging.
post #30 of 45
Thread Starter 
Thanks for the support mamas. This was a real difficult time for us, but I think we're working through it. I was so emotional behind closed doors! ... come to find out the teariness wasn't all about my daughter and my feelings of failure, but more about my own surprise!-you're-pregnant hormones!

I should have known. :
post #31 of 45

post #32 of 45
The fact that you've seen her behavior turn around completely since taking away her electronics would tell me that you're totally on the right track.

My dd is almost 9 and, for us, electronics won't be an option for awhile, and I don't feel one bit guilty about it! At this age, in my opinion, children still need to be children, not teenagers, and what's out there for them in the world of chat rooms, gaming, etc. takes them way, way beyond what most of them are able to handle at this age.

The fact that she's already in puberty, I'm guessing, makes life confusing for her -- she has the body of a woman, but the mind and heart of a child. Protecting her at this point and at this age is a great gift, and lets her still be a child a little while longer until she's old enough to handle what goes along with being out in the big wide world.
post #33 of 45
Congrats on finding out your pregnant!

I just read the whole thread - its a snowday and I don't have school

It sounds like taking away the computer and phone were a good thing - give them back IF and when you think she's ready. They can always be taken away again if she abuses them again. And if texting becomes the main problem you can turn it off on your phone - its off on my phone b/c I hate it and don't pay for it.

I also didn't get a phone until I was 15 and had crew practice from 5-7am on weekdays and took the city bus to school afterwards - my parents wanted me to be able to call if I needed to.
post #34 of 45
post #35 of 45
I couldn't read your post and not reply with some love : : all that stuff... I think you're instinct to make her "world a bit smaller" for now is great. You're doing a great job, momma, keep hanging in there!
post #36 of 45
All of that from a 10 year old? My daughter isn't much younger than that, and now I'm terrified of what's to come lol. I would not give the computer or cellphone back. At that age my daughters will definitely still be using the family computer.

I was also playing with dolls at age 10, but with some rather "adult" themes to my doll play. No, I wasn't flirting with 17yos but I was running a Barbie abortion clinic
Yeah, my barbies were making babies also.
post #37 of 45
Congratulations on the pregnancy! You handled things wonderfully. But you know that.

Just one more thought. Don't be afraid of your daughter's emotions like anger, and then cave. Don't made poor decisions because you're afraid that your daughter is going to be angry. That's a mistake I make with my 14 y.o. dd, though I'm getting better at dealing with it calmly. This issue will probably come up again, making a decision that disappoints her. It's OK for her to be angry with you.
post #38 of 45
Thread Starter 
Originally Posted by Amylcd View Post
At that age my daughters will definitely still be using the family computer.
She was, until her ex grandmother bought her a laptop. Not my idea.
post #39 of 45
Originally Posted by Ruthla View Post
But, considering all the trouble she got herself into, you may just want to keep her computer-free for the next 6 months. That would be OK too.
I completely agree. She needed more limits and now she's got them. And when you do return computer privileges it needs to be piecemeal and appropriate considering her age.

No more laptop at all - she needs to be only using the desktop. Also, I think that you need to create an account for her. By creating an account for her that isn't an administrator account you can manage the privileges on that account (whether or not they can erase browsing history, whether or not they can make downloads, what sites they can visit, etc.). You make another administrator account for you and your husband which is password protected and that she can't get to.
post #40 of 45
Is there a way to get parental controls on her phone? Ask your cell provider. Perhaps you can block texting or limit it to a certain number per month. Or get her one of those kids cell phones that can only use pre-programmed numbers.

I would not let her play WOW. Most adults have trouble managing their time on that game, plus you can chat to anyone. Try Toontown Online. It's cheaper than WOW and has parental controls. You can only chat using certain phrases unless your parent approves you to be friends with someone. My 10yo likes it and so do I.

I would be really concerned about that boy. It's possible he knew she was 10 and was encouraging her. It's also possible he's much older than 17.
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