call from assistant principle.

[MichaelsSahm]

Theres an update at #6.

I never thought this day would come, esp in Kindergarten. But i got a call from assistant principle that my DS (6) got into a fight with another boy on the playground, punched the boy in the face and then grabbed him by the troath.

This just doesn't sound like my son.

I am at a loss what to do. I guess he is going to be in indoor detention tomorrow at school for this.

But my heart aches. It is just not like him.

He isn't home from school, but there had to be something that provoked him to do this. Not saying that what he did was right. But there had to be something that made him want to snap like that, because he never acts like that. He even told the teacher this morning that he was going to have a good day and then this.

I am just confused as to how to handle this. How would you handle this???

[jjawm]

Oh, I hate calls from the principal.

Here's my advice, from experience:
be calm when he gets home. He'll probably be really shaken up by having to talk with the vp, and will appreciate your being calm about it.

Ask him what happened. Let him explain himself. Kids act differently when they're away from home, especially when they're learning what's acceptable away from mom and what's not. Later in the afternoon or evening, talk with him about what he could do differently. Everyone gets angry, but we need to learn what to do with the big feelings.

Make sure he knows you love him. And if there's an underlying cause going on (bullying) assure him you will help him work that out.

[zinemama]

Originally Posted by jjawm

Here's my advice, from experience:
be calm when he gets home. He'll probably be really shaken up by having to talk with the vp, and will appreciate your being calm about it.

Ask him what happened. Let him explain himself. Kids act differently when they're away from home, especially when they're learning what's acceptable away from mom and what's not. Later in the afternoon or evening, talk with him about what he could do differently. Everyone gets angry, but we need to learn what to do with the big feelings.

Make sure he knows you love him. And if there's an underlying cause going on (bullying) assure him you will help him work that out.

ITA.

I would also talk to his teacher. Ask who was this other kid, have there been issues between them, etc.

[fadedgirl]

I would want a lot more information (I realize they may not have it), or to speak with the person(s) on the playground who saw what happened. Hopefully someone was observing them before the fists were flying and can tell you what transpired. If not, you'll have to try to piece it together from what your DS tells you. But I would be inquiring about the other child, and whether your DS and this child were always friendly before this, or had previous altercations that were less severe...basically just what is the history between these two boys as the school is aware of it.

[karne]

I feel for you. My son is the same age in kindy. One day earlier this year his teacher pulled me aside to tell me that he had, seemingly unprovoked, punched one his best friends during circle time. I was flabbergasted-this didn't seem like my son at all. It was handled pretty matter-of-factly in the classroom in that it was made clear that there was to be no hitting, my son was given a different spot to sit in, etc. I imagine there might have been stronger consequences if it was a repeat action.

My take on how to handle it was to support how the teacher handled the situation, which was fine because I felt that the response was reasonable. Because I was at school when I learned of the situation, I spoke w/my son and his teacher together and reiterated that hitting wasn't OK. I also said that I knew that kindy was a time to learn a lot of things, including how to be with your friends, and how to express your feelings to your friends. Both the teacher and I talked about how we had lots to learn when we were in school also. After that I let it lie. I felt that school issues would be handled in school, and I didn't want to be over-disciplining at home. My son got it, end of story. Addressing the problem in the moment worked for us.

Now, I privately said to the teacher that my feeling was that my son got overstimulated or felt too crowded in circle time, and that generally big sensory experiences like that might be a time for him to physically be next to the teacher. An ounce of prevention has worked wonders so far. The class also has a school counselor every other week or so, and many issues like this are worked through in a positive way. The kids are ALL really learning about self control at this point.

In kindy I would have a big problem with detention! My guess would be that there was a pre-existing issue with the kids on the playground, they might not have been supervised enough, etc. Either way it seems that any sort of over the top punative measure is not called for. I'd be looking for more of a conflict-resolution strategy. perhaps involve the school guidance counselor. It's a teachable moment, which could be completely lost if it's all about punishment.

[MichaelsSahm]

Updated:

So far what I am getting out of my son is that the other boy was choking michael too. I am getting that its over competition who got to play with what. He told me he didn't squeeze the other boys neck. I told him that was very dangerous that it could really hurt someone.

I told him that it sounded like the other boy really made him mad. and told him that next time someone makes him mad to go play with someone else. That if anyone annoys us, that its best not to play with them instead of hurting someone.

I told him that if he wanted to draw and show me what made him so mad, he can do that. He did make a drawing. and then he made a drawing of what he thinks he should do next time (on his own i didn't ask him) he said that next time i should just go away and play with someone else if someone is being mean or upsetting him.

However, i am a bit stuck. If this was out of self defense. I am almost happy that he stood up for himself.

Its like I am happy he stood up for himself, yet I don't want him to use violence to stand up for himself. its so hard.

[fadedgirl]

Don't be stuck. Self defense is one of the most important things for someone to understand in life. If someone is choking you, obviously you'll need to and should use a physical response in order to save/protect yourself. Children should not be made to feel guilty for defending themselves (if that was the case, & not that you did make him feel that way!).

This might be a good time to analyze your own feelings and beliefs on the subject so that you can consistently instruct him on it in the future. How to know the difference between when he can/should run and tell, if that is even a viable solution under the circumstances; and when he needs to defend himself or some other child that requires it...very important.

[jjawm]

Self-defense is a tough one! I try to stress to my kids to use their words, and loudly, if someone is hurting them, hoping a teacher will realize what's going on. I can see how one child defending himself could look like a fight from the outside. No one wants their kids to be bullied.

He's so young, and he'll work through the rules of the playground and how to handle himself.

[mrsfrenchy]

I don't have any advice about where to go from here, I just wanted to say that I think you handled the situation really, really well!

It's obvious that your son's feeling are important to you, and coming from a family where feelings didn't matter much--I can tell you'll continue to be a great mom as he gets older. s

[MichaelsSahm]

Originally Posted by mrsfrenchy

I don't have any advice about where to go from here, I just wanted to say that I think you handled the situation really, really well!

It's obvious that your son's feeling are important to you, and coming from a family where feelings didn't matter much--I can tell you'll continue to be a great mom as he gets older. s

Thank you so much for the kind words. His feelings ARE very important to me.

[EFmom]

I had something similar happen with my daughter when she was in K. I got a call to come in to school to pick her up because she'd bitten a kid on the playground. It was a Friday, and she was taken out of school for the day. The school punishment was to keep her in from recess the following week.

She bit the kid because he'd kicked her first. The playground aids didn't see the boy kick her.

I don't want her to learn that violence is an OK response to violence. There were half a dozen things she could have done instead. I was entirely supportive of the school's punishment. She was also scheduled to go on a camping trip with Y-Guides that weekend. We didn't let her go. She stayed home with me while dh and her sister went camping. We haven't had any other biting incidents.

[karne]

Originally Posted by jjawm

He's so young, and he'll work through the rules of the playground and how to handle himself.

I guess my opinion on this really differs. I don't necessarily think that kids always work through things themselves, or know how to handle themselves, especially when they are young. That's why I said previously that I think this is a teachable moment. Violence at school, even in self-defense isn't going to end up well. I think the key is adequate supervision as well as conflict resolution skills taught to the kids. I see it working with the little ones at my son's school, and while it's not perfect, the kids are at least being given some TOOLS to help them.

[mtiger]

Originally Posted by EFmom

I had something similar happen with my daughter when she was in K. I got a call to come in to school to pick her up because she'd bitten a kid on the playground. It was a Friday, and she was taken out of school for the day. The school punishment was to keep her in from recess the following week.

She bit the kid because he'd kicked her first. The playground aids didn't see the boy kick her.

I don't want her to learn that violence is an OK response to violence. There were half a dozen things she could have done instead. I was entirely supportive of the school's punishment. She was also scheduled to go on a camping trip with Y-Guides that weekend. We didn't let her go. She stayed home with me while dh and her sister went camping. We haven't had any other biting incidents.

Good way to handle it, IMO.

At the end of the day, the reaction was inappropriate based on the school's rules. Even if the other kid started it, your son did nothing to end it. I'd say he take the school's discipline, and you work with him to sort out better ways to react to similar situations in the future.

[MichaelsSahm]

Originally Posted by mtiger

Good way to handle it, IMO.

At the end of the day, the reaction was inappropriate based on the school's rules. Even if the other kid started it, your son did nothing to end it. I'd say he take the school's discipline, and you work with him to sort out better ways to react to similar situations in the future.

I agree with this.

[momtoalexsarah]

I think that as long as both parties get an equal punishment then it is appropiate. My DS has caused a few calls from the principal (thankfully she is a really great lady) and the first couple times the consequenses didn't work, so we worked on it a little differently to provide a better deterant to the issues arising again. Knock on wood he has been great since x-mas and things are going well. Sometimes it takes a little brainstorming when it comes to a good response, you will have to follow up with the school that the disapline that was given has worked - this is as important as the disapline it's self.