What to do about talking back?

[Heavenly]

My 3 year old is driving me insane! He is constantly being rude to my husband and I. If you ask him to do something he will look right at you and say "no and you can't make me!" or "go away" in a really rude voice. Or he will say nonsense words but with the intonation of "up yours." He basically will not do anything we tell him. We are pretty strict and have even tried spanking a couple of times but we both feel sick about it. I really can't tolerate being spoken to like that. What can we do?

[Marsupialmom]

At that age I would ask yourself “who, what, or were” she learning the behavior. Are you modeling the behavior? An older sibling? TV?

DON’T GET MAD!! Don’t let her see you railed up or she could start doing it just to get that response.

When she says “Go Away” assess the situation. Is she tired, hungry, or just needing alone time. Is it something you really need done now calmly and politely give her the proper words and phrases. “DD, I know you need alone time the proper way to ask is ---------.” “DD, I know you are mad and want some alone time the proper way to ask is -----.”

It is ok for your child to need alone time. Time to calm down, et.

If you want her to pick up toys and she says “No, and you cannot make me.” Make sure you have used other tactics to get her to help you first. Again assess the situation making sure there is no other underlying cause of the defying behavior.

If she is hungry “Calmly say, we will do this once we are finished eating.” Or if the situation is “We cannot eat until we pick up.” Make sure you try to find a game, et to get her to co-operate. (It has been my experience that co-operation is hard to get with a hungry tummy. Waiting until after a meal is more productive.)

If she is tired, can it wait until morning/after sleep?

I honestly think ignoring it, getting rid of where she is learning it from, and modeling the proper behavior is your best bet. Her motive at 3 is far different than at 5 or 15 with this behavior. She honestly does not realize he tone of voice is “rude or wrong”. She does not know her choices of words are rude and wrong. Model the proper behavior. Give her the right words.

I can really sympathize with you on this one. My 3 yr old has picked up “Duh”. I had to giggle the first time she used it, but she does not know she is doing any wrong. We do not know were she picked it up because nobody uses it, but her (unlike the phrase da$# it” but either way she does not know what she is saying is wrong.

[USAmma]

Sometimes with my dd she picks things up from TV or other kids at the playground and uses them back to me. She's trying to express something to me and that's the only way she knows how to do it. She used to say "go away" too. She just wanted me to give her some privacy in the bathroom and saying "go away" was the only way she knew how to express that. So I told her that saying "go away" was not a nice way to talk, and she should instead say, "Excuse me, I need some privacy." And now she says that most of the time. I just had to give her the right words to say.

Sometimes I have to remind her to "talk nicely" and she will change her whole tone of voice from "NO I don't want it!!" to "No thank you Mommy" just like that.

Darshani